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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay my parent’s bills so they can work parttime?

281 replies

SoftChewyFoods · 14/09/2020 18:00

Basically the above.

I could afford to help them out on 1 or 2 bills so they could cut down hours at work. But I don’t want to, I was hoping to wait until they were much much older. They’re only early 50s.

I don’t want to yet because they will want more and more bills paid and they currently use emotional blackmail to try and persuade me to do it like “But Mel’s son pays her bills and she works parttime and he earns less than you so you could help me” or “You clearly don’t like me much if you won’t help me out” or my very favourite “at my time of life I should be slowing down and doing less”

For context I have a sibling who cannot work and never will, they don’t live with this parent they live with our other parent.

I have my own child to support singlehandedly as for various reason my Ex doesn’t pay maintenance.

AIBU?

Vote:
YANBU - Don't pay the bills
YABU - Pay the bills

OP posts:
WhereToCut · 14/09/2020 19:37

In case anyone misunderstands - no. You do not have to pay this parent's bills. Or anything for them.

Sophiafour · 14/09/2020 19:37

Good grief, I'm early 50s and after a bout of unexpected illness which meant I couldn't work for a couple of years, I'm now thoroughly expecting to work for at least the next 15 years, assuming I can. What on earth is their thought process in asking you to support them at this age? It's not beyond the realm of possibility that they'll live another 20 or 30 years!

Sunnydayhere · 14/09/2020 19:37

Are they serious?

As they are fit, healthy and employed I don't think you owe them anything financial. Things may change if they become infirm etc

As others have said your responsibilities work downwards. As you are on around the average wage I can’t see you having a lot of spare cash around - not enough to allow your parents to go part time - unless you are going to take a big cut.

SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 14/09/2020 19:38

So they want their child and grandchild to have a worse life so that they have a better one? Confused That's literally the opposite to any decent parent's wish in the whole world ever.

Shelby2010 · 14/09/2020 19:41

Tell them to adopt Mel’s son if he’s so great.

Or if you want to be more diplomatic (not sure why) that you’ll consider supporting them when you are no longer supporting DD.

MilerVino · 14/09/2020 19:42

I'm late 40s and fully expect to work for at least another 20 years and possibly just not fully retire at all. Given their situation, your parent is quite capable of continuing to work and needs to stop with the guilt trips.

Wiaa · 14/09/2020 19:43

I don't know anyone who pays their parents bills, is that even a thing? Just say no. On a side note I'll have 2 kids in junior school when I'm 50

MissConductUS · 14/09/2020 19:43

Tell them to adopt Mel’s son if he’s so great.

I seriously doubt Mel's son is actually paying bills on a regular basis. A pub lunch perhaps.

saleorbouy · 14/09/2020 19:45

You live within your means, if they can't pay the Bill's then live a more frugal life and reduce your expenses. I would help support my parents in old age but during working age because they want an easy live, well that's just crazy. You should be using that money to save for your retirement and they should still be working towards theirs.

MulticolourMophead · 14/09/2020 19:46

I'm early 50s, and expect to still be working for at least another 10 years.

If they are fit and healthy, and only want to drop their hours because they want to, not need to, then no, they can piss off.

DrDavidBanner · 14/09/2020 19:46

I'd have to be on the bones of my arse before I'd ask my son for handouts.

I've never seen having kids as a financial investment, sounds odd to me.

Codexdivinchi · 14/09/2020 19:49

OP my ex mil tried this. She was in early 50s too.

She wanted ex dh, bil and her exdh to pay her £300 a month as she was ‘tired’ of worked and said they owed her for the years of servitude she had given them. She was encouraged by her best friend who’s ex husband have her £1000 a month - to see her right..

She even had a ‘fall’ at work and Kay on the floor till her exdh came and carried her out.

Exdh was actually going to pay. I swiftly told him he wasn’t. None of them did.

Don’t pay their bills

EyesOpening · 14/09/2020 19:54

@Shelby2010

Tell them to adopt Mel’s son if he’s so great.

Or if you want to be more diplomatic (not sure why) that you’ll consider supporting them when you are no longer supporting DD.

lol. I find it similar to my DB saying to my DM when he started working that his friend only paid his DM so much so he didn't see why he had to pay my DM any more than that. She told him to move out then and see how much he'd have to pay then, lol
Supersimkin2 · 14/09/2020 19:55

No.

Gatehouse77 · 14/09/2020 19:56

No, sorry but no way.

I can't really fathom what makes them think it's okay to ask that of you 🤷‍♀️

LaurieFairyCake · 14/09/2020 19:57

So while they were raising you how much of their parents bills did they pay while their parents were in their early 50's Hmm

Let me guess - FUCK ALL ?

curiousaboutallthis · 14/09/2020 19:59

Crumbs you sound very kind, OP, to even consider it. In all seriousness I really think you can and should tell them that however much you love them, your child is your priority and that although you promise to help them if they ever really (really) need it, at the moment all your money is going to go to your child/in savings for your child. Stand firm on this.

Russellbrandshair · 14/09/2020 20:01

Let me guess - FUCK ALL

This would be my guess too! 😆

Scrumptiousbears · 14/09/2020 20:09

I'm all for helping my parent if she needs it but I think yours is a CF and the answer is no.

Goldencurtain · 14/09/2020 20:10

You know this isn't normal, right?

XingMing · 14/09/2020 20:10

I don't think you should help with their bills. I help my DM86 out a bit now and again, with paying for a chairlift recently, and always paying for any meals and treats we do together. But essentially, she has enough income/pension for her food and bills, she's mobile and mentally competent, and not cold or hungry. If she were, I would help to the best of my ability. But she is 86, not mid-fifties. I am older than your parents myself.

ameliajoan · 14/09/2020 20:11

YANBU and you don’t need to feel guilty. Why should you pay for them? Confused

willieversleep · 14/09/2020 20:16

Do they work in very stressful jobs?

I still can't believe anyone has the gall to say any of the statements in your OP 😱

willieversleep · 14/09/2020 20:19

Not to mention I can't imagine why anyone would want to voluntarily become financially dependent on anyone for such a long time.

God forbid you were made redundant or incapacitated- who would carry the financial burden then

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 14/09/2020 20:19

I’m 50 in December. I almost took a job last week that I would have been awful at as it’s paid about 60% more than my currrent job so I can buy a crap car and uni expenses for my 16 year old.

I’m staying in my current brilliant job and we’ll find a way