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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay my parent’s bills so they can work parttime?

281 replies

SoftChewyFoods · 14/09/2020 18:00

Basically the above.

I could afford to help them out on 1 or 2 bills so they could cut down hours at work. But I don’t want to, I was hoping to wait until they were much much older. They’re only early 50s.

I don’t want to yet because they will want more and more bills paid and they currently use emotional blackmail to try and persuade me to do it like “But Mel’s son pays her bills and she works parttime and he earns less than you so you could help me” or “You clearly don’t like me much if you won’t help me out” or my very favourite “at my time of life I should be slowing down and doing less”

For context I have a sibling who cannot work and never will, they don’t live with this parent they live with our other parent.

I have my own child to support singlehandedly as for various reason my Ex doesn’t pay maintenance.

AIBU?

Vote:
YANBU - Don't pay the bills
YABU - Pay the bills

OP posts:
PussGirl · 14/09/2020 18:41

"At my time of life I should be slowing down" Grin Grin Confused Hmm

Such an old attitude for one so young!

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 14/09/2020 18:43

I’m honestly confused. Why would you even consider paying their bills? Is this an actual thing some parents expect? They’d ridiculous and you’re completely right to want to prioritise your own DD.

TheDragQueen · 14/09/2020 18:45

they currently use emotional blackmail to try and persuade me to do it like “You clearly don’t like me much if you won’t help me out”
They clearly don’t like you very much to even suggest it in the first place.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 14/09/2020 18:46

Early bloody 50s?!!

PuzzlingPieces · 14/09/2020 18:47

I would always help our family if they really needed but this seems like entitlement. If they can work, they should - early 50s! It feels like you've resigned yourself that this is inevitable "put it off as long as possible" - why? Like I say, illness or incapacity aside I struts my adult parents to manage their lives and finances accordingly. I put in to a pension, I don't assume my kid will find me later in life (I hope she doesn't! She should enjoy her money!).

Is this a cultural thing? Is there more context ie did they give you money to buy a house/study/etc? Is there an imbalance of powerv

If you were loaded and them less so it would be different but as a middle earner this seems bizarre.

If you can't say "no" and put it to bed, tbh I would say you've narrowly missed redundancy but taken a 30% covid related paycut and leave it there. They don't have a right to know what you earn and so just put a stop to the impression they seem to have which is that you have some to spare. God knows who Mel is!!

frogswimming · 14/09/2020 18:47

Why will you need to do it eventually? Don't they have pensions?
They are not your responsibility. Do not feel guilty for putting all your spare resources into your dc.

madcatladyforever · 14/09/2020 18:48

Hahaha I'll ask my son if he'll pay my bills so I can work parttime and see what he says. I won't hold my breath.
Cheeky fuckers, you are a single parent, your child comes first.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 14/09/2020 18:49

No, you do not 'eventually' have to pay their bills. Nope. They can get UC if they qualify for it. Do not compromise your child's future and your own pension to enable them.

WeAllHaveWings · 14/09/2020 18:50

Early 50s 🤣, I'm early 50s! tell them they've still got at least 15 years before they retire.

I was hoping to wait until they were much much older.

It is not normal at any age to pay your parents bills!!

PuzzlingPieces · 14/09/2020 18:50

@cosmicdoughnut

Can they not go part time and claim benefits to top up their wage?
Please tell me this is a joke/people don't have this mindset? No wonder we're all doomed.

Oh I'm a bit tired, I'll just drop a day work and claim benefits for my leisure

FML

Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 14/09/2020 18:53

Can they not go part time and claim benefits to top up their wage?
Right, because that is what the benefit system is for. Hmm

blackbutterfly4 · 14/09/2020 18:53

This is crazy!

If you lived with them then of course you should help out, but if you don't then why should you financially support your parents? Did I miss the memo about this - no one I know does this. And they are in their 50s!

You have your own life to lead and child to support. Your parents can support themselves.

LindainLockdown · 14/09/2020 18:54

Don't think this is a real situation.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 14/09/2020 18:55

Never in the parenting handbook have I ever read thou shall sign off all resposibility in your 50s and make your children pay your way....its a scandalous suggestion. I do not know of anyone who plans children,gives birth to them just so they can use them as cash cows later in life. I am so sorry OP ..your parents are absolutely ridiculous.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 14/09/2020 18:55

@Itsabeautifuldayheyhey

Can they not go part time and claim benefits to top up their wage? Right, because that is what the benefit system is for. Hmm
Under UC, NO. Unless they have a health condition that fits the criterion.
HumptyD · 14/09/2020 18:55

Omg I’ve honestly never in my life heard this, the cheek!! The uk retirement age is 65 what so you are expecting to pay their bills for the next 15 years?? And then what?? Like anything could happen in that time what if you find yourself out of work then you have your own stress then will be worrying how they will afford their bills when they have cut their hours. No idea where they think this is okay from, and to say so and so’s son does this.. maybe they are doing something for him?? Like I know a relative who gives his mum £200 a month but she Does the school run every day for him, does their ironing and cleans the house once a week, Like while she’s at their house babysitting so they give her the time cover fuel etc but not just out right now give me money because I want It. What a horrible position to put you in. Could you say tour wages are affected by Covid if you feel awkward saying no? Feel bad for you

AnyFucker · 14/09/2020 18:55

Is op goijg to answer the burning question ?

is this a cultural thing

For the hard of hearing...

Sewrainbow · 14/09/2020 18:56

No way! I'm a few years off 50 and my kids will still be mimors then, I was an adult when my parents were 50s and they wouldn't have dreamt of asking. I dont intend to help my mum out until she is much older and the only if necessary, shes nearly 70 and working still...

BashfulClam · 14/09/2020 18:56

Definitely not.

SpringFan · 14/09/2020 18:57

Goodness, completely out of order. In their early 50s and talking about slowing down at their time of life?????
DB and I paid some of dad's bills after mum died. She had a better pension and managed their money. We made sure the gas, water and electricity were paid. He was late 70s with a health condition that meant he needed to be warm and safe.

Feedingthebirds1 · 14/09/2020 18:57

So they want you to pay their bills so that they can go part time now, meaning that not only does DD have to go without, you will have to work for even longer because you haven't had chance to save for your retirement. And as you say, this will be the thin edge of the wedge.

Step one - say no.
Step two - stop feeling even the slightest twinge of guilt.

They're being CFs so any guilt on your part would be entirely misplaced.

Sewrainbow · 14/09/2020 18:58

Even if it is a cultural thing should op allow her and her dc life be lived at a detriment if her parents are still active and able enough to work? Illness aside 50 is not old and no reason not to be active and working.

Singlebutmarried · 14/09/2020 18:58

Sorry parents

All spare cash is currently being paid into a pension so my DD doesn’t have to support me when I reach retirement age at 68.

They are old enough to have made provision to semi retire at 55 if they wanted to.

They are also young enough to work bloody hard for the next few years to make retirement a possibility.

It’s a no from me.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 14/09/2020 18:58

I'm late fifties, in my experience it's the parent who usually helps the child financially not the other way round. If your parent is fit and well then they should providing for themselves. If there is a reason they can't work then that's what the benefit system is for.

middleager · 14/09/2020 18:59

I'm 47 and think they are CFs (sorry)!