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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay my parent’s bills so they can work parttime?

281 replies

SoftChewyFoods · 14/09/2020 18:00

Basically the above.

I could afford to help them out on 1 or 2 bills so they could cut down hours at work. But I don’t want to, I was hoping to wait until they were much much older. They’re only early 50s.

I don’t want to yet because they will want more and more bills paid and they currently use emotional blackmail to try and persuade me to do it like “But Mel’s son pays her bills and she works parttime and he earns less than you so you could help me” or “You clearly don’t like me much if you won’t help me out” or my very favourite “at my time of life I should be slowing down and doing less”

For context I have a sibling who cannot work and never will, they don’t live with this parent they live with our other parent.

I have my own child to support singlehandedly as for various reason my Ex doesn’t pay maintenance.

AIBU?

Vote:
YANBU - Don't pay the bills
YABU - Pay the bills

OP posts:
EggysMom · 14/09/2020 18:16

Early 50s and looking for a child to subsidise their income?

Anybody know if you can still send an 11yo out to work down t'mines or up t'chimneys? I rather like the idea of going part-time and sending our son out to work to finance it Grin

Original poster
SoftChewyFoods · 14/09/2020 18:16

I have no childcare needs as my job allows me to work from home when I'm not client facing, so I do more or less all the school runs. If I need childcare I arrange a playdate then repay the favour - currently indefinitely none client facing.

OP posts:
SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 14/09/2020 18:17

What entitled arseholes! You don''t have children with the sole purpose of manipulating them into subsidising your early semi retirement. I cant believe they are trying to guilt trip you into this while knowing you are a single mum who has to provide for your child single handed. Even if you can afford one or two bills I wouldn't do it and I would save for your child's future or go on a nice day out with your DC.

The cost of living is now arguable considerably higher than when they were in your position. If they are healthy then the idea of slowing down "at their age" in their early 50's is frankly laughable.

Don't do it as you will inevitable be setting a president for them to bleed you dry.

If they were in serious financial dire straits and you had the disposable income to help them out without impacting your own financial security then my answer would be different.

Giraffey1 · 14/09/2020 18:17

You aren’t responsible for their bills, they are. I can’t think why they would even think you would pay for them? Just don’t go there.

Yankathebear · 14/09/2020 18:17

Mel can pay your parents bills if she’s that great.

ScrapThatThen · 14/09/2020 18:18

No way. Parent should want to be helping you to build a good future for your dc. Ignore. My dh is 55, and will work full time to 62 to fund our dc. Your parent is oddly entitled.

Erictheavocado · 14/09/2020 18:18

Just when I think I've seen it all, along comes a post like this!

I'm late 50's, dh is a bit older. He is on a work pension and I work part time. We don't have money for luxuries, but we manage. Our two dcs are adults, they live in their own homes with their partners and one of them has DC of their own. I'd live to be able to retire, but would I expect my dcs to subsidise me? Absolutely not. Would I take money from either of them, knowing I was potentially taking food from their table, or making it more difficult for them to pay their bills? No, never. In fact, I am more likely to buy bits and bobs to help them out , or to give them a treat.
I have no word for your parents. It's way beyond cheeky. It's greedy and selfish.

iknowimcoming · 14/09/2020 18:18

You should see these people less, maybe not at all, YADNBU!

HoratiotheHorsefly · 14/09/2020 18:19

God no, me and dh both have health issues and we both work full time.

I wouldn't expect any of my DC to support this household at our age.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 14/09/2020 18:19

WTAF? NO. JUST NO. You need to put whatever you can buy for your child and your pension because they sure as hell wouldn't lift a finger for you should you lose your job or get ill health. Do not own this by thinking of solutions for them like making a budget or a sign posting them to financial advice and blah blah blah.

'I'm afraid guilt won't work here. I have to do my best to provide for my child and her future and that doesn't extend to paying your bills'. 'No, I can't do that. I need to put my child and her future first.' Over and over.

They've got more neck than a giraffe.

Original poster
SoftChewyFoods · 14/09/2020 18:19

If the parent was in dire straits I'd of course help out. They don't have the most luxurious life style but they do have pets, a car and manage to pay all their bills without much worry.

I do feel slightly guilty, but if I do it for one parent I'll need to eventually do it for the other as my sibling isn't in a position to ever help, and I can only do one at a time, so I'm trying to put it off as long as possible. If when they are eventually infirm/ill I would of course help them.

OP posts:
Heffalooomia · 14/09/2020 18:20

appalling, I would never exploit my children like that, I want them to enjoy their lives not be my slave
we dont live in a 3rd world country where your only chance of staying alive in old age is to depend upon your adult children

HoratiotheHorsefly · 14/09/2020 18:20

I missed out that we're both mid 50's.

Billben · 14/09/2020 18:20

What on earth is going on with some people. On another thread the DH is bankrolling his brother.
Here, your parents want you to be bankrolling them.

I swear to Lord, people need to start saying Fuck Off more often.

There is no way anybody would be trying this shit with me and not have their arse handed to them to learn from for the future 😂

Don’t give into the emotional blackmail OP. Absolutely outrageous behaviour from a parent. They should be ashamed of themselves.

BaublesAndGlitter · 14/09/2020 18:21

I can't think of a single reason for you to agree to this OP.

If you want opinions - no don't pay.

If you want advice on how to tell them this, just say "No, I'm not doing that."
Don't explain why - it gives them a chance to offer a counter argument.
If they push, tell them you're not listening to that and either hang up or leave and don't see or speak to them for a while.
Do that consistently so they realise quickly that there's no point in asking.

crowsfeet57 · 14/09/2020 18:21

I'm 62 and my husband is 65. He'll be retiring from his very physical job at 66, I'll work until I'm 66 at least. Neither of us are high earners and we don't have large pensions. That said we help our adult children as much as we can and we'll do so even after we retire.

We would not expect them to help us. OP Tell your parents to work full time like other people in their fifties and sixties have to.

TheDragQueen · 14/09/2020 18:21

Tell them to fuck off. Their retirement age is 67yrs and they can work full time until then.

janetmendoza · 14/09/2020 18:22

Unless you are a premiership footballer wanting to buy your doting parents a house, this is completely unreasonable!

Figgygal · 14/09/2020 18:22

I have never heard anything so insane In my life
What??

Heffalooomia · 14/09/2020 18:22

have they brought you up with this expectation OP?

Waveysnail · 14/09/2020 18:22

Er why would u? Is this a cultural expectation?

Itisbetter · 14/09/2020 18:22

No. This isn’t what you should be doing. Money flows down the generations not up. Make a life for your daughter that’s better than yours. Push forwards.

yourestandingonmyneck · 14/09/2020 18:22

This must be a cultural thing.

What culture are you /your parents from OP?

Is it your mum or your dad that is asking this?

espressoontap · 14/09/2020 18:24

I can't get over them asking - is it a cultural thing? There's no way I'd help my parents out, they are always off on their jollies and I couldn't subsidise that.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 14/09/2020 18:25

I also wondered if it was cultural. I’m from an Irish background and I struggle to get my elderly parents to even let me pay for a basket of shopping for them so to me the idea seems outlandish. However if the OPs parents grew up with this as a cultural norm and did it for their parents it would explain why they are expecting it from the OP.

If that’s the case OP you are either going to have to cough up or have a very careful conversation with a view to managing their expectations.