To not pay my parent’s bills so they can work parttime?

[SoftChewyFoods]

Basically the above.

I could afford to help them out on 1 or 2 bills so they could cut down hours at work. But I don’t want to, I was hoping to wait until they were much much older. They’re only early 50s.

I don’t want to yet because they will want more and more bills paid and they currently use emotional blackmail to try and persuade me to do it like “But Mel’s son pays her bills and she works parttime and he earns less than you so you could help me” or “You clearly don’t like me much if you won’t help me out” or my very favourite “at my time of life I should be slowing down and doing less”

For context I have a sibling who cannot work and never will, they don’t live with this parent they live with our other parent.

I have my own child to support singlehandedly as for various reason my Ex doesn’t pay maintenance.

AIBU?

Vote:
YANBU - Don't pay the bills
YABU - Pay the bills

Well I'm fooked if this is a thing. When I'll be early fifties DC will be 10 and 12. Probs illegal to send them out to work

I think it is terrible- I'm a similar demographic to them

I am 52 and Frankly I am disgusted they would ask. I would rather go hungry than take money off a single mother with no maintenance.

Your focus is looking after your child and providing for them, getting a roof over your head, a Financial buffer for the future.

It’s your parents responsibility to make sure they can support themselves.

Please never help out your parents. You sound very nice. They sound very cheeky.

Genuinely confused. Do people actually do this for their parents? As opposed to wrapping a box of Quality Street and a cardie at Christmas?

Being in your fifties is no excuse - I'm 61 and still hard at work all hours so I can put ds through uni without him taking a loan. Parents should never, really never, expect their kids to help them.

@Minimumstandard

Genuinely confused. Do people actually do this for their parents? As opposed to wrapping a box of Quality Street and a cardie at Christmas?

Not at all uncommon in Asian families.

I know people who were expected to fund the parents from their first pay packet. Heavy cultural expectation.

Have never heard anything like this before. I was expecting you to say you were earning six figures, not an average wage. If you started to help your parent in their early fifties you would be doing it for 15 years at least. Who knows what might happen to your own circumstances during that time.

DH and I are now retired and still give lump sums to our adult DCs here and there to make life better for them - they never ask for money. I would be mortified if I had to ask our DCs for money.

Bloody hell, the cheek of it. No way. Tell them no your daughter comes first and you need all your money for her.

Jeez, thus is just bonkers. 50 is young and they need to get if their arse and work. Sounds like a friend is vring supported by their child and your parent fancied an easy life, too. Disgusting.

YANBU don't pay their bills for them. They will expect more, but that's beside the point. They can't cut back if they can't afford it.

Hey, I feel like I need to wind down, I'm close in age to your relative. Please will you pay some of my bills too?

No pay. I'd be supporting my child.

FHS!! Some people are dreadful aren't they?

The people you have responsibility for in this order are:
1 Your daughter
2 Your sibling
3 Yourself

Actually 2 and 3 can be switched around quite reasonably.

Ignore your parent. I am early 60s, dh is mid 60s. I have no expectation of dd helping us even in our great old age. I am assuming that at some point I or we will go into sheltered housing. I want dd to spend all her money on herself. She's still in Uni atm,, but even if she should end up with a career which brings her billions I would not EXPECT her to do anything for me (she would though, she'd be massively generous and I'd have a hard job stopping her).

What a marvelous idea! I'm going to demand my dcs (aged 10, 13, and 16) hand over their pocket money to fund my gin collection. Being 52, I am old and helpless and no longer capable of looking after myself. Oh, hang on. That's complete bollocks. I'm a perfectly competent grown up, who has managed to fend for myself for over 30 years and who doesn't need to leech off my kids.

As I think you know deep down or even not so deep down, they have no claim on your money and should not, never, absolutely not be asking for money. Or bringing up what any other person gives their parent. They are not children and being in their 50s doesn't mean it's your job to parent them. I'm in my late 50s and retired, it's not normal for your parents to expect money from you. If you give in you will resent it and tbh you have your own life and your own commitments. I have never heard anything so strange. Don't do it and as someone else said if you start it it will get worse. We they always this demanding of you?

Even if it is a cultural norm elsewhere, it isn’t in the UK and it doesn’t work with the cost of living for a young parent. They will have to adapt to the British culture of working until you’re in your mid-sixties.

Absolutely not.

OP, your daughter will progressively become more expensive, believe me.

Do not commit money that you will need in the future.

MIL decided to resign from her job mid-50’s with no other job lined up! Then she decided that she didn’t want to work full-time, so turned down perfectly suitable new roles. So basically she retired very early without proper pension funds and she’s single so there’s no one else to rely on. We (DH and I) now end up paying for her lunches and day trips whenever she visits. A couple of years ago, we spent a few thousand on urgent house repairs for her... a month or so later she took a really extravagant holiday that cost double what we’d given her!! She’s been hinting to come on holiday with us. So now no more. I’m fine with the odd lunch out etc, but I’m not supporting her ridiculous ill-conceived early retirement.

OP - you’re not being unreasonable. Your parent needs to support them self!

DH and I are early 50s, we'd be devastated to have to ask DC to help with our bills, even if they could easily afford it.

Absolutely do not subsidise your parent so they can give up work! Any spare money you have, should be put into your pension, otherwise it will create a cycle of dependence for years to come. And I hope they don’t do what a previous poster suggests and give up some hours and claim benefit to make it up. It doesn’t work like that, chances are they will still earn too much to be eligible and if not, they will be expected to increase hours anyway.

Also, I don’t know why you are planning to support your parents in their later years anyway. Surely they have paid into a pension and will qualify for a state pension? If they own their own property, they may be able to downsize? Not sure how old your children are but they should be getting your financial support as they move into adulthood, not your freeloading parents!

This is astonishing! I'm early 50's and have a 9 year old son! I literally can't imagine being your parents OP. Do not do this. It's an absolute nerve. If they need extra cash then they need to work full time 🙄

Who the fuck voted yabu??

If they wanted to retire in their 50s, did they take out a pension plan to enable that? It's what people do.

I'm 50 and looking for more work not less!

@sunnydaysstillhere Butterfingers?

YANBU

People who demand things, don't ask nicely, sulk, deserve nothing. Treat them like a toddler who needs to learn.