To tell my son he scraped a pass when he didn’t?

[Afibtomyboy]

My son is due to take the 11 plus test in a month.

We paid for a private tutor last two years (as is the norm around here).
He has done a revision course And mocks.
He’s a bright boy and should pass.

However, he likely now won’t be going to grammar school as we will keep him at the private Prep school he currently goes to (that Goes up to year 8) and then on to another private school, which has its own admissions process rather than the 11 plus.

So... Pass or fail has no consequence whatsoever, and here’s the thing.... He has very very low self confidence. We are awaiting an adhd diagnosis (mild). He and his friends are competitive, actively encouraged by the school (a good thing IMO) and results will be discussed.

I am so worried about the impact on his self confidence if he does fail. I can’t tell you how much we have worked on building up his confidence over the last year, and it’s reaped so much. He’s so much happier, so much more settled. It is very positive but I strongly sense that an 11 plus fail will go deep, very deep and have a lingering negative impact.

Seeing as the impact of the result isn’t going to change our plan to keep him at current school (when we embarked on the 11 plus tutoring and process we didn’t think he would be staying but now we have sufficient funds to facilitate it, hence the change in plan. Still plan to take though, as head of current school says it will be very good preparation for the admissions process to the school we hope he will go to), AIBU to tell him that he did pass (but say that it was a scraped pass, but a pass nonetheless) if he does fail?

What Bubblegun and LetItGoToRuin said.

The whole point of taking the test would be either:

because he needs it to get in somewhere (not the case you tell us)

or

so he can learn from the experience- and that includes the potential experience of failing

I think we would be much better off to teach our children that you are allowed to fail, that sooner or later we usually do fail at something and that the real success is when you learn how to deal with that.

And yes, I am the mother of the child who failed his maths GCSE 3 times. But he passed the fourth time because by then he had learnt that failing isn't the moment where the world stops: it's the moment where you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep going.

It is very likely that your son would want to see his results for himself- not least because his friends will be seeing theirs and talking about them. Having to reveal that you lied because you thought would be too awful to talk about will seriously shake not only his belief in you but also his belief in himself. How bad do you have to be before your own mother has to lie?

I hate to say this OP but you know it's possible to get replacement certificates for public exams if you've lost them?

well what if, in years to come, as an adult, your son suddenly decides he'd like to have a cert of passing his 11+?

And surely he would ask now to see the proof?

You're being a bit thoughtless.

So you want your kid to sit a test he doesn't need to sit, and if he fails you are going to lie to him and tell him he passed?

Yeah, that's fucked up.

I agree with those who say you'd be boosting his self-esteem falsely and it won't help him long term. He needs to understand the randomness of all tests/exams, the fact that people have bad days and also that there are so many other gifts and abilities beyond the ability to do Maths and English very quickly and accurately. You need to put this test - and any entrance exams he takes in two years - in perspective, so he won't be devastated by 'failure'.

Dd and ds took both the state 11 plus and an entrance exam for a selective independent school - although that was for year 7 entry so they took them in the same timeframe. For us, we could only go private if they got bursaries so the state 11 plus was essential. Dd 'passed' both (ie got the bursary), ds only 'passed' the state 11 plus. Ds wasn't devastated at all. He knew before he even took the exam that the format of it (extended/creative writing) didn't suit him. We've always been clear that we all have strengths and weaknesses.

What I would say is that taking the state 11 plus didn't help prepare for the independent one (which came later) as they were completely different. The state one was time pressured and multi choice and needed some prep because of the unusual format. The independent one was more like SATS and didn't need any specific preparation. So I don't think your son needs to take the 11 plus as experience - especially as the independent exam won't be for another two years.

He isn't going to fail though - is he?

dear me, what a sad post and a sad state of affairs. Are the non Grammar schools really so terrible? Children develop and change all the time. Think about the school holidays, they go back like different people.
We change, we grow , we evolve. There is so much more to life than this.

Don’t let him sit the exam. Just explain to him that as he’s going to stay at his current school there’s no need to sit the exam.
Don’t be bullied into making him sit it by teachers or other parents.
Now is the time to step up and do what is best for YOUR son, not the school, not other parents, not family members.
It really Sounds to me like he should not sit it.
I have two daughters, one of them sat the 11+ (without tutoring) passed with flying colours and went to grammar school. The other daughter, who was not at all academic, did not sit the exam and went to the local school where she did really well and now has a great job with great prospects, as does older daughter.
We chose what suited our daughters as individual, not what suited the school or bent to peer pressure.

Don't lie to him.
When my older children took it I didn't tell them their scores . I just told them they had passed and that school choice was down to us and where we live.
By the time my youngest took it there was a lot more chit chat and competition between parents and children. Several parents told their children that discussing scores was not the done thing as it might upset people who got lower scores. I rather approved of that. I didn't discuss scores with DS , just pass or fail.
A couple of youngsters in our family didn't get their required scores . It's upsetting at the time but school life is very busy and it's all forgotten quickly.
It's an awful system. I would be strongly tempted to pull him out of it if you know he isn't going to the grammar school. It's really easy to get caught up in it all but is it in your DS's interests to take the exam?

Please don’t lie to him. If he fails to get into the grammar but thinks he has passed his 11+ then what?

Seriously, as a person who went through all this, don’t lie to him, it isn’t going to help him overall.

It sounds like it’s you who’s built it up loads. And why do you assume he’s going to fail?

I took the 11 plus but it was just suggested close to the exam, we popped over in the car then I forgot about it. I wasn’t bothered at all and would have forgotten about it completely if my parents hadn’t mentioned result.

I think @Bubblesgun gives great advice.

I think it's a bit of a shame that you've let him get embedded of this language of 'pass' or 'fail' in the first place - when I was sitting my 11+, 22 years ago, my parents were very clear that I couldn't 'fail' it; I could get or not get a place at the grammar school but I could do very well and not get a place at the school (I think it was about 2% did) and it wouldn't have been a failure in any way. They also kept telling me about how great the school I'd go to instead was; looking back that was objectively not true and its not where they sent my brother (who never sat the 11+ as he clearly wasn't academic) and so I doubt they would actually have sent me there if I hadn't passed the 11+. However, I think the message that there was no failure and that things would be fine - great even! - either way was so important; I was also a really anxious child and I honestly don't remember getting worked up about the 11+. It feels a bit late now but I think you need to find some way of calming the whole situation down that's more constructive and positive than telling a lie - that just feels like it continues to perpetuate the idea that this one exam is so important that 'failure' would be unthinkable/catastrophic and I don't think that's a good way to frame any exam, ever.

where I live the kids see their own results in the internet, before a letter arrives.
I think there is a big chance he finds out, via teacher, or other kids may ask what % he got.
This lie will come back to bite you on the bum

btw , a true story, We live in an 11 plus area. Child One, no tutoring, failed to make the grade by a couple of marks. We discussed it together and decided not to appeal. Local school fine.
Child two, didn't take the exam. Didn't fancy it and was deemed to have some learning issues. Upon arrival at Secondary school, scored a phenomenal result in assessments and did fine. Child three ( not mine) tutored morning , noon and night. Not a happy outcome.

I'm in a grammar school area (a system I loathe but that's a whole other thread). My DD would not have passed the 11+ so I didn't tutor her and she didn't sit it (the only one of 3 who didn't sit it out of 120 pupils). She has plenty of other strengths which we give her opportunity to pursue.

As her mum I'm not going to intentionally set her up to 'fail' (although I hate that term especially at age 11).

If you don't need to sit it then don't and I certainly wouldn't lie about the result.

If the private schools here are the norm countrywide then each secondary school has its own entrance exam that you need to pass. My DN scraped an 11+ pass but didn't meet the required standard in the entrance exam for private. Will the application to private school ask if 11+ was taken and if so ask about the score.

Please don’t lie to him. If he fails to get into the grammar but thinks he has passed his 11+ then what?

His mother is not sending him to grammar school now.

There are so many different types of school and different personalities of children.

To immerse a child with “very very low self esteem” into such a competitive environment is honestly awful IMO.

CE isn't pass or fail.

Your job is to support him to cope, not to catastrophise. Saying any exam result at 11 is ghastly and ignoring sanity and perspective is not helpful. Let alone an exam you can't fail.

How much of his anxiety is DS picking up from you? Is any of this stress bomb coming from him rather than at him?

Coping with failure is a way better lesson to learn than anything he'll pick up from a tutor, by the way.

Don't put him in for test. If you are keeping him where he is until year and 8 and then an independent secondary better to keep up with the tutoring but move the focus more on to English, Maths and away from verbal and non verbal reasoning. If you put him in to sit the test you will put him under stress and for nothing. Another year of tutoring will boost his confidence further. When he applies to sit entrance exam for independent secondary ask for past papers for him to practice. Most will give at least one past paper and his tutor can make him up some similar papers based on paper you are given.

Does your son know about the change in plans?
Slightly worried that your prep school needs state school exams for pre-test and CE exam prep.
He shouldn't need that preparation, even as part of a bespoke application pack or whatever your prep schools calls it.
The thing with CE is that you can only go for 1 school because of how the paper is marked. 11plus entry and pre testing is different so if that's the route you're going down you need to be confident it's the right school and your prep should be preparing and planning for that.
CE is different to the 11 plus, they are looking for different things
Get him to take the 11 plus and be honest about his result because he may well want or need the grammar school place and you can use the result to plan your next steps, ie independent srnior for year 7 which is where most of ours are heading, sometimes it's easier to get in at 11 in the Junior School rather than directly into the seniors at 13.

Op if the results aren't going to make any difference to what happens, ie if he changes school or not, why make him sit it?

It just seems a heck of a lot of stress for nothing. And you risk at some point in the future him finding out your lied about his results.

The Head is wrong anyway and the 11+ exam is more like an IQ test and the Common Entrance exam is totally different. (I have tutored children for both.)
If he means sitting an exam is character building, that's different altogether and not necessarily true either!

My DC would ask to see the letter.

I think learning resilience is important and if he failed it would only be right to tell him and actually give him the letter to read himself?

@Didkdt I think you have misread, totally, where he is and where he is going next.

He doesn't need a test now as he is staying at his current prep school for 2 more years.

Sorry OP, not read the whole thread, but confused by your mindset. He hasn't sat it yet, Why are you assuming he'll fail?
Why make him sit it at all?
Why lie, when there are other ways to boost his self confidence?
You could say: You don't have to sit this test now, because we've decided you'll go for X school instead. But it is very good practise in sitting an exam, so we'd like you to do it and give it your best shot. Nothing to be nervous about. You don't need to pass - the mark is not important. What is important is that you get to feel comfortable in exam conditions, practising how to get the best from the paper, so you don't get stuck on a difficult question etc. Focus on it being an experience not an outcome.

You agree with actively encouraging you son to be competitive with his peers but you do not want him to experience "failure". If you place a child in this situation even at such a young age you must realise that the potential outcome could go either way and it is important to support him in developing the emotional tools to deal with such issues.

When my DC's sat the 11+ I chose the phrase pass or not pass as I think the word failure is a bit strong for a test for 11 year olds. We had the conversation on how they might feel if they didn't pass, I made sure to also make sure they understood that the fear of not passing should not prevent them from trying in the first place if it was something they wanted to do.

You acknowledge your son has "very very" low self esteem so I have to ask why you would want to put your son through the unnecessary stress of a needless exam? I understand that his present school think it is good practice for his entrance exam at 12/13 but that is another couple of years away so how is it beneficial? If he has a bad experience with his 11+ it actually may negatively impact his later entrance exam.