Boarding school

[BlackbirdFirst]

Aibu to consider boarding for dd when she hits y7?
Is it fun like a sleepover all the time?
Its mixed day and boarding.
Part of the reason is that I seem very lazy (mixture of medical issues) and although I do try to be active, I have long periods where I need to sleep.
I don't want her thinking this is all normal, I want her to be with people who fill their day doing things. From my short experience of boarding school this is what happens - lots to do, I guess to stave off boredom.
Life is full of great things to do, but she sees her mum barely doing any of them.
Boarding will also help with making female friendships work, which is something I have always struggled with too.

I worked in a boarding school a while ago and one of my strongest memories from there was the young kids crying for their families. Absolutely horrible.

They started from primary school age and imo the kids were far too young to be there.

I really wish that I hadn't read this

I am currently struggling with the idea that my thirteen year old DS is going to have to go a residential specialist school to board. All of the experts have told me that this is 'best' for him as he would have 24 hours a day/5 days a week (he would come home at the weekends) access to professionals who know how to help him manage his condition.

He has been bullied at mainstream secondary school and the thought of him being bullied again (but far away from home) would destroy both of us.

I have to say that it's not the first time I've heard that comment made by QuestionableMouse and not the case for my dd, but not saying too much, we were told this when dd asked to board at 8.
We knew the person knew exactly what they were talking about and appreciated their off the record remarks.
At 11 a whole different story and she was helping those who were upset. She became very reliable to house staff for helping in many situations.
She said she always wanted to be an older sister but there would never have been a chance as we had her quite late.

I had a medical condition that at times has made me utterly exhausted ds knew this and I wouldn’t have the energy to do everything he wanted

Some parents are not challenged in the same way but the children don’t get more attention

Very few children need a boarding school set up. Why anyone would even consider it is a very strange idea to hair, you have children but send them away to be nurtured Makes absolutely no sense to most parents

And have met so many messed up adults who are scared by boarding

Please don’t make it sound all so wonderful when so many children are emotionally damaged from being sent away

@hammeringinmyhead I read bedtime stories to my kids when they can’t read, when I said Younger I don’t mean that age, I mean the pre teens who are fluent readers but who enjoy an audio book. But then I think you knew I didn’t mean tots.

@Readandwalk

Because they are facts of my experience. And as a teacher of two decades experience I can speak from that. Or is that not valid? It is my experience that anyone I know who sends their children to board have said it's a relief not to parent.

Oh wow, I didn’t realise all the hundred of hours I spend during term time investing time in my dc’s education isn’t parenting. If I’d known I wouldn’t have search for three years to find the school that best fit ds’s needs, celebrates him as an individual and nurtures his talents rather than just forcing him into a national curriculum box. My life would be much easier and my pocket much fuller if I just sent him to the local state school. You have no idea about parenting boarders, when ds started boarding I had to reduce my hours at work in order to manage the extra time commitment. A flippant comment made by someone does not make you an expert, parenting isn’t just waking your kid up or cooking breakfast. Do you say the same about parents who use child care? I don’t Parent ? Get outta here.

It’s just paying to not parent the kid you chose to have. Dress it up any way you like, stamp your foot and make excuses, but it doesn’t change the fact, or produce a secure, cherished, parented, adult at the end. ‘I am tired’ is a gut wrenching, shocking excuse for it, to an outsider, like....wow.

Yep, outsider, I think that word sums it up perfectly.

I always said I would never send my child to boarding school. My Ex and my DH and his brothers went and hated it, it really scarred them emotionally. But then I had a couple of friends who went and loved it. I still wasn't convinced.

Then came Y7 decision time for our daughter and due to our then current and the forseeable future situation, we made the decision to send her to boarding school. We made the decision with her and yes, we read Malory Towers. We researched schools and went for a middle of the road academically wise and one that was very small. She absolutely, totally and utterly LOVES it. And actually, it is quite like Malory Towers!! There were two girls in her year at the start that really didn't like it, one now likes being there, the other still doesn't and it's sad to see her so upset at drop off. My daughter is off back to her friends with a quick hug and an I love you and then she's off chattering. And nooooo, it's NOT because she is indifferent to us, because we are such cold and cruel parents , it's because we spent quality time together in the break, she knows we are there for her and is confident and is ready to get back to spending time with her "sisters".

She doesn't like sport as she is like me, pretty rubbish coordination wise so complains about that, but that's the same for kids across all schools. They do loads of different sports but aren't a competitive school so there is little pressure, and she is learning to like some of them and she has been able to start horse riding which she loves.

My post is already very long, but those who feel I'm an awful, cold hearted mum, please feel free to challenge me, or ask me any questions if you think what I have done is wrong. I love my daughter with all my heart and we didn't make the decision lightly. I am genuinely happy to discuss this topic as I have been on both sides of the great boarding school debate so can appreciate people not agreeing with me, and don't judge you for a moment!

[quote Fruitsaladjelly]@hammeringinmyhead I read bedtime stories to my kids when they can’t read, when I said Younger I don’t mean that age, I mean the pre teens who are fluent readers but who enjoy an audio book. But then I think you knew I didn’t mean tots.[/quote]
Oh, no, I knew you meant pre-teens. Poor kids.

I just can't imagine how anyone reaches this decision. My mother was sent to boarding school at this age. As an adult it's become clear to me she has a lot of issues as a result of it, mostly unconscious. It speaks volume to me that she has always said she could never send my siblings and I away.

@NotEnoughTime

I really wish that I hadn't read this

I am currently struggling with the idea that my thirteen year old DS is going to have to go a residential specialist school to board. All of the experts have told me that this is 'best' for him as he would have 24 hours a day/5 days a week (he would come home at the weekends) access to professionals who know how to help him manage his condition.

He has been bullied at mainstream secondary school and the thought of him being bullied again (but far away from home) would destroy both of us.

This is quite a different situation I have family members who work in residential schools, one for Autism and they both say that most of the children settle well. The routine and being with specialist teachers really benefit the kids in a way ordinary boarding school might not.

I always find boarding school threads have very mixed reactions to those who loved it, to those that were emotionally harmed by the experience. A Bit like bog standard day schools!

What about a nanny who can drive your daughter around to activities, help you round the house, cook etc. Would be cheaper. Save the rest of the money for a deposit on a house for her.

@NotEnoughTime my dd boards at a residential special school. It was the hardest decision I have ever made (for me) and the best thing I have ever done (for her). She has friends, access to therapeutic provision, excellent extracurricular opportunities and the teaching is tailored to her needs.
I understand your inner turmoil over the decision, but sometimes parenting is about making the worst choice for the best outcome. Mainstream is not right for all.

Thanks Watermama and Itwasaquarterpast11 for your reassuring comments

I was sent to a kid dump type boarding school. The worst thing was school bullies went there too so there was no escape on the playground or dormitory. This is likely at any boarding school

Oh my God, visiting your 8 year old daughter

@IsItTimeForCoffeeYet what a refreshing post, you clearly are a caring parent and your dd sounds very secure. How nice it's working out so well for her.

I would also be interested to hear responses from boarding school haters to your post.

It's pretty horrible to suggest that parents aren't parenting if their children board. Apart from anything else, holidays are usually very long! But it's a horrible comment to make in any case.

It speaks volume to me that she has always said she could never send my siblings and I away

But that's about her own issues which are very sad. But suppose you or your siblings WANTED to go for whatever reason? Suppose you wanted to go to a boarding school for a particular reason and it was right for you? Or you were talented at dance or music and got into a specialist school? Would your mother have denied you the opportunity because of her own experiences?

I think we all have a tendency to project our own experiences on to others, its human nature. I had pretty terrible experiences at a state comprehensive and was desperate for my children not to go through the same. So when the time came, I was set on an independent as in my mind, that would solve the problem. However, I eventually figured out that whilst I had been saying "I don't want my children to go to a state school" what I really meant was "I don't want my children to have the same experience as me". Once I got over that, and started to really look carefully at what the schools that were feasible options had to offer, and made a concerted effort to look at them through my child's eyes, not mine, we opted for a state comprehensive. I had to accept that whilst it was the same type of school, it was not my old school, and the person who was starting was not the 11 year old me.
I am of the firm opinion that there are good, bad and indifferent schools in all sectors and that different places suit different people. Yes, there are some very specific things to consider about boarding, and it wouldn't be right for my children, but it isn't logical to say that all boarding schools are bad for all children in all circumstances any more than it makes sense to say that all comprehensive schools damage every pupil. All any of us can do is to try to find the best fit for our individual children, from those schools that we have a realistic chance of being able to send them to. I would always advise assessing every school on its individual merits, regardless of what "type" it is, as you may have some preconceptions challenged. I certainly did.

@bendmeoverbackwards
You are right, it's an awful thing to accuse a parent of not loving their child simply because of their own opinions of a situation.

@MrsAvocet
Eloquently put! Yes, if I had gone with my pre-conceived ideas about boarding school, my poor daughter would have been on her third school in three countries in less than a year!

Boarding schools can be great - both my husband and BIL went, and they loved it. they still have a great connection with their parents as well...
For thr OP, what about flexi boarding if your daughter wants? so staying 2 nights per week or so!

@ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN

I had a medical condition that at times has made me utterly exhausted ds knew this and I wouldn’t have the energy to do everything he wanted

Some parents are not challenged in the same way but the children don’t get more attention

Very few children need a boarding school set up. Why anyone would even consider it is a very strange idea to hair, you have children but send them away to be nurtured Makes absolutely no sense to most parents

And have met so many messed up adults who are scared by boarding

Please don’t make it sound all so wonderful when so many children are emotionally damaged from being sent away

Really? And yet how many children are sent to nursery? Would you take all those parents to task too?

I was always extremely anti-boarding and never thought any of my children would board. However, my DD is exceptionally musical and really wanted to go to a particular school as it specialised in music. She couldn't get this sort of music education locally or in the local state schools (music was non existent and GCSE music scrapped). She won music scholarships and boarded from age 14 and is now in her final year. She has been in her element as she is surrounded by like minded highly musical people. We see her a great deal as she is frequently in concerts, we FaceTime most days and she comes home most weekends. She loves school and boarding has enabled her to follow her passion. We are very close and she talks to me about anything. Boarding was the right thing for her.
My son could have been a chorister but we decided against that as it wouldn't 't have been the right choice for him as that involved boarding from a young age. One size does not fit all.It depends on individual children and individual schools.

I was sent aged 10 and I was absolutely heartbroken to have been sent away from my family, I developed depression at boarding school and have struggled with it ever since. I was a sensitive, creative child though and was not suited to that environment. My mother now admits that it was cruel, stupid and negligent and regrets it deeply.

Maybe these places are better today, I don’t know, but I could never, never do that to a child.