Boarding school

[BlackbirdFirst]

Aibu to consider boarding for dd when she hits y7?
Is it fun like a sleepover all the time?
Its mixed day and boarding.
Part of the reason is that I seem very lazy (mixture of medical issues) and although I do try to be active, I have long periods where I need to sleep.
I don't want her thinking this is all normal, I want her to be with people who fill their day doing things. From my short experience of boarding school this is what happens - lots to do, I guess to stave off boredom.
Life is full of great things to do, but she sees her mum barely doing any of them.
Boarding will also help with making female friendships work, which is something I have always struggled with too.

[quote WouldBeGood]@steppemum it’s terrifying if you’re talentless and people are lobbing they ball at you at face height 😂[/quote]

I know. But I did used to love it, and I wans't any good really.
I was often the goalie!

You can tell how old I am, as my lacrosse stick was wooden with proper leather thongs making the net at the top. I can still remember the smell of the linseed oil that I used on it.

A few people have mentioned it OP, but have you googled Boarding School Syndrome yet?

I boarded from Year 7. I would never send my child.

My experience was very mixed; I got used to it quickly because you need to and I had plenty of fun times. At the time I just accepted it for what it was but undoubtedly felt pressure to tell my parents I was "fine", even when there were days I wasn't. Some of the girls suffered dreadfully with homesickness. Even things being different today, I'm sure there are still a lot of kids who tell their parents they are "fine" because that's what they want to hear.

Even as an adult now, if I talk to someone about my school history, when I say I went to Boarding school there is still an overwhelming response of "Wow", because it is so unusual. (As a forces child it wasn't).

If you'd asked me when I was 18 whether BS had caused me any problems I would have said - no, it was fine, parts of it very enjoyable.
It's only now that I've had my own child, the trauma of being sent away hit me hard and I've been having therapy to try and deal with it. Looking back it had a huge steer on my life, choices made, and subsequent problems. Even what I thought were my boarding school strengths (independent) is also a sign of a weakness because I'm so independent I cannot ask for help or show any sign of weakness.

I think about it every day now, directly or indirectly. I'd never send my child. I've actually found this thread quite hard to read and reply to. OP, at Y7 your DD will probably have more freedom and access to activities, friends houses, etc. Could you use the money on fees to get a part-time cleaner/housekeeper/nanny? I think, as you are unwell, she may only worry about you more if she is apart from you.

@canigohomenow

OP's daughter will be YEAR 7 (so 11 years old) not AGE 7...

Another ex-boarder. I think it depends on both the child and the school. I absolutely hated mine - it’s since closed, was excessively religious and there was very poor pastoral care. I was bullied and being bullied at boarding school is awful as literally there’s no getting away from there. My parents took me out after four years and I was much happier in my next school . The whole experience did make me a withdrawn and very unconfident teen though. My sister in comparison loved the experience and her school. It does work for some undoubtedly. I would say though OP if you do go down this route, if she’s really unhappy, move her sooner than you would any other type of school.

My two learned to play lacrosse at their state primary school. It made me laugh though as it did sound very Malory Towers!

Ooh, @steppemum me too.. my dad handed it back to the school and they said they’d use it in the museum 😂

I used to stand in mine to stretch it and make the ball easier to keep in it.

I went to a boarding school for several years, a forces one. That said, there were a good number of pupils who had very sad family backgrounds, bereavement, poor treatment, close to going into care etc.

Whilst there were plenty of activities, I found the education standard to not be very good and the Head was cold, harsh and unreasonable. As at any school there were good and bad teachers, but you are stuck with them in a boarding school. When you feel relief to get away from that staff member who hates you in a day school, well you can't as a boarder.

A lot is to do with friendship groups as well. When I first started it was awful, I didn't gel with anyone and it took me to year 2 to make friends. One had accused her step dad of assault and the other had lost her mum, both such sad circumstances.

But in general I hated it. I never really got over my home sickness and as we went home every third weekend, it became a cycle of distress. I lived for the weekends at home.

When I left, I always knew that my mum did not want me home. I was an adopted child and my parents were quite elderly. I was right, she didn't.

Lots of the children are very, very homesick particularly the younger ones. Its not all midnight snacks, more bed wetting hell. You have to get up and carry on as though nothing is the matter and it is a harsh learning curve. Please reconsider. Even if your dd says she wants to go, she is too young to make this sort of decision for herself.

Agree it’s not all midnight snacks -definitely no ginger beer or camping stoves and only sweets once a week when you had access to your tuck box. I know I really, really wanted to go after reading the Enid Blyton books. The reality was a lot less fun. I’m sure (I hope at least) that thinks have changed in the last 35 years and I guess it does depend a lot on the school as well but mine was a very snobbish environment as well. I didn’t get the brunt end of that nastiness but some girls did in terms of regional accents, parental occupations, vocab, first names (one poor girl called Sharon who’s parents owned a pub chain had it harder), clothes etc.

Things have changed, not thinks!

My SIL’s eating disorder began at boarding school, and from that came major depression, both of which she has been hospitalized for over the years. I have another friend who’s anorexic and the illness started at boarding school.

It’s a hard no from me in every respect.

Eating disorders generally come on in adolescence and are present in every type of school.

True ..but unless things have changed, a boarding school with a refractory and big tables isn’t going to pick up on that in the same way a parent would.

Refectory not refractory!

Haven't RFT and I'm sure somebody has already said this.

I'd send her to a local school that has flexi-boarding and wait for her to ask to board. She will be able to do a trial night and then start on one night a week and build it up if she wants to.

My DS has been at his prep since Reception. He started begging to board at Y4 and we caved and let him start doing one night a week in Y5. He loves it- it really is just a sleepover with friends. He books in for the night they have tuck and earlier access to tech. However, we live a 5 minute walk from the school so if he's booked in but gets tired or wants to come home for any reason he easily can. He knows it's absolutely his choice every single time.

@SJaneS48

True ..but unless things have changed, a boarding school with a refractory and big tables isn’t going to pick up on that in the same way a parent would.

Things have changed.

Fair enough! It’s been 35 years 😀. I’m still think on balance a parent might pick a disorder up quicker. However, I know pastoral care in boarding has come on a hundred fold since my day. (PS, I’m not completely anti boarding by the way, it clearly works for some kids/parents).

Yes, I think shy, introverted kids may struggle with boarding. Other girls I was at BS with, loved it.

I do think you don’t necessarily get a better standard of education at a boarding school. My education was quite a bit behind when I left and I had to catch up at my new school. It was a good thing I left boarding school when I did because a term later, some of the girls was groomed and sexually abused by the school’s Church Minister. The school was eventually closed down.

Well mine was ordering takeaway last night at 8.30pm. Her household (bubble) were watching a film
They just have to go to the gate to collect it.
They are usually allowed quite a lot of freedom, especially at weekend.
Of course there's lots less due to covid, but that's all schools.
They are signed in for meal times and visibly seen/ monitored.
Don't want to go into too many details but my dd was the first to raise the alarm when a friend was bulimic.

Don't go to boarding school based on Malory Towers.

I did.

It isn't like Malory Towers.

I did however get an amazingly privileged experience, great academic results, useful social training and got to escape my shitty homelife with warring parents.

If I did life again i would choose to board earlier.

I saw my cousin’s daughter recently, she absolutely slagged off her parents for sending her, said her friends were her family now. Obviously that’s just one case but there are potential pitfalls.

Can't you sleep when she's at school? Can't say I agree with boarding personally

@SJaneS48

Fair enough! It’s been 35 years 😀. I’m still think on balance a parent might pick a disorder up quicker. However, I know pastoral care in boarding has come on a hundred fold since my day. (PS, I’m not completely anti boarding by the way, it clearly works for some kids/parents).

Just wanted to reassure you that things have definitely changed (well, at some schools anyway, I can only speak from personal experience) in this respect. The housemistress and her 2 deputies often eat with the children and the housemistress actually spoke to me before the end of her very first term at the school as she had seen my daughter not eating as much as she thought she felt she needed. My daughter does have some sensory issues with food textures, and had become a bit stuck in a food rut. We had a good old long chat and came up with a few ideas that have helped and they now have a day where all the children are encouraged to try something new.

@thecatsabsentcojones

I saw my cousin’s daughter recently, she absolutely slagged off her parents for sending her, said her friends were her family now. Obviously that’s just one case but there are potential pitfalls.

But, perhaps oddly, in some ways, that's what I WANT for my daughter. She is an only child and we are older parents. I want her to make lifelong friends and "sisters" who are there long after we are gone. I am absolutely sure that at some point she may resent us for sending her,if only because of lacrosse , but I hope, if she really thinks about it, she will realise we did it for HER, not US. I miss her so much, but I want stability for her and so boarding school was the best choice. I take comfort that pretty much every child will at some point hate their parents for something they did wrong. All I can hope that she honestly feels on balance that we did the best we could for her.

Reading this with interest! My DD wants to board next year to a school that specialises in an activity she excels at. She would be home at weekends, and would be 15 1/2 if she goes/gets in but I still feel that is so young 😳

Is it so bad if the child is older and actively wants to go?

I work at a small boarding school. It offers fexie boarding and the demand for that is huge. We take kids from age 7 but it's very rare that there are full time boarders of that age and I think it is hard for them. Year 7 (age 11) we have a large uptake, mostly weekly boatding. As others have said, choose your school wisely, be flexible and listen to your child. If it suits them/good school, they will love it, if it doesn't, take them out.
For eg I have two girls, one is definitely there as her parents don't want her, the other because her parents are abroad and love her but want a stable good education for her. Both girls have the same experience at school, but parents attitudes still make a huge difference to the individual child.