Boarding school

[BlackbirdFirst]

Aibu to consider boarding for dd when she hits y7?
Is it fun like a sleepover all the time?
Its mixed day and boarding.
Part of the reason is that I seem very lazy (mixture of medical issues) and although I do try to be active, I have long periods where I need to sleep.
I don't want her thinking this is all normal, I want her to be with people who fill their day doing things. From my short experience of boarding school this is what happens - lots to do, I guess to stave off boredom.
Life is full of great things to do, but she sees her mum barely doing any of them.
Boarding will also help with making female friendships work, which is something I have always struggled with too.

Please don’t make it sound all so wonderful when so many children are emotionally damaged from being sent away

The problem for many children with SEN is the damage done to their emotional and/or mental health by mainstream. For them, a specialist residential school can be the lesser of two evils!

DD went to a weekly specialist residential school and it was the happiest time of her life. She said 6 months after going there, of her teacher in the maintained school

“I was suicidal. They made my life torture!”

For the first time in her life, educationally she was in an environment where they understood her, she got the intensive therapies she needed and she could cope. She was not made to feel a failure in comparison with mainstream children, because she no longer had any idea what they were doing. She had friends and after school activities - it was like a normal childhood for the first time. As for not parenting, we spoke to her on the phone every night, she spent all weekends and holidays at home; and we were there for numerous meetings!

I don't get the impression the op is going to force her daughter to go to boarding school, it will be her choice. Also if she did like a school and go and then was unhappy, she wouldn't have to stay.

Some children are happy boarders and some are not. It all depends on the individual child and the school. It is possible to be a weekly boarder if family home is within a reasonable travelling distance, I have known people who did that.

I don't get the impression the op is going to force her daughter to go to boarding school, it will be her choice. Also if she did like a school and go and then was unhappy, she wouldn't have to stay.

Now now.

Don't you know that every child at boarding school was sent there against their wishes at the age of 7 by uncaring parents who were desperate to get back to quaffing champagne without interruption, and who ignore their child from that moment on no matter how unhappy they may seem?

@MrsAvocet

I think we all have a tendency to project our own experiences on to others, its human nature. I had pretty terrible experiences at a state comprehensive and was desperate for my children not to go through the same. So when the time came, I was set on an independent as in my mind, that would solve the problem. However, I eventually figured out that whilst I had been saying "I don't want my children to go to a state school" what I really meant was "I don't want my children to have the same experience as me". Once I got over that, and started to really look carefully at what the schools that were feasible options had to offer, and made a concerted effort to look at them through my child's eyes, not mine, we opted for a state comprehensive. I had to accept that whilst it was the same type of school, it was not my old school, and the person who was starting was not the 11 year old me. I am of the firm opinion that there are good, bad and indifferent schools in all sectors and that different places suit different people. Yes, there are some very specific things to consider about boarding, and it wouldn't be right for my children, but it isn't logical to say that all boarding schools are bad for all children in all circumstances any more than it makes sense to say that all comprehensive schools damage every pupil. All any of us can do is to try to find the best fit for our individual children, from those schools that we have a realistic chance of being able to send them to. I would always advise assessing every school on its individual merits, regardless of what "type" it is, as you may have some preconceptions challenged. I certainly did.

Yup - I absolutely hated my state school. It was appalling and I wouldn't send my worst enemy there.

My husband went to boarding school and swore he would never send his children to a school like it.

Fortunately we're both intelligent enough not to generalise from our own experiences to every single other school, and our children have ended up going to both the local state school and a boarding school.

I did board for two years in my teens. My school was like the one Jane Eyre attended. However I've known many boarders who loved their school so we cannot generalise.

OP, sounds like you're describing M.E.

It could be a good option if you are concerned about her as potentially a young carer (which is anyone living with parental illness). Boarding could mitigate the impact of that on her. Can you get some medical advice for yourself?

I went to a state grammar school and absolutely hated it. Both of my DSs went to a weekly boarding school. It was their choice to board as they didn’t have to get up at ridiculous O’clock to get there for an 8.15 start. They both loved boarding and so did most of their friends. I think that it doesn’t suit the shy, introverted types though and it helps if your child is quite sporty or musical.

it helps if your child is quite sporty or musical.

To be fair, my lovely daughter is dyspraxic and therefore neither sporty nor musical but we specifically chose her school because, unlike many private schools, whilst they can access lots of sports and music, they are not very competitive within the school circuit. This means she can mostly play for fun without feeling she is letting her side down. We also chose it for it's excellent pastoral care and horizontal boarding which means the shy children are with their peers and they really seem to thrive.

@Mushypeasandchipstogo

I went to a state grammar school and absolutely hated it. Both of my DSs went to a weekly boarding school. It was their choice to board as they didn’t have to get up at ridiculous O’clock to get there for an 8.15 start. They both loved boarding and so did most of their friends. I think that it doesn’t suit the shy, introverted types though and it helps if your child is quite sporty or musical.

My DD is musical, but it didn't help her at all at her STEM-focused boarding school. The math team was far bigger than the chorus :-)

Malory towers ??😅 jolly hockey sticks then everything will be super!
Beyond ridiculous.

@KarmaStar

Malory towers ??😅 jolly hockey sticks then everything will be super! Beyond ridiculous.

@KarmaStar

Been to them all have you?! For what it's worth, my daughter goes to the nearest you can probably get to a modern day Malory Towers - in her own words! They play lacrosse and hockey, learn Latin and ride horses. They sometimes cook sausages on fires they have made themselves and they build duvet dens in their dorms and make hot chocolate and toast for supper in their boarding house kitchen....

"Ridiculous" you say..?

Pissing myself laughing that playing lacrosse, learning Latin, riding horses, cooking sausages and making duvet dens is costing you how much?

Ha ha ha ha, how much are you paying?
Bet that will go down in her future workplace. Or friendship group. Or university.

I would never consider it for a child younger than 14/15 years old. Cannot think of any benefits for an Y7 (11 years old) child to be sent away from family unless the home situation is highly dysfunctional.

Quite a few relatives went to boarding. The ones who joined at Y9 or Sixth Form have much more positive views than those who went younger.

@Readandwalk

Pissing myself laughing that playing lacrosse, learning Latin, riding horses, cooking sausages and making duvet dens is costing you how much?

Ha ha ha ha, how much are you paying?
Bet that will go down in her future workplace. Or friendship group. Or university.

@Readandwalk

And I'm "pissing myself laughing" at your obvious ignorance and lack of reading comprehension... My comments about what she does (if you had bothered to read) were in response to another poster saying that it couldn't be anything like Malory Towers. Which my daughter's school kind of is. She doesn't go there just to do those things, those are just some of the things that I mentioned in my comparison to Malory Towers. I suspect in the grand scheme of things, the things I mentioned will be totally irrelevant in her future life, however, they will be part of fun-filled teenage memories much like other non-boarding school kids will have.

My point was to show that these days boarding schools are not all hospital corners, bad food and misery. They have some of the normal fun that kids living at home have.

Also, if you had read my other posts you'd know exactly why my daughter is at boarding school so it's actually irrelevant how much it is costing us, that wasn't the point of her going to boarding school. And for what it's worth, it isn't as much as you might think. We are not loaded by any stretch of the imagination but with other sacrifices it is affordable. We chose a very small, not really known at all school because of of how it felt and their view on raising teenagers to become confident, independent, kind and caring members of society. We did not choose the school for the connections or kudos she will get for going to that school as it isn't in those leagues. However, I do hope that it will give her the chance to make friends and "sisters" for life (she is an only child and not by choice) which being in 3 different schools in 3 different countries in one year would NOT have enabled her to do.

Lacrosse is the game of Satan

I went to boarding school, mine was a mixed experience, but not overall negative, so I follow the research etc on schools with interest.

There search seems to say that however good the school and whatever the intent of parents and teachers, it is emotionally damaging for young children to be sent away from home.

Secondary is another thing altogether, but primary aged boarding is likely to cause harm.

That would fit with my own experience, which is that emotionally it was much harder aged 9, but at 13, I quite liked separating school and home. But anecdote isn't data, so even if you read 100 stories of lovely schools, you need to look at the data. It does damage.

@WouldBeGood

Lacrosse is the game of Satan

I loved lacrosse. Much better than hockey which is a crap game

Dd boarded from 16, her choice on a bursary, she dated guys who had boarded from 8 who were all completely screwed up when it came to relationships, she says it is because their parents dumped them at school rather than taking the effort to parent them. Obviously there are situations where boarding is the least worst option (military, single parents who travel for work). My dp boarded from 11 and no way would he have sent his kids to board - pastoral care has improved though!

I used to know a couple of girls who’d been to boarding school. They both ended up marrying guys who had also been to boarding school. They didn’t move in rarified social circles, one met her DH through work, the other at a nightclub. Just thought it strange they’d found each other and wondered if they recognised something in each other.

I LOVED boarding school. Went when I was 11 to 17. Home one weekend every month or so.

It will depend wholly on the character of your child along with the atmosphere of the school.

Fuck... just no.

Kids should board out of necessity or want, nothing else.

I'm so sorry you're struggling OP, but you will muddle through together. To send her away is not the answer, especially at 7. She's a baby. She's your baby!

If she wants to go in a few years then that's a discussion. But don't feel like this is your only option. She doesn't need a bunch of strangers showing her what's 'normal', she needs her mum who loves her.

You've managed the last seven years just fine. She's happy, healthy and thriving, what's changed recently? If you're in a financial position to pay for boarding school can you pay to get some inhouse help? Perhaps a live in nanny to help look after her if your energy is struggling?

Boarding school is an enormous and outdated practice. Just think about how often she needs you on a day to day basis?

How many times has she cried this week? How much of her tea has she eaten? How often have you had to point out she's got her top on back to front or her shoes on the wrong feet?

She doesn't need boarding school. No matter how much you think she needs better than you can provide I promise you, you're doing just fine. Perhaps look into her boarding overnight every now and then for respite but certainly not a permanent solution.

@steppemum it’s terrifying if you’re talentless and people are lobbing they ball at you at face height 😂

The ball

I think it depends on what your long term health outlook is op. A close member of my family was severely depressed and it did have a very detrimental effect on her daughters in particular.

However I agree with pp who said it takes a certain sort of child to thrive at boarding school. They have to be pretty robust and energetic tbh, and not prone to illness.