Boarding school

[BlackbirdFirst]

Aibu to consider boarding for dd when she hits y7?
Is it fun like a sleepover all the time?
Its mixed day and boarding.
Part of the reason is that I seem very lazy (mixture of medical issues) and although I do try to be active, I have long periods where I need to sleep.
I don't want her thinking this is all normal, I want her to be with people who fill their day doing things. From my short experience of boarding school this is what happens - lots to do, I guess to stave off boredom.
Life is full of great things to do, but she sees her mum barely doing any of them.
Boarding will also help with making female friendships work, which is something I have always struggled with too.

@Devlesko

My dd started boarding at Y7 she's 6th form now. She absolutely loves it and it's been the best decision she made. If it's the right school environment and fits the child I don't think it matters what type of school it is. Mine read Mallory Towers but never thought that was her type of life, she used to tell me it was for others. Then she saw a CBBC programme about a famous school, asked to go to an open day, and I humoured her. Told me she was going and if I tried to stop her she'd never forgive me. We are not from the same class as the usual boarding parent, so it was never on our radar. Oh, and she says one of the characters from Mallory Towers was who she decided to be, was it Daryl, or Darren,?

The main character was Darrell Rivers malorytowers.fandom.com/wiki/Darrell_Rivers

I went to boarding school, granted from a younger age than you are considering for your DD but it has serious affected me mentally since having my own children . I am currently having trauma therapy that will likely last my lifetime. It’s not like Mallory towers. I advise you to look into the long term issues . Have a look into boarding school syndrome.

notanothertakeaway

Thank you, I thought it was one of them. I did read it with her but seems so long ago now.

Would like to add at this point, children sent away to board are only damaged imo when it wasn't the best for the child.
I've had people say to me, well it's different for your dd as she wanted to go. That doesn't mean that it was necessarily right for her, you have to make the call as a parent.
In this sense there is no good or bad reason, just a good and bad fit. If parents are willing to rethink their options if it doesn't work out then there is no problem.
Of course unhappy children are damaged in any situation or any school

Her child is in Year 7, she isn't 7 years old.

My DC chose to weekly board. They came home every weekend, but had the structure during the week, and that suited them.

They both did amazingly well. They have friendships from both their local groups and their boarding friends, and when they went to university they were straight in, boots and all. They understood how the system worked, they had no home sickness, they knew how to deal with difficult people that they had to rub shoulders with.

I have always thought that primary education should prepare children for secondary, and secondary for tertiary.

Whilst it may not be for everyone (and 7 is WAY too young IMO) at 13 mine were ready to go, and it worked really well for them.

A lot of judgy thread on here.

Boarding schools are very different these days, it's not about packing your children off and not seeing them until the holidays. Schools encourage parents to be involved with school life and hold regular events to see their children and what they've been up to.

It's very sad to read some of these posts from people who did not suit boarding school at all. But that doesn't mean it's wrong for ALL children. Some children really thrive at boarding school and have the opportunity to do things they wouldn't do at day school. Plus no sitting in the car being ferried around to activities, everything is on site.

My oldest dd chose to board for Sixth Form at a school that offered a very niche course she wanted to do. She really enjoyed it, she had her own room and it was a good stepping stone to university. She made friends with people from all over the world (lots of international students), learnt to do her laundry and make simple meals and it broadened her life experience. There was one exeat (home) weekend per half term but she could have come home every weekend if she chose to.

But best of all for her - going to her room to have a day time nap, you can't do that at day school!

However I would be wary of sending an 11 year old to boarding school unless they were really keen and the right sort of child to adapt to boarding.

Wouldn't it be better to tackle the "laziness" - your word! - and medical issues? You came across like you'd deemed yourself a poor parent and figured someone else could do a better job.

Are you working? If you medically cannot parent, you cannot work... how would you afford the fees, would her father pay? What if he stops? If you are working and are very rich, but still unable to parent... well, it doesn't add up.

*hammeringinmyhead

an audio story played at bedtime for young ones

Christ. Whether or not the OP is genuine, this makes me want to weep.

Why? the kids liked it, I think it was to promote quiet and calm as they’d all be bouncing around wrestling with friends and generally hyped up. A story gave them a chance to change their head space, have you never listened to music or a pod cast etc to relax you before bed?*

Don't be so disingenuous. My comment was regarding replacing a bedtime story read by a parent or guardian with an audio recording.

I think it depends. Flexiboarding to start seems the most appropriate. It's then child led and they can build up to more or not. It's so dependent on the staff and the pastoral care which is very hard to judge without trying it. Being dropped off hundreds of miles from your family with no hope of seeing them for months is very different to trying a night or two a week and deciding to maybe ramp up to weekly boarding. In the drop and pray scenario I don't think it's appropriate until 16+.

no sitting in the car being ferried to activities, everything is on site
It is interesting that you feel that is a pro bendmeoverbackwards as I view it as a massive con. In fact it was one of the reasons we decided against boarding for our child, and indeed why we rejected our local independent school for a day place too. They were insistent on all pupils participating in quite a lot of school based extra curricular activities, the timing of which would have ruled out many non school activities. I wasn't happy with that level of control being exerted by the school and wanted my children to be able to decide what and where their hobbies were going to be.
Initially it was something that drove us to consider boarding as we were looking at specialist schools. As we live in a rural area we were spending a lot of time and money travelling to get good quality training for DC, so the idea of getting everything all in one was appealing at first, but when we started to look it all seemed very claustrophobic. Living, attending school and doing your non academic activities all in the same place, with the same children felt stifling to us.
Looking at it from the perspective of someone who was bullied at school but had a very happy home life and hobbies. I think I have turned out relatively ok despite my hideous school experience at least in part because I was able to escape to those happy, supportive places. But boarding school doesn't allow you to do that for big chunks of the year does it? I am sure it is great if you are happy, but if not what do you do - all the main areas of your life are pretty much automatically "bad". The thought of having to live round the clock with the people I went to school with makes my blood run cold. It would have been hell.
Plus even if a child is broadly happy, I still think that there is a lot to be gained from interacting with different people in different settings. Interestingly the boarders at the school which my children attend are encouraged to join in local extracurricular activities as well as school ones if they wish, so some of them go to scouts, sports teams, choirs etc in the town even though similar activities are available in school. I assume that it is felt to be beneficial for the children to have a wider social circle and more self determination.
It is without doubt more convenient to have everything on one site, but I remain unconvinced that it is better. Obviously as with anything it will suit some more than others, but we decided to stick with ferrying children in the car and have never regretted it.

I think many people don't realise that parents of boarders see their children pretty much as much as they like. Distance dependant. We live in the country and most children who we know boarding are only 30 miles away in the city. So parents are encouraged to come and watch all the sports matches and are well provided for with a match tea. There are also concerts, plays and exhibitions to go to.
Also many children only board Mon to Thurs. nights so are home every weekend. It's really not the same as it used to be.

Readandwalk

Unless you are a sahm who gives every minute to their child including H.ed, then fuck off.

Have you left your child in nursery whilst you work, you see I could never do that, I find it cruel tbh.
Some people can't wait to get back to work, can't cope with looking after their own kids all day, is this you?
The difference is I and people who share my opinion don't go on nursery threads bitching about parents who do choose to use them. Because it's each o their own, and most parents doing the best for their children/families.
Gotcha.

UnaCorda

I believe most, if not all boarding schools have exeat every 3 weeks, so if half a term is 6 weeks they are never there for more than 3 weeks.
I'm not sure about other schools/ parents but during this time I will have met up twice with my dd, covid restrictions aside.

No need to curse is there? I know parents who put their age 11 year plus kids in boarding schools and see then every third weekend. That's not parenting.
Some posters explained how much they see their children while they board. This has not been my experience. So thats good to hear. .

I do judge when children are sent away for very long stretches as ime this is not parenting
A few hours childcare or day school means the parent is spending time daily with their children. Hardly the same thing.

I loved boarding school!

My DH boarded from a very young age. He loved it and on hindsight it gave him some stability from a troubled home life, although this was never the reason why he went.

If you feel unable to provide your child with all the opportunities which you'd like to give them due to health issues I think it's worth investigating boarding, or flexi boarding.

It would become obvious very quickly if your child will enjoy it and settle. Some schools have trial nights and days.

My DS is very excited to be boarding soon, but I know it wouldn't suit at least one of my other children. She doesn't want to, and we'd never ask her to.

Over my dead body. Children belong in the family, with their parents, siblings and pets.
DH boarded and he recalls his happiest day was when he got expelled for arson.

@MrsAvocet yes good post and some interesting points. It just depends on how happy the child is and the friends that they make. It could turn out very well with good friendships and no bullying, might be fun to do extra curricular stuff with your friends. Plus it's all very well if you can and are willing to drive your children to activities but for many working parents that's very difficult to manage.

Pros and cons like with a lot of issues. People on here who are dead set against it have often had unhappy personal experiences of boarding school which is very sad. But that doesn't mean it's awful for all children. Some will love it, others will hate it.

DS is a boarder. An Army father meant 8 houses and 6 primary schools by age 11. So we thought it was best for him. Educationally it has been great, but we have lost a part of him. He has a life we are not part of at 11 and I miss him terribly. And no, it's not like Malllory Towers 🤔

@catsarepeopletoo But what if the dc doesn't have any siblings and the father has decided to absent himself. That can be a lonely life for a child.

No need to curse is there? I know parents who put their age 11 year plus kids in boarding schools and see then every third weekend. That's not parenting.

Seems like every reason to tell you to fuck off.
If you don't want curses then don't put parents of boarders down.
You have no idea as you stated, so why not get the facts before belittling others choices and parenting.

DD has boarded at ballet school since Yr7 and loves it. It’s the right environment for her, and we deliberately make sure that communication between us is daily and meaningful. Boarding is about the needs of the child, not the parents, and that seems to be very much where you are coming from too. Keep the lines of conversation open, and make sure you have an ‘escape plan’ that if she isn’t happy, she comes home and goes to regular school. Visit schools and find one that she feels is right. Schools vary hugely, and what is right for one family won’t necessarily be right for another.

Because they are facts of my experience. And as a teacher of two decades experience I can speak from that. Or is that not valid? It is my experience that anyone I know who sends their children to board have said it's a relief not to parent.

I boarded from much younger. I wouldn't put my kids in to board without a very good reason, such as being in forces or specialist training. It fundamentally changes your relationship with your parents as you develop away from them. I also found the changes between term time and holidays hard. If you send her you need to be prepared for her to detach from you faster than she would otherwise.

The thing is, some kids absolutely thrive at boarding school, and it destroys others. There's little way of knowing which category your daughter would fall into until you try.

If the only reason you're thinking about it is because of your illness, I would urge you to think again. Your daughter will be able to socialise plenty at school, you can do things with her when you're feeling well, and have quiet quality time when you're not - for example games and board games. You can encourage her to join clubs, and go out to see her friends, or even ask other family members whether they could include her in what they do sometimes.

Also, talk to her about your condition. If she is in high school, she is old enough to understand. Talk to her about how it effects you, and what it leaves you unable to do. Discuss the possibility of boarding - and why - and see what she says about. If she doesn't want to, please don't make her or push her. Very very few children board, and the vast majority will thrive perfectly well in 'normal' school, even given your situation at home.

There are definitely ways around this other than boarding. It might be the right thing for her, but it seems a bit extreme given your reasons :).

Also, talk to her about your condition. If she is in high school, she is old enough to understand. Talk to her about how it effects you, and what it leaves you unable to do. Discuss the possibility of boarding - and why - and see what she says about. If she doesn't want to, please don't make her or push her. Very very few children board, and the vast majority will thrive perfectly well in 'normal' school, even given your situation at home.

This is great advice. I have two who are thriving in our local school, and one who was being destroyed by it, and for whom boarding school was the place where she was very happy. Good parenting is about responding to your child's needs.