Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your child came out as an asexual, how would you feel/react?

386 replies

WellThisWentWell · 13/09/2020 13:11

Yanbu= would love and accept them for who they are

Yabu= asexuality isin’t real, they just haven’t met the ’one’

OP posts:
DishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 13/09/2020 18:54

The take that thing doesnt everyone pretend they fancy celebrities?

A lot of the time Id just pretend I fancied the same celebrities as my friends, or would pick the funniest boyband member. I wasnt actually sexually attracted to celebrities at 14. Im pretty certain a lot of my friends did the same.

MorrisZapp · 13/09/2020 18:54

@slashlover

Yes of course. Lots of gay and straight people are celibate by choice. How does this apply to asexuality?

Because them having absolutely no sex or sex multiple times per day does not change their sexuality. Therefore whether an asexual person does or does not have sex has no bearing on their sexuality.

I'm never going to understand this, sorry. I won't keep asking for explanations.
SimonJT · 13/09/2020 18:54

@JustanAunt

Also, virgin shaming is very real. I felt so embarrassed for so long that I was a virgin, every year that passed I felt more and more like a freak. I was a 24 year old virgin! A 26 year old virgin!? And now a 31 year old virgin. I have stopped feeling ashamed because I understand asexuality and that my worth is not linked to how many people I have slept with
Its odd isn’t it, I’m not asexual but I was a virgin until 26 by choice. I mentioned it on here once and one poster replied in a quite detailed why explaining why that was weird. They failed to realised the only weird thing was that they essentially thought I should have forced myself to have sex when I didn’t want to.
slashlover · 13/09/2020 18:55

Also, virgin shaming is very real. I felt so embarrassed for so long that I was a virgin, every year that passed I felt more and more like a freak. I was a 24 year old virgin! A 26 year old virgin!? And now a 31 year old virgin. I have stopped feeling ashamed because I understand asexuality and that my worth is not linked to how many people I have slept with

High five! Grin

MorganKitten · 13/09/2020 18:55

Many parents would be sad to feel they had no chance of becoming grandparents, especially if they have only one child.

@FlamedToACrisp my friend is a sexual and has two biological children, you can want to have children and not want to have sex. She saw it as something needed to have a baby.
I know gay men and women who also have biological children.

bridgetreilly · 13/09/2020 18:55

Oh, okay.

Honestly, OP, I would just not be having those conversations with my parents at all. My sex life and sexuality are not really up for discussion with them.

MrsxRocky · 13/09/2020 18:57

Kids these days want to make a statement. They don't realise every single person has these feelings at one time or other in life.
There's been times I've been asexual for months. No interest in sex with myself or anyone else. Complete loss of drive and sexual attraction. But it came back.
He or she will get over it.

bellinisurge · 13/09/2020 18:59

If my dd never has children out of choice I would respect her choice and support her. If she never has children for medical reasons I would support her. If she never has children because that's just not how life turned out, I would support her.
I am not "pining to be a grandmother ". She doesn't need that pressure. In my fifties.

SimonJT · 13/09/2020 19:00

@FlamedToACrisp Many parents would be sad to feel they had no chance of becoming grandparents, especially if they have only one child.

Lots of straight people don’t have children, lots of asexual and gay people do.

Original poster
WellThisWentWell · 13/09/2020 19:01

@JustanAunt

I just want to say thank you for your beutiful posts.

I i relate to it so, so much.

OP posts:
MorganKitten · 13/09/2020 19:02

@MileyWiley

That it's a phase
I guess my 43 year old friend is still in a phase...
namechangenumber204 · 13/09/2020 19:04

I would think it was none of my business and I would love them regardless - in fact I am pretty sure one of my sons is. Having said that being asexual doesn't mean you don't want sex, many asexual people do have sex.

MorganKitten · 13/09/2020 19:04

@MrsxRocky

Kids these days want to make a statement. They don't realise every single person has these feelings at one time or other in life. There's been times I've been asexual for months. No interest in sex with myself or anyone else. Complete loss of drive and sexual attraction. But it came back. He or she will get over it.
That’s not being a sexual, what you’re talking about is a phase or a shift in hormones as to why you don’t want sex. If it turns on and off it’s a phase.
MorganKitten · 13/09/2020 19:05

@ResIpsaLoquiturInterAlia

Asexual definition

adjective
Biology - having no gender or sexual organs and so independent of sexual processes, especially not involving the union of male and female germ cells.

noun
A person who is free from sexual desires or sexuality

I am guessing original poster that you are referring to the adjective meaning of asexual as child born with no gender or sexual organs.

As a parent you would love your child no matter what and adapt accordingly. What other option is there? I am no medic so naively assuming this is not screenable early on in pregnancy etc?

Original poster you also included the voting option relating to the noun meaning of not finding the 'one.' No really knowledgeable to know much about this as can't love in its general sense be implied to mean family/parental love and then possibly when into adulthood love for another in the traditional sense of finding a partner where love is mutual? Anyway good luck in this scenario to anyone with this predicament. Frankly I needed to double check definition as was not immediately sure of asexual meaning(s)!

You have A Sexual and Intersex confused
Sanitisethat · 13/09/2020 19:07

Kids these days want to make a statement. They don't realise every single person has these feelings at one time or other in life.
There's been times I've been asexual for months. No interest in sex with myself or anyone else. Complete loss of drive and sexual attraction. But it came back.
He or she will get over it.

So fucking ignorant.

VirginiaWolverine · 13/09/2020 19:07

Plenty of lesbians and gay men have sex with partners of the opposite sex at some point in their lives. Straight people sometimes gave sex same-sex partners. It doesn't make them heterosexual or gay or even bisexual, because there are lots of reasons why people have sex with other people they aren't attracted to. They might be curious, or feel social pressure, or love their partner and want to make them happy. They might want the physical comfort and intimacy that goes with sex. They might just feel horny and have sex to relieve their libido without being physically attracted to that person. They might want to have a family with children.

Some of those aren't very good reasons to have sex, but unless there is a way of talking about lack of sexual.sttraction, it's very easy for people, especially young people, to think that falling into a sexual relationship with someone you aren't attracted to is normal and what everyone does.

WerkHorse · 13/09/2020 19:07

Thank you @slashlover

WerkHorse · 13/09/2020 19:10

Thank you @virginiawerewolf

LynetteScavo · 13/09/2020 19:27

my sons sexuality is irrelevant to me as it is none of my business and I genuinely find the idea of caring about it same as what kind of milk he buys when he leaves home.

I actually care a lot more about the milk my adult DC drink than their sexuality.

I care very much about their happiness though.

If they don't want any milk that's fine with me.

If they want vegan milk, that's fine by me, I'll get some in for when they visit.

If they drink loads and loads of gold top I might be a bit concerned and suggest they calm it down. Grin

Codexdivinchi · 13/09/2020 19:28

Some of those aren't very good reasons to have sex, but unless there is a way of talking about lack of sexual.sttraction, it's very easy for people, especially young people, to think that falling into a sexual relationship with someone you aren't attracted to is normal and what everyone does

But that doesn’t mean we have to start suggesting to children that they are Asexual so they have a reason not to engage in sexual activity. We should always be reinforcing the fact you never engage in any sexual activity if you do not want to.

You don’t have to have a Asexual label to shield behind. I said upthread I wouldn’t be surprised if many young people now feel like this because they are being assaulted by sexual pressure whilst in school, online and actually now being taught about sex games in class!!

WerkHorse · 13/09/2020 19:30

@VirginiaWolverine I meant. Sorry, terrible memory and on the app also can't reference back when making my replies.

JustanAunt · 13/09/2020 19:39

@Codexdivinchi

Some of those aren't very good reasons to have sex, but unless there is a way of talking about lack of sexual.sttraction, it's very easy for people, especially young people, to think that falling into a sexual relationship with someone you aren't attracted to is normal and what everyone does

But that doesn’t mean we have to start suggesting to children that they are Asexual so they have a reason not to engage in sexual activity. We should always be reinforcing the fact you never engage in any sexual activity if you do not want to.

You don’t have to have a Asexual label to shield behind. I said upthread I wouldn’t be surprised if many young people now feel like this because they are being assaulted by sexual pressure whilst in school, online and actually now being taught about sex games in class!!

I don’t think anyone should ‘suggest’ a sexual orientation to any child. Sexuality is a personal journey. I believe we need comprehensive sex education in schools, and for children to be taught about consent, how to say no, and how to hear no. They should also be taught the range of sexual orientations and what they actually mean, give young people the power of knowledge for them to make their own way in life.

I don’t know if you are saying that asexuality is only used as a shield for people to avoid sexual pressure, I hope that’s not what you mean, it’s a valid sexual orientation and to suggest otherwise is false.

Grellbunt · 13/09/2020 19:43

@slashlover

You'd tell someone about a boyfriend so they know who you are talking about or introducing them to. With a pregnancy, because there will be changes ahead. If nothing is changing, there's no need to talk about it. I don't tell my parents whether DH and I have high or low libidos, whether we enjoy kink or are straight vanilla.

Being asexual is not about whether you do or don't have sex.

When parents are constantly asking if you're dating/when are you going to meet someone/trying to set you up then you need a shorthand way of telling them that you're not interested.

Do you think people shouldn't come out as gay?

Well they’re shit parents if they harangue their kids like that. Who does that? Unreal.
Craddle64 · 13/09/2020 19:45

If you are asexual and get aroused, as you say that can happen to asecuals, the fuck are they aroused for? Their own hand?

HarryHarry1 · 13/09/2020 19:45

It would be a non-issue for me.

Swipe left for the next trending thread