If your child came out as an asexual, how would you feel/react?

[WellThisWentWell]

Yanbu= would love and accept them for who they are

Yabu= asexuality isin’t real, they just haven’t met the ’one’

I don't need to know the nuance of whether someone else feels attraction or desire. Unless I'm their partner or trying to be their partner, it's nothing to do with me. I wouldn't expect anyone to tell me this stuff about themselves unless we were close friends.

Could you give us a couple of sentences saying what asexuality is, that makes it a sexual orientation? If it requires 'further reading' then it clearly isn't anything like gay, straight, or bi, all of which can be explained in a handful of words.

slashlover that's not being asexual, it's just not fancing a specific person who you nevertheless love. That's very time and place and partner specific, not an intrinsic sexuality.

I never said it was. I stated that some asexuals can become aroused and enjoy sex even though they don't fancy their partner.

Asexuality is not having sexual feelings. To claim it is situational makes it a nonsense. Like claiming the intrinsic identity of being green eyed when wearing green contact lenses over blue eyes.

Asexuality is not being sexually attracted to anyone, it does not mean celibacy.

@MorrisZapp well I would have thought ‘doesn’t experience sexual attraction, or experiences it very rarely’ would have been sufficiently clear for most, but clearly some disagree. I think if you can understand ‘experiences sexual attraction to men’ you ought to be able to understand ‘doesn’t experience sexual attraction’, but if not, further information exists to help you understand better.

Having had a child with cancer - brain tumour - who we thought might die aged 8, I couldn't give a flying fuck about their sexuality.

Not one tiny little shit. Happy to help.

Ok let's explain it to children.

Uncle Colin is gay, that means that he loves men, not women.

Your big cousin Tilly is bi, that means she might have a girlfriend, or a boyfriend.

Your aunt Carol is asexual, that means that...

What?

Could you give us a couple of sentences saying what asexuality is, that makes it a sexual orientation? If it requires 'further reading' then it clearly isn't anything like gay, straight, or bi, all of which can be explained in a handful of words.

Gay is sexual attraction to the same sex.

Straight is sexual attraction to the opposite sex.

Bi is sexual attraction to the both sexes.

Asexual is sexual attraction to the neither sex.

All of these orientations may have high or low libidos, they may or may not masturbate, they may or may not experience sexual arousal, they may or may not have physical sex.

You know how if you ate a heterosexual woman, you aren't attracted to other women? And how if you are a lesbian, you aren't attracted to men? It's like both of those at once.

[quote Sanitisethat]@MorrisZapp well I would have thought ‘doesn’t experience sexual attraction, or experiences it very rarely’ would have been sufficiently clear for most, but clearly some disagree. I think if you can understand ‘experiences sexual attraction to men’ you ought to be able to understand ‘doesn’t experience sexual attraction’, but if not, further information exists to help you understand better.[/quote]
I assumed in the past that that was exactly what asexual meant. But now that's wrong because its a myth that asexual people don't want to have sex?

slashlover you said not attracted to your partner anymore - not never attracted to anyone. Not being attracted to your partner but still loving them isn't a sexuality, it's a very, very specific and limited situation concerning only your feelings for a specific individual. That isn't an orientation!

That article basically says asexual people have libido and want to have sex to experience sexual pleasure and release but don't find any specific individual sexually attractive... Is that seriously how you want it understood?

What does an asexual teenager need support with?
twats saying 'it's only a phase' and 'you haven't met the right man yet' I'd imagine.

I wanted to find out more when a friend said she was asexual recently, feeling a bit ignorant and not wanting to interrogate the woman.
I bought a text-book type to learn more. was a bit impenetrable (pun not intended, but once the word had come into my head I couldn't think of a synonym) - then read this after hearing an interview with the author.

Loveless
It's a YA novel, so a bit 'young' - but I did feel it gave me more of an insight.

Are, not ate. If you ate a heterosexual woman, that would be cannibalism, which is a completely different kettle of fish.

Ok I think I'm getting there. I don't understand the bit where they have sex though.

I assumed in the past that that was exactly what asexual meant. But now that's wrong because its a myth that asexual people don't want to have sex?

Some do and some don't.

Do you believe that some heterosexual women want to have sex and some don't but they are both considered to be heterosexual because they find men to be attractive?

@slashlover

That's a circular argument. Why would a teenager get comments about asexuality unless they told people they were asexual? It's nobody's business but theirs so why draw attention to it? Loads of teenagers aren't in sexual relationships. No explanation needed.

When I was at school there was much discussion about which member of Take That you fancied. We filled in the Smash Hits Poll Winners Party forms which included 'Sexiest Male'. We covered our books with posters of the celebrities we thought were hot. There were sleepovers where the major topic of conversation was who fancied who and which boy we wanted to date.

I spent the majority of my teens hiding how I felt and pretending that I had a major crush on Mark Owen. I felt so alone and that I was the only one who felt this way. In my early 20s I seriously considered going to a therapist because their MUST be something wrong with me. I fully believe that my lack of knowledge about my sexuality was a major cause of my depression. I discovered asexuality and it was like I suddenly fitted in, I suddenly had a whole group of people who understood.

I’m sorry you felt alone when you were in your teens. I felt alone too but that was for other reasons.

What I’m wary of is pressuring our young children in to boxes. I wouldn’t want Asexuality added the list of things children now have to learn in school about their sexuality. Tbh I’m tired of it. Children should be able to approach their parents about feelings they have not to be sat down in school and told there are all these boxes they could/should fit it. I don’t want my Why on earth would anybody who doesn't want to have sex with you need to know that you're asexual? The whole thing is baffling. Why is it 'coming out'? It isn't a sexual orientation any more than being single or coupled up is an orientation. children deciding in school what sexuality she is going to be for the rest of her life.

I went to an all girls school. I thought I was a lesbian for a while, then I thought I was BI then I realised I was straight now after 3 kids, a shit marriage, fat I’m probably Asexual.

I’d rather my kids figured it out as they go along to be honest.

Yes of course. Lots of gay and straight people are celibate by choice. How does this apply to asexuality?

Im really not sure i fully understand asexuality

I understand not feeling sexual attraction to people. But some asexual people do want sex? What makes you want to have sex with someone, if you arent sexually attracted?

I fully understand loving someone and not being sexually attracted to them, this is how I feel about some of my close friends or my brother, but I absolutely do not want to have sex with these people.

If asexual people do end up in relationshops and have sex with someone surely that is actually they just hadnt met the one?

If my teenager came out as asexual, I might think its a phase. I think its very common for teenagers to not feel sexual attraction towards others it doesnt make them asexual, and I wouldnt want them to feel they had to be asexual forever. But equally I would support them.

If an adult came out as asexual I wouldnt really think very much, its their life. It doesnt matter that I dont fully understand it as long as they do.

@MorrisZapp the issue there is you’re conflating sex with love. Asexuals may still experience romantic attraction, and therefore love people romantically.

Re wanting to have sex - that isn’t exactly the same as sexual attraction. Asexuals may want to have sex for a range of reasons - to please a partner they are romantically involved with, to feel intimacy or closeness, to scratch a physical itch. None of those things require sexual attraction.

Other asexuals may never want to have sex.

Wow, so much misinformation on this thread. Thank you Slash and others for trying.

I am in my 30s and am asexual, as it has been mentioned the reality of this can look different for different people.

For me, I have never been in a relationship, or had sex. I do not want to. I have never felt sexually attracted to anyone. People think there are ‘too many labels’ that’s nice for you when you fit in a box. For me, I didn’t understand why I was different. When I learnt about asexuality in my 20s it was like a light switch in my head. I wasn’t abnormal, I wasn’t alone.

I didn’t ‘come out’ and most people don’t even know I am asexual. I casually mentioned it once to my mum, she looked it up later and also felt a sense of relief that she understood an important part of my life, and that I wasn’t lonely or craving something, I was just a different sexual orientation.

I just ask for respect. It may seem strange to others, but this is my truth and my life. Asexuality is very real.

slashlover you said not attracted to your partner anymore - not never attracted to anyone. Not being attracted to your partner but still loving them isn't a sexuality, it's a very, very specific and limited situation concerning only your feelings for a specific individual. That isn't an orientation!

I was making a comparison because people asked how an asexual person can have sex if they are not sexually attracted to someone.

I was stating that an asexual person can love their partner, never be sexually attracted to them but still have sex. I compared it to how a heterosexual person can love their partner, no longer be sexually attracted to them but still have sex.

Weird C&P in there but you can get my gist

Also, virgin shaming is very real. I felt so embarrassed for so long that I was a virgin, every year that passed I felt more and more like a freak. I was a 24 year old virgin! A 26 year old virgin!? And now a 31 year old virgin. I have stopped feeling ashamed because I understand asexuality and that my worth is not linked to how many people I have slept with

Yes of course. Lots of gay and straight people are celibate by choice. How does this apply to asexuality?

Because them having absolutely no sex or sex multiple times per day does not change their sexuality. Therefore whether an asexual person does or does not have sex has no bearing on their sexuality.

How old is the child?

Like, I remember once reading a blog post about someone whose 9 yo had just announced they were pansexual, but responded to the idea of kissing with 'ew'. That child was not pansexual or asexual or any kind of sexual. They were still a child.

So a child who is still a child would get a very different response from me compared to an adult child, who is capable of knowing and understanding themselves.

Many parents would be sad to feel they had no chance of becoming grandparents, especially if they have only one child

Some asexual people still do have sex you know.

How old is the child? Adult child? I would thank them for telling me.