If your child came out as an asexual, how would you feel/react?

[WellThisWentWell]

Yanbu= would love and accept them for who they are

Yabu= asexuality isin’t real, they just haven’t met the ’one’

Maybe asexual isn’t the right “label” for me but it’s only recently I’ve wanted to find someone. Don’t even start me about carrying the v-card because that stresses me out even more

You don't have to label yourself if you don't want to.

Wanting a relationship isn't incompatible with asexuality as you could be hetero-romantic and asexual. Or homo-romantic. Or bi-romantic.

Why do I need to know which applies? Is none of my business.

But is anyone actually asking you to care? You’re getting in a big tizz over hypothetical people coming out to you, but that’s not really the point.

For some people, including asexuals, coming out is important. It’s important for them that the people they care about know about an important part of their lives and identities. It’s important to them not to be subjected to inaccurate assumptions or speculation.

It doesn’t really matter what your views on it are. It’s not about you.

This thread is so interesting!
I always thought asexuality was just not being attracted to anyone (sexually and romantically) and I thought that those who are in asexual relationships were emotionally intimate but never physically.
I can see I was wrong!

I don't typically agree with pigeonholeing sexuality though as I believe it's one big spectrum. But then I've never had to explain my sexuality to anyone before. The explanation of pansexual was brilliantly described on Schitts creek.

"David: I see where you’re going with this. Um, I do drink red wine. But I also drink white wine. And I’ve been known to sample the occasional rose. And a couple summers back I tried a merlot that used to be a chardonnay, which got a bit complicated.
Stevie: Oh, so you’re just really open to all wines.
David: I like the wine and not the label. Does that make sense?"

So taking this analogy a bit further, would asexuality be like just not drinking wine at all and have no desire to, but some may be prepared to have a glass here and there when offered or just because you fancy having a glass?

I wouldn't really care tbh , I hope my child doesn't feel they have to announce their sexuality to me , unless they were struggling and needed support.
I really hope the world moves forward when things like that are no big deal .

So taking this analogy a bit further, would asexuality be like just not drinking wine at all and have no desire to, but some may be prepared to have a glass here and there when offered or just because you fancy having a glass?

Something like that, you don't crave wine but some people might have a glass. Some people might not want a glass but might have a bit of the cheese you're having with it or have a glass of low alcohol. Some of us are completely tea-total.

Some of these analogies just confuse me though.

@MorrisZapp

I gave up on that article in paragraph two. It explained that some people are demi sexual which falls under the asexual umbrella and means only wanting sex with people who you've formed a deep bond with.

By that measure, most of my parents generation were demi sexual, therefore asexual. If I came out to my parents and said 'mum, dad, I'm really sorry but I only want to have sex with people I have a strong attachment too, I hope you can still love me' then it would be blank looks all round. No parent on earth hopes or expects that their child has emotionally meaningless sex.

By labelling everything we render all labels devoid of meaning.

The fear of being....

... ordinary

Heaven forbid someone should miss out on a special label! The Concept of everyone just being themselves, with different personalities, seems to be out. Is social media the cause? All this self absorbed navel gazing is just so shallow.

@Dontforgetyourbrolly

I wouldn't really care tbh , I hope my child doesn't feel they have to announce their sexuality to me , unless they were struggling and needed support. I really hope the world moves forward when things like that are no big deal .

Sadly it seems things are getting worse.

Virgin shaming? What on earth? How rude. I would never dream of even discussing such a thing with someone, let alone mocking them for it. Is nothing private in today’s world? Why should it be anyone’s business?

Heaven forbid someone should miss out on a special label! The Concept of everyone just being themselves, with different personalities, seems to be out. Is social media the cause? All this self absorbed navel gazing is just so shallow.

Social media wasn't a thing in the 90s so no. I went to school when Section 28 was still in full force and still turned out asexual. I think it's just that people aren't afraid of saying how they feel now. There were still gay people when i went to school but they didn't come out until they were older as it wasn't accepted.

"That's nice dear. Have you fed the cat yet?".

Together with inwardly rolling my eyes and wondering why on earth I needed to know.

For me, I have had sex, loads of it in fact when I was young and didn’t understand why everyone else seemed to love it, but I just found it all a bit ....m’eh, really. So I thought I just needed to try harder. I was married and had sex because j wanted kids, not because I gave a shit about the actual sex. I didn’t know that asexuality was a thing until I was in my 30s and suddenly it made sense and the relief that I wasn’t broken was amazing. So for all those people who say you don’t need labels..for lots of us those labels are freeing and amazing. It’s as important a label as my religion, or my political leanings, or being a mother because it’s part of who I am.
I’m currently very very happily single, I like relationships, I am very physically affectionate, I love to hold hands and kiss and cuddle...I just don’t have any desire for sex.

Dontforgetyourbrolly it's rather the other way around by the sound of things! Apparently now people who have libido and sexual desire and wish to have sex but don't find anyone specific attractive need a label... According to the article shared earlier this is also a spectrum. So people who have an average libido and have sex and enjoy it but find only a few people fairly attractive are on the asexual spectrum.

If asexual means what it says in the dictionary then yes, there may be a value for the individual in being able to say to their closest family "I'm asexual, so no, don't worry about me, I'm happy as I am not having or wanting a sexual relationship" and indeed in recognising that it's fine and they're not somehow broken.

The definition in the article is not something anyone would want to explain to their parents though - why tell your parents that yes, you have an active sex life and healthy libido but have sex with people you don't fancy? That specific explanation certainly would worry most parents. Nobody wants to hear their child say their orientation is having sex with people whom they're not attracted to because they like sex as an end in itself...

But why would I talk about my sexual life with anyone other than my sexual partner (if I even had one)? I find the idea of that very offputting and I’d hate for any friend to raise it with me. Just be who you are.

But the „asexual“ people are not somehow exceptional - its the world around us that puts up unrealistic expectations around sex. It’s very sad that people who don’t desire sex find themselves expected to label themselves as somehow not normal.

How can you enjoy sex with someone you’re not attracted to, though? It’s not logical.

@Grellbunt

But why would I talk about my sexual life with anyone other than my sexual partner (if I even had one)? I find the idea of that very offputting and I’d hate for any friend to raise it with me. Just be who you are.

We are all different in how we interact with those closest to us. Personally I don’t consider any part of my life off limits to certain people, such as my mother. I find it freeing knowing I can talk to her about anything and everything.

I find your earlier comments about labels very dismissive of other people’s experiences. As I have stated in other comments I felt like a freak, I felt abnormal and I hated it. Finding out there was a term for what I was made me feel normal and ordinary again, quite the opposite of how you put it

Grellbunt that's exactly what the healthline article shared upthread says though.

I wouldn't 'feel' anything, I'd just be interested...and perhaps be pleased they'd felt able to confide in me. How would I react? I don't know much about being asexual, I'd ask them to tell me about it and what it meant for them.
Wouldn't make any difference as to how I loved and/or accepted them at all, although as both of mine are in their very early thirties (and actually, not in relationships) it's actually up to them...

As to the people who are saying they're sad because they "wouldn't be grandparents"....the thought honestly didn't cross my mind, nor does it matter in the slightest....

I'm so old that I remember when only wanting to have sex with people you are deeply attracted to was mainstream.

Are all those dodgy drunken "lads" who have as many one night stands as possible with any girl or woman who'll let them actually asexual because they aren't actually attracted to the specific women but just "scratching an itch"?

I rather doubt it, but the healthline article definition would include them!

@slashlover

So taking this analogy a bit further, would asexuality be like just not drinking wine at all and have no desire to, but some may be prepared to have a glass here and there when offered or just because you fancy having a glass?

Something like that, you don't crave wine but some people might have a glass. Some people might not want a glass but might have a bit of the cheese you're having with it or have a glass of low alcohol. Some of us are completely tea-total.

Some of these analogies just confuse me though.

As a huge wine lover this analogy made the most sense to me It's all very interesting. As I say, as someone who has never felt the need to explain my sexuality, I don't really regard myself as having one I suppose! I think at a push I'd say I was pansexual, so no one is really off limits to me....so in that was I guess I'm the opposite of asexual? I never struggled with my sexuality or have been discriminated because of it. I find I am discriminated more for being a woman than I am when I've been with women. I went to an all girl's school and honestly, we had a whole range of different sexualities, plenty of people experimenting or just drunken snogs between friends, plenty of out and proud lesbians, a smaller number of trans people and non-binary (although I don't think anyone knew what that was called then). So my pansexuality was never something new or strange for people to get their heads around. My parents always thought it was a phase but I didn't care what they thought.

I genuinely feel for those who do have a battle with their sexuality, or feeling broken because of it. If having a term, word of phrase helps you explain yourself or understand yourself better, then why the hell not?!
I don't care what DS is. And for those saying that asexual people miss out on something great or whatever, well it wouldn't be great for them so it's hardly missing out!

It’s very sad that people who don’t desire sex find themselves expected to label themselves as somehow not normal.

I'm asexual and I'm normal.

Yeah, would depend how old they are. I mean, at 14, not sure I would take it seriously, but there's not really much harm in it. I'd keep an open channel about it so they can keep their options open.

At 30, say, yes I would take it totally seriously and be happy as long as they are happy.

I would worry with, say, a teenager, that it might be self-limiting and make it hard to find a relationship if you absorb it into your identity. I couldn't face the idea of sex at all until I was 21 - how might I have felt if asexuality had been more of a thing when I was a teenager? I'm still not a big fan of sex and wonder sometimes if I'm asexual

Another day, another label for people to discuss while the world burns.

I don't care what DS is. And for those saying that asexual people miss out on something great or whatever, well it wouldn't be great for them so it's hardly missing out!

Exactly.

It's similar to how some people who have kids couldn't possibly imagine not wanting them, and think the childfree are missing out.

@TomPinch

Another day, another label for people to discuss while the world burns.

I mean, ya didn’t have to click on the thread. There’s room for many different discussions, that don’t have to be about the shit show of the planet right now. My identity is important to me, I think this thread is useful for people to discover an aspect of sexuality that they may have never known about before.