Or is DH a little selfish...

[Roseglasses]

We have a 5 months old baby, first time parents.

DH is back in the office full time, and since our baby isn't sleeping very well on a night, DH has decided to sleep in the spare room Sun - Thu so his sleep isn't disturbed.

Ive felt like this is fair as I breastfeed so there's not really much he can help with overnight.

However he's now decided that on a weekend, he requires a sleep in as he's exhausted after working all week.
He's been doing this for a few weeks now.

Yesterday DC woke at 6am and I got up whilst DH slept until 11.!!!!

Today I was up at 5am and he's still in bed.

I've confronted him about this and his response was that he's working full time, he has a long commute (45 each way) and he needs the rest.

My argument is im awake several times a night with the baby, I'm not getting anymore than 3 unbroken hours at a time.

DH is in the spare room, he usually goes to bed at 10/11pm and he's up at 6.30am so he's getting a good 7/8 hours unbroken sleep 5 nights a week.

I'd love to have a sleep in on a weekend whilst he gets up with DD for a few hours.

I absolutely don't mind the unbroken sleep during the week and I definitely don't begrudge him being in the spare room, but am I being unreasonable to think him sleeping in on a weekend is taking the piss?

Let me guess, he comes in at night and has to unwind from work so cannot possibly take the baby.

Yep

And I've also heard how he has no time to himself recently too...

Don't be sad about it be angry!

How can he say he loves you yet at the same time he's clearly decided you don't deserve proper sleep and rest but he does. Like he thinks he's better than you.

You should do 100% of childcare and housework during his work and commuting times. The remaining time should be split. Life doesn't have to end when you have children at all but you still need to act as a responsible parent. We have a calendar where we write down nights/days out with friends etc so the other knows not to book anything that day as they'll be looking after the children.

If looking after the baby is sooooo easy he will be happy to do half of it.

You also need to set boundaries now prior to going back to work otherwise you'll be working as well as doing all childcare and housework.

Personally I couldn't allow myself to stay with someone who thought it was ok for me to do everything whilst they watched. I'd rather be a single parent (and have been. It is so much easier than being with someone who refuses to do their fair share).

If I were you I'd set myself a date as a cut off point for him changing. I'd speak to him about how I feel and if things haven't improved by that date I'd end the relationship. You don't want your child growing up thinking misogyny is normal.

What would kill it for me is how he doesn't want his child. He doesn't want to spend any time with his child, sees looking after her and spending time with her as a chore that women do. That would piss me off and break my heart. I wouldn't be able to have sex with such a twat. And then there's how he treats you. He sees working outside the home as a get out of life free pass. How immature.

I'm planning on going back but only part time.
Go Back full time.
DO NOT SACRIFICE YOUR CAREER AND PENSION FOR A SELFISH MAN.

This! Please go back full time or both of you do 4 days a week or equivalent. Otherwise you'll be doing it all.

Also, I'd get the Saturday lie in otherwise he'll try and get it on the sunday too or ruin yours because he's had his. At least if he ruins yours on the Saturday you can ensure his is ruined on the Sunday!

Adding the same, when I was on maternity DH helped during nights in the week and weekends as our DD was a non sleeper and always up at 5am.

Even now they're 6 and 3 year old we still take a turn at weekends for a lie in as both are early risers. Breakfast is at 8am and we all eat together and get on with our day, as weekends are family time. Only excuse for a longer lie in is if we're genuinely exhausted, ill, or have had a rare night out.

Each pick a morning for a lie in? On your lie in put the baby in the room with him after last feed?

Go. Back. Full . Time. Make him do pick up every day. Drop off you will be around in the morning anyway and you would naturally help. Pick up he has to leave work and no option to switch off as you aren’t there. Arrive home only after dinner is being served. I might sound tough but it’s the secret to a happy marriage. Knowing your partner can parent without you and not just take them to the park every now and then.

of course he BU, you should both get a lie in one morning at the weekend, surely

[quote Roseglasses]@Tappering

Let me guess, he comes in at night and has to unwind from work so cannot possibly take the baby.

Yep

And I've also heard how he has no time to himself recently too... [/quote]
And what about your time for yourself? You have even less because you're bf

The lie-in's, he'll sabotage them every time - 'she wouldn't settle' 'she wants you' or he'll disturb you with inane questions or pretend he can't find X, Y or Z. The only way you'll get one is if you leave him with her.

Sadly I think you're probably on an uphill and ultimately futile battle here because he is showing you that he fundamentally doesn't want his child or family life. You'll have to thrust parenting on him and develop a thick hide to his feigned incompetence (leave and don't answer his calls or texts).

But do not compromise your earning. And all of it needs to be divided 50/50. He'll pull the 'I can't/meeting/can't get out' to eek out of his share. You'll have to be firm 'Best call someone then, I can't leave, either'.

And be really strict about enabling him because he's a sexist. I wouldn't have more kids with him personally.

OP you originally posted with a capital R so your messages with a small r aren't showing green so people might miss your replies.

Nah that's bullshit.

For context I'm also a first time dad, I work 12hr shifts then normally get 4 or 5 days off.
I'm in spare room when working but during those 4 or 5 days off she'll get a couple of nights in spare room and I'll do the nights.

It's tough, it's supposed to be.

He's slacking off.

A friend's partner use to try to sabotage. If she had something on in the evening, for example, he'd contact her at work and tell her he lost the list of babysitters, the babysitter cancelled. She'd just not respond to him at all.

@Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd

A friend's partner use to try to sabotage. If she had something on in the evening, for example, he'd contact her at work and tell her he lost the list of babysitters, the babysitter cancelled. She'd just not respond to him at all.

What kind of a selfish cunt does that? Ignoring is the only way to go though. It's down to blatant sexism though isn't it? That a lot (not all, my DH was never like that!) of men think it's not their job to look after their own children, they have a woman to do that

OP I built a career as a single parent with no support so every wake up/drop off/pick up etc was up to me as well as being solely financially responsible for everything.
Then when I had dd I went back to work when she was 12 weeks part time then full time from 9 months. I breastfeed (still do aged 1) and so did the night feeds but dp settles and does nappy changes as he bears half the responsibility for her care. We both work full time and we both contribute equally to the household and childcare because we are on the same team. By your husbands standards neither of us should be doing housework or childcare though so how will that work when you return to employment?

If DP even suggested sleeping elsewhere and having all lie ins I'd laugh at him assuming it was a joke. If he cared about his child so little that he hadn't missed her whilst being at work and didn't want to interact with her because he needed to relax from work I'd end it.

My ex was like this. I very quickly realised I was effectively a lone parent. It took me another 4 years to get rid.

If you can’t get this sorted now, then I’d just LTB as it won’t get any better, and the selfishness will be more and more apparent in all aspects of life.

Can you go back to work and sleep in the spare room and your DH take shared parental leave when the baby hits 6 months? You'll have to pump at work, but you can keep BFing morning and evening.

There's nothing like a few months at home with a 6 month old to highlight that it's not all coffee dates and dicking around on your phone. He can do all the first solids too! Oh he doesn't know what to do? Well neither do I, first baby innit, read up on it sweetheart, oh is that the time, must dash for the train and my looong commute...