Or is DH a little selfish...

[Roseglasses]

We have a 5 months old baby, first time parents.

DH is back in the office full time, and since our baby isn't sleeping very well on a night, DH has decided to sleep in the spare room Sun - Thu so his sleep isn't disturbed.

Ive felt like this is fair as I breastfeed so there's not really much he can help with overnight.

However he's now decided that on a weekend, he requires a sleep in as he's exhausted after working all week.
He's been doing this for a few weeks now.

Yesterday DC woke at 6am and I got up whilst DH slept until 11.!!!!

Today I was up at 5am and he's still in bed.

I've confronted him about this and his response was that he's working full time, he has a long commute (45 each way) and he needs the rest.

My argument is im awake several times a night with the baby, I'm not getting anymore than 3 unbroken hours at a time.

DH is in the spare room, he usually goes to bed at 10/11pm and he's up at 6.30am so he's getting a good 7/8 hours unbroken sleep 5 nights a week.

I'd love to have a sleep in on a weekend whilst he gets up with DD for a few hours.

I absolutely don't mind the unbroken sleep during the week and I definitely don't begrudge him being in the spare room, but am I being unreasonable to think him sleeping in on a weekend is taking the piss?

What a selfish c*nt he is. Working is easier in so many ways than being with a baby without enough rest. He is seeing what he can get away with here. My husband did this, I was so let down by him and disappointed that he had played the patriarchy and the fact that I was breastfeeding to shirk. It damaged our marriage.

Did you discuss how you’d both work together and be parents before you got pregnant?

Yep, selfish

If he refuses to let you have a lay in, when he gets up, hand over baby and go and get yourself a nice long nap.

Not a little bit selfish, he's being massively selfish.

So selfish. Hope you've woken him up, left him the baby and gone back to bed.

We've always split the weekend lie ins - we're allowed until about 9.30 unless you're hungover in which case you can have till 10.

@BewilderedDoughnut

Did you discuss how you’d both work together and be parents before you got pregnant?

@BewilderedDoughnut

I reckon, like most people, they will have devised a spreadsheet which breaks down exactly what they will do as parents.
It's probably even colour coded and everything.

One lie in each would be standard for many people. Taking both is selfish.

One lie in each is fair at the weekend. You will still be getting up to feed, but when the baby washes for the day he can get up after you've fed and you go back to sleep.

Also I cannot stress this enough - nap when your baby naps in the day. You will not be able to do this when you have more children and you'll regret it!

YANBU he’s a selfish arsehole.

Does he think you spend your days lying around drinking coffee, reading books and watching TV? (To be fair in first few weeks I remember doing a lot of that with DC permanently BF while I did!). He has to understand that you are working when he is at work. So absolute minimum is that you get one lie-in each weekend (although I suspect you’ll not really be due to BF but at least letting him do the rest for a few hours). I remember how much difference it made to just get one decent prolonged period of sleep occasionally (ie 4/5 hours rather than max of two).

Very selfish.
I also think it's a little selfish of him to sleep in the spare room all week too.... broken sleep is part of having a baby so unless he's a surgeon or has a job where being a bit tired is dangerous he could still contribute more in the week - changing nappies, bringing the baby to you etc. You're caring for a little baby so need rest too.
My dh only slept in the spare room if he had a really, really big day at work and needed to be on top form.

What will happen when you go back to work? My DS didn't sleep through until he was 2. It's not sustainable for one parent to bear the brunt of all of the sleepless nights.

Yes very selfish. I have a similar age baby who naps unpredictably and usually on me or in the carrier so not much potential for day time sleep. We have a similar agreement re. Spare room because DH is working. However the payoff for his 8 hours sleep every night while I’m up breastfeeding is that he comes and takes the baby in the morning and I go back to sleep for an hour or two. He does this every morning including the weekend on the basis that I don’t get any nights off. Not a stealth boast, I realise I am lucky, but just to show that it can be done!

You both deserve a lie in, have one each and remember it’s not a competition over who’s the most tired.

When he wakes at 11 and comes downstairs what you do is hand the baby to him and walk away saying "I've been up 5 hours with DD while you slept, I'm off for my 5 hours now her milk is in the fridge if she gets hungry. DO NOT INTERRUPT ME for ANYTHING, if there's a fire I'll hear the alarm the list of chores we both need to work through by Monday is on the fridge do some of it."
Then you both get a turn and share the chores too.

Also I cannot stress this enough - nap when your baby naps in the day. You will not be able to do this when you have more children and you'll regret it

Urgh it grates on me when people say this.

My son is a contact napper and doesn't like to be put down for his daytime naps, I can hardly sleep when he does!!

By the sounds of it OP probably has her hands full with a less than supportive partner, my bet is that she's spending her day times keeping up on the house work too.

Yes 100% selfish. I also do all night wakes due to breastfeeding and so my DH takes the baby for an hour or two every morning - from when she wakes properly until he needs to leave for work. I also usually get both lie ins at the weekend. If he’s had a tough week we have one each. I don’t get how your husband can simultaneously say that he couldn’t do his job with nighwakes and that your sleepless nights are less tiring than his job so he needs the weekend lie ins too. He’s an arse.

Every parenting couple I know does one morning each on the weekend. It's totally standard. Please stand up for yourself at this early stage- not just on this but on all the other things too - dishwasher? Cooking? Otherwise you will find yourself with a burden for alot of years and being resentful is not good for a marriage.
I would also advise leaving him alone for extended periods with the baby as soon as breastfeeding allows. It wasn't until my DH did this that he really realised what hard work it is. Good luck.

Next Sunday, take the baby to him when she wakes up and go back to bed!

Yep, he’s being selfish. One lie in each on the weekend (and not him getting up with baby and getting fed up after 10 minutes and coming to wake you up!)

Yeh he’s being a dick. I actually don’t even agree with others saying you should both get 1 weekend lie in - later on when child is sleeping through the night, sure, but right now he’s getting plenty of sleep every night without a lie in, and you’re not getting enough sleep any night. He doesn’t need any extra sleep on top of what he’s getting to require a lie in, you do. He should be looking after baby both weekend mornings right now to give you a bit of catch up.

And his ‘45 minute commute’ doesn’t sound particularly arduous to me. My normal, non-covid commute takes over an hour and involves walking, a bus, a train, a tube and another walk both ways every day. It’s fine, I manage, and I don’t need 11am lie ins at the weekend. He’s taking the piss.

@Teacher12345

Next Sunday, take the baby to him when she wakes up and go back to bed!

Why wait. Do it right now!

YABU to call him 'a little selfish'

YANBU regarding the rest - he's being fucking lazy and he needs to be told

I'm laughing at 45 minutes being a long commute. He's pretty precious, isn't he?

Let me guess, he comes in at night and has to unwind from work so cannot possibly take the baby.

Ask him why he thinks it's acceptable to be a shit husband and father - because that's what he is.

Another vote for selfish dick here. And if you are doing all the house chores, which I suspect you are, stop it now. Look out for you and baby, he can get to fuck.

@Tappering

Let me guess, he comes in at night and has to unwind from work so cannot possibly take the baby.

Yep

And I've also heard how he has no time to himself recently too...