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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DH a little selfish...

166 replies

Roseglasses · 13/09/2020 09:06

We have a 5 months old baby, first time parents.

DH is back in the office full time, and since our baby isn't sleeping very well on a night, DH has decided to sleep in the spare room Sun - Thu so his sleep isn't disturbed.

Ive felt like this is fair as I breastfeed so there's not really much he can help with overnight.

However he's now decided that on a weekend, he requires a sleep in as he's exhausted after working all week.
He's been doing this for a few weeks now.

Yesterday DC woke at 6am and I got up whilst DH slept until 11.!!!!

Today I was up at 5am and he's still in bed.

I've confronted him about this and his response was that he's working full time, he has a long commute (45 each way) and he needs the rest.

My argument is im awake several times a night with the baby, I'm not getting anymore than 3 unbroken hours at a time.

DH is in the spare room, he usually goes to bed at 10/11pm and he's up at 6.30am so he's getting a good 7/8 hours unbroken sleep 5 nights a week.

I'd love to have a sleep in on a weekend whilst he gets up with DD for a few hours.

I absolutely don't mind the unbroken sleep during the week and I definitely don't begrudge him being in the spare room, but am I being unreasonable to think him sleeping in on a weekend is taking the piss?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 13/09/2020 11:09

OP,
So selfish.

But so telling.

This is EXACTLY who he really is.

How a man behaves when it comes to sleep, looking after his partner when a baby arrives, really tells you the character of the man.

This is the beginning of you really seeing who he is and how he will parent.

Make sure your contraception is sorted.
I hope you are returning to work.

Don't trust a man financially who would be so selfish with sleep.

No man who really loves his partner would behave like this.

As a father and husband he is a failure.

I feel very sorry for you if you continue to accept such selfishness.

Flowers
ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 13/09/2020 11:10

He's being a massive dick and he needs to give you one of those two mornings off at a minimum.

He should also be staying up until the baby goes to bed for the first time, later in the evening, and putting the baby to bed so you can get a head start on sleep.

CatSmith · 13/09/2020 11:11

No your Dh is not a little selfish?

He’s a big, fat, fucking selfish twat!

He works all week so needs to sleep all week, what the actual fuck does he think you do? You’re raising your child, running a house and no doubt doing 100% of the housework....

Give him the options, he gets up at least once a weekend with your baby, or you and the baby may as well walk!

What a massive Dick he is. Massive. So disrespectful, I’m furious on your behalf.

Awrite · 13/09/2020 11:11

What a horrible man. This man is meant to love you.

YANBU

Don't continue to be walked over.

LouiseNW · 13/09/2020 11:13

Working days he’s not BU. Weekends he absolutely is. You both get one longer sleep then. You work too.

Original poster
roseglasses · 13/09/2020 11:16

Has he got up yet?

He got up at 10.45 Angry

OP posts:
rowrowrowyaboat · 13/09/2020 11:22

Well hes showing you who he is and what he thinks of you. In his eyes he is more important, simple as that. You are the housemaid and solely responsible for the baby. He is the king of the castle. Men like this never change, id be looking at my options and leaving tbh, couldnt be with some one who didnt love me or care for me and my child.

HyacynthBucket · 13/09/2020 11:22

Why do women put with this sort of unbalanced crap in their lives?

PlateTectonics · 13/09/2020 11:22

You need to put your foot down now OP. As an absolute minimum he should be doing one morning each weekend while you have a lie in. And make sure he pulls his weight at weekends with caring for the baby during the day too.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 13/09/2020 11:23

He can't have it both ways. Either a baby is easy to look after in which case he's able to pitch in, or it's hard and tiring in which case you need a break.

Stop the wifework now. Stop the cooking and laundry and facilitating his life.

Ultimatum. He steps up or fucks off.

Unless he's working as a coal miner in the year 1885 there's no reason for a healthy adult to be too tired to look after their own baby.

Hamster1111 · 13/09/2020 11:31

45 minute commute - please! Someone give this this man a medal.

dottiedodah · 13/09/2020 11:37

He needs a jolly good slap!45 minutes each way is nowhere near a "long commute"FFS! He is being incredibly selfish and unkind .Agree totallyAboutTimeMum .FlyMyPrettyFly Its not the same at all to "nap" in the day .She needs a full nights rest. Maybe Thurs night to Sunday morning IMO at the very least! Her body needs time to recover from birth FFS!

LindaEllen · 13/09/2020 11:39

I can understand sleeping in a different room in the week if he has to work, particularly if you're BF anyway. Fair enough.

But the weekend thing is completely unfair. You're BF so you need to feed during the night, but there's no reason he couldn't get up with the baby - HIS baby! - for a few hours to let you rest.

Even if it was just either Saturday or Sunday, it'd help you refresh a little bit!

timeisnotaline · 13/09/2020 11:39

Personally I think you should start discussing the plan to split with him. It’s the only way to make him realise you’re serious, and if he can’t change it’s the only way to be happy.
My dh was a selfish asshole re helping at nights, baby didn’t sleep much but he gave me both weekend lie ins and certainly took baby when he walked in the door in the evening. He improved a bit with nights for dc2 but not enough. Lots of talks, boiling down to I will kick you awake every 20 minutes for a week then take you apart with a rusty spoon if you treat me this way with dc2. It’s a terrible way to treat someone you love. I don’t give a shit he’s workign, it’s a very moderate commute and much easier than being me at home with a baby.

ShakerCan · 13/09/2020 11:40

Wow sorry that you’ve had a baby with one of ‘those’ men @Roseglasses. They’re incredibly selfish, think parenting is babysitting and, sadly, they’re so badly done to they can’t possibly do anything to help out as they need their ‘down time’. My advice would be to express enough milk to allow you to go away for 2 or 3 nights and leave him to realise what being a parent is all about. Either way you nee to stop putting up with this shit.

Angelina82 · 13/09/2020 11:44

YABU to wonder if your DH is a little selfish. He’s not, he’s extremely selfish. Tell the lazy fucker to pick his day for a lie-in, Saturday or Sunday, and you will take the other. DON’T take no for an answer.

LeslieYep · 13/09/2020 11:46

My DH started getting extremely complacent with our DC's.
I said I would get more time to myself if we split up. We could split care 50/50.

That shit him up and he's been much more hands on since and I get more time/sleep/timewasting opportunities now!

Not saying threatening to split up is the answer for you, but my DH would never want to so it was just the angle needed. Sounds callous, perhaps. But it worked and I resent him less!

Anydreamwilldo12 · 13/09/2020 12:06

Jesus christ he's a selfish twat. What about your lie ins and me time. You need to get tough OP.

billy1966 · 13/09/2020 13:30

@LeslieYep

My DH started getting extremely complacent with our DC's. I said I would get more time to myself if we split up. We could split care 50/50.

That shit him up and he's been much more hands on since and I get more time/sleep/timewasting opportunities now!

Not saying threatening to split up is the answer for you, but my DH would never want to so it was just the angle needed. Sounds callous, perhaps. But it worked and I resent him less!

I think suggesting to split up is very reasonable. Good for you that he believed you and took action.👍

If someone doesn't want to parent with you, why would a woman stay with them?🤷‍♀️

This isn't the 70's where women just stuck it out and sucked it up.....

What I genuinely do not understand is how you have a useless partner,...... and women just carry on having multiple children with waster men...inexplicable 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Really selfish men don't change, they get worse.

ElanaD · 13/09/2020 13:33

Totally selfish!! You need to nip this in the bud now before more children come along..

ER4321 · 13/09/2020 14:03

Yanbu and I would be annoyed about his selfishness alone.

But I'd also be very upset and cross that he doesnt seem to want to spend time with his child after being away from the house most of the week!

Stompythedinosaur · 13/09/2020 14:06

That is proper arsehole behaviour.

He should be sharing night waking and the lie ins.

welshladywhois40 · 13/09/2020 14:19

No, no! With our first my partner worked full time and commutes into London. We had terrible sleep regression for two months 4-5 months and my partner would often get up at 6 to give me an extra hour and then get ready for work at 7 and at the weekend but give me a night off to sleep.

He needs to think about how we gives you some sleep time back

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 13/09/2020 14:30

Selfish. My dh worked full time, home at 6pm, bathed baby and got up in the night to bottle feed when I was to tired to breast feed. I went gym 3 evenings a week too. Pump your milk and leave him with his child at the weekend

LouiseTrees · 13/09/2020 14:36

@Roseglasses

We have a 5 months old baby, first time parents.

DH is back in the office full time, and since our baby isn't sleeping very well on a night, DH has decided to sleep in the spare room Sun - Thu so his sleep isn't disturbed.

Ive felt like this is fair as I breastfeed so there's not really much he can help with overnight.

However he's now decided that on a weekend, he requires a sleep in as he's exhausted after working all week.
He's been doing this for a few weeks now.

Yesterday DC woke at 6am and I got up whilst DH slept until 11.!!!!

Today I was up at 5am and he's still in bed.

I've confronted him about this and his response was that he's working full time, he has a long commute (45 each way) and he needs the rest.

My argument is im awake several times a night with the baby, I'm not getting anymore than 3 unbroken hours at a time.

DH is in the spare room, he usually goes to bed at 10/11pm and he's up at 6.30am so he's getting a good 7/8 hours unbroken sleep 5 nights a week.

I'd love to have a sleep in on a weekend whilst he gets up with DD for a few hours.

I absolutely don't mind the unbroken sleep during the week and I definitely don't begrudge him being in the spare room, but am I being unreasonable to think him sleeping in on a weekend is taking the piss?

He’s a twat. My husband had the same commute etc. He would sleep in our room, get up and change a nappy and get us settled and go back to bed. We both get up at the same time at the weekend. I never had to do this but next time you are not holding the baby and he is up fake a faint and stay down. When he comes over (hopefully) tell him you are full on exhausted and worried something like that will happen at night. Does he do anything to help with the baby?
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