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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DH a little selfish...

166 replies

Roseglasses · 13/09/2020 09:06

We have a 5 months old baby, first time parents.

DH is back in the office full time, and since our baby isn't sleeping very well on a night, DH has decided to sleep in the spare room Sun - Thu so his sleep isn't disturbed.

Ive felt like this is fair as I breastfeed so there's not really much he can help with overnight.

However he's now decided that on a weekend, he requires a sleep in as he's exhausted after working all week.
He's been doing this for a few weeks now.

Yesterday DC woke at 6am and I got up whilst DH slept until 11.!!!!

Today I was up at 5am and he's still in bed.

I've confronted him about this and his response was that he's working full time, he has a long commute (45 each way) and he needs the rest.

My argument is im awake several times a night with the baby, I'm not getting anymore than 3 unbroken hours at a time.

DH is in the spare room, he usually goes to bed at 10/11pm and he's up at 6.30am so he's getting a good 7/8 hours unbroken sleep 5 nights a week.

I'd love to have a sleep in on a weekend whilst he gets up with DD for a few hours.

I absolutely don't mind the unbroken sleep during the week and I definitely don't begrudge him being in the spare room, but am I being unreasonable to think him sleeping in on a weekend is taking the piss?

OP posts:
mogloveseggs · 13/09/2020 10:09

Op that's awful. Really awful for you.
I don't know how you tackle this, but I suspect he won't change.
Flowers

DressesWithPocketsRockMyWorld · 13/09/2020 10:11

Selfish prick!

escocesita · 13/09/2020 10:13

This is so unfair. My husband and I take turns about at getting up first thing in the morning with our son. We want each other to get some sleep!

In the night he does any nappies and I do the feeds. It doesn’t really make sense that he gets up too I suppose but I really feel like we’re in it together. I think part of it is moral support 😅

I’m sorry you are not getting the support you deserve!

Butchyrestingface · 13/09/2020 10:13

However he's now decided that on a weekend, he requires a sleep in as he's exhausted after working all week.

Fuck him.*

*Not literally, of course. Do not be having any more kids with this selfish jobby until his changes his ways.

Therealjudgejudy · 13/09/2020 10:14

Stop with the sad face nonsense. Tell your selfish prick of a husband to grow up and start parenting the baby he helped to create.

If you dont start standing up for yourself he will take weekends off for his selfish me time and check out of being a parent all together. Threads like this make me totally baffled at how women let themselves be treated like dirt by their so called partners.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 13/09/2020 10:15

Yes, he's selfish. Try one of the solutions PPs have offered. I can't do lie ins however tired I am - my body clock wakes me up at 5 30 am and I can't get back to sleep. My exh was a selfish dick like yours, I felt chronically sleep deprived when my children were little, as he wouldn't even settle them to sleep to give me a.chance to sleep from 9 pm and get a few more hours of sleep.

And he's being incredibly precious about his 45 minute commute - mine is longer, 45 minutes is short.

Honestly OP he needs to realise what being a parent actually involves and take some of the strain from you.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 13/09/2020 10:17

[quote Roseglasses]@Tappering

Let me guess, he comes in at night and has to unwind from work so cannot possibly take the baby.

Yep Sad

And I've also heard how he has no time to himself recently too... [/quote]
He sounds like a bit of an arsehole tbh, and you need to change things because living like this is only gong to lead to resentment building up.

When the DC were small DH worked longer hours and away from home frequently. We just did whatever we could - there were times I'd hand a small child to him as he walked through the door and wail "I'm so tiiiiired" like a toddler and there were times I'd get up more because I'd be conscious that DH had a 15 hour day the day before. If he's not willing to chip in 50/50 then he either needs to change or leave; you don't get to opt-out of parenting at any point, and you shouldn't be doing 24/7 care with no support from the other parent.

JulesCobb · 13/09/2020 10:18

He is a wanker and 45 mins is not a long commute!!!! Ffs. Lazy wanker.

  1. Come down hard on this now op or he wont learn what parenting actually is.
  2. Do not sacrifice your career and your pension for a selfish man. Everything shared.

You tell him firmly, you are both now parents and he has to get used to that. He needs to share the parenting, or he can fuck off.

What is his contribution to household
Tasks?

madcatladyforever · 13/09/2020 10:19

You are bloody joking I hope!
I'm disabled and suffer from constant chronic pain and work full time in the NHS for long hours yet at the weekend I get up at 5am to drive 3 hours to my parents house to do their washing and cleaning and make sure they are ok because they don't have anyone else.
Your "husband" is a selfish lazy prick and it's time for you to make a stand.
How old is he? I'm 60 and I can do it so if he is a young man and healthy why is he still in bed at 11 am?

madcatladyforever · 13/09/2020 10:20

And as for commute, my commute is regularly 1 hour plus.

JulesCobb · 13/09/2020 10:20

If he is a young man and healthy why is he still in bed at 11 am?
Im going to assume he needs ‘me time’ and ‘unwinding time’ gaming or watching films until the early house.

Hercwasonaroll · 13/09/2020 10:26

He's a lazy fucker!

Show him this thread.

Mellonsprite · 13/09/2020 10:34

45 mins is a fairly standard, indeed some would think quite short, time to get to work. Fairness would mean you get one morning lie in at weekend too.
I’m afraid he’s taking the piss and opting out of the difficult aspects of parenting little ones.

Cheerybigbottom · 13/09/2020 10:34

This happened to me. I was a single parent and didn't even know it.

Don't let it go on, you will hate him. Especially when family and friends visit and he's dad of the year holding the baby.

Tappering · 13/09/2020 10:37

As I suspected then. He's a pretty shitty husband and father, isn't he?

Doesn't care enough that you're on your knees with exhaustion. Not interested enough in the baby to actually step up and be a responsible parent.

I'd give him one conversation; which is that he needs to stop taking the piss and start pulling his weight with parenting. If he doesn't then he needs to pack a bag and fuck off because you'll be filing for divorce.

Yes it leaves you with the baby, but I bet you'd be ten times happier because it would only be you and her to worry about, rather than having to tip-toe round Lord Precious and his need for 'me time'.

honeygirlz · 13/09/2020 10:37

He sounds insufferable.

Geppili · 13/09/2020 10:42

Has he got up yet?

NoSquirrels · 13/09/2020 10:42

I’m afraid it’s a depressingly familiar tune.

I’d agree to him getting one line-in at the weekend IF:

  1. He does an expressed/bottle feed every night at 10-11ish, so you can go to bed early and get an unbroken chunk of sleep.

  2. He lets you go back to bed/have a long undisturbed nap the weekend day you do t get the lie-in.

  3. He never ever mentions being tired/shattered/exhausted from his adults-only working life and commute time where he can think his own thoughts.

honeygirlz · 13/09/2020 10:44

Op doesn’t get any lie-ins, she should get both lie ins on weekends especially as he’s sleeping in until 11.

wineandroses1 · 13/09/2020 10:50

He has checked out of family life Op. I’d ask him to leave. What use is he? Who wants such a selfish lazy twat? At least if he’s out of the house he may have your child some days / nights (though given his current behaviour he may not bother). I’d start looking at finances etc and then have the talk.

One other thought - his future relationship with his child will depend to a large extent on how much he is involved in their day to day life. Doesn’t look like he’s that interested in developing a relationship though.

CFerdotcom · 13/09/2020 10:50

Well, he's a delight, isn't he? Selfish arsehole. 'Me time'? On top of a full nights night's sleep 7 days a week, while the mother of his baby gets no sleep or 'me time'. Double up your contraception, OP.

Mamabem · 13/09/2020 11:01

YADNBU. We had one weekend morning each when DC were little (now they get up and play and make their own breakfast while we both lounge around for a bit). He is being a COMPLETE dickhead not to give you at least one lie in (if not two, tbh) and a bit of time to yourself one afternoon to sleep, read, bubble bath, pop out, do recovery yoga or whatever without interruption (NOT housework/chores). It is REALLY fucking hard to be constantly physically needed, all while mentally and physically re-adjusting to motherhood. He needs a boot up the behind!!

It IS hard and exhausting when baby arrives and you don't get your old luxuries of, y'know, being well-rested! EITHER OF YOU. He cant expect this to only impact you.

bimblingonagain · 13/09/2020 11:01

weekends my DH took the baby in the morning so I coudl have my only bit of decent sleep for the week (when BF every 2 hours) as only when DH with baby could I relax enough to sleep deeply - slept lightly the rest of the time listening out for baby

RednaxelasLunch · 13/09/2020 11:04

What a twat. Makes a child and expects his life to carry on as if the child didn't exist. Stop being nice to him. Stop managing his feelings.

doodleygirl · 13/09/2020 11:08

I have no words to express what a selfish wanker your husband is. Time to get angry.

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