To be irked with these parents and also DC re party?

[SNAFUandFUBARsimultaneously]

AIBU to be a little irked by these parents (and obviously the DC too)

Friendship group of teenage DC, around 16-17yrs old, so obviously older teens but still at school/college and living at home. We are in a local lockdown area with high CV growth rate, so no socialising in homes allowed. Of course one of these DC is throwing a party tomorrow

I totally understand the logic of DC thinking they can see each other at school/college anyway so why can't they meet up (although some are in different classes/years so don't actually see each other). I agree some of the rules are contradictory and complete bollocks quite frankly. I also understand the mindset of teenage DC assuming BadThingsWillNeverHappenToMe as they do at their age (and I did myself). I also sympathise that their lives, especially social lives this year have been shit. I get all that, I really do.

But we are where we are and going to a party means not only does my DC go and mingle with others, they also have to take a train and a bus to get there and the same back. There is also a confirmed CV case at a church literally at the end of the road of party house.

Of course all the other parents are fine with it and everyone else is going and while I totally understand the DC wanting to party, it really really fucks me off that the hosting parents are allowing their DC to throw parties (and yes, they're there and not away and they do know about it) and putting others in this position.

I have just said to my DC that at their age I can't stop them going, but they have to weigh it all up and make an informed decision. I have said I don't want them to go and I'm not trying to emotionally blackmail them, just explain my position and leave it up to them. I have said if they decide not to go, to say they have weighed it up and decided against it, not to say "my mum won't let me" (which would be a total own goal!) I also hope they might set a good example for DC/parents who are also uncomfortable but don't want to be the awkward one.

At their age parents don't know each other or communicate, it's all between the DC but still, obviously the party parents have to be OK with this - I feel they are BU for allowing this situation to exist. AIBU?

(To avoid drip feeding I am on the shielding list but don't want that to factor in the decision as I'm trying to frame it as just "doing the right thing in general" not "having a shit life because your mum is ill". IYSWIM, it's a bit hard to explain)

Also to avoid further drip feeding, a couple of the DC have said to DD they know I'm CEV and to protect me they haven't been out this week so they have caught anything. Which is quite sweet and kind and well meaning but not that logical as they live in households who are going out to school/college/work etc. Still, it's well meaning and actually makes me feel horrible and mean and guilty puts DD in a more awkward position to say "I'm not coming now"...

Quite honestly I would be saying to my DC that if they go they need to find somewhere to quarantine for 2 weeks afterwards. Otherwise they stay home as they ought to. No vacillating or discussion. Those are the options.

You don't ask your dc to decide.
You tell them what is happening. In this case no party.

You can and should tell dc not to go because they live with you and you are shielding. And also if they want to say "mum won't let me" as it is easier/more socially acceptable to them then why would you stop them?

I have my doubts about “all the other parents are fine with it and everyone’s going.” Tbh.

They shouldn’t be going to a party even if you weren’t shielding.

You've basically just shrugged and said it's up to them whether they go or not? And you're pissed off with the host parents for essentially doing the same thing?

I would tell your DD she CAN use the excuse 'my mum won't let me'. I've often told my own DC they can feel free to use that line to get out of an awkward situation and retain 'face '. I don't mind being painted as the bad guy, it's nothing to me.

I probably would let them go on grounds of, they are already in contact with these people at college. Can you give them a lift so they avoid the public transport contact?

My mum always told me to say ‘my mum won’t let me’ even if it was something I just didn’t want to do as it stopped me looking like a drip who just didn’t want to try ‘fun’ stuff! And at that age I think it is ok to still veto certain things.

Obviously DC can say my mum won't let me but these aren't 12 year olds - they are 16 and older! Of course I can lock the front door and hide the key but I don't really see that as a parenting win. I would rather try and guide/teach them to handle situations like this and then have the courage of their convictions rather than say "my mum won't let me".

I'm just a bit fucked off that adults are causing this whole situation needlessly.

It's not illegal yet. I'm going to similar this evening.

It is annoying that the parents are going ahead. But I guess they are feeling the same pressure as you, maybe they even had a similar conversation about risk.

The thing is, if your DC bring it back to their vulnerable mum they will have to live with that for the rest of their lives. Sorry to sound dramatic but I think this is a serious illness that deserves to be treated as such.

Whereas they wont regret missing a party for the rest of their lives.

I think you need to ask them not to go.

@roarfeckingroarr

It's not illegal yet. I'm going to similar this evening.

Do you live in a local lockdown area?

@ApolloandDaphne

Quite honestly I would be saying to my DC that if they go they need to find somewhere to quarantine for 2 weeks afterwards. Otherwise they stay home as they ought to. No vacillating or discussion. Those are the options.

This is what I would say too, they shouldn't be going, it shouldn't be happening.

@SNAFUandFUBARsimultaneously oh sorry, missed that bit 😬. Nope.

Well okay, maybe I should have just said "you're not going and it's because I'm
Shielding" and if the MN majority say that I'm clearly handling it wrongly.

To clarify, I haven't just shrugged "I don't want you go, up to you" I've explained my reasoning eg increase in cases, local cases, risk of public transport as well as being against regulations!

FWIW I don't think DD is going to go so hopefully this strategy has worked, but I'm annoyed to spend my weekend giving DD a teachable moment instead of watching Labyrinth and eating ice cream

Also just to answer the question, I can't drive her, even if I wanted to. Also that also annoys me a little bit, I think the other parents are driving their DC and don't even consider some may have to use public transport (I live in that kind of area but I'm not allowed to drive for medical reasons)

my children are younger so I can't offer advice but YANBU and if I had anything to do with it mine definitely would not be going.
I'd be surprised if all the other parents were fine with it but I remember using this exact line when I was a teenager!
I'd say you need to chat to your daughter about both the LAW and social responsibility. Chances are she wouldn't catch the virus but going along to stuff like this when it isn't allowed is just not ok. But it is rubbish and you sympathise.

Not responsible of parents yes but you weigh up with these poor teen’s mental health.

I would be inclined to let my teens mingle etc and yes break the rules.

So after you said up to your DD, what decision has she made?

So some parents have opened up their homes for a party

Others are driving their kids there.

These children have obviously made an active decision to prioritise their child’s mental health.

And I get that. I will do the same.

I'd say stop being annoyed at everyone else's parents for "putting you in a position".

It would be really irresponsible for your child to go to this party, and I genuinely think at 16/17 it's your place to say no. Tell them to tell their friends that you've said no, it makes it easier on the child. Alternatively, let them go and find somewhere else to self isolate for 2 weeks, their irresponsible decisions shouldn't get to impact your health should the worst happen.

My DDs say they are glad now that they were not allowed to do the more extreme things their friends did like underage drinking in the park, mixed sleepovers etc.. It showed I cared. At the time I remember a teacher friend said she saw on her DDs social media that my DD had written "My stupid mother won't let me" which she thought was quite amusing as it was basically "I'm not that fussed" in teenager.

It sounds as if you are building this up to more than it actually means to your DD. She will be fine. Sadly the last 8 months have been a teachable moment for our children. We actually lived in Asia through the SARs epidemic, and my DDs look back on that as a very formative experience both in terms of resilience and understanding there is no such thing as justified complacency or entitlement to a "normal life" and getting a greater understanding of human nature. It has certainly helped them cope this time around especially as one has been on the frontline throughout. If you have to have teachable moments it isn't a bad lesson to learn.....

@Decentsalnotime

So some parents have opened up their homes for a party

Others are driving their kids there.

These children have obviously made an active decision to prioritise their child’s mental health.

And I get that. I will do the same.

You are so wrong here. You would just be teaching your children that it is okay to flout rules and regulations whilst also putting other people's health at risk. It is people like you who don't think the rules apply to them, who are spreading Covid.

not to say "my mum won't let me" (which would be a total own goal!)

I think that's madness. Teenage life is difficult. Peer pressure is massive. Telling a teenager to say to their friends "I think you're all being seriously irresponsible and since I'm smarter/better than you I'm not coming". That's potentially social suicide.

Mine have always been told that they can use their dragon mother saying no to get out of any difficult situation they need to use it in.

If you are in local lockdown it is illegal surely?

I would veto it under those circumstances, even for a 16 year old.

However, if it isn't illegal I would allow my 16 year olds to have/go to a party but on the understanding that each attendee makes their own informed choices which are respected by everyone else.

In the case of your DD, given your issues, I would hope she would choose wisely, even though it is a horrible thing to have to do. If she chooses to go, could she go and stay with a friend for a few days afterwards?