To be irked with these parents and also DC re party?

[SNAFUandFUBARsimultaneously]

AIBU to be a little irked by these parents (and obviously the DC too)

Friendship group of teenage DC, around 16-17yrs old, so obviously older teens but still at school/college and living at home. We are in a local lockdown area with high CV growth rate, so no socialising in homes allowed. Of course one of these DC is throwing a party tomorrow

I totally understand the logic of DC thinking they can see each other at school/college anyway so why can't they meet up (although some are in different classes/years so don't actually see each other). I agree some of the rules are contradictory and complete bollocks quite frankly. I also understand the mindset of teenage DC assuming BadThingsWillNeverHappenToMe as they do at their age (and I did myself). I also sympathise that their lives, especially social lives this year have been shit. I get all that, I really do.

But we are where we are and going to a party means not only does my DC go and mingle with others, they also have to take a train and a bus to get there and the same back. There is also a confirmed CV case at a church literally at the end of the road of party house.

Of course all the other parents are fine with it and everyone else is going and while I totally understand the DC wanting to party, it really really fucks me off that the hosting parents are allowing their DC to throw parties (and yes, they're there and not away and they do know about it) and putting others in this position.

I have just said to my DC that at their age I can't stop them going, but they have to weigh it all up and make an informed decision. I have said I don't want them to go and I'm not trying to emotionally blackmail them, just explain my position and leave it up to them. I have said if they decide not to go, to say they have weighed it up and decided against it, not to say "my mum won't let me" (which would be a total own goal!) I also hope they might set a good example for DC/parents who are also uncomfortable but don't want to be the awkward one.

At their age parents don't know each other or communicate, it's all between the DC but still, obviously the party parents have to be OK with this - I feel they are BU for allowing this situation to exist. AIBU?

(To avoid drip feeding I am on the shielding list but don't want that to factor in the decision as I'm trying to frame it as just "doing the right thing in general" not "having a shit life because your mum is ill". IYSWIM, it's a bit hard to explain)

Yeah I would see this as an important opportunity to teach your kids about doing the right thing and also respecting the law/responsibility etc. Lay it on thick now.....unless they've gone already!

I would have thought at 16/17 living under your roof you do have a say in the overall well being for the family.

To be clear, I suggested DD tell her friends that not going was her decision not mine, because I thought she may prefer that as it made her look more mature than being grounded/told off by her mum! I have no problem at all her telling them it's my decision, I certainly don't give a fuck whether they judge me for it or not. I genuinely thought this was a good idea for her own self.

I realise now though (from this thread) that her saying it was my "fault" is actually perhaps better than her friends thinking she is passing judgment on them herself by not going. It's sort of a shame though that we are all in a situation where people think that it's risky/undesirable being seen to "own" doing what is actually the right thing to do.

And whilst I don't really care what the other DC/parents think of me, it's still not a nice feeling though to think they may just assume I've told DD she can't do what all her friends are doing just for my sake. Because that's not why I'm against it, it's against the law and it's risky for everyone - it's not about me!

where people think that it's risky/undesirable being seen to "own" doing what is actually the right thing to do.

It’s not about people as a whole though, it’s about teenagers. Kids are cruel to each other. Peer pressure is massive and being the first, or only, one to stand against the crowd is hellishly difficult. Especially when it comes to teenage girls

And ultimately in many ways it is about you. Those of us with shielding/extremely vulnerable family members do have to be more careful in every interaction than those who don’t. The conversation about wider society rights and wrongs doesn’t even come into it. That’s not fair or unfair, it’s just the way it is.

But then, standing against the crowd can be a moment a teenager gets to define her own identity which is what growing up is all about. It might be painful sometimes but it is also empowering .

'As I said, exactly how long do we expect young people to curtail their lives to save granny? One year, two years, five? Is it fair that a young person misses out on socialising, even finding a mate (they may be 25, not 15) when that granny didn’t miss out herself.'

How do you know that Granny didn't miss out herself? Granny was very likely out at work full time from the age of 15, or if lucky 16, with much less chance of getting to uni than nowadays. And if she did find a mate early, it probably meant 'settling down' to raise a family from what would now be considered a very early age, and not having much opportunity to go out socializing.

Young people's tendency to marry/ find a long-term partner later now than in the past preceded the pandemic by quite a long time. You can't blame Granny for that.

Good for your daughter, having the sense to avoid this party. She may have even given some others the courage to do the same. Hope she enjoys the ice cream. I love Ben & Jerrys!

"Mocktail": "They're not actually allowed, just not yet illegal."

Sorry which guidelines are you referring to?

Why are you not allowed friends in your garden atm?

Up until the new guidelines that gone into place on Monday 14th?

Well at the risk of fanning the flames of guidelines v law by reigniting the thread, I wanted to update. We woke up to lots of news of police busting parties including one very very locally to us and enforcing dispersal orders etc. DD will of course never admit that Mother Knows Best but clearly I do - tacitly we won't mention it this morning

Still feel sorry for her though, it's shit enough missing out on stuff at that age and worse when all your mates are doing it anyway.

*Sorry which guidelines are you referring to?

Why are you not allowed friends in your garden atm?

Up until the new guidelines that gone into place on Monday 14th?*

Under current guidelines you're only supposed to have gatherings of two households, or 6 people from up to 6 households.

(So I guess garden parties are allowed, but only very little ones! )

But obviously not in local lockdown areas like where the OP lives.

You say you want them to have the courage of their convictions, but is it their convictions or yours?

Totally unreasonable to my mind to emotionally manipulate like this. Either it really is her decision and she can decide that she is very low additional risk and go, or it's your decision in which case you should've the courage of your convictions and just say no.

Don't play mind games.

Prioritise their mental health??? Utter bullshit. An excuse for piss poor parenting.

Apologies, I don’t know what CEV means?

Anyway, at 16 I disagree, you can still say no.

Our youngest son is 17. He’s asthmatic and his dad was shielding so from the outset he completely understood the risks and willingly restricts his activities to strict necessity. He’s returned to College, 3 days in 2 days at home, but that’s it. He’s bright enough to understand that this won’t last forever and in the grand scheme 6 more months of not partying will be neither here nor there. He’d rather have his dad around in future and not end up on ICU himself.

@LouiseNW ECV means extremely clinically vulnerable/on the shielding list.

@LouiseNW sorry autocorrect I meant CEV

@Thenneverendingstorohree

You say you want them to have the courage of their convictions, but is it their convictions or yours?

Totally unreasonable to my mind to emotionally manipulate like this. Either it really is her decision and she can decide that she is very low additional risk and go, or it's your decision in which case you should've the courage of your convictions and just say no.

Don't play mind games.

Agree with this

Well clearly people can't RTFT but even my first post clearly says (after I went on at length about the actual reasons I was against going - ie local lockdown not me )

"To avoid drip feeding I am on the shielding list but don't want that to factor in the decision as I'm trying to frame it as just "doing the right thing in general" not "having a shit life because your mum is ill". IYSWIM, it's a bit hard to explain)"

Anyway to save you the trouble of actually reading, DD DID NOT GO. Also for the lazy people WE ARE IN A LOCAL LOCKDOWN AREA WITH V HIGH RATES Sadly this is also an area where unfortunately this weekend people partied like it was 1999 despite lockdown and there were lots of police visits/fines/dispersal orders etc etc.

So DD made her own choice, and recognises it was the right choice. She is happy. I am happy. We even had ice cream. I am pleased with her that she told me about it before she went and didn't lie like some other DC mentioned. I am also pleased she came to the right decision after weighing it up.

Yes, I could have either emotionally blackmailed her with the shielding, or just locked the front door and hidden the keys, but DD is a young woman who will be old enough to vote and have her own home next year. I would like to equip her with the ability to make difficult decisions and in hindsight we both learnt some good lessons.

AldiAisleofCrap

Thank you. My husband had been shielding - looks like he will be again soon, de facto so will we all really, to protect him - but I’d not actually heard that term. 😊

Its interesting now many people disapprove of you teaching your young person how to make a selfless, difficult decision. Learning that you can't always do what you want to do and sometimes you have to miss out is an important lesson. You have handled that really well.

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Yes, I could have either emotionally blackmailed her with the shielding, or just locked the front door and hidden the keys, but DD is a young woman who will be old enough to vote and have her own home next year. I would like to equip her with the ability to make difficult decisions and in hindsight we both learnt some good lessons.

There’s a time for equipping children with the ability to make difficult decisions but it’s not now.

You’re in the shielding category in a lockdown area. Leaving the decision to teens in this situation is foolhardy. You were more concerned about not being cited as DD’s reason for not going, which is bizarre. Strange priorities.

@SNAFUandFUBARsimultaneously but DD is a young woman no , legally she is a child. If she had made the wrong decision it would have been your responsibility to overrule that.