To be irked with these parents and also DC re party?

[SNAFUandFUBARsimultaneously]

AIBU to be a little irked by these parents (and obviously the DC too)

Friendship group of teenage DC, around 16-17yrs old, so obviously older teens but still at school/college and living at home. We are in a local lockdown area with high CV growth rate, so no socialising in homes allowed. Of course one of these DC is throwing a party tomorrow

I totally understand the logic of DC thinking they can see each other at school/college anyway so why can't they meet up (although some are in different classes/years so don't actually see each other). I agree some of the rules are contradictory and complete bollocks quite frankly. I also understand the mindset of teenage DC assuming BadThingsWillNeverHappenToMe as they do at their age (and I did myself). I also sympathise that their lives, especially social lives this year have been shit. I get all that, I really do.

But we are where we are and going to a party means not only does my DC go and mingle with others, they also have to take a train and a bus to get there and the same back. There is also a confirmed CV case at a church literally at the end of the road of party house.

Of course all the other parents are fine with it and everyone else is going and while I totally understand the DC wanting to party, it really really fucks me off that the hosting parents are allowing their DC to throw parties (and yes, they're there and not away and they do know about it) and putting others in this position.

I have just said to my DC that at their age I can't stop them going, but they have to weigh it all up and make an informed decision. I have said I don't want them to go and I'm not trying to emotionally blackmail them, just explain my position and leave it up to them. I have said if they decide not to go, to say they have weighed it up and decided against it, not to say "my mum won't let me" (which would be a total own goal!) I also hope they might set a good example for DC/parents who are also uncomfortable but don't want to be the awkward one.

At their age parents don't know each other or communicate, it's all between the DC but still, obviously the party parents have to be OK with this - I feel they are BU for allowing this situation to exist. AIBU?

(To avoid drip feeding I am on the shielding list but don't want that to factor in the decision as I'm trying to frame it as just "doing the right thing in general" not "having a shit life because your mum is ill". IYSWIM, it's a bit hard to explain)

yes. i would always let my dc use me as an excuse. i think its sensible, especiall;y if they are anxious about pressure from their peers.

is it possible that all the other parents are cursing each other and wondering why no one is saying no. if you think its a bad idea don't you have to step up or otherwise you are potentially all handing this over to the kids who are also nervous about being the only one saying no.

fwiw , if i thought my dc shouldn't go they wouldn't. as much as i let them form their own choices and i try only to offer advice where necessary, my children do as i say if i think its important enough. its very rare but thats it. its never been a huge problem - its only ever around their wellbeing. i dont go withy the whole 'their teenagers - what can you do'

Cant they say that to the host that as their DM is vulnerable they unfortunately wont be able to come. They cant argue with that surely.

.

This

Prudentia, one thing to break the rules with everyone well aware of that, but allowing the kids to mislead their parents is another.

My DD invited two friends for a garden picnic on her birthday. Realising that there was a fair chance that we were going to have a heavy rain downpour, I emailed both mums to ask whether, if that happened, they were happy for the kids to come inside (2m distancing easily possible) rather than get drenched. It was technically not allowed, so I wasn't going to do it without agreement.
(In the end, one of the other mums suggested they picnicked in their barn.)

@GoldfishParade yes she can and will own her decisions most of the time but on the odd occasion she feels that it would be socially awkward, I'm happy to give her the means to make a sensible decision without worrying about repercussion.

For example, a boy she really liked, first experience, wasn't totally comfy with things, wanted chance to think/talk things through. I'd rather give her an excuse than have her feel pressured. A year further on, she has worked out her boundaries and doesn't need 'rescuing' from that situation now.

I don't buy the 'all the other parents are fine with it' line, it's as old as the hills and most likely not true.

OP, the fact that you have been shielding is relevant. College and education is important; a party isn't. Can't they just meet in the park outside?

I am not shielding and I wouldn't let my son go to a gathering of more than 6 inside because that has been the guidance all along. Yes he's nearly 18. But he's also under my roof, and when push comes to shove, I outrank him.

Oh I'm definitely well aware of and used to the but everyone's parents are letting them do It and the there won't be any alcohol - I have older DC than this DD!

But I'm not used to dealing with parties in the context of a pandemic, and I actually wanted to know if AIBU to judge the hosting parents, rather than was IBU in how I'm handling it. That sounds rude and ungrateful for everyone having taken the time to post doesn't it

Also, (while I'm defending my handling of it) I have used the "we can't eradicate the risk only minimise it"
And "needs not wants" eg college versus parties.

The last one has backfired though as I really want to get my eyebrows done which is definitely a want although looking at my face, it well might be a need

@RepeatSwan

However. They will see the same kids in school on Monday so if anyone gets it, they will pass it on, be it at the party or in school. It's a tough one.

Less likely to pass on in school, as other behaviours e.g. sharing plates, passing drinks, sitting close are restricted. Still could pass on at school, but might get a chance to avoid.

Em..where have you got the idea that sitting close is restricted in school? We don't allow sitting in each other's laps or snogging, but that's about it, There is no social distancing among children in the same class in a state school, because there is no room.

It is a shit situation.

Have some of you never been young? Can you imagine back in time wanting to go to a party etc when you were 17 and being told you couldn’t go for fear of catching something and giving it to your mum ? Much as I loved my mother, I would have been majorly cheesed off.

My dcs are not partying, but they are meeting up with friends and have gone back to school (I was shielded). This virus is not going away and we are in it for the long haul. I think anyone’s dcs who are prevented from socialising will become increasingly resentful, even if their parent is vulnerable.

I get OP in that you want a dc to make their own decision. Saying, “You’re not going,” as I said, is going to have to be said many, many times if there is no vaccination for several years, possibly ever.

@Prudentia

I am one of those awful parents who has hosted a teenage party since July (18 x 16-18 yr olds in our very small house, so no chance of social distancing).

There was a chance for social distancing though - by not having the party in the first place.

Oh yes @IrmaFayLear I also worry that if they did go and I still caught CV from one of my other DC - they may feel so guilty, it would be awful. I genuinely don't want them to be in that situation.

I also didn't strictly shield 100% as the guidelines recommend but they were guidelines and a different situation and I had lots of reasons for that. I also didn't want them to have the sole responsibility if I did catch it in the house, IYSWIM

SNAFU, Well done for getting DC to lie to their parents and put 15 families at risk so your DC could have a party though!

I have enough teenagers of my own! It's not my job to parent other people's teenagers, too. I do happen to know that there is nobody vulnerable in their immediate families - but if there were, that would be between the young people and their families and their consciences. It's not for me to say to my DC "Sam can't come because his dad is shielding".

Their other plan was for them to all go into town together (this was in early July, just after lockdown). I did say no to that.

But, OP, if your question is whether YABU to judge the party parents, then I would say it's perfectly reasonable for you to judge. I judge people all the time, but for different reasons!

You might get it, and only be a little ill, but what about your granny who you pass it to?

I keep seeing this as a guilt trip for young adults (so maybe older than the OP's kids) as if they are all hanging out with OAPs all the time, when in reality many of them live nowhere near their grandparents and probably don't see them for months at a time, so it is not even a concern.

[quote honeygirlz]@Prudentia

I am one of those awful parents who has hosted a teenage party since July (18 x 16-18 yr olds in our very small house, so no chance of social distancing).

There was a chance for social distancing though - by not having the party in the first place.[/quote]
True. But some of these people are 18 - i.e. adults - and could in fact have gone out in a crowded city at night, regardless of what I said. If I had vetoed a party at home, that is what they would have done. So would the younger ones, as they all have fake IDs (I wouldn't have let my younger one do this, btw - she and I have had several rows about this since lockdown ended).

A party is the lesser of the two evils. Not having another, though, because I hate them.

"I have enough teenagers of my own! It's not my job to parent other people's teenagers, too. I do happen to know that there is nobody vulnerable in their immediate families - but if there were, that would be between the young people and their families and their consciences. It's not for me to say to my DC "Sam can't come because his dad is shielding".

Nice try at trying to pass the buck, but you actively knew they were lying to their parents and putting people at risk, and didn't give a fuck. It's one thing to say "well Sam didn't tell me that he hadn't told you about the party and I didn't know you were shielding" and quite another to say "well I knew Sam had lied to you about the party but I didn't know you were shielding"

Your post was all giggly about hiding from windows - fucking own it instead of backtracking and now saying it's their own fault and nothing to do with you.

But thank you for giving me an insight into how hosting parents don't give a fuck about anyone else and just want to put themselves and their DC first at the expense of others, now you have answered my original question and confirmed to me that, yes, I can judge them as stupid selfish and irresponsible!

It's parents like @Prudentia who put the rest of us in these sh-tty situations.

OP, when I'm in these situations I'm afraid I'm the wretched parent who always phones the parents of the kid who is having the party - to talk it over. Always do this - my DC are used to it and just roll their eyes. I don't happen to agree with @Prudentia that "I have enough teenagers of my own! It's not my job to parent other people's teenagers, too". I'm of the 'it takes a village school of thought'.

Can I ask if you aren't following the shielding guidelines to the letter why you expect your DD to stick to the Covid guidelines?

Also if you are shielding surely thay also means you have no contact with your DD anyway?

I’d just tell them “no”. As I would any adult who wanted to live with me

I feel a bit funny about parents who assist teens to break laws/behaviour norms.

When I was at school there were a few parents who could be relied on to help get hold of cigarettes, alcohol and let underage people gather in their houses. Whilst we took advantage, it always had a strange feeling.

As I said, exactly how long do we expect young people to curtail their lives to save granny? One year, two years, five? Is it fair that a young person misses out on socialising, even finding a mate (they may be 25, not 15) when that granny didn’t miss out herself.

@SeasonFinale

Can I ask if you aren't following the shielding guidelines to the letter why you expect your DD to stick to the Covid guidelines?

Also if you are shielding surely thay also means you have no contact with your DD anyway?

You can ask but it's a bit of a separate thread. Also, they were guidelines for my own benefit, not the law for everyone's benefit. (I really don't want to have another thread about shielding though, I only mentioned it so I didn't drip feed it later). I also have contact with my DC and DH - we live together in a small house together and have no other options! I minimise risk but can't evade it.

My shielding is not a comparable situation to going to a party in an area under lockdown and high numbers of cases.

@IrmaFayLear

As I said, exactly how long do we expect young people to curtail their lives to save granny? One year, two years, five? Is it fair that a young person misses out on socialising, even finding a mate (they may be 25, not 15) when that granny didn’t miss out herself.

I think young people are members of society and society has to deal with this together.

I don't feel my children can't socialise, they just have to stand a bit further apart.

I have older ones, they are ok.

Having a party in your garden is allowed op, in most areas of uk, (not in your lockdown area obviously). Have been allowed for months and are allowed up until Monday 14th.

Ds1 (late teens) has been to a couple of house parties in the last few weeks, in the garden, outside, and I'm fine with that.

has that helped you decide then op?

if you're sure that hosting parents are selfish stupid and irresponsible then attending such a reckless event must be off limits?

i think thats wise as you are understandably anxious so you can impress upon your children that they must not go