To be irked with these parents and also DC re party?

[SNAFUandFUBARsimultaneously]

AIBU to be a little irked by these parents (and obviously the DC too)

Friendship group of teenage DC, around 16-17yrs old, so obviously older teens but still at school/college and living at home. We are in a local lockdown area with high CV growth rate, so no socialising in homes allowed. Of course one of these DC is throwing a party tomorrow

I totally understand the logic of DC thinking they can see each other at school/college anyway so why can't they meet up (although some are in different classes/years so don't actually see each other). I agree some of the rules are contradictory and complete bollocks quite frankly. I also understand the mindset of teenage DC assuming BadThingsWillNeverHappenToMe as they do at their age (and I did myself). I also sympathise that their lives, especially social lives this year have been shit. I get all that, I really do.

But we are where we are and going to a party means not only does my DC go and mingle with others, they also have to take a train and a bus to get there and the same back. There is also a confirmed CV case at a church literally at the end of the road of party house.

Of course all the other parents are fine with it and everyone else is going and while I totally understand the DC wanting to party, it really really fucks me off that the hosting parents are allowing their DC to throw parties (and yes, they're there and not away and they do know about it) and putting others in this position.

I have just said to my DC that at their age I can't stop them going, but they have to weigh it all up and make an informed decision. I have said I don't want them to go and I'm not trying to emotionally blackmail them, just explain my position and leave it up to them. I have said if they decide not to go, to say they have weighed it up and decided against it, not to say "my mum won't let me" (which would be a total own goal!) I also hope they might set a good example for DC/parents who are also uncomfortable but don't want to be the awkward one.

At their age parents don't know each other or communicate, it's all between the DC but still, obviously the party parents have to be OK with this - I feel they are BU for allowing this situation to exist. AIBU?

(To avoid drip feeding I am on the shielding list but don't want that to factor in the decision as I'm trying to frame it as just "doing the right thing in general" not "having a shit life because your mum is ill". IYSWIM, it's a bit hard to explain)

Disclaimer - I work in a school with bubbles of 300 in my year group

If you are in a local lockdown area then no, you shouldn't be allowing your dc to go: you are in lockdown because of the increased number of cases and associated risk of transmission.

That said, my own dc spent time with a few of their closest classmates over the summer, and in the week or so before lockdown was relaxed, as they were/are in the same bubble at school. A bubble of 300 sounds massive, but realistically they're sat next to the same kids in class and at break so at most I reckon each of my dc are

It’s your house.

You are shielding.

You are in a lockdown area.

You are all in the wrong to be allowing this. Stop pussyfooting around and tell DC they are not going.

@SNAFUandFUBARsimultaneously yep, I agree. Parents of the kids throwing the party should have sense and say No Way.

Also I really like your parenting. 16/17 is age where they are capable of making decisions and I'd definitely not impose. You did all you could, they should have sense, especially as you are shielding, and just stay home.

However. They will see the same kids in school on Monday so if anyone gets it, they will pass it on, be it at the party or in school. It's a tough one.

I would say no, she can't go - she's not 18 yet, and even if she was, she's still not living alone with no responsibilities towards the people she lives with. If you know it's the wrong thing to do, don't be afraid to impose that decision not to go on a teenager who is not yet an adult. If she'd had a glass of wine you wouldn't let her drive, you wouldn't just leave it up to her. I also agree that if she wants to blame her annoying mum, let her.

However. They will see the same kids in school on Monday so if anyone gets it, they will pass it on, be it at the party or in school. It's a tough one.

Less likely to pass on in school, as other behaviours e.g. sharing plates, passing drinks, sitting close are restricted. Still could pass on at school, but might get a chance to avoid.

I think you're handling this really well OP and I do agree with you that the parents of the party host are the ones behaving irresponsibly. They're the proper adults in the situation, and should be behaving like it.

It is shit. My ds is younger but I've told him that he can't have his (newly formed) band practice at our house until guidelines say we can. Yes, they've all been mixing at school. Yes, some of them get buses to school. But that's not the point.

Since you are ecv I would have hoped that your own children might be more understanding and not go?

I get your frustration. Its my DD's 16th birthday tomorrow and I had to put my foot down about a party despite the fact she has been sitting in classrooms with the proposed guests all week and I work at her school.

She is utterly disappointed and pissed off but them's the breaks.

I blame the government though, for not handling it all with more clarity. You can't deny that there is no way to explain the logic of not letting them throw/attend parties whilst they're in school mixing with 1000+ all week.

Only bit that is U is not being able to blame you. Social suicide as PP said and may tip the scales to going when she might not if you can be blamed.

DD knows she can blame me for anything, I'm not 'cool' and I don't pretend to be.

We have a code for being rescued too. If she texts me one thing, it means ring me with an excuse to come home and ignore me complaining about it, if she texts me something else it means get me the hell out of here, fast.

These children have obviously made an active decision to prioritise their child’s mental health.

So next time an illegal party, rave, gathering etctakes place you / your children go to, just say you were prioritising mrpental,health

Even Do ionic Cummings wasn’t that unreasonable

@roarfeckingroarr

It's not illegal yet. I'm going to similar this evening.

Assuming there’s fewer than 30 attendees from maximum 6 households and the party is outside. I’m betting that isn’t the case with a party of school kids.

The attendees are risking fines of £100 (they are well above the age of criminal responsibility) and the host (parents?) are liable to a fine of at least £1,000 if memory serves. Reckless and irresponsible especially in a local lockdown area.

@SNAFUandFUBARsimultaneously you child is not an adult so I am baffled as to why you are leaving the decision up to her. Also as a parent of a 16 year old I would be very hurt if she chose to go as you are shielding. My own daughter is going beyond the guidance eg wearing a mask outdoors in order to keep me as safe as possible.

These children have obviously made an active decision to prioritise their child’s mental health.

All of them? Bullshit. Throwing around the MH argument for a whole group of parents allowing children to ignore sd guidelines during a pandemic is damaging to those with real MH issues.

I am one of those awful parents who has hosted a teenage party since July (18 x 16-18 yr olds in our very small house, so no chance of social distancing).

OP, when you say I would rather try and guide/teach them to handle situations like this and then have the courage of their convictions rather than say "my mum won't let me", you're actually asking them to have the courage of your own convictions, not theirs.

It's a rubbish situation all round, though.

Like PP, I have always actively encouraged my DC to use 'my horrible mother' as an excuse not to do things they aren't happy with, or when they don't want to lose face socially, so I wouldn't have any qualms about that.

Teenagers are as slippery as anything, though. Of the 15 who came to my DS's party (three of the 18 were mine), 14 of them had told their parents it would be a small, socially distanced gathering in the garden. One sent an emergency group message when he was on his way, to tell everyone to make sure they were nowhere near the front window, as his mum would go ballistic if she knew it was a party.

I do think that whatever you do with teenagers has the potential to work out in a different way from the way you intended.

@AngelicInnocent
So your daughter never learns to own her decisions? Why cant she just say "I dont want to" or "I feel like going now' or whatever?
Sounds like a recipe for getting walked all over in later relationships.

Irresponsible of their parents to allow it but irresponsible of you to allow them to go.
If you are in a lockdown area it is illegal. I'm in Bolton, it's illegal to meet anyone outside of your household.
The argument that they see each other in school doesn't stand because they will also come into contact with other people using public transport. It also states that if you're in a lockdown are you can only use public transport to go to work /school /medical appointment or emergency, this is none of those.
I would say to my dc if you go you don't come back for 2 weeks and I'd report the party to the police. You are being part of the problem that will keep us in lockdown longer.

@chillied

I would tell your DD she CAN use the excuse 'my mum won't let me'. I've often told my own DC they can feel free to use that line to get out of an awkward situation and retain 'face '. I don't mind being painted as the bad guy, it's nothing to me.

I probably would let them go on grounds of, they are already in contact with these people at college. Can you give them a lift so they avoid the public transport contact?

Agree with the ‘you can use me as an excuse’ clause for teens.

Blimey. From some of the replies on here I can see why the figures are rising.

Look, I know it's annoying. But rules are rules. I know the 'new rules' don't start until next week but anyone with a modicum of intelligence would know that crowds are best avoided. I just don't understand how ridiculous people are sometimes. They think the rules don't apply to them.

You might get it, and only be a little ill, but what about your granny who you pass it to?

A party is more important than someone's life to some people when it comes down to it.

'But EVERYBODY ELSE'S PARENTS SAY THEY CAN!' - the classic teenage saying. And quite often they believe it's true. Doesn't mean that it is.

Just stand your ground. They can tell the others that their mean old mum put her foot down - better that than letting them make you and lots of other people really ill.

If they and their friends don't care about those whom they might make ill or worse, they might at least care about the possibility of a local (or national!) lockdown and far more restrictions on their freedom, if they help the spike to continue!

Absolutely agree that she can (and knows she can) say "my mum won't let me", I genuinely do not give a fuck about the other parents judging me as a fun sucker who doesn't prioritise my DD's mental health...I just thought it might make the other DC attending think she was being childish and mummy telling her off sort of thing. I thought if she said it was her decision (I realise the error in my thinking saying this out loud ) they may admire her sense of responsibility and maturity
Absolutely do take on board that might come across as being all morally superior and judgemental herself. Thank you for pointing that out

DD is not going and I am going to cook a nice tea. I would love to say she is being gracious and mature and not going out of a sense of responsibility towards me, and we are smiling at each other and all is well, but it would be a massive fib. Understandably there is sulking and being fed up, but I totally get this and have just bought her some ice cream.

Typing all this out has made me realise I really want her to realise that she is unable to go because the whole situation is just shit - that it's not a case of her being unable to go as her mum is ill. IYSWIM. I've tried to be really careful with that, I really really don't want to emotionally blackmail with her with it's my life at stake as that's not fair. And it's not even why I don't want her to go - I think she would be wrong to go even if I was in the whole of my health...

"I am one of those awful parents who has hosted a teenage party since July (18 x 16-18 yr olds in our very small house, so no chance of social distancing"

@Prudentia I assume you were happy that the other DC were lying to their parents so they didn't judge you as an irresponsible selfish fucker - perhaps you should have the courage of your convictions and make sure the parents knew what you were actually doing?

@SNAFUandFUBARsimultaneously

Obviously DC can say my mum won't let me but these aren't 12 year olds - they are 16 and older! Of course I can lock the front door and hide the key but I don't really see that as a parenting win. I would rather try and guide/teach them to handle situations like this and then have the courage of their convictions rather than say "my mum won't let me".

I'm just a bit fucked off that adults are causing this whole situation needlessly.

Cant they say that to the host that as their DM is vulnerable they unfortunately wont be able to come. They cant argue with that surely.

shes doing the right ting it still your deicsion thoughits your house after all

we're all going to be reduced to 6 from monday people having a blowout party are just selfish i wish johnson had jsut said straight away its from tonight

Why does "mental health" = house party? Meeting with one or two others in a garden can meet social needs. Surely more could be achieved by feeling one had made a contribution to society? So, for instance, sewing masks, volunteering at a soup kitchen or babysitting /coaching football for the frazzled neighbor who can't get any work done with their 6-year-old asking questions all day are things that would contribute to a sense of purpose and community. Getting shitfaced and snogging at a party are definitely a part of growing up, maybe an essential part, but hardly build your character or make you more resilient.

Also @Prudentia how did you know that no one in the families of these DC was extremely vulnerable when you were enabling their lying to their parents? Clearly you couldn't know this (if you knew them that well you would have checked with them directly.)

I would be furious if my DD lied to me and went to your party (and I'm actually glad she told me about this one) but I would also judge the fuck out of you if I found out you knew she was lying and said nothing, as well as having the fucking party in the first place.

Well done for getting DC to lie to their parents and put 15 families at risk so your DC could have a party though!