To be irked with these parents and also DC re party?

[SNAFUandFUBARsimultaneously]

AIBU to be a little irked by these parents (and obviously the DC too)

Friendship group of teenage DC, around 16-17yrs old, so obviously older teens but still at school/college and living at home. We are in a local lockdown area with high CV growth rate, so no socialising in homes allowed. Of course one of these DC is throwing a party tomorrow

I totally understand the logic of DC thinking they can see each other at school/college anyway so why can't they meet up (although some are in different classes/years so don't actually see each other). I agree some of the rules are contradictory and complete bollocks quite frankly. I also understand the mindset of teenage DC assuming BadThingsWillNeverHappenToMe as they do at their age (and I did myself). I also sympathise that their lives, especially social lives this year have been shit. I get all that, I really do.

But we are where we are and going to a party means not only does my DC go and mingle with others, they also have to take a train and a bus to get there and the same back. There is also a confirmed CV case at a church literally at the end of the road of party house.

Of course all the other parents are fine with it and everyone else is going and while I totally understand the DC wanting to party, it really really fucks me off that the hosting parents are allowing their DC to throw parties (and yes, they're there and not away and they do know about it) and putting others in this position.

I have just said to my DC that at their age I can't stop them going, but they have to weigh it all up and make an informed decision. I have said I don't want them to go and I'm not trying to emotionally blackmail them, just explain my position and leave it up to them. I have said if they decide not to go, to say they have weighed it up and decided against it, not to say "my mum won't let me" (which would be a total own goal!) I also hope they might set a good example for DC/parents who are also uncomfortable but don't want to be the awkward one.

At their age parents don't know each other or communicate, it's all between the DC but still, obviously the party parents have to be OK with this - I feel they are BU for allowing this situation to exist. AIBU?

(To avoid drip feeding I am on the shielding list but don't want that to factor in the decision as I'm trying to frame it as just "doing the right thing in general" not "having a shit life because your mum is ill". IYSWIM, it's a bit hard to explain)

Well pag I don't think all party parents are necessarily selfish stupid fuckers but I think party parents who are happy with DC attending whilst knowing their parents wouldn't want them to (and assuming like me, they may have very good reasons for that) are. I judge those party parents. Happy for them to judge me back though!

DD isn't going (her choice) I've ordered Ben and Jerry's

Pleased it is resolved

As I said, exactly how long do we expect young people to curtail their lives to save granny? One year, two years, five? Is it fair that a young person misses out on socialising, even finding a mate (they may be 25, not 15) when that granny didn’t miss out herself.

Oh FFS

1. granny probably lived through 6 years of a world war

2. they can socialise - just not go out in gangs of more than 6

@SNAFUandFUBARsimultaneously

Well pag I don't think all party parents are necessarily selfish stupid fuckers but I think party parents who are happy with DC attending whilst knowing their parents wouldn't want them to (and assuming like me, they may have very good reasons for that) are. I judge those party parents. Happy for them to judge me back though!

DD isn't going (her choice) I've ordered Ben and Jerry's

They very likely will judge you, for hating the idea of the party so much but not having the gumption to tell your child not to go. That's your problem, not the other parent's decision to allow the party.

Ben and Jerrys is wise.

the whole teenager thing is a nightmare. its understandable but still..
Early in lockdown i went for a walk and ended up sitting briefly near the river. a group of about 30 16-18 year old arrived.
this was during the period when we were only allowed out for exercise and shopping.

DD has seen a few close friends and had a small group of the kids she trains with for her birthday. its difficult . she really struggled at times and is considerably happier now training is back in full swing.

if things lockdown again its going to be even harder

@RepeatSwan

However. They will see the same kids in school on Monday so if anyone gets it, they will pass it on, be it at the party or in school. It's a tough one.

Less likely to pass on in school, as other behaviours e.g. sharing plates, passing drinks, sitting close are restricted. Still could pass on at school, but might get a chance to avoid.

This - and I heard someone in TV the other day who also have a great description when they said Something along the lines of

Kids this age and in this generation are very tactile. They are more likely to be closer and much more tactile at a party than at school as some tactile activities aren't appropriate at school!

Made me laugh but was very thought provoking - and true.

Sorry, struggling to get past

I have just said to my DC that at their age I can't stop them going

She's 16 (& living at home) of course she's not too old to be told 'No, you're not going'

It's good she's decided not to go, but I expect she felt it wasn't worth the guilt which I think is worse than being told no

Anyway B&J will help soothe the pain. Stay safe 🌷

Also. Is it me, or is Labyrinth actually quite when you watch it as an adult?! I remember a baby being stolen to live with goblins, I didn't remember David Bowie wanting to marry a 15 year old!!

Well done OP I think you handled it perfectly well and I don't know what else you could have done. Your DD has thought it over and is not going which is the outcome you wanted. She is old enough to have gone behind your back as she probably expected you to object and she chose not to. So well done on bringing up such a thoughtful youngster.

FWIW I don't see this as just pandemic related. In normal circumstances you may not have wanted her to go to the party because of other reasons - too far, too late, dodgy area etc.

For those encouraging DC to lie to their parents / break the rules. I often think this when I see people suggesting they lie about DC ages to get in somewhere. Teaching children to be dishonest raises dishonest teenagers and adults. They are learning that it's ok to lie if what you want is forbidden and lying gets you what you want.

Not to mention itsgettingweird that there's alcohol at parties, unlike at school, which throws their judgement down the toilet.

@Oblomov20

Having a party in your garden is allowed op, in most areas of uk, (not in your lockdown area obviously). Have been allowed for months and are allowed up until Monday 14th.

Ds1 (late teens) has been to a couple of house parties in the last few weeks, in the garden, outside, and I'm fine with that.

It was against the guidelines, just not against the law. They've had to make it against the law because of people not following the guidelines.

Which has had an impact on loads of people who were following the guidelines.

Selfish & stupid!

I'm baffled by the mental health card being thrown around everywhere.

The poster that had 18 for a party....

Honestly i think most people are just doing their best and the fact that weve had such confusing bolloxed up rules and guidance makes it worse.

where i work we are DAILY saying no to people who want to book events and parties. we had a group of doctors try to book the whole place for 35 of them for a party. i mean Doctors...

the idiots stand out but most people are trying to be sensible i think

I’m baffled by the mental health card being thrown around everywhere.

Me too. Since when has missing a party made people mentally ill?

I'm aware I could tell her not to go. I absolutely know that is an option, it's just not the way I wanted to handle it. I didn't ask IWBU in my parenting method (although it was actually useful to get feedback) I wanted to know
IBU judging the hosting parents.

Anyway in an attempt to stave off the "not RTFT but you are the parent just get her told not to go"

DD IS NOT GOING

(I fully expect all this to be held against me for future arguments but am prepared for it . I have ordered ice cream and might suggest a film. I also realised that DD was good to tell me in the first place and even more good to actually take the decision not to go herself. I know it's shit for her, especially when her friends are there and I feel quite a bit of guilt that she might not be going for my sake and might resent me for it. There's no good outcome really, just some worse than others and I'll take this one as a good one. Thanks to everyone.

@changerr

Not to mention itsgettingweird that there's alcohol at parties, unlike at school, which throws their judgement down the toilet.

I misread that at first as alcohol that gets thrown down the toilet.

I think either way is probably accurate

And again the reason risk is increased.

YANBU. I would be annoyed with the hosting parents, who are breaking the law, potentially allowing the virus to spread and putting you in a difficult position too. How are we ever going to get on top of this if people keep behaving like this :-(
I know the rules are inconsistent, but that doesn't mean we should completely ignore them. I actually think that what it means is that schools and colleges need to be made a lot safer to mitigate the risks there, whether that means for secondary/college kids masks, temperature checks and/or blended learning. But it doesn't look like we're getting that yet.
I wouldn't have a problem with telling DD she couldn't go though, or with her blaming me to her mates though. I realise that's been resolved now anyway.

Actually, devils advocate and all, but I think the impact on mental health should be considered especially on the age groups sitting exams next year and the extra stress they are having as well as the isolation. I don't think parties will solve that, but I think people should bear it in mind.

Mental health was one of the many reasons I couldn't shield to guidelines 100%, I would have been in poor mental health as well as physical.

I have no doubt DD is fucking fed up especially as all her friends are partying. I feel badly for her. I would like to cheer her up as much as I can.

Having a party in your garden is allowed op, in most areas of uk, (not in your lockdown area obviously). Have been allowed for months and are allowed up until Monday 14th.

They're not actually allowed, just not yet illegal.

My fucking neighbours are having a party right now, to add insult to injury. No doubt the loud music and dog barking and shouting will go on until 5am tomorrow as usual, let alone all the people in the house/garden.

Fuckwits. People and behaviour like this is why my DD and her friends are having their lives fucked up even more and for even longer and I'm glad DD isn't a party (see what I did there) to behaviour like this.

I think some people on here do not have teenagers, and do not remember their own youth. Missing one party - a bit shit but tolerable. No parties etc for the foreseeable future, university in bubbles of six, no travelling, meeting people - not just shit but an appalling long-term prospect.

In the sixth form I had a whale of a time. I feel very sad for my dcs. I would not like mine to go to a party in the least, but I can feel bloody sorry for them. We may “all be in this together” but surely people can see that stopping at home when you’re middle-aged or elderly is far less of a trauma than when you’re in the prime of (hormonal!) life.

@NewAutumnName

I'm baffled by the mental health card being thrown around everywhere. The poster that had 18 for a party....

Seriously?

I am classed as CEV and, although I am no longer shielding, I am being very careful. I’ve made it clear to my 17yo DS that, whilst I know it is shit, he must follow guidelines and obey the law whilst he lives at home. In return, I will play chauffeur far more than I did for my DD at that age to facilitate him meeting small groups appropriately.

I'm with PP who think it's better to let your teens use you as an excuse. At that age, it's asking a lot for them to make the right decision and do it in the face of peer pressure without a parent something similar to "blame". Even if it's just, "My mum's at a higher risk, so I can't, sorry!"

It seems a little silly for you as an adult to care what the other teens or their parents think of you. The result is more important than getting a 16-y.-o. to take a stand/face the wrath or disgust of her peers.

When I was that age, there were things I wasn't allowed to do. Surely it's not so strange for a 16/17-year-old to be forbidden to do certain things when they're still living at home.

Is it fair that a young person misses out on socialising

I don't think going out with five friends is missing out on socialising. And I am quite sure they'll find ways to (find a ) mate.