To feel irritated by posters saying this on dating threads..

[Grobagsforever]

Poster comes on asking for advice/complaining about someone they are dating e.g the person is flaky, likely married whatever.

There are always a few posts saying something like:

Happily married here so no recent dating experience, if DH and I split up I'd never date

Or

So glad my dating days are over, DP feels the same

Or

Urgh modern dating sounds awful so glad I never did it

Or (my personal pet peeve)

If DH died I'd definitely just stay single.

ANYONE can find themselves single at any age and MOST do choose to date. Not all, but most. The smug married nonsense isn't helpful, it's spiteful. If you've nothing useful to say why bother commenting?

I admit I have a personal sensitivity with this, DH died when I was 33, we'd been together 14 years, I never imagined for a second I'd want anyone else. But then he died and suddenly I had to face up to the choice of being alone for 50 years or woman-ing up and facing the horror of online dating. It was pretty shit at times but now I do have a lovely DP whom my children adore. I APPLAUD all the posters out there struggling through online dating. I APLAUD all those posters choosing to remain single. But can the smug married pls STFU on those threads, unless they have something constructive to say.

Ahhhh that's better.

YANBU. Silly twats. Can you post examples?

YANBU, it’s really smug and self-obsessed.

So sorry about your DH but I’m glad you’ve found happiness again

I am sorry for your loss

I don’t mind those comments. At least they acknowledge how crap it is. The ones I really, really hate are the ‘join a walking club’ ones. I really can assure you that I will not meet a man in a walking club.

I was a bit down a few weeks ago and the helpful tip for meeting someone was ‘borrow a pupil’s dog when they are away’

I have numerous friends telling me "to be happy on my own" or the best one I had last week "when you stop looking for a partner, you will find one" -really?? I'm happy, I'm not actively looking -I'm not ready yet (5 years post divorce) but my friend this morning "If X died I wouldn't want to find anyone else I'd just be happy alone" -they have been married 25 years.

@Cadent oh probably yes! I saw one just before posting which make me write this. I'll be back with some I'm sure.

or woman-ing up and facing the horror of online dating.

NO ONE has to online date, though.

@DollyMixtureLulus ah yes. A walking club FFS. Online dating is shitty and hard but you are at least more or less guaranteed to meet actual men, even if 90 percent of them are time wasters.

@BuggerBognor not wanting to date again because your current marriage has exhausted you is entirely valid and definitely not the smug type of behaviour I am referring to. I'm sorry you are unhappy

Another 'married but not feeling terribly smug or clever about it at the moment' one here.

I didn't even know there were dating threads on here tbh. Not sure why anyone would be on them if they have no interest in dating, so yanbu.

@MsKeats - Exactly. I was told to 'find myself' - I never lost myself! Why did I, as widowed woman have anymore need to find myself than my married friends?

You don't tell someone who wants to lose weight to be happy fat or someone who wants to speak French to be happy only speaking English - why de-validate someone's goals?

Time alone is essential. Being single is perfectly valid life choice. I almost did choose it myself. But if someone states they want a relationship don't try and invalidate their wishes, especially if you've been married 15 years!

@Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd of course they don't. But it is the most efficient way to find a relationship IF you want one. For me, as full time working mother of two small kids, spending hours on hobbies was impossible.

Op I couldn’t agree me.

I really hate the ones where someone is in the early stages of dating someone they like and after being ghosted or slow faded by ten other men is naturally feeing anxious. Some smug married who has never gone through this tells them off for checking WhatsApp last on and makes them feel even worse about themselves. Dating these days Is just hard and people shouldn’t comment if they don’t have experience.

BTW I am sorry for your loss but glad you found a good partner.

YANBU

Some married friends have said it to a single friend of mine (husband left her for another woman). I find it really unhelpful and mean. She would love to meet someone.

Thank you to @StealthNinjaMum and others for their kind comments re my loss.

Reading this is so refreshing. I've had all of these "helpful" and well-meaning comments. The favourite being, "you'll meet someone when you least expect it".

It's been 11 years and counting

@StealthNinjaMum

Op I couldn’t agree me.

I really hate the ones where someone is in the early stages of dating someone they like and after being ghosted or slow faded by ten other men is naturally feeing anxious. Some smug married who has never gone through this tells them off for checking WhatsApp last on and makes them feel even worse about themselves. Dating these days Is just hard and people shouldn’t comment if they don’t have experience.

BTW I am sorry for your loss but glad you found a good partner.

Exactly! Those who have never suffered online dating have not idea how easy it is to fall into the WhatsApping trap etc etc. I'm as intelligent and feminist as they come but it's just so easy to get drawn into it. I'm grateful that my children forced me to have very strong boundaries-so no men into my home etc, I can't say I'd have been as strong if it wasn't literally a child welfare issue!

I was the last single one of my friends, some of them said similar things to me while I was online dating a few year ago. A couple of those who did are now seperated/divorcing and on tinder . I'm keeping my mouth shut though.

@user1469976617 Quite. No one says 'you'll find a job when you least expect it' they tell you to apply for jobs!!!

@AlrightTreacle

I was the last single one of my friends, some of them said similar things to me while I was online dating a few year ago. A couple of those who did are now seperated/divorcing and on tinder . I'm keeping my mouth shut though.

You sound like a wonderful friend. They are so lucky to have you at this traumatic time. Remember your faces, if you ever find yourself in the same position as they are now. Bet you won't be laughing.

I also have, "you have got to start loving yourself"...who said I didn't?