To feel irritated by posters saying this on dating threads..

[Grobagsforever]

Poster comes on asking for advice/complaining about someone they are dating e.g the person is flaky, likely married whatever.

There are always a few posts saying something like:

Happily married here so no recent dating experience, if DH and I split up I'd never date

Or

So glad my dating days are over, DP feels the same

Or

Urgh modern dating sounds awful so glad I never did it

Or (my personal pet peeve)

If DH died I'd definitely just stay single.

ANYONE can find themselves single at any age and MOST do choose to date. Not all, but most. The smug married nonsense isn't helpful, it's spiteful. If you've nothing useful to say why bother commenting?

I admit I have a personal sensitivity with this, DH died when I was 33, we'd been together 14 years, I never imagined for a second I'd want anyone else. But then he died and suddenly I had to face up to the choice of being alone for 50 years or woman-ing up and facing the horror of online dating. It was pretty shit at times but now I do have a lovely DP whom my children adore. I APPLAUD all the posters out there struggling through online dating. I APLAUD all those posters choosing to remain single. But can the smug married pls STFU on those threads, unless they have something constructive to say.

Ahhhh that's better.

I've known a man who started looking around for a new partner once their wife got a terminal diagnosis

I don't think this is as uncommon as one would like to believe it is. I've read a lot of accounts of this happening...

I've worked a lot in palliative care. Something I've noticed is that when people have had a good marriage / relationship, they are often more open to falling in love again.

I've also seen people hurt because they physically need to feel loved again and let their hearts rule their heads too soon.

I'm glad you have found someone again who is right for you and makes you happy. I'm certain you deserve it and wish you well

It is definitely difficult to get your head around premature illness and death and it is certainly frightening, but it would help if some people tried a bit harder not to be dicks when speaking to the bereaved about relationships.

You're right. I think that people think too much about how they feel right NOW. I mean, if you ask me right now if I'd date after DH would die, I'd have a hard time imagining it because well, for one he's still alive and two, I'm used to being in a relationship right now. I might feel totally more open about dating after having to come home alone night after night. People have trouble imagining what it was like again to be single. Plus it's mostly becoming single at a different stage of life as last time.

I'm with you, OP - it's shit. I was widowed at 35 and was dating again at the six month mark because I was so fucking lonely. I loved being in a relationship and was incredibly happily married; I wanted that again. The thought of potentially facing 50+ years without the kind of love I'd had before was unbearable, actually.

Most people have been great, but a few of the people I'd considered myself closest to have been very judgemental and quite cruel, actually. They simply have no idea what it's like to be widowed.

Also, more advice that pissed me off was the advice that you needed to basically reach self-actualisation before you could attract a partner! Or 'love yourself' or a version of that. I think there comes a point when 'loving yourself' is what keeps you from settling for AWFUL men! But yet you're told to love yourself but not be too fussy!

I'm still single, I've just moved on from caring.

Most women i know who say things like if they found themselves single, they wouldnt date, generally mean they are done with dealing with ridiculous men.

Thats really not what she said at all!

Can we have a 'smug' emoji for all the smuggers

My friend did meet her partner at a walking club, but she loves walking and was happily single/wasn't actively looking for anyone

Oh fuck offffffff

oh yes, [smug]

Please MNHQ

When I got divorced one friend took me out to cheer me up then told me how miserable she’d be if her and her husband split up. For hours. Didn’t do much to cheer me up funnily enough.

It's like he 'we have paid off our mortgage' of relationship status

@LadyEggs

Can we have a 'smug' emoji for all the smuggers

What about the bride emojis?

👰👰🏾👰🏻

@ZarasHouse

It's like he 'we have paid off our mortgage' of relationship status

ha ha, that's funny. yes. That comment helps people who've been turned down for three mortgages and who cannot save much due to childcare costs and are too old at a spritely 35 to have 25 years more certain work life left in them.

👰×🏡+😇+👩‍⚖

@SanJunipero I'm sorry for your loss:( Did you have any luck dating?

@WiserOlder

👰×🏡+😇+👩‍⚖

Brilliant!

@SillyLittleBiscuit

When I got divorced one friend took me out to cheer me up then told me how miserable she’d be if her and her husband split up. For hours. Didn’t do much to cheer me up funnily enough.

@SillyLittleBiscuit

Yes I got the 'Well I'd never cope if my DH died' at length. Not helpful

Yanbu. I spent 15 years single and searching and dating (especially online) was absolutely brutal. I got so much unwanted advice from friends over the years. My favourite was if someone ghosted me or let me down, I'd be told to "find someone else who appreciates you". I WAS TRYING!
I finally met someone in my mid thirties but remember the pain and frustration of those years. I have a couple of involuntarily single friends and I stay well clear of offering cliches and advice.

Oh yes, find somebody who values you! YES. I'm trying, but you don't know that they don't value you until they let you down

I'm actually NOT trying anymore. But, I was.

Seems to be a common thing. I only discuss dating or lack of with friends in the same boat. The smug marrieds just don't seem to get it. The platitudes nearly want to make you tear your hair out.

I'm not in any sort of rush as I don't want children. Have been told multiple times over the years that I just haven't met the right man and will change my mind when I do! It infuriates me.

Sorry to those who have lost DH or DP.

Hmm. I may well be guilty of this, but then at least I (smugly) pat myself on the back that I've seen more fucking awful advice given out by serial daters than by smug marrieds.

No, I have never online dated. But as an outside observer, I've seen friends get very stuck into the "zone" of online dating where they seem to stop viewing the men they're interacting with as other human beings, and treat the whole thing as a zero sum game of matching interests and compatibility, with pigeon holed categorisation of whether someone might be a good match depending on how they say "hello" (apparently just "hello" isn't good enough - who knew?).

At the risk of being pelted with rotten tomatoes, horse shit etc, I do find there's a certain vein of singletons who ONLY listen to advice from relationship failures and actively resist advice from people in successful and serious long term relationships. Yes, sure Helen. Listen to twice divorced Sarah who has cheated on two of her last boyfriends. Her experience is surely of much greater value than my faithful thirteen year relationship that you claim to be aiming for

I mean, you wouldn't hire a plumber who's last bathroom spewed shit over the walls? Shitty experience is not experience worth copying!

@buffywillpatroltonight

Yanbu. I spent 15 years single and searching and dating (especially online) was absolutely brutal. I got so much unwanted advice from friends over the years. My favourite was if someone ghosted me or let me down, I'd be told to "find someone else who appreciates you". I WAS TRYING! I finally met someone in my mid thirties but remember the pain and frustration of those years. I have a couple of involuntarily single friends and I stay well clear of offering cliches and advice.

Or they say, "You had a lucky escape!" No, a lucky escape would be not to have experienced the hurt and disappointment of someone letting you down and having to go back to the drawing board for the nth time.

The other thing I hate is when you mention you're single and someone asks if you've tried OLD, as if it's some inspired idea that you wouldn't otherwise have thought of.

(apparently just "hello" isn't good enough - who knew?)

Because if someone can't be bothered to even write one complete sentence as their very first interaction it generally doesn't bode very well in terms of their making an effort in getting to know you.

Also it probably means they are indiscriminately messaging hundreds of women.

But this is the sort of thing someone who has actually tried OLD would know...