To feel irritated by posters saying this on dating threads..

[Grobagsforever]

Poster comes on asking for advice/complaining about someone they are dating e.g the person is flaky, likely married whatever.

There are always a few posts saying something like:

Happily married here so no recent dating experience, if DH and I split up I'd never date

Or

So glad my dating days are over, DP feels the same

Or

Urgh modern dating sounds awful so glad I never did it

Or (my personal pet peeve)

If DH died I'd definitely just stay single.

ANYONE can find themselves single at any age and MOST do choose to date. Not all, but most. The smug married nonsense isn't helpful, it's spiteful. If you've nothing useful to say why bother commenting?

I admit I have a personal sensitivity with this, DH died when I was 33, we'd been together 14 years, I never imagined for a second I'd want anyone else. But then he died and suddenly I had to face up to the choice of being alone for 50 years or woman-ing up and facing the horror of online dating. It was pretty shit at times but now I do have a lovely DP whom my children adore. I APPLAUD all the posters out there struggling through online dating. I APLAUD all those posters choosing to remain single. But can the smug married pls STFU on those threads, unless they have something constructive to say.

Ahhhh that's better.

I was in the same position OP widowed at 34. Had horrendous experiences dating in the years after.

I've had one long relationship since and am 47 now. I am sick sick of smug marriedsgivibg me unwanted unnecessary advice about dating.

People who haven't had a date in 30 years and married teenage boyfriends. It's also the insinuation that being single is a fault or something to be ashamed or that as an attractive intelligent solvent woman I need the advice of married people.

I find husbands the absolute worse. It's all so patronising.

A poster recently posted about her lack of being in a relationship where she felt loved had a raft of "you need therapy " responses.

I'm at the point now where I just say. Thanks for offering unwanted advice but I am perfectly happy as I observe most marriages have one deeply unhappy partner. If I want a partner I have a lot of experience in finding .

YANBU!! I often wonder why they contribute to the thread at all. Some have absolutely no dating experience ... well not online anyway

I totally understand what you're saying. I'm not single...i am pleased I'm not dating nowadays but that's not because I am smug or blissfully happy but because I think the old days of dating was so much better than nowadays. Go out, dress up, get chatted up, kiss at end of night, exchange numbers, he'd call you, go on a date, few dates in you were a couple...men actually had to have the courage to approach you and make some effort to impress...now lots of men can be total cowards and also think it's completely acceptable to send photos of their genitalia to women they would be too scared to talk to or approach in a bar...pathetic.

@Readandwalk

I was in the same position OP widowed at 34. Had horrendous experiences dating in the years after.

I've had one long relationship since and am 47 now. I am sick sick of smug marriedsgivibg me unwanted unnecessary advice about dating.

People who haven't had a date in 30 years and married teenage boyfriends. It's also the insinuation that being single is a fault or something to be ashamed or that as an attractive intelligent solvent woman I need the advice of married people.

I find husbands the absolute worse. It's all so patronising.

Great post @Readandwalk and I'm sorry for your loss. I'm 39 now and I think if it didn't work out with current DP I'd have to pause dating as eldest DD wouldn't tolerate someone else, she has a good relationship with DP but I can see as teenage years approach it's either going to have be home or no one for the sake of stability.

Widowed dating is super hard, the last thing we need is advice from the married:)

@RubyTheRockingHorse

Notice how I said I was keeping my mouth shut, instead of repeating some of the patronising stuff that they said to me while I was online dating. And no, I wouldn't be laughing, but I'd also never be smug about my relationship status and say things like "I'd rather stay single than go on tinder".

I met my 2nd DP online.

I applaud you OP

[quote AlrightTreacle]@RubyTheRockingHorse

Notice how I said I was keeping my mouth shut, instead of repeating some of the patronising stuff that they said to me while I was online dating. And no, I wouldn't be laughing, but I'd also never be smug about my relationship status and say things like "I'd rather stay single than go on tinder".[/quote]
You're just sniggering behind their backs then? Instead of their, probably well meaning, but insensitive attempts at being helpful. I'm no fan of smug marrieds, but I find you laughing at people going through divorce way worse.

You don't sound like you actually like these friends very much tbh.

My sister come to think of it is a prime example of this.

Massively looked down on me when I left ex H and then was very disapproving that I had a big second wedding (should have done it quietly in a dowdy suit as it’s all so embarrassing!) Luke she has made some amazing life choice by being lucky enough to meet the right person for her early on and it’s worked out for her.

@BuggerBognor

Thank you *@Grobagsforever* and sorry to hear similar tales of woe.

My best friend is still single in her 40’s and love a game of “single-o bingo” as we call it...

• it’ll happen when you stop looking
• it’s because you don’t love yourself
• join a club
• get a hobby that men enjoy - like welding
• It’ll happen quickly for someone like you
• have you used OLD? There’s one that gives you months free if you don’t meet someone! (She’s been doing OLD since about 2009...)

She’s just started seeing someone she met at Slimming World! Nobody saw that coming!

I'm glad I finished the thread because you've said everything I was going to post

All these stupid comments do nothing to help those of us who would dearly love to meet someone but can't

I've concluded I must be boring, ugly and stupid as I can't manage, despite all the smug coupled up people pointing out just how easy it is and how they couldn't possibly go it through it themselves

- get a hobby that men enjoy - like welding

How is that going to work if you don't like welding? That is really shitty advice indeed. I did have a "mans" hobby, blacksmithing. Looking back at my fellow smiths most were already in a relationship, about a quarter was gay. So don't see how that would help.

Sorry for your loss OP. Good to hear you have found someone new.

What was it about being widowed that made dating harder? Did potential new men see you differently? Or was it about your own mindset, or just the awfulness of the grief and your children?

Can't believe married people trying to give you advice about getting a hobby as if you have endless free time with children. Although I am guilty as a (?smug) married for telling people to do online dating and see it as a part time job, because that's what I did. But I do believe it's more efficient than taking a sushi making class or getting tennis lessons...

Reading this I might shut my face a bit more in future!

@MadameBee ah yes. If only ALL of us could be like your sister and pick men who turn into twats or drop dead at age 35.

@BaylisAndHardon - It was the guilt mainly. Am I betraying late DH? Is this right for my children? And also avoiding all the men who thought they could rescue me from a tragic life of singledoom. Plus lack of time, no Ex having the kids every other weekend. Although I realise plenty of fathers don't see their children. It's just really complicated and continues to be despite the depths of DP's understanding.

[quote Grobagsforever]@BaylisAndHardon - It was the guilt mainly. Am I betraying late DH? Is this right for my children? And also avoiding all the men who thought they could rescue me from a tragic life of singledoom. Plus lack of time, no Ex having the kids every other weekend. Although I realise plenty of fathers don't see their children. It's just really complicated and continues to be despite the depths of DP's understanding. [/quote]
op.

A woman I know who was widowed and later remarried also found it hard. She said she felt like she wanted to ask her late husband for advice, because while they were married, they had always discussed every important life decision.

That makes sense. It sounds like your DP is a good egg though

I'm one of those smug married people (sorry) but reading some of the dating threads (and listening to single family members) do make me understand why some people comment like that. I agree that it doesn't help though. I think most if it us meant to sympathise. You do read so many frustrating stories on here. Having said that, when I was dating I did find some of it fun. I think that threads bring out the frustrations of the process, but plenty of people do go on to find a significant other. I do applaud people who run into twats while dating but keep finding the positivity to keep on going. It's true that we never know our future, and thankfully so.

It does make me sad that some people online comment that they must be unlovable. I can't believe that. Everyone has nice parts of their character. I think that online dating just makes it harder for some people to bring across what they actually are like.

I feel that way, but I mostly wouldn't bother posting on a thread about online dating experiences because why would I? No experience of it, not likely to have any experience of it, so not a thread I should be engaging in.

I agree, any contribution I would have would be unhelpful at best.

I get the opposite, in that I am extremely happily single. And yet nobody believes that I could possibly be happy alone, and that I must just be repressing my deeply felt urges to find a man as quickly as possible and shack up with him. So I get all the advice on 'how to find a man' and I truly don't want it for the opposite reasons.

People mean well I know. But, no, I don't want to go out with their brother, lovely as I am sure he is.

Totally agree with you, some smug people... one or two of their partners might be cheating going by other threads and they would be the last to know.

Sorry to hear about your loss. Could happen to anyone at any time.

@DDIJ

Has anyone mentioned Salsa dancing yet?

Oh God the salsa dancing!

Years ago when I was mid 30s I worked for a very small company. Two of the four of us were single so the (married) boss decided that we needed a man in our lives and salsa dancing was the way to find him.

Not sure to this day why I agreed to go but, honestly, there was only one man there (in his 70s) and you could practically smell the desperation in the air.

I wasn’t there long before I made my excuses and left.

That does seem to happen a lot though. The thing about the smug married women saying they would never date again - they probably couldn't say the same thing for their husbands. I've known a man who started looking around for a new partner once their wife got a terminal diagnosis, another man who met his second wife at his first wife's wake...

But people should do whatever they want, there is no right or wrong thing to do.

I nearly started a thread yesterday to say virtually the same thing. Nothing more galling when you're having a shit time dating, and the nth man you meet turns out to be yet another commitment-phobic wanker, for someone to come along and say, "I'm sitting next to my wonderful partner who I met OLD right now!" Oh do sod off...