To ask DSD’s mum not to text at 02am to change plans

[Callardandbowser]

DSD’s mum and I have historically got on well but that fact has increasingly been dependant upon me resolutely ‘sucking it up’ when she behaves unreasonably.

I don’t know why I get shaken up when I put down a boundary but I do.

The last time I put down a boundary with her was when she had developed the habit of letting herself into my back door (we live close) and arguing loudly with my DH I asked her to leave because it was creating disharmony in my home and my own DD was scared.

Last night at 02:15 she texted my DH saying that she’d been up late watching TV at her boyfriend’s house so would be late back to be home for DSD (who always goes back to her’s at 10 on Saturday morning)

I have messaged her this morning asking (very diplomatically) that she doesn’t text with last minute changes of plans at 2:15 am because it wakes us up and is then hard to get back to sleep.

I’m so incredulous that I even need to point this out to her.

AIBU to be really shaken up after setting a boundary when someone’s clearly being unreasonable?

I was with you until "incredulous" and "shaken up". The woman is clearly a bit odd, so I can't imagine you are genuinely stunned by this. And shaken by her behaviour implies you are some sort of policy maker and are OUTRAGED she has not followed your rules.

You have spoken to her, had a vent on here, now you just have to hope she doesnt do it again. Or block her overnight, so she can't.

Annoyed yes. But Shaken up? Really? 😂

Yabu. If your phone disturbs you at night you need to change your settings. A text isn't a phone call. It's sent at the sender's convenience and read at the recipient's.

Why are you texting her and not her ex?

Baffling that so many people on Mumsnet don’t know how to put their phone on silent (or emergency contact only) during the night and her worked up about being contacted

Other common response you’ll get x100:
Why isn’t your DH dealing with this?

I think it’s up to your DH to put his phone on DND when he’s sleeping, and he could have picked it up in the morning. If she’s just going to be back a bit late, does it really impact on your day?

OK, so you do appear to be rather dramatic.

However, why does this woman have a key to your home?

I don't think you should have contacted her about a text she sent to DH, that's his job.

Wouldn’t it be more annoying if she messages you when she wakes up at 10am or so?
Use do not disturb mode overnight - there are options for emergency calls etc to get through.

Let DH deal with her. No need for you to have a relationship at all. She’s clearly rude and lacks healthy boundaries so take a long step back and leave him to it.

1. Set the do not disturb setting on your phone for overnight.

1. Leave it to your DP to answer his own text messages, set the boundaries and decide what is ok and what is not with regards to access. It’s between them.

I get the shaken up thing. Trying to assert yourself and your boundaries can leave you shaken up afterwards, I know it has me.

But I'm in agreement with the other posters. Put your phone on silent overnight!

If it's a genuine emergency then is there not a home phone she could call? Your DH should be sorting all this out, it's spineless to leave it to you and make you look like the baddie.

I've been there... just let them get on with it and you take a step back.

Meant to say, when you try and assert yourself and your boundaries when it doesn't come naturally can leave you feeling quite shaken up afterwards.

Baffling that so many people on Mumsnet don’t know how to put their phone on silent (or emergency contact only) during the night and her worked up about being contacted

Baffling that so many people don’t just use their brains and text at a reasonable hour.

I wouldn’t even notice if DH received a text at 2:15am. If something like that was likely to wake me up then I would ensure to use silent mode or leave phone somewhere else. It certainly isn’t anything to be incredulous or shook up about, you are being ridiculous. You also did not need to respond.

Walking into your house uninvited and starting arguments, no that is totally not on. That I would be furious about.

Turn your phone off and get the child's parent to deal with the other parent.

A text to change plans 'out of hours' is fine. A phone call not.
On the other hand I'd assume someone choosing to text at that hour has problems with memory or boundaries unless they were a shift worker or knew they wouldn't be available at a more reasonable hour.

Maybe she assumes people put their do not disturb on when they go to sleep, or turn notifications off?

YABU and a bit dramatic. In this day and age I think people just text at whatever time, assuming that everyone has the common sense to have their phones either on do not disturb or left downstairs. The message is then there for you first thing in the morning when you get up, which is surely a good thing?

It's up to your husband to put his phone on silent and txt her back.

Just don't get involved.

That has fuck all to do with you & is a total non issue. Pull yourself together ffs.

Use silent and let him deal with it

I would consider it rude to text someone at that hour.

Presumably she's texting at that time because she was going to be late up in the morning and didn't want to leave it till last minute. Put your phones on silent at night.
Youre being very dramatic!

DH can change his phone settings so texts from her are on do not disturb at night and move on. Not worth the stress over such a small thing

Why not just put your phone on 'Do Not Disturb' or in a different room from the bedroom? She should obviously not expect you to answer the phone at 2 a.m.; but some people just text when it's convenient for them and assume that others won't respond until it's convenient for them.