To ask DSD’s mum not to text at 02am to change plans

[Callardandbowser]

DSD’s mum and I have historically got on well but that fact has increasingly been dependant upon me resolutely ‘sucking it up’ when she behaves unreasonably.

I don’t know why I get shaken up when I put down a boundary but I do.

The last time I put down a boundary with her was when she had developed the habit of letting herself into my back door (we live close) and arguing loudly with my DH I asked her to leave because it was creating disharmony in my home and my own DD was scared.

Last night at 02:15 she texted my DH saying that she’d been up late watching TV at her boyfriend’s house so would be late back to be home for DSD (who always goes back to her’s at 10 on Saturday morning)

I have messaged her this morning asking (very diplomatically) that she doesn’t text with last minute changes of plans at 2:15 am because it wakes us up and is then hard to get back to sleep.

I’m so incredulous that I even need to point this out to her.

AIBU to be really shaken up after setting a boundary when someone’s clearly being unreasonable?

ShirleyPhallus

baffled by why people on mn don't understand why its important not to have my and many others phone on silent during the night hours

Yet another post where the SM decided to get involved rather than leave it to the DC’s parent !
I have been a step Mum for 30 years so get the annoyance but I would never have tried to interfere in arrangements between DH and his ex when SDC were young
My exh’s next wife decided that all arrangements regarding our DC had to go through her ! She was firmly told to butt out !
To be honest you do sound very dramatic! Shaken up ?

OP, in the nicest possible way, this all sounds a little dramatic. Unless there's some massive backstory or issue you are missing about why the later pick up was going to cause you a problem, I don't see why her being late is a something to stress about. Im sure she'll have thought that, like most people, you'd have just picked up the text when you got up the next morning. It really isn't a big deal.

Why on earth was your DH's phone not on silent overnight? If both of you are so badly disrupted by a 2am text, it's your responsibility to put it on silent, no?

This lady clearly has an issue with boundaries but a 2am text really isn't something to get wound up over. She was obviously texting then so she could sleep in the next day and not have to worry about collecting her DD.

Your fault for not putting your phone in silent, she probably thought you would see it when you woke up? I don’t think it’s worth picking a fight over, just take DSD back a hour later.

Is this a joke?

Yabu because it was the most reasonable cost of action for her, in the circumstances.

The alternative would be for you to find out when she wasn't there when her child was due back. Then you would have something worth complaining about.

If you don't want to be disturbed by notifications at night, make sure your phones are set not to disturb you.

Maybe she's hoping you'll see the text in the morning OP?
I have switched my mobile off every night since I owned one - don't sleep with one in your room, certainly not switched on.

What "boundary" are you talking about? If it's the no-texting-at-night thing, then that is most definitely unreasonable as it's YOUR responsibility to put your phone on the setting which suit YOU.
That's the beauty and joy of texting - you can send a text at whatever time is convenient (which might well be at 2am when something suddenly occur to you), and the recepient can read it at a time that suits THEM (so when they wake up in the morning).

As to her not being home for the drop-off time, if it's a regular occurence then yes, your DH needs to have a word with her about it. If it's a one-off, then it's really nothing to get worked up about, is it?

I think it's unreasonable to not put your phone on DND overnight. There are overrides for genuine emergencies.

baffled by why people on mn don't understand why its important not to have my and many others phone on silent during the night hours

Do not disturb allows you to select people who are exempt. For example, I always leave my mum, dad, brother, best friend in the case of an emergency.

She sounds difficult. But you are having an overly emotional response.

Did it really cause that much stress and upset. I get irritating, I get rolling your eyes, but you and your husband see, to be treating a minor incident like a huge one.

She sounds like she had had a few drinks, was texting so she didn’t have to wake up in the morning to deal with this. Put your phone on silent at night, deal with things in the morning.

Yes, this!

@ivykaty44

ShirleyPhallus

baffled by why people on mn don't understand why its important not to have my and many others phone on silent during the night hours

That's what Do Not Disturb mode is for.

Put your phone on silent. Problem solved.

Why don't you just set your phones to overnight silence, mine doesn't make a sound from texts at night (there's overrides, if someone calls 3 times in quick succession it rings)

What a drama over nothing much at all. Your DH should deal with her, end of. Nowt to do with you and your "harmony"

Baffling that so many people don’t just use their brains and text at a reasonable hour.
Perhaps it is, but the fact is that you can’t control what other people do and some people are inconsiderate. It's a fact of life. You can only control yourself. So if you want to ensure that you aren’t woken by your phone at night then you need to take responsibility for putting it on silent or turning it off.

I would just ask DH to instruct her not to text/phone after your usual bedtime
I would love for you to hear the reaction of almost any woman alive upon being “instructed” by her ex husband. Are you for real? 😂 He can politely request that she doesn’t call/text after a certain time but he’s not in charge of her. An adult’s phone is their own responsibility. If you don’t want to be woken by it, put it on silent. So simple.

There is a boundary being crossed, OP but not by the ex wife. You are involving yourself in their co-parenting relationship to an inappropriate degree. How/when they contact each other in relation to their child is up to them. If you are unhappy or feel that this impacts you, then you are free to raise the issue with your husband and if he's a decent bloke then he will weigh up everyone's needs and do the right thing. It's not your place to be laying down the law to your stepchild's parent and I'm not surprised she doesn't respond well to this. Perhaps you wouldn't feel so "shaken" if you and your husband dealt with the issue correctly. As it is, you're getting involved where you shouldn't be and he is just relieved that he doesn't have to deal with any conflict or take responsibility.

Why is your phone waking you up at night. Texts are messages that can be read at any time. Your phone should be either off or on Do not disturb if you don't want to be woken up by pinging. I am incredulous that there are still people that need to have this explained to them. It could be anyone texting at night including marketers. The idea is you read it at your convenience like a letter.

However YANBU re last minute changes of plan. It's not acceptable for her to text at last minute to change the time she is collecting. If it's a one off and unavoidable that's fine but she should call you to discuss this really at an appropriate time of day.unless it's a real emergency such as I am on my way to hospitals in an ambulance type territory!

YABU. She is contacting your DH not you. You should request form him to not respond to messages at night and not wake you up. She can’t impose plans on u last minute yes.. if something is prearranged, it’s up to u to accept last minute changes or not. And your DH should clarify that.

If he isn’t , then he is the problem. You can request form the ex nicely to be considerate but to go put it down as a rule as if she needs permission from you isn’t polite.

Also why did he alllw her to enter through the back door ? That was disrespectful and good u called her out on it because it’s also your home.

But DHs phone number isn’t yours and there is onlt so much you can say.

Put your phone on silent or don’t take it to bed it’s simple.

A text is pretty much no different to sending an email you get to read it whenever you check you phone. It’s also a dh thing why do you keep getting involved. If he doesn’t like it it’s upto him to sort not send you.

Why are you even texting her when it shakes you up so much? Just completely ignore all the drama and tell your husband to put his phone on silent at night.

Yes, you can put the do not disturb function on, but XW will probably be need to be exempted otherwise you wouldn't know if there was an emergency with DSD. I agree DH should be sorting this though. I am also someone who has great difficultly getting back to sleep after a sudden wakening like this, so I sympathise. Those of you who are suprised by the problem of setting of boundaries presumably didn't grow up in families where boundaries were crap. It's taken me a long time to be able to set boundaries for myself for this reason. I get it OP.

Rant away but why isn’t your partner better managing the relationship with his Ex?