To ask DSD’s mum not to text at 02am to change plans

[Callardandbowser]

DSD’s mum and I have historically got on well but that fact has increasingly been dependant upon me resolutely ‘sucking it up’ when she behaves unreasonably.

I don’t know why I get shaken up when I put down a boundary but I do.

The last time I put down a boundary with her was when she had developed the habit of letting herself into my back door (we live close) and arguing loudly with my DH I asked her to leave because it was creating disharmony in my home and my own DD was scared.

Last night at 02:15 she texted my DH saying that she’d been up late watching TV at her boyfriend’s house so would be late back to be home for DSD (who always goes back to her’s at 10 on Saturday morning)

I have messaged her this morning asking (very diplomatically) that she doesn’t text with last minute changes of plans at 2:15 am because it wakes us up and is then hard to get back to sleep.

I’m so incredulous that I even need to point this out to her.

AIBU to be really shaken up after setting a boundary when someone’s clearly being unreasonable?

Praps AIBU is not the best forum for empathetic discussion!

You're not going to get empathy if you're in the wrong 🤷🏼‍♀️

Just stop letting her get to you. Put the phone on silent at night. Don't be a drama llama. It's simple

I do. Just return child at previously agreed time. And say it was too late as you needed to go somewhere. If it's a one off fair enough. If she does it on a regular basis - not acceptable.

Why was he stressing about the change of plans?

Don't post in AIBU if youre sifting for empathy lmao

Op then why did you not put 'only reply if you agree with me' other wise you are going to get different replies

She was probably drunk realised there was no way she was going to be up and ready in the morning so fired off a text message telling you that

I think it is too late OP. Some people might not have their phone on silent overnight eg because an elderly parent is in hospital but doesn't mean they want to be woken up by other texts. I try not to text people after 9.30pm really.

My ex doesn't even bother telling me if he changes plans.. just turns up. I'd be grateful to be informed! She just let you know she'd be late.. It happens.... Seems better to have this knowledge in the morning, that at 9.45 am for example.. I wouldn't qualify this as a 'boundary breach'.

She text your DH, so if this upset you why are you responding? It would be better to leave it to him to deal with her.

Your husband was “stressing” about the change of plan?
Why was that exactly?
Did he have somewhere he had to be this morning AND wasn’t able to reply, “sorry can’t help out this time as I’m starting work a 10:30 after drop off”?

It's usual for people who are learning about setting boundaries to feel shaken when they do it.

Texting at 2 isn't a great idea and DND wouldn't work if you need to allow her as an important contact through.
I think asking her to refrain from repeating this is fine and you did right.

Phone on silent/night mode. Simple. No need to be incredulous and worry about your home harmony.

@PilatesPeach

I think it is too late OP. Some people might not have their phone on silent overnight eg because an elderly parent is in hospital but doesn't mean they want to be woken up by other texts. I try not to text people after 9.30pm really.

So they can set their DND to sound for calls, but not texts 🤷🏻‍♀️

You have a DH problem.

Also, why do you keep saying the house is YOURS? Is not your
DHS and your stepchilds too?

Could she not just text your stepdaughter?

If your DH manned up and dealt with his ex himself you wouldn’t need to get shaken up would you? Why does he leave it to you to pull her up on everything?

I think texting is reasonable, at least she told your dh in advance not last minute, even he didn't see it during the night and saw it first thing in the morning. And you don't need the phone during sleep, so you have a choice of leaving it somewhere else or make it silent.
If she didn't you are all expecting her to pick him at at 10, and she won't turn up and maybe find her still asleep.

She messaged him so he should message her back if he doesn't want messages in the night. Your problem is with him having his phone on loud.

I text people at all hours because I sleep terribly and am often awake at night so I catch up with correspondence. I don't expect a reply then but it's sent so it can be read when the recipient wants to read it. I'm assuming she text then so the message would be there for him to read upon waking.

I totally understand the feeling shaken up when you assert yourself part. I’m the same. If I have to speak to DP about something like that my voice will get shaky and I feel really nervous, just because it doesn’t come naturally to me to assert myself and I find confrontation of any kind really uncomfortable.

However, on the texts front YABU - my phone is on do not disturb at night from 11pm until 8.30am so if anyone tries to call or text me at night it doesn’t ring. I suffer with high cortisol in the early hours so struggle to sleep at the best of times. If I’m woke up, especially in a less-than-lovely way I will be a gibberish wreck for hours afterwards!!

Sort your and DH’s phone settings out, keep you back door locked as the ex clearly has no boundaries and then hopefully there will be fewer violations of your boundaries to get worked up over.

@Callardandbowser I get what you are saying - I find it really frustrating when people step over my boundaries oblivious to everyone except themselves. Because I wouldn't treat other people like that, I get cross that I then have to have the "talk". It would be nice if everyone could treat each other with respect.

I've resolved my issues with people thinking it's ok to text in the middle of the night by using the sleep mode on the phone - it's automatic so I don't have to think about. You might get better replies if you post on relationships, I am afraid there is very little empathy on AIBU.

woken and gibbering

@Chemenger

The point of texts and emails if asynchronous communications, surely. They are sent when it suits the sender and read when it suits the receiver. If you don’t want to be woken up by them don’t have an audible alert for texts, don’t have your phone in the bedroom or set your phone to do not disturb. My phone never makes a noise when a text comes, I read them when I feel like it.

This - I'd assume you'd get the text at a resonable hour.

I've sent the kids texts and they've disappeared for days till they get them - which isn't great but I'm not usually expecting an instant reponse I'd ring for that.

I have been annoyed when family have mucked up time frames even when they were only in a time zone a few hours different and rung house phone in the middle of the night for a "chat".

I suspect her having a key to your home and rowing with your DH which is clearly unacceptable behavior is making you a bit over over senstive to her behavior at the minute.

@Callardandbowser

Praps AIBU is not the best forum for empathetic discussion!

You mean it's not the best forum to expect everyone to agree with you!

Your phones should be on silent and it's for your partner to discuss matters with his ex, not you.

HTH

@Callardandbowser

Praps AIBU is not the best forum for empathetic discussion!

Of course it's not. 'Am I Being Unreasonable' is a question, not a discussion.

You're not being unreasonable in that setting boundaries stresses you out, but then maybe if your boundaries were reasonable it wouldn't stress you out so much making them 🤷🏻‍♀️

Have a word with yourself.

Text messages are a convenience for the sender & if you manage your phone, a convenience for the recipient. Phone on DND overnight. Easy to set up as automatic on most phones & easy to make exceptions.

She sent a text - she didn't climb into bed with you. No need for shocked or incredulous.

No idea why DH having his own child for a few extra hours was such a drama, but if there was a particular reason (say a wedding she's not invited to or something) HE could have called her at 9 to say he couldn't keep her linger today.

Several mountains out of several
Molehills.

(I think she was a bit rude stating she wouldn't be home for DD, especially just as she went to bed late - but that's a separate issue to your batshit notion that you can dictate when people send texts)

@jessstan2

Could she not just text your stepdaughter?

Yeah that's a great idea. Get a child stuck in the middle. 🙇🏻‍♀️