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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DSD’s mum not to text at 02am to change plans

136 replies

Callardandbowser · 12/09/2020 12:01

DSD’s mum and I have historically got on well but that fact has increasingly been dependant upon me resolutely ‘sucking it up’ when she behaves unreasonably.

I don’t know why I get shaken up when I put down a boundary but I do.

The last time I put down a boundary with her was when she had developed the habit of letting herself into my back door (we live close) and arguing loudly with my DH I asked her to leave because it was creating disharmony in my home and my own DD was scared.

Last night at 02:15 she texted my DH saying that she’d been up late watching TV at her boyfriend’s house so would be late back to be home for DSD (who always goes back to her’s at 10 on Saturday morning)

I have messaged her this morning asking (very diplomatically) that she doesn’t text with last minute changes of plans at 2:15 am because it wakes us up and is then hard to get back to sleep.

I’m so incredulous that I even need to point this out to her.

AIBU to be really shaken up after setting a boundary when someone’s clearly being unreasonable?

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 12/09/2020 14:49

Praps AIBU is not the best forum for empathetic discussion!

Not if you're a stepmother.

Or someone with vulnerable relatives living along. Unless there is a magical emegency setting which auto detects the unknown numbers who do need to contact and excludes those which don't. I've had both calls and texts in this situation.

Dablikeacrap · 12/09/2020 14:50

You and your husband sound like a bunch of drama llamas

VinylDetective · 12/09/2020 14:56

Leave your phone downstairs or turn it to silent. Job done.

sadie9 · 12/09/2020 14:57

She texted your DH's phone. But you texted her on your own phone.
That's pretty controlling tbh.
One woman texts your husband. Then another woman texts that woman telling her to back off.
Your DH is a lucky man having two women trying to get control of him.
He has a nice lie in while the pair of you have handbags at dawn.
Presume you texted her at 7am this morning.

Pebblexox · 12/09/2020 14:58

You can't police when somebody texts. Of course you can ask them not to, but that doesn't mean she won't do it again.
Just mute your texts when you go to bed. I've done that for years, if it's an emergency they'll call.

luckylavender · 12/09/2020 15:04

Phone on silent. Job done. I think she was reasonable.

Nacreous · 12/09/2020 15:07

I agree it's stressful and frustrating to be woken in the night. I agree that 2am is late to be changing plans.

But you didn't need to be woken in the night by it (and by texting you I assume she won't have expected to wake you with it) because you can set your phone to be silent for all texts overnight while being not silent for calls, or silent for all texts and all calls except specified contacts and people who call twice in quick succession or whatever. In which case you would have found the text in the morning.

IWantT0BreakFree · 12/09/2020 15:12

Unless there is a magical emegency setting which auto detects the unknown numbers who do need to contact and excludes those which don't. I've had both calls and texts in this situation.

Not sure it's magical but yes most phones will allow you to exempt certain contacts from 'silent' mode for this very reason.

Littleposh · 12/09/2020 15:22

To be honest, it's not her texting at 2.15 that is the problem here. It's the fact that A she thinks it's acceptable to mess her son around less than 8 hours before she is seeing him and B that she thinks watching tv late with her bf is a reasonable excuse to ditch her son. Your husband needs to tell her straight that both of those things are not on and not happening. But definitely put your phone on silent at night too

Aridane · 12/09/2020 15:37

YABU and a drama lama

WeAllHaveWings · 12/09/2020 15:42

@Aridane

YABU and a drama lama
Agree.

Tell your dh to put his phone on silent.
Leave your dh to communicate with his dds mum.

C8H10N4O2 · 12/09/2020 15:51

Not sure it's magical but yes most phones will allow you to exempt certain contacts from 'silent' mode for this very reason

I know that. Hence I specified "unknown" numbers.

Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly · 12/09/2020 15:59

OP, I think the issue is with your use of the word 'shaken'. It doesn't mean what I think you are using it for.

LolaSmiles · 12/09/2020 16:03

You won't get sympathy here OP I'm afraid. Step parents are supposed to be involved and not involved depending on what direction the wind is blowing.

You have reacted dramatically, but you're not wrong on the principle.

I do think it's disrespectful for anyone to change plans in the early hours of the morning and rely on the people receiving the text to lump it. I don't care if it's an ex, step parent, mum, grandparent, friend, whatever.

If someone posted this:
MIL agreed to have DC this Saturday and we agreed we'd drop the children off at 10am. DH and I made plans for the day. AIBU to think MIL was wrong to text us as 2am saying she's out with her friends and won't be coming home/will be too tired to have DC as agreed.
then posters would be slating the MIL and some would be inventing all kids of conspiracies about how she's probably a narc and you should consider going low contact.

If a poster posted this:
Ex has the children on a Saturday and I drop off at 10am. He text me at 2am to tell me not to bring them round til after lunch because he's out with his mates and will be too tired
people would rightly be slating the ex, and a few posters would be going to town inventing as they do arguing that he's obviously prioritising another woman/is acting like a child.

But because a mum does it and it's her ex and the children's step mother complaining them everyone had to roll over and accept it? Not a chance.

She has her child from 10am and chose to prioritise staying up late with her boyfriend. She needs to stick to the plan and suck it up.

purplegirdles · 12/09/2020 16:05

My DH's ex/SD's mum changes plans a lot, won't ever give a definite time for things, and regularly turns up two or three hours late to pick up her daughter. She lets her daughter down a lot. I've found the best way to deal with it is to have nothing to do with any of it. I don't mean to sound selfish and I do care, but she's his ex and it's on him to deal with it IMO. Life is much easier that way. He talks to me about it when it's stressing him out, but I'm not directly involved in any arrangements or comms. I would put the phone on silent and leave ALL communications to your DH. Treat any annoying stuff she does as background noise. I hope I don't sound terrible saying that. It's just my way of managing it.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/09/2020 16:16

@Callardandbowser yes yabu to be shaken up by a fairly innocuous action. You definitely need to work on your confidence or self worth if you feel you don't have a right to ask for things.

The fact your husband was so distressed at having to have his son for longer is a different question and greatly depends on what your plans were for today (leaving for airport at 9, mom now wants to collect at 9.10, reasonable distress. No plans just expecting him to be gone by 9, unreasonable distress). As is when you expected her to text (she shouldn't be late to plans she has with DS because she stayed up late with her bf, she would have been unreasonable to wake up 5 minutes before pickup and delay)

OchonAgusOchonO · 12/09/2020 16:21

@StillCoughingandLaughing - Baffling that so many people don’t just use their brains and text at a reasonable hour.

Texting is asynchronous communication. Send when convenient, read when convenient. And that is quite aside from the fact your text, depending on coverage, does not necessarily arrive immediately it is sent.

A parent of a friend of dc is like this. If anyone sends her a text after 9pm, they get a passive aggressive message about her being woken up by the text. She uses a non-smart phone so dnd not an option.

After one such text from her replying to a delayed text from me (I had to show her the screen to prove I had sent it earlier), I did ask her why she didn't turn the phone off/leave the phone downstairs (she has a landline so emergency phone calls not an issue). Apparently, she uses the phone as an alarm clock. Then buy a fucking alarm clock or stop whinging. I think she just liked the drama. Thank God I've nothing to do with her anymore.

OchonAgusOchonO · 12/09/2020 16:26

@Callardandbowser - I was affected by her behaviour which was inherently unreasonable so I have the right to respectfully ask for it not to happen again.

Assuming it is the fact she texted at 2am that you are referring to, rather than the change of plans, you were affected by her behaviour because neither you nor your dh know how to, or are unwilling to, manage your devices in a way that fits your lifestyle.

Original poster
Callardandbowser · 12/09/2020 16:28

Wow- lots of madness on here today.
Thanks for the constructive replies though minority.
I’m too tired for all this negativity tough!
Bye!
👋

OP posts:
IWantT0BreakFree · 12/09/2020 16:38

Wow- lots of madness on here today

Yeah it must be everyone else, eh? 😂

OchonAgusOchonO · 12/09/2020 16:50

@LolaSmiles - I do think it's disrespectful for anyone to change plans in the early hours of the morning and rely on the people receiving the text to lump it. I don't care if it's an ex, step parent, mum, grandparent, friend, whatever.

Absolutely. Last minute changes to plans are rude. However, that doesn't not appear to be what the op is complaining about. She texted the mother to complain about the time of the text, not the content. asking (very diplomatically) that she doesn’t text with last minute changes of plans at 2:15 am because it wakes us up and is then hard to get back to sleep.

Last minute changes - yes, absolutely something worth getting annoyed about, particularly given the reason. Inability to effectively manage your own devices? Nope. That's nobody's problem but your own.

Gurtcha · 12/09/2020 16:53

DH was awoken and stressing about the change of plans

Blimey, whenever I get bored Eastenders and feel the need for a bit of drama, I’ll be sure to look out for you and you’re DH OP.

Bollss · 12/09/2020 17:16

I guess none of you have had to deal with an ex like this. All I can say is lucky you! It does put you on edge no matter how small something is.

OchonAgusOchonO · 12/09/2020 17:31

@C8H10N4O2

Praps AIBU is not the best forum for empathetic discussion!

Not if you're a stepmother.

Or someone with vulnerable relatives living along. Unless there is a magical emegency setting which auto detects the unknown numbers who do need to contact and excludes those which don't. I've had both calls and texts in this situation.

Most phones have the option whereby if an unknown number phones repeatedly, they will get through. For example, on an iPhone, you can set it so that a second call from the same number pithing 3 minutes will be allowed through. Not quite magic but a useful feature.
gumball37 · 12/09/2020 17:32

I mute my cell phone at night🤷