To ask DSD’s mum not to text at 02am to change plans

[Callardandbowser]

DSD’s mum and I have historically got on well but that fact has increasingly been dependant upon me resolutely ‘sucking it up’ when she behaves unreasonably.

I don’t know why I get shaken up when I put down a boundary but I do.

The last time I put down a boundary with her was when she had developed the habit of letting herself into my back door (we live close) and arguing loudly with my DH I asked her to leave because it was creating disharmony in my home and my own DD was scared.

Last night at 02:15 she texted my DH saying that she’d been up late watching TV at her boyfriend’s house so would be late back to be home for DSD (who always goes back to her’s at 10 on Saturday morning)

I have messaged her this morning asking (very diplomatically) that she doesn’t text with last minute changes of plans at 2:15 am because it wakes us up and is then hard to get back to sleep.

I’m so incredulous that I even need to point this out to her.

AIBU to be really shaken up after setting a boundary when someone’s clearly being unreasonable?

It’s not up to everyone else to refrain from texting you because you might be asleep. Leave your phone elsewhere if midnight calls leave you feeling “shaken” and be sodding grateful that she messaged you!

Yabu to ask her not to text at 2am, you should manage your phone so it doesn’t wake you. She probably thought you’d get the message when you woke up. YANBU to ask her to not assume last minute changes to drop off time will be ok. ‘Would you be ok to drop later?’ is fine.

Why is the phone nit on silent. Mine always is.

You don’t have a first wife problem you have a DH problem. Also put your phone on silent. She probably wanted to give the heads up as early as possible and assumed you’d read it when you woke up.

It’s not up to everyone else to refrain from texting you because you might be asleep.
It is when it is 2.15 a.m. It is downright rude to text at a time when most people are in bed asleep.

be sodding grateful that she messaged you!
...and you are downright rude.

OP, I would just ask DH to instruct her not to text/phone after your usual bedtime unless there is a genuine emergency (which, in this case, it wasn't).

Look she's clearly not mother of the year if can't even be arsed to get back home/get up for her own child coming home at 10am because she's been at her boyfriend's. However, there is a big leap from please don't let yourself into my house and argue with my DH in front of my DC to texting at night. Just put your phone on silent and make sure she is clear you will be sticking to pre-agreed plans as last minute changes are terrible for the child. Your DH should be dealing with this though. Its not your problem.

You were shaken up....by a text message?

Yanbu to be annoyed. You’re being ridiculous to be shaken up

YABU, you don't get to tell other people what time they are allowed to send texts, write emails or post letters.

The worst boundary being crossed here is you communicating with your husband's ex instead of him.

Why did you text her when it was your DH who she texted? I don’t really get that.

Could I please ask everyone to stop sending messages on my threads after 10pm because the alerts wake me up. It's incredibly rude of you all actually.

She was just informing you of the change of plans. I bet even she didn’t think your DH would be silly enough to have his phone on / not on silent.

Take your husband’s balls out of your handbag and stop interfering?
Why are you speaking to her?

Lots of people text 24 hours, assuming the other has their setting managed. I have kind set so that if my XH rings 2x in a row, it rings - so we’re covered for emergencies re our kids.

As long as he didn’t DEMAND, I’d have no problems waking up to a text saying was it OK to run late for pick up, call if not.

I suppose this text was more demanding than asking... but it still should be your husband to sort it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Presumably she's texting at that time because she was going to be late up in the morning and didn't want to leave it till last minute. Put your phones on silent at night.
Youre being very dramatic!

Yes, I agree. She was anticipating you being up before her in the morning.

Turn your phone on silent and leave it downstairs. I do.

I absolutely thought YWNBU until I got to the part where you were incredulous and shaken up.

Like the others have said, put your phones on DND. Most people do overnight so people expect to be able to text and have the person read it when they wake up. I wake up to messages from people at all times of the night most mornings. I don't think she was unreasonable to let your DH know in advance that she would be late, better than rushing in the morning only to get a text as you were on your way out the door to drop DSD off.

It was only a text, not even a phonecall, so I think YABU to be shaken up. I only feel "shaken up" if our house phone goes in the middle of the night or early morning, especially because I have a granny in her 90s who isn't very well.

The point of texts and emails if asynchronous communications, surely. They are sent when it suits the sender and read when it suits the receiver. If you don’t want to be woken up by them don’t have an audible alert for texts, don’t have your phone in the bedroom or set your phone to do not disturb. My phone never makes a noise when a text comes, I read them when I feel like it.

Such a dramatic reaction. Most people use do not disturb at night. She probably sent it then thinking she wouldn't be up in the morning to text at that point, knowing you would see it when you woke.

Silence is golden, especially in the middle of the night. Tell him to put it on silence, problem solved. As for a key to the house, why she got 1 unless she lived there before.

Put your phone on silent and lock the back door.

Put phone on silent or leave it in snother room if you don't want to be disturbed. It's cheeky if her to change plans at the last minute.

"Sorry, no. We have plans tomorrow so will be dropping dd off as pre-arranged. Oh, and please don't text at 2am unless it's an emergency. We we're sleeping".
Don't let her call the shots.
( It really should be your dp doing the texting too. I'd also be wary of being too close/friendly. Polite but distant is the way forward)

Were

I disagree with most of the replies in here because DH was awoken and stressing about the change of plans, so was I!
I was affected by her behaviour which was inherently unreasonable so I have the right to respectfully ask for it not to happen again.
I suppose my OP was getting at the fact that putting down a boundary to protect the harmony in my household is a reasonable thing to do but it always shakes me up each time I’m forced to do so and That was the bit I was curious about/interested in I wanted to know if anyone else could empathise with me.

She was pissed and hoping for a lie in.

You'll have to woman up a bit OP.