To tell his wife....

[rachielou10]

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

@venustiger - Not a friend, a passing acquaintance whom she has met once. And it's still none of her business but no doubt she's enjoying the self-importance of being the one in the know.

Only two people know what’s going on in a marriage and nobody else should meddle.

The whole fucking point is that one person in the marriage doesn't have a clue what is going on and is being kept in the dark by her selfish philandering husband.

OP, you are in an impossible situation. You should tell her though. She deserves to know she's being taken for a ride. Chances are she has an inkling of it already... But he's probably gaslighting the fuck out of her and making her think she's crazy and paranoid.

If it would cause problems at work, definitely not. They'd likely know it was you.

Keep out. It's none of your business and you are spending way too much time worrying about someone's marriage when you aren't even really friends with her.

You need to worry more about your job and working in a hostile environment. The wife might not thank you, or even believe you. He would have covered his tracks. Why put yourself on the line?

No one wants to see others being treated badly, no. If they are having an affair then at some point it will likely come out. Maybe the wife has an inkling but doesn't want to face it yet.

It is very likely that if you tell, it will be only you who pays the price. Don't meddle in other people's lives. You will get loads of posters encouraging you to tell her, but they aren't the ones who will have to deal with any fall out, they just get to watch the drama unfold from the comfort of their sofa.

If there's someone you could chat to at work confidentially op, that might help?

If I was the wife, I would want to know.

Maybe they have an open marriage?
Maybe they are separating but social media is being kept up for appearances?
Maybe they are separated but don't want to hurt DC/ family members by telling them yet?
Maybe he is an arsehole cheating on his lovely wife?

You don't know. You're not a good friend of either of them, you barely know her. If he is cheating, she's not going to feel sad that you as an individual knew before she did, you have no obligation to her as you would a good friend.

For you, no good can come of interfering in this marriage. This is not your problem to solve.

@katy1213 it may come as a shock to you but some people feel actual real guilt at not telling a person something they should know, whether friend or acquaintance or random stranger.

I realised a friend's ex was shagging his best friend and I agonised over whether to tell him. I didn't in the end, I chickened out of stirring anything up, but I always wished I had let him know - he didn't find out until 6 months later. It's nothing to do with feeling morally superior and everything to do with empathy and considering how you'd want to be treated in the same situation.

I’d tell her. I don’t understand the sending from another number, because as soon as she confronts Tom he’ll know you saw him in Chester.
She does deserve to know, she might not believe you, but that’s her choice and if she isn’t a close friend then it’s no loss to you if she doesn’t speak to you again.
I find the work comments a bit off the mark too, it’s nothing to do with your, or their, jobs, so no they can’t make a grievance against you (if they do it would be extremely unfounded) and as neither are your boss, there are no unofficial consequences (like being passed over for a promotion).

@rachielou10
Remember the old saying ''Don't shoot the messenger"

I'd stay well out of it. What have you to gain, and she {The wife} will not thank you for it.

A very tricky situation.

*Hi "wife"
I was out in Chester the other week and saw a man who was the spitting image of your tom haha.
Anyway it reminded me to say hello and see how you are all doing as we haven't spoken for a while.

See what response you get and take it from there?
She responds ... tom? Not been with him for a while. Then leave it.
She replies oh yes, could well have been Tom, he is always out. I often wonder if he is with someone else? Then you can tell her*

Yes, of course, that’s exactly how the wife will respond. She’ll confide her deepest fear to a woman she’s met once. Ffs. Some creative writing going on throughout this thread.

@Scotslass84

Stay well away from this. It might seem that morally you are doing the right thing by telling her but you don't know them well enough to know reactions or the consequences of setting the cat amongst the pigeons. Many people are aware of what goes on or have their suspicions and choose to let it slide for a variety of reasons. It's genuinely not your place to impose on a family and potentially break them, it sounds like he's doing a good enough job of that himself.

If you haven't spoken to her in 6 months then it wasn't a friendship, it was an acquaintance and you are only creating drama for everyone. You will regret it.

This ^

I don’t understand the sending from another number, because as soon as she confronts Tom he’ll know you saw him in Chester.

Also it gives Tom more scope to defend himself - ‘Why would you believe some anonymous stirrer over your own husband?’

@msflibble

Only two people know what’s going on in a marriage and nobody else should meddle.

The whole fucking point is that one person in the marriage doesn't have a clue what is going on and is being kept in the dark by her selfish philandering husband.

OP, you are in an impossible situation. You should tell her though. She deserves to know she's being taken for a ride. Chances are she has an inkling of it already... But he's probably gaslighting the fuck out of her and making her think she's crazy and paranoid.

You don't know that she has no idea.

IF he is having an affair (and it is an IF) then his wife may well know. She may have an inkling, but for whatever reason isn't ready to face it yet.

You don't go meddling in someone else's life who you barely know, without knowing all the facts.

OP will not be thanked. People encouraging her to tell aren't really thinking of the OP. They aren't caring about the fall out she will likely face. It's just some drama for people reading it.

She is not your friend, mind your own business. Maybe she knows, maybe she doesn't want to know, maybe she doesn't want to know that other people know.

No, don’t get involved. It really isn’t any of your business. None whatsoever.

Don't give any frills, just straight to the point - "hey I saw Tom and Jess at XXXX Spa last month - I was looking out for you but didn't see you - was hoping to have a drink with you that night - are you free sometime this month?"

That is far from coming straight to the point. What it is, is hedging, skirting around the issue, and dropping salacious hints.

It's disingenuous and what's more it will be seen for precisely what it is. Would you appreciate anyone breaking bad news to you like this? I sure as hell wouldn't, and whilst I don't believe in shooting the messenger I would hold it against someone who tried this cheap trick on me.

Some of the advice on this thread is terrible. How about OP chooses to put her own wellbeing first, rather than that of mere colleagues and acquaintances whose goings on have precisely nothing to do with her? Suggesting it's not her burden but Tom's, and she'll only be able to discharge said burden by dumping what amounts to mere suspicion and gossip at his wife's door is, frankly, uncalled-for.

It's not the OP's burden, full stop.

@rachielou10

Are you Jess?

[quote Manolin]@rachielou10

Are you Jess?[/quote]
Eh? Why would she be?

@CandyLeBonBon If there's someone you could chat to at work confidentially op, that might help?

Sorry Candy, but bad advice - I think it's actually important she doesn't tell ANYONE at work about this sighting. The wife will end up being the last one to find out, which will be doubly painful.

@katy1213 - what is a friend? OP has not told ANYONE about this - so there's the proof it's nothing to do with superiority. You're not a victim of cheating I take it?

I'm normally in the "they should know" camp but on this one I really think you're opening yourself up for a lot of stress/grief at work for very little.

You've met her once, you're the perfect person she can turn her anger on to when he either admits it and begs for a second chance or when he denies it.

At work you're going to come up against both Tom and Jess and it's going to forever be uncomfortable at the very least, you'll probably have others who back them and make life difficult for you too, that's before any other more serious issues can arise.

As much as she deserves to know, I really don't think it's your place to tell her at this time, it's not even like you can do it anonymously because they will be sure it's you!

@msflibble

It's nothing to do with feeling morally superior and everything to do with empathy and considering how you'd want to be treated in the same situation.

This! Absolutely this!

Because she could be. Just asking. It would not be the first time someone has reversed. Or used MN to write a story.

If they saw you, then he's already had time to come up with the plausible excuse.

'Hey, conference is going well, boring as ever, really. Turns out somebody else from the office got sent up here, too, so we're all in the same hotel. Didn't expect that, but at least I don't have to stay in the room all evening now. Miss you and the kid loads xxx'

Are some of you seriously suggesting you'd be pissed off with the OP if she told you what she saw? Some of you need to grow up!