To tell his wife....

[rachielou10]

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

[quote Manolin]@rachielou10

Are you Jess?[/quote]
@Manolin

No

If I were Jess why would I be posting this scenario about telling Tom's wife?

How random of you to think that.

Could you just mention it to Jess? Say you saw them together at the hotel and had no idea Yom was no longer married. You could say you are very friendly with his wife and she’s never mentioned the split.

Tom

Are you Jess?

I agree this is a distinct possibility. For a supposed dispassionate bystander and colleague it has to be said there's an over-investment in this situation. Otherwise, why would it matter quite this much? And OW invariably get a bad rap on this site.

I would keep out of it.

I'd avoid seeing Tom and wife as a couple as far as possible and avoid Tom and Jess as much as you can at work. If they try and talk to you about it just tell them your not interested, don't want to get involved. Nothing good comes of getting involved in messy affairs of other peoples hearts.

Also this is all assuming wife dosn't know already, she could know, maybe they have an open relationship, maybe the marridge is more or less over. A few pictures on Facebook don't mean that much really.

@rachielou10

For reasons I have stated. Only asking. No need for raised eyebrows.

Random thinking has got me everywhere.

Tough one but I would tell her. I’ve been in the same position with my awful, abusive ex and wasn’t told. I could have saved a lot of wasted years.

@Manolin - you think she'd admit to it if she was? the question was asked to raise suspicion amongst the pps. It's called stirring.

[quote Manolin]@rachielou10

For reasons I have stated. Only asking. No need for raised eyebrows.

Random thinking has got me everywhere. [/quote]
@Manolin

Fair enough.

Raised eyebrows as it just seemed a strange thing to assume.

@PurpleFlower1983 - agreed - being a victim to this, she really should just get on with it and tell her and move on.

Of course it’s a moral judgement you do not agree that the husband is possibly having sex with someone other that his wife

It’s a moral judgement you have no idea if they have an open marriage, if she knows and turns a blind eye and so on It’s a judgement you have decided that he is in the wrong about

No one likes to see others hurt unless they are cruel but we help those we can support not go round thinking we can correct behaviour of those we disapprove of

Do you report dangerous driving, the builder who prefers to be paid cash in hand, the teacher that likes to smoke weed at the weekend

Is this touching on your own insecurities

you think she'd admit to it if she was?

Yes it's possible. For reasons stated. Rachel and Manolin and Venus Tiger are all fiction.

I'm not fiction @Manolin I'm here typing, I'm real and share real experiences on a forum. Not disclosing your real name doesn't make me made-up.
Strange.

@Billben

If I was the wife, I would want to know.

Maybe she does know. Maybe she wouldn’t want to know. Maybe she has chosen to turn a blind eye. Maybe maybe they both see other people. OP doesn’t know their situation. She met the wife once at a Christmas party so she needs to keep her nose out of work colleagues and strangers marriages.

If I spoke to a colleague of DH at his office Christmas party and then nine months later received a text from the colleague informing me DH was having an affair because she saw him having a meal with a colleague I would think they were an interfering busybody looking for some drama.

What's Tom like op? (Obviously apart from being a cheating dirtbag) Do you talk at all?

I would make my decision based on how nasty he is likely to get, as, and not to be dramatic, but you absolutely do not want to get yourself in the middle of something at all dangerous to your physical or mental health.

I do totally agree that I would want to know and would be devastated if I found out other people knew and I didn't.

I know some pp's have been totally against this but I think an anonymous letter is the way forward. She may have her doubts already, and it might be that it confirms things for her, and on the other hand If it's something she's ok with then she can just ignore the letter and they can get on with their lives doing their thing.

Alternatively you can contact HR and have a chat with someone there about it.

Sorry for terrible grammar 🤦🏻‍♀️

We could possibly work in the same place (although probably not🤣)

Although I am on maternity leave but around 8 months ago a similar thing was going on in our office...

Personally, I'd tell her.

I'd definitely want to be told if it was me, Tom is a bastard and she deserves better.

Ask yourself how you'd feel if it was the other way around and she hasn't told you?

@rachielou10 and all this time later, he's still getting away with it. I think after this discussion you need to settle in your mind if you can either tell her and it's done or can you forget all about it and move on - in my first post I suggested that you discontinue carrying this burden that isn't yours to carry - so can you do that? If you can't then just tell her (maybe as suggested in my second post) - because ultimately, you're going around in circles here - you obviously don't want to let this go - so try and make a decision today and stick to it and get on with life. Good luck OP.

Send me the wife's number, I'll text her and tell her then block her number. You stay out of it and she gets to know.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

Are you Jess?

I agree this is a distinct possibility. For a supposed dispassionate bystander and colleague it has to be said there's an over-investment in this situation. Otherwise, why would it matter quite this much? And OW invariably get a bad rap on this site.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

I'm slightly confused by this.

Maybe there's some reverse psychological thinking going on?

I'm not "overly" invested in this.

I genuinely feel stuck in something I don't want to be a part of.

One of the biggest reasons I have considered telling Tom's wife (other than that I just think a person has the right to know) is because I have met her!!

Like most other posters have said, we aren't "friends".
I've met her once, but we spent a lot of the evening talking and I really did like her.
She was such a lovely person, and she just doesn't deserve to be treated like this, no one does!

If it hadn't been for lockdown I think we probably would've become friends.

I'm in a situation now where I'm probably the only person in our office that will know for certain about their affair, which I do believe they are having.
The rest are just speculating based on their behaviour at last summers party and their constant lunching together.

I will eventually have to return to the office (we're all currently wfh) and I will have to see them both.

I'm assuming at some point in the future there will be work parties where partners are invited again, and I'd feel like I wouldn't be able to speak / catch up with her knowing what I have seen!!!

Maybe I am becoming too invested in this, I have given it a lot of thought over the last two weeks!!!

Nope, definitely don't mention it. As much as I'd love a cheater to be outed, it might make your work difficult for you, if you feel you really need to say something, then tell the man you felt uncomfortable seeing him out with the other woman knowing he has a wife.... She might not even leave him anyway, she might have her own suspicions and I'm sure she will find out anyway.... If you didn't work with the guy then I'd say send an anon letter or something but you have to much to loose by being the one to break the news. Not a nice situation for you and the other colleagues to be in though

You sound like a nice person with morals and empathy for another woman, regardless of if you are her friend or not, you don't like someone being treated shoddily and it's admirable.

Nothing to do with you, keep your mouth shut I say.

has tom left his wife to be with jess and now they are together?
is there any work policies about relationships?

Could it have been work?