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Original poster

To tell his wife....

694 replies

rachielou10 · 12/09/2020 09:54

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

OP posts:
katy1213 · 12/09/2020 12:31

It's none of your business what your colleagues get up to in their spare time.

Oysterbabe · 12/09/2020 12:31

Just keep it factual OP.
You don't know if there's anything going on but you do know that you saw them together. I would send her a message asking how she is and mention that you saw Tom and Jess at the hotel whenever it was. Leave her to do with that information what she will.

VenusTiger · 12/09/2020 12:31

Guilt is for when you've done something wrong @rachielou10 - Tom is in the wrong - affair or not, they stayed in that hotel together - that's weird - night time professional meeting - what for?
You didn't see them at breakfast because they know you know and so avoided breakfast altogether.
Please consider telling the wife - she's living a lie and that's totally unfair. If it turns out to be innocent (which is doubtful) then at least you've not made an allegation of cheating, all you've done is pass on factual info. to his wife. It's up to her and Tom to sort out the fallout.
Don't be on Tom's side, be on your new friend's side. Tell her.

CoronaIsShit · 12/09/2020 12:33

FGS tell the poor woman OP. It’s not as if you don’t even know her.

You’ve got her number and planned to meet for lunch so doing what PPs suggested in calling her and saying you saw her DH recently and you remembered you were going to meet for lunch so wondered if she was up for it now is plausible. Assuming that you haven’t seen the DH at work for the whole of lockdown? If she asks where and who with tell her. Tell her she seemed like such a lovely person when you met her and you think it’s disgusting what her husband is doing behind her back.

I wouldn’t worry about getting into trouble with the pair of shits at work. They deserve all the humiliation they get and if it was common knowledge already, I’m sure most people will agree with what you did.

I’m another one who can’t believe the amount of posters saying mind your business. Makes you wonder if they are the sort who would walk on by someone being beaten and robbed in the street! It’s a basic human emotion, to not want to see fellow humans being treated badly and intervene to stop that, obviously those posters are lacking in thatHmm.

VenusTiger · 12/09/2020 12:34

@katy1213 you're right......but, she made a friend of the colleague's wife. A friend katy.

Original poster
rachielou10 · 12/09/2020 12:35

@JJsDinerWaffles

I’m assuming you don’t know Tom or Jess well enough to confront either of them?

Well I saw them every day (when we were in the office)
But I don't have contact with them outside of work (except for when a few of us would have drinks on a Friday after work)

I have thought about confronting him/her but since I'm not in the office I'd have to call them and I don't have their numbers.
I don't fancy sending an email as it would be a work email. Confused

OP posts:
WitchDancer · 12/09/2020 12:37

Many years ago my partner was cheating on me with a girl in the office. Everyone knew apart from me, which added to the devastation when I did find out. I would go for the indirect telling as suggested up thread - a message saying you saw x at y hotel and it made you think of her. If she wants more information then she can ask you for it.

It's a horrible situation to be in, but I feel you should tell her.

iMatter · 12/09/2020 12:38

The good news is that Tom will be shitting himself now

However he may also have come up with a bullshit story and fed it to her already (Jess had to come on the trip, you're a gossip/trouble maker/in love with him blah blah)

VenusTiger · 12/09/2020 12:38

Get it over with @rachielou10 so you can get on with your life and drop this burden that's not yours to carry - it's Tom's. You know it's the right thing to do. Don't give any frills, just straight to the point - "hey I saw Tom and Jess at XXXX Spa last month - I was looking out for you but didn't see you - was hoping to have a drink with you that night - are you free sometime this month?"

sqirrelfriends · 12/09/2020 12:38

I would find it really hard to keep my mouth shut about this but would really worry about any possible repercussions at work, he would probably know it was you.

Original poster
rachielou10 · 12/09/2020 12:39

@CoronaIsShit

It’s a basic human emotion, to not want to see fellow humans being treated badly and intervene to stop that

Absolutely!!!!

OP posts:
iMatter · 12/09/2020 12:41

@VenusTiger

Get it over with *@rachielou10* so you can get on with your life and drop this burden that's not yours to carry - it's Tom's. You know it's the right thing to do. Don't give any frills, just straight to the point - "hey I saw Tom and Jess at XXXX Spa last month - I was looking out for you but didn't see you - was hoping to have a drink with you that night - are you free sometime this month?"

Agreed

AlwaysCheddar · 12/09/2020 12:43

You could get someone to call the wife, pretend to be from the hotel asking if they left something behind.....

Original poster
rachielou10 · 12/09/2020 12:44

@VenusTiger

Don't give any frills, just straight to the point - "hey I saw Tom and Jess at XXXX Spa last month - I was looking out for you but didn't see you - was hoping to have a drink with you that night - are you free sometime this month?"

Maybe I could send this as

hey I saw Tom at XXXX Spa last month - I was looking out for you but didn't see you - was hoping to have a drink with you that night - are you free sometime this month?

Then she could confront him?

OP posts:
sammylady37 · 12/09/2020 12:45

Tom is in the wrong - affair or not, they stayed in that hotel together - that's weird - night time professional meeting - what for?
You didn't see them at breakfast because they know you know and so avoided breakfast altogether.
Please consider telling the wife - she's living a lie and that's totally unfair. If it turns out to be innocent (which is doubtful) then at least you've not made an allegation of cheating, all you've done is pass on factual info. to his wife

Except, if she says what you’ve said in your post, she hasn’t just passed on factual info. You’ve added bits to the factual story that are complete fabrication- nobody knows for a fact if they stayed together in that hotel and that they deliberately avoided breakfast to avoid the op. That’s conjecture, and not factual at all.

Scotslass84 · 12/09/2020 12:46

Stay well away from this.
It might seem that morally you are doing the right thing by telling her but you don't know them well enough to know reactions or the consequences of setting the cat amongst the pigeons. Many people are aware of what goes on or have their suspicions and choose to let it slide for a variety of reasons. It's genuinely not your place to impose on a family and potentially break them, it sounds like he's doing a good enough job of that himself.

If you haven't spoken to her in 6 months then it wasn't a friendship, it was an acquaintance and you are only creating drama for everyone. You will regret it.

MyNameHasBeenTaken · 12/09/2020 12:54

Hi "wife"
I was out in Chester the other week and saw a man who was the spitting image of your tom haha.
Anyway it reminded me to say hello and see how you are all doing as we haven't spoken for a while.

See what response you get and take it from there?
She responds ... tom? Not been with him for a while. Then leave it.
She replies oh yes, could well have been Tom, he is always out. I often wonder if he is with someone else? Then you can tell her.

Mumtwoboys90 · 12/09/2020 12:56

I'd tell her 100% I would hope someone would tell me if it was happening to me. Or twll him your going to unless he does. Poor her

CatSmith · 12/09/2020 13:00

Play the innocent card. Text her saying it was lovely to see her husband at the spa. Shame he didn’t have time to chat though, and your sorry you didn’t see her there but not that you’d have intruded on their time with their other friends Jess and??
I’d want to know if my husband was taking someone else away.

ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN · 12/09/2020 13:01

This thread shows exactly why

It’s become such a drama of yours that is nothing to do with you

There will likely be other affairs going on in your office are you going to report everyone you find out about

And HR will have no interest what next report them to the local vicar, MP out them on local radio

VenusTiger · 12/09/2020 13:03

@sammylady37 - that's to the OP not to Tom's wife.

VenusTiger · 12/09/2020 13:06

@rachielou10

VenusTiger

Don't give any frills, just straight to the point - "hey I saw Tom and Jess at XXXX Spa last month - I was looking out for you but didn't see you - was hoping to have a drink with you that night - are you free sometime this month?"

Maybe I could send this as

hey I saw Tom at XXXX Spa last month - I was looking out for you but didn't see you - was hoping to have a drink with you that night - are you free sometime this month?

Then she could confront him?

----------

Personally, I think it's important you mention Jess - and that it's a casual statement like I put - as Tom may have told his wife he had a conference in that very spa.

Cam2020 · 12/09/2020 13:06

*Maybe I could send this as

hey I saw Tom at XXXX Spa last month - I was looking out for you but didn't see you - was hoping to have a drink with you that night - are you free sometime this month?

Then she could confront him?*

Yes, exactly.

welshladywhois40 · 12/09/2020 13:07

What is your works policy on relationships - they might not make much noise as they both might out of a job. Where I am one would have to leave

VenusTiger · 12/09/2020 13:08

The whole point to the text is to mention her husband having dinner with another woman. That's the whole point. You can't leave Jess out of it.

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