To tell his wife....

[rachielou10]

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

@VinylDetective

At least op will know she passed on the information

And that will benefit her how? Other than to make her feel smug and self righteous? Only two people know what’s going on in a marriage and nobody else should meddle.

@VinylDetective

Oh that's very unfair.

None of this would make me feel smug / self righteous.

It's an awful situation to be wife.

I just cannot help but feel very sorry for his wife.

None of this is going to benefit me.

It's rather that I like to think of myself as a decent human being and that I should always do the right thing.

However, I don't know what the right thing is to do here!

@BlueRabbitWasNaughty

But maybe they are just friends - or is that just being naive?

Could you text her saying something like

'Saw Tom out in Chester the other night and it reminded me of you...just wanted to say hi and hope you're surviving this crazy year!'

If she asks more, you can tell her but at least you've told her something (after all, maybe she knows they were out together).

I like this idea!

I like to think of myself as a decent human being and that I should always do the right thing

The right thing here is to mind your own business. Your indignation at my “unfairness” indicates to me that you know that.

@Shouldershrugger

Also, if you felt bad at that time when you saw them bastards, why didn't you say anything to them, then? Didnt have to be confrontational but just a simple, what you guys doing here, would've sufficed.

@Shouldershrugger

Hmmm, I probably should have.
But I think I already knew what they were doing there.

As I've said in my previous post, it's a hotel/spa, well hidden.
I doubt many people would just call in for a meal. It's an odd place to meet for dinner. In my opinion anyway.

Either tell her anonymously or keep quiet. I would wait some time before telling her though, as if you've just seen them then it will be obvious it has come from you. Wait a month/six weeks then send an anonymous message. Of course Tom and Jess will still probably know it's come from you but it's less obvious you can feign innocence if needed so your job can't be affected.

Since she's not a close friend it's not worth risking your job over and causing yourself hassle and stress at work.

I think it is a difficult one- I’m sure most people would want to know. On the other hand, you are not a close friend and you don’t know her well. Perhaps she knows and has chosen to make her peace with it. Or she may well in blissful ignorance. But either way, you are making a very definite intervention in someone;s life- someone you barely know, and so have no way of knowing how she might respond/be affected by a message like that via text.

I would say that if you are going to do it, perhaps phone her. Texting is the cowards way out.

If you do tell her, I think you should probably be prepared for her not to believe you- people often shoot the messenger. And he has had time to work out a yarn to spin her, as he knows you know. And yes, probably be prepared for friction at work. It’s not like he can do anything to you, but he could cause friction. And other people may takes sides (not necessarily his) if they find out you told his wife, creating more issues at work.

@EarringsandLipstick

Everything Bluntness said

Of course the wife deserves to know, it's horrible for her. But it's not your role to tell her - you don't really know her, you're not a close friend / family that she can absolutely trust, and there's the work involvement.

Unless her H us utterly thick he'll have found a story to tell regarding your sighting of him to cover his ass in the eventuality that you might say something.

I agree.

@VinylDetective

I like to think of myself as a decent human being and that I should always do the right thing

The right thing here is to mind your own business. Your indignation at my “unfairness” indicates to me that you know that.

@VinylDetective

Sorry to speak out of turn here, but I'm wondering if you've either been in a similar situation that didn't end well, or you have been told your partner has been unfaithful?

I know it's not necessarily my business, but surely you have some empathy for his wife!

I would actually speak to HR and ask their advice. You have concerns about your job

Do do this.

What an awkward position.
If it was you, you would want to know but of course she may not even believe you.
Perhaps talk to him, tell him it's not fair on her and that he needs to tell her.
If you do it you will be made out to be the bad guy!

MENU

TalkAIBU?

FirstPrevNextLast7

To tell his wife....158

OP’s posts:See all

Show OP

Today 11:58Shouldershrugger

Also, if you felt bad at that time when you saw them bastards, why didn't you say anything to them, then? Didnt have to be confrontational but just a simple, what you guys doing here, would've sufficed.

Today 11:58rachielou10

VinylDetective

At least op will know she passed on the information

And that will benefit her how? Other than to make her feel smug and self righteous? Only two people know what’s going on in a marriage and nobody else should meddle.

@VinylDetective

Oh that's very unfair.

None of this would make me feel smug / self righteous.

It's an awful situation to be wife.

I just cannot help but feel very sorry for his wife.

None of this is going to benefit me.

It's rather that I like to think of myself as a decent human being and that I should always do the right thing.

However, I don't know what the right thing is to do here!

OP’s posts:See next|See all

Today 11:59Toilenstripes

BlueRabbitWasNaughty

But maybe they are just friends - or is that just being naive?

Could you text her saying something like

'Saw Tom out in Chester the other night and it reminded me of you...just wanted to say hi and hope you're surviving this crazy year!'

If she asks more, you can tell her but at least you've told her something (after all, maybe she knows they were out together).

I like this idea!

THIS

Well, you have spread this story around on MN now. It's non of your business, so keep this to yourself in real life. The people concerned know what they are doing. It's wrong to get involved in other peoples chosen situations.

I have great empathy for his wife, OP. I really wouldn’t want to know if my bloke was cheating on me. And I’d be bloody livid if some random I’d met once interfered in my marriage. You have absolutely no idea how their marriage works or how she might feel, why would you want to kick the hornets’ nest to reinforce your view that you’re a good person? It makes no odds to you.

@LimitIsUp

I would actually speak to HR and ask their advice. You have concerns about your job

Do do this.

Don’t do this. She only has concerns about her job if she goes wading into a colleagues marriage.

If I was hr I’d ask

Do you know for sure they are having an affair
Do you know if the wife knows
Do you know if the wife wishes to know
Will you tell your colleagues Tom and Jess you’re going to tell her?
Do you know how they will react, any of them to you being involved?

If the answer to all or any of these are no, then you should think carefully and if you find that your colleagues or their wife makes a formal complaint about you we will need to investigate your behaviour. We cannot advise you on what you wish to do, other than if you have concerns I’d speak to the colleagues first.

@1forAll74

Well, you have spread this story around on MN now. It's non of your business, so keep this to yourself in real life. The people concerned know what they are doing. It's wrong to get involved in other peoples chosen situations.

Locations and names have been changed.

I doubt anyone would ever be able to trace back to "Tom & Jess"

When I was in the same situation I told the wife.....I had seen her husband kissing another woman.
She was devastated and angry but thanked me for letting her know, she said she'd much rather than than have everyone know/talk behind her back.
Her husband tried to say I was lying but she believed me.
I barely knew her but I know she is now divorced and her/her children are much happier by all accounts.

I think, on balance, I would probably not say anything though. If someone I barely knew told me my husband was cheating I don’t think it would take much to convince me they were lying for their own reasons. If a good friend told me, I’d be much more likely to listen. People often go with the version that they want to be the truth, no matter what their suspicions- because it is easier. It may the trigger for her to look at things differently, you never know.

Also, what if you are wrong? I know it’s very suspicious, and I think it’s stretching credulity that they would be doing anything other than having an affair. But still, if you throw a grenade into someone’s life I’d want to be sure and know that I was doing the right thing.

Finally, if she doesn’t believe you (and you have no evidence, really) I would consider whether he might make a complaint (or she might) that you had been spreading malicious rumours about them. It really could cause some issues for you. Or perhaps just friction at work, as he may well not complain.

I understand the motivation, but you are leaving yourself open to a fair bit of trouble.

*As a PP said, you could do it anonymously through another phone number so she can choose to ignore that or respond if she wants to know more. "I believe your husband is cheating on you with Jess from work, I understand if you don't want to hear any more, but if you would like the details, please contact me back. I've sent this anonymously so you can choose to ignore if you wish"

She really, really deserves to know. She deserves better*

Agree with this

@VinylDetective

I have great empathy for his wife, OP. I really wouldn’t want to know if my bloke was cheating on me. And I’d be bloody livid if some random I’d met once interfered in my marriage. You have absolutely no idea how their marriage works or how she might feel, why would you want to kick the hornets’ nest to reinforce your view that you’re a good person? It makes no odds to you.

@VinylDetective

Okay then perhaps we're just seeing this from our own perspectives.

You wouldn't want to know if your partner was unfaithful.
I most definitely would.

I guess none of us know what Tom's wife would want. Hence the difficulty in this situation.

I wouldn't. She's not your friend, just an acquaintance. I don't think it's wise to get involved.

I agree with everyone who has suggested texting and saying ‘oh I saw your husband out at xxx place and it reminded me we still haven’t had that coffee. How’s things?’ Or something along those lines. I’m assuming you don’t know Tom or Jess well enough to confront either of them?

@VinylDetective

why would you want to kick the hornets’ nest to reinforce your view that you’re a good person?

I think you have misinterpreted my statement about me being a "decent human being"

I'm not implying that by telling her it will prove I'm a good person, because equally, not telling her could also been seen to make me a good person.

Not sure why someone wouldn't want to know that their husband was having an affair?

You should definitely give her the option OP. You can't not. She deserves to know that her husband has been massively flirting with someone else and been seen in a hidden away hotel together.

I agree with some of the posters on here suggesting that you say that you saw him in Chester and it reminded you to text her. Don't do it anon.

It's awful but I'd suggest you don't involve yourself and stop thinking about it. No-one is going to thank you. And you'll be working in an office every week with two people who detest you, and their office friends who may take their side and think you interfered when it was not your business to. You want to take on all that ball-ache for a near stranger you may never see again?

If you want to do anything, go and talk to the HR department or your immediate boss and ask their opinion. But they probably won't get involved unless there are rules against workplace relationships.

I agree with a PP. Speak to Tom and tell him if he doesn't tell her you will. Tom and Jess are two pieces of shit.