To tell his wife....

[rachielou10]

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

Precisely. Since when did other people’s marriages and relationships become public property in the workplace?

I suspect since Tom got all touchy feely with a colleague at the work party Assuming of course he's an adult capable of controlling his behaviour.

But since you've been tying yourself in knots to defend Tom and his actions, maybe I'll accept that you've convinced me the OP should say nothing as regardless of groping his colleague at a work function, it's impolite to discuss Tom's actions and despite him acting all shifty when spotted by the OP the odds are that he's actually been totally honest with his wife and she's consented to an open marriage, and even if he hasn't she's probably blissfully ignorant and would rather live with her lying cheating husband than know the truth. Yeah all that is probably true.

Sure it is.

I’m neither tying myself in knots nor defending Tom. My stance couldn’t be simpler: OP should mind her own business, this is nothing to do with her.

@VinylDetective

I’m neither tying myself in knots nor defending Tom. My stance couldn’t be simpler: OP should mind her own business, this is nothing to do with her.

Well why didn't you simply say that? Instead of proposing increasingly unlikely alternative scenarios and personally attacking my moral character? It would have made it much easier to take you seriously.

Well why didn't you simply say that? Instead of proposing increasingly unlikely alternative scenarios and personally attacking my moral character?

Because we weren’t discussing that. We were discussing your inability to understand why anyone would prefer not to have their nose rubbed in their partner’s infidelity.

Your moral character has never been mentioned, I have certainly made it clear I don’t care for your supercilious attitude.

Please tell her, I was the "wife" and a frond I hadn't heard from in ages called me to tell me and actually sent a photo or I would never have believed it. It broke me but in the long run was the best thing for me. It would have been awful to be the last one to find out 100 times worse.

If I learned that people knew my husband was having an affair and they chose not to tell me, I would never forgive them.

Well, given that this woman is a virtual stranger to the OP (they met once at a works do), that is neither here noR there

How about phoning up the hotel as Jess and asking for a duplicate invoice to be sent. Get it sent to your address. Remove the envelope. Readdress it to Mrs Tom and post it through her via the post (all the better if you can post it in Chester). Then she'll have the evidence and start questioning Tom. Because I'll bet it was booked in his name. Yes I know that is going to ridiculously long lengths to hide the messenger whilst providing cast iron proof. It's the kindest and most straightforward way of her finding out.

Or how about getting a life and stop making other people’s lives your own personal drama?

Has no one suggested op following Tom and taking photos so she has evidence

We have had anonymous letters, anonymous texts, use a burner phones (someone has been watching The Wire), sending a chit chat text dropping hints, confronting Tom and Jess, informing HR,

Can those goading the op that she needs to do something to save his wife not see how ridiculous dramatic this has all become

I think in this case leave it.
You're not friends with the wife - if you were then I 100% would tell, but you're not.

I hope the OP has the good sense not to return to this thread and its soap opera followers.
It reminds me of those ghastly 'zilla' threads where people get completely carried away with the drama and lose any iota of intelligence they may have at one time possessed.

@sammylady37

I suspect based on my limited knowledge of human behaviour that if Tom and Mrs Tom has an open and honest agreement, he'd have mentioned that rather than being obviously shifty and uncomfortable. If that were the case he'd have nothing to hide

Or maybe Tom doesn’t want his gossipy work colleague knowing the finer details of his marriage and wouldn’t say anything at all?

Exactly this.

Working with someone and being acquainted with the spouse does not give one purview to meddle. Back off and stop gossiping.

@rachielou10 I can't help you op - as a wife, I would want to know..... BUT would I thank you for it?
I've always used the following motto "if in doubt, do nowt" so maybe there's your answer x

Hi , ran into & at the spa at . Haven't talked to you in a bit hows lockdown been?

Leave it open for her to question or ignore

I just cannot help but feel so, so sorry for his wife!*

Yes, I'm sure we all feel the same. Of course.

However ...

Calling this would be an act of immense responsibility. You may be wrong - in which case you'll be causing untold damage and upset to a family, unnecessarily. You may be right, in which case you'll decimate all their lives.

I know that he is the person effectively doing this, or not, but you would be the one actually taking the decision to drop the bomb on them.

And is that your place?

I think that's why people here are feeling uncomfortable about your role and motives.

Personally I think you're unaware of quite how you are playing with fire. I'm not sure you've ever had someone be unfaithful to you, or seen the potential fallout on a family, on someone else's child.

You would be taking a decision to change the lives of several people forever. And either way, you'd be opening them up to extraordinary hurt. Which will never be able to be erased.

It is such an immense decision, and you are nobody in their lives. It is a very personal situation. If you were a sister or mother or close friend, you would have more reason/right to get involved. But I think as a total stranger, you should stay out of this.

Perhaps he is having an affair. Perhaps he is infatuated. But as you observed, his wife is lovely and they seem very happy together. It is a definite possibility that whatever he feels for this other woman may fizzle out over time. And his wife and child be blissfully unaware.

I would not take the risk with their happiness. It is not your place to take this decision.

Your sense of 'right' is one thing. But apart from the fact that you may not be right about what's happening, you also don't have the right to wade into others' lives like this.

My advice would be to back off and not get involved. In the nicest possible way, leave them to their own marriage and lives.

This is not your life or your decision.

That's my heartfelt advice. 💐

I'm sure this must have been suggested already but didn't see on a quick skim read of the thread. Anyway how about contacting Tom or Jess separately, not by work email? Something along the lines of how sad you were to see it looks like the rumours must be true, and how you planned to have coffee with Mrs Tom but would find this difficult without spilling the beans to the poor woman.

@MyOtherProfile

I'm sure this must have been suggested already but didn't see on a quick skim read of the thread. Anyway how about contacting Tom or Jess separately, not by work email? Something along the lines of how sad you were to see it looks like the rumours must be true, and how you planned to have coffee with Mrs Tom but would find this difficult without spilling the beans to the poor woman.

And what if they say what rumours? And become outraged? And go to hr because of the unprofessional accusation?

What’s the op going to do then? How’s she going to explain her behaviour and that she isn’t behaving maliciously?

I just don’t understand these suggestions. For every action there is a reaction. Giving advice saying do x y or z is only fine if you then think of what the other side will then do.

In th above email scenario you’d have to be very naive to think Tom and Jess are going to take the accusation and think oh dear our bad, more likely they will come out fighting.

There is very little the op can do here that is not going to provoke a reaction either from Tom and Jess or his wife. And assuming that reaction will only be positive and benign is just silly. As is not countenancing the fact actually they might not be having an affair and might just be very good friends,

Some of these replies are awful.
Sorry you've had to put up with them, OP.

Fwiw I would definitely tell his wife.
Even sending a message like Venus suggested.
All these comments about how it could affect their son etc are not your concern! That is his doing. He is the one cheating, he is already affecting his son.

Ignore the vipers!

No I wouldn't get involved. If it was a close friend, then yes but you barely know her. And this is someone you work with, you don't want to be accused of causing trouble at work.

@VinylDetective

Well why didn't you simply say that? Instead of proposing increasingly unlikely alternative scenarios and personally attacking my moral character?

Because we weren’t discussing that. We were discussing your inability to understand why anyone would prefer not to have their nose rubbed in their partner’s infidelity.

Your moral character has never been mentioned, I have certainly made it clear I don’t care for your supercilious attitude.

And yet you spent your entire evening responding personally to my posts. Seems a weird way to spend your leisure time if you find me so objectionable...

Some of these replies are awful. especially the ones suggesting the OP pose as Jess to ring the hotel/get a burner phone/start the gossip going among the colleagues.

Yes, you’re right, some of those responses are particularly awful.

I suspect that most people have lost sight of the fact that these are actual people here and not the storyline for some kind of soap opera.

And anyone who would actually think to do the above isn’t someone most normal people would want as a friend because no-one would want to know someone who would go to those lengths to be over invested in other people’s lives.

I think you should tell her, what if she wastes another 10+ years of her life with this cheating scumbag. It’s utterly humiliating to be cheated on and even worse if people know and don’t tell you! If you can’t tell her personally then do it anonymously, why should he get away with it? Can’t believe how many people on here would rather not know if their DH was cheating

All these comments about how it could affect their son etc are not your concern! That is his doing. He is the one cheating, he is already affecting his son.Ignore the vipers!

Really? Because this comment is as viperish as it gets, she doesn’t know he is cheating, she is guessing, and she shouldn’t give a toss about the son, she should just guess and wade in there ?

Yeah, that’s not viperish at all

I honestly think telling her is unwise. She might be in the camp if “I’d want to know”. She might not believe you though- I’m not sure I’d believe someone I met once via my husband’s work. Especially without proof (however odd it would be for you to make it up, given you seem to have nothing to gain- but people do odd things). And if Tom was up to no good, as seems likely, then he has now had 2 weeks to concoct a believable story. This could even up with all sorts of problems for OP, regardless of their relative positions with the employment hierarchy of their workplace. Especially as OP has no proof- only her word vs his/theirs. Some employers would not look kindly on employees interfering in others private lives or causing friction at work.

I also think OP should think carefully about why she would be telling tom’s wife. Is it up salve her conscience or because she thinks it is the best thing for this woman? And if it’s the latter, I don’t think she can be sure if it is or not- because she barely knows her and knows nothing about her situation or what is going on in her life right now. It might be that being told if OP’s suspicions confirms what she suspects. But what if she was in the position of at least one poster who was very glad that someone who knew her recognised that because she was unwell/vulnerable that it was not the right time to tell her? That poster has said that she feels that had she been told the instant her relative/friend found out that it would have caused her very significant problems. She might even have stayed because she was In no state to make any other decision. But because it was someone who knew her well and knew the situation she was in, her friend was able to make the right call. OP has no idea what is going on in this woman’s life, no idea what the implications are and no idea whether she’s be causing harm or not.

I think not telling someone who you barely know that you suspect her husband is having an affair is not causing harm. If any harm comes, it is being done by Tom, not OP.

In balance, I think it is more sensible to mind your own business, OP. Though I can see why you might feel she has a right know what you suspect- especially if you feel you would prefer that to be done for you, in your current circumstances.

All those saying "if it was my husband, I'd want to know" are massively projecting their own lives onto this situation, on the assumptions that:

1. Tom's wife believes they are happily married
2. Tom and Jess are having a clandestine affair about which Tom's wife is oblivious
3. If the above were true, Tom's wife would want to know
4. Given the above, OP should inform Tom's wife as the morally right thing to do.

We definitely don't know 1 is true, we aren't even clearly sure that 2 is true. We have no idea about 3. Given that OP barely knows Tom's wife, just has her phone number (is it even the same number 6 months later?!) I'm not even sure, if 1 and 2 and 3 were irrefutably true, that 4 would also be true.

That's before we consider that OP works with Tom and Jess and potentially has a lot at risk herself by getting involved.

It's pretty clear to me that OP needs to keep out of a situation she barely understands.