To tell his wife....

[rachielou10]

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

@VinylDetective

It’s not dishonesty if both parties agree that sexual fidelity isn’t required and would prefer to remain in ignorance of the other’s peccadilloes.

No that would fall into the category of an open relationship as I've already mentioned below. But that doesn't seem to be the situation that this thread or PP have described so not sure how relevant it is....

Also I wouldn't describe such affairs as peccadilloes if honestly agreed in advance. But like I said, agreement on every point isn't necessary in a discussion thread

If I learned that people knew my husband was having an affair and they chose not to tell me, I would never forgive them.

Really? Would I be angry if my best friend had seen my husband with his tongue down someone’s throat and hadn’t told me? Definitely. A colleague of my husband I’d met at one party? I doubt I’d be swearing eternal vengeance.

No that would fall into the category of an open relationship as I've already mentioned below

So it might well be that those people you’ve been so patronising about because they’d prefer not to know fall into that category. Nobody knows whether Tom and Mrs Tom do either.

@StillCoughingandLaughing

If I learned that people knew my husband was having an affair and they chose not to tell me, I would never forgive them.

Really? Would I be angry if my best friend had seen my husband with his tongue down someone’s throat and hadn’t told me? Definitely. A colleague of my husband I’d met at one party? I doubt I’d be swearing eternal vengeance.

No one's swearing eternal vengeance. But I could never forgive them - that's a different thing. I could never feel friendly with them.

I really think the best suggestion of this whole thread was the person who suggested the OP text the wife and say she and her husband were sorry they didn't have a chance to say hi to Tom when saw him at xyz hotel last weekend. Perhaps we can all go out for a drink soon?

Or similar.
Just the facts. No gossip. No tension.

Thank you for letting me know I have a right to an opinion. My opinion is that you should check yourself before effectively commenting on how pathetic are people who wouldn't want to know in these circumstances. It's very disingenuous to pretend that your "sad" and "takes all sorts" weren't sneers when they clearly were.

Some people don't want to know. You don't have to understand that or like it but it's not something for others to judge.

@VinylDetective

No that would fall into the category of an open relationship as I've already mentioned below

So it might well be that those people you’ve been so patronising about because they’d prefer not to know fall into that category. Nobody knows whether Tom and Mrs Tom do either.

I suspect based on my limited knowledge of human behaviour that if Tom and Mrs Tom has an open and honest agreement, he'd have mentioned that rather than being obviously shifty and uncomfortable. If that were the case he'd have nothing to hide. And in that case OP would definitely have nothing to lose as Mrs Tom would be fully consenting to his behaviour. So either way my original point stands that OP should tell her.

But that clearly isn't that case for the PP below regardless of how much you try and move the goalposts. Sorry if I've lost it - but what exactly is your point? Aside from me being a terrible human being? Or are you simply still banging that drum?

Also you might want to review your use of patronising along with peccadilloes.
To paraphrase someone far wittier than me: You keep using that word, but I do not think it means what you think it means.
(And for clarity yes, that was patronising!)

It's also pretty sad that at least 2 people on this thread would rather risk their sexual health and stay with a deceitful, disrespectful, faithless, lying cheat than deal with reality.But I guess it takes all sorts.
If someone like the OP told me this info I wouldn't entertain it. If it was a close friend then that would be different. The OP is a shit stirrer.

Leave it. You’re not close enough to her to tell her and you have to work with him. Just forget you ever saw them

Leave it. You’re not close enough to her to tell her and you have to work with him. Just forget you ever saw them Exactly

@ShebaShimmyShake

Thank you for letting me know I have a right to an opinion. My opinion is that you should check yourself before effectively commenting on how pathetic are people who wouldn't want to know in these circumstances. It's very disingenuous to pretend that your "sad" and "takes all sorts" weren't sneers when they clearly were.

Some people don't want to know. You don't have to understand that or like it but it's not something for others to judge.

Ok so I think that we all have a right to an opinion, but you think that I don't have the right to post my opinion on a discussion board because you're intent on misunderstanding me?

And you're calling previous posters 'pathetic' - a word I never used, and yet attributing that word and an unkind intent to me.

So essentially I shouldn't say anything but if I do, you'll choose to misunderstand it and attribute things I've never said to me in order to uphold your point that I'm a terrible person.

Gosh that does sound complicated...

@derxa

It's also pretty sad that at least 2 people on this thread would rather risk their sexual health and stay with a deceitful, disrespectful, faithless, lying cheat than deal with reality.But I guess it takes all sorts. If someone like the OP told me this info I wouldn't entertain it. If it was a close friend then that would be different. The OP is a shit stirrer.

Or someone with decent morals who thinks another human being deserves not to waste her life on a deceitful, shitty husband. It seems pretty unfair to slander the OP when she's been pretty clear her concern is for the wife.

I suspect based on my limited knowledge of human behaviour that if Tom and Mrs Tom has an open and honest agreement, he'd have mentioned that rather than being obviously shifty and uncomfortable

You’re right, you experience of human behaviour is limited if you think he would go into detail about the nature of his marriage with OP. It’s none of her business. Once again, because I obviously didn’t make it clear enough, his wife might prefer not to know, it’s not up to some random who doesn’t know her to make that decision on her behalf.

I know perfectly well what patronising means, you’re the definition of it. As well as condescending and rude.

I think you’re getting some pretty harsh responses op.

Most people would want to know if they were being cheated on right? Therefore you’d like to think I’d tell the wife in that position. However, for various reasons you’ve stayed quiet so far and you feel guilty. It makes you feel like a bad person.

Don’t feel too guilty op, Tom and Jess are shits and you are not responsible for their affair.

Honestly I don’t think you’ll get any help from Mumsnet, just a bunch of ‘stay quiet’/‘tell her’ responses, and some completely unnecessary insults that are just going to make you feel worse .

How about phoning up the hotel as Jess and asking for a duplicate invoice to be sent. Get it sent to your address. Remove the envelope. Readdress it to Mrs Tom and post it through her via the post (all the better if you can post it in Chester). Then she'll have the evidence and start questioning Tom. Because I'll bet it was booked in his name. Yes I know that is going to ridiculously long lengths to hide the messenger whilst providing cast iron proof. It's the kindest and most straightforward way of her finding out.

@VinylDetective

I suspect based on my limited knowledge of human behaviour that if Tom and Mrs Tom has an open and honest agreement, he'd have mentioned that rather than being obviously shifty and uncomfortable

You’re right, you experience of human behaviour is limited if you think he would go into detail about the nature of his marriage with OP. It’s none of her business. Once again, because I obviously didn’t make it clear enough, his wife might prefer not to know, it’s not up to some random who doesn’t know her to make that decision on her behalf.

I know perfectly well what patronising means, you’re the definition of it. As well as condescending and rude.

Interesting isn't it how the posters on this thread claiming the moral high ground are the ones throwing the insults around? Odd contradiction.

I'm afraid you are a little unclear - is your argument that T&T are in an honest open relationship and thus no harm done (if OP tells wife) or that wife is ignorant of his infidelity (in which case she can't be consenting to it and so it falls in the category of dishonest and deceitful).

I'm confused because you seem to be simultaneously saying that she could have consented to him having an affair of which she is entirely ignorant.
I'm interested how you can consent to a situation you're unaware of?

You’d like to think you would tell the wife*

I would believe you and would be asking my husband a lot of questions and wouldn't blame you at all. I would have no reason not to trust you as a married woman yourself so wouldn't suspect you had any nasty intentions other than a friendly warning

Ehh, because married women never have affairs?? Such ‘logic’ 🙄

If I had worked with the bloke a fair while then I would probably straight out say you were really shocked to see him with her and that it's none of your business but that having spent time with your wife and liking and respecting her that you would hope there is nothing going on and that if there is that he should really think things through and decide to either end things immediately or he needs to speak to his wife and tell the truth if he doesn't want to be with her

You should have stopped after acknowledging it’s none of your business. Do you really think the man just hasn’t thought things through and ended either his marriage or the (supposed) affair and all he needs is a quiet word from a colleague (not friend) to make him do the right thing?

his wife might prefer not to know, it’s not up to some random who doesn’t know her to make that decision on her behalf.

But she might not. If you don't tell her you're simply making the alternative decision on her behalf. This argument cuts equally both ways.

How about phoning up the hotel as Jess and asking for a duplicate invoice to be sent. Get it sent to your address. Remove the envelope. Readdress it to Mrs Tom and post it through her via the post (all the better if you can post it in Chester). Then she'll have the evidence and start questioning Tom. Because I'll bet it was booked in his name. Yes I know that is going to ridiculously long lengths to hide the messenger whilst providing cast iron proof. It's the kindest and most straightforward way of her finding out

It’s actually neither kind nor straightforward. It’s all very dramatic and cloak and dagger though. And cowardly.

I suspect based on my limited knowledge of human behaviour that if Tom and Mrs Tom has an open and honest agreement, he'd have mentioned that rather than being obviously shifty and uncomfortable. If that were the case he'd have nothing to hide

Or maybe Tom doesn’t want his gossipy work colleague knowing the finer details of his marriage and wouldn’t say anything at all?

@sammylady37

I suspect based on my limited knowledge of human behaviour that if Tom and Mrs Tom has an open and honest agreement, he'd have mentioned that rather than being obviously shifty and uncomfortable. If that were the case he'd have nothing to hide

Or maybe Tom doesn’t want his gossipy work colleague knowing the finer details of his marriage and wouldn’t say anything at all?

Precisely. Since when did other people’s marriages and relationships become public property in the workplace?

@Coffeecak3

You don't actually have any evidence of an affair. I appreciate it's suspect but you have nothing concrete to tell.

^This^

If you had proof that's one thing but you don't.
Lots of workplace liaisons fizzle out and the participants retire happily with their original partner, I've seen it.
The deceit is awful I agree but it's too tricky, don't get involved.

This definitely!! All you have are suspicions! And he's probably already told her some lie just in case you do tell her.

Keep out of it. It won't end well for you.

I think I'd definitely send the 'casual' text/email saying that you'd seen Tom at said hotel. Make small talk like you couldn't believe the coincidence of bumping into him out of town and that you'd love to meet up for a coffee.
The woman has a right to know. Or to at least ask questions to her husband.

It seems pretty unfair to slander the OP when she's been pretty clear her concern is for the wife. I suspect she's enjoying the drama she's whipped up on here