To tell his wife....

[rachielou10]

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

Look no. Just do the sensible thing and forget the whole thing.

I really wish this thread had a poll with it - would love to see the vote. I'm guessing it would be 60-40 in favour of telling wife in some way.

Possibly, and a good 99% of that 60% would be breathless for updates too. It's a horrible indictment of chatboard mentality and the insatiable need for gossip and never mind that facts are in short supply, speculation will do just as well.

I like to think that most people are not so self-serving as to insert themselves into other people's marriages.

Like derxa I wouldn't want to know and I wouldn't have a shred of respect for a random sending an anonymous note either, it's cowardly and pathetic.

Like derxa I wouldn't want to know and I wouldn't have a shred of respect for a random sending an anonymous note either, it's cowardly and pathetic

Same.

We've seen threads on here from women who receive anonymous notes claiming their husbands are having affairs. They have no idea whether it's true and no way of verifying it or making a judgement because they don't know who's telling them or what their motivations might be.

I'd want to know, definitely.

But I'd want to know in plain speaking only what the person telling me knows to be true. "I ran into your husband and Jess having dinner at XX Spa on and thought I you should know". Not "I think your DH is having an affair with Jess" or more inflammatory words to that effect. Although I'm sure it's true, it's still technically speculation. Tom's wife can take it from there as far as what she does with the information.

I might be tempted to add "I'm not a gossip and I will not be sharing this information with anyone else" (assuming you haven't and won't). Tom's wife deserves to be able to handle this in her own way, in her own time without the pressure of knowing that other people know.

I'm also a great believer that if you're going to say something likely to affect someone else's life in a negative way, own it. So you need to be very clear about any affect this might have on your job before you tell her.

If I learned that people knew my husband was having an affair and they chose not to tell me, I would never forgive them.

If I learned that people knew my husband was having an affair and they chose not to tell me, I would never forgive them.

....and this is the sort of overly dramatic comment that doesn't help the OP.

How about if a woman you didn't know; had only met once, and knew nothing about your relationship saw your husband having dinner with a colleague? Not quite the same thing, is it?

So often on MN, people go in for hyperbole, but real life is a lot more nuanced.

Tell her. You aren't close friends so essentially you have nothing to lose - if she never speaks to you again, you don't lose out and your conscience is clear.

She deserves to know and you know that otherwise it wouldn't be uncomfortable. Don't let the poor woman throw her life away on a lying scumbag.

You can send her an anonymous email or Facebook message via a fake profile of you're worried. But if you do so then give specific info so she can check it.

It's also pretty sad that at least 2 people on this thread would rather risk their sexual health and stay with a deceitful, disrespectful, faithless, lying cheat than deal with reality.
But I guess it takes all sorts.

@changerr

If I learned that people knew my husband was having an affair and they chose not to tell me, I would never forgive them.

And how would you learn that exactly? And are you referring to the op, because she doesn’t know.

All these people saying tell Tom that if he doesn't tell his wife then you will, what makes you think you have any right to go wading in to someone else's life like that? Just keep away from stuff that is absolutely none if your business. The amount of people wanting to make a drama out of other peoples lives is shocking.

@REDLIPSTICKANDNAILS

All these people saying tell Tom that if he doesn't tell his wife then you will, what makes you think you have any right to go wading in to someone else's life like that? Just keep away from stuff that is absolutely none if your business. The amount of people wanting to make a drama out of other peoples lives is shocking.

I agree. Absolutely none of your business, OP.

It's such a hard one as If I was personally in your situation I would keep out but then if I was the wife I would 100% want to know.

I would believe you and would be asking my husband a lot of questions and wouldn't blame you at all. I would have no reason not to trust you as a married woman yourself so wouldn't suspect you had any nasty intentions other than a friendly warning.

Maybe not everyone is like me though and I suppose you have to be ready for her to not believe you and things could obv get awkward at work.

If I had worked with the bloke a fair while then I would probably straight out say you were really shocked to see him with her and that it's none of your business but that having spent time with your wife and liking and respecting her that you would hope there is nothing going on and that if there is that he should really think things through and decide to either end things immediately or he needs to speak to his wife and tell the truth if he doesn't want to be with her.

@Veterinari

It's also pretty sad that at least 2 people on this thread would rather risk their sexual health and stay with a deceitful, disrespectful, faithless, lying cheat than deal with reality. But I guess it takes all sorts.

Why are you morally judging people who have said they wouldn't want to know? That's an entirely personal feeling that's not for you to moralise over. If it's a way of attacking them for advising OP not to get involved, at least be honest in what you're really being critical about.

Tell her. You aren't close friends so essentially you have nothing to lose

@Veterinari well she does have something to lose. She risks Tom and Jess making her life hell at work for one.

It’s also making an awful lot of assumptions.

@fellrunner85

If I learned that people knew my husband was having an affair and they chose not to tell me, I would never forgive them.

....and this is the sort of overly dramatic comment that doesn't help the OP.

How about if a woman you didn't know; had only met once, and knew nothing about your relationship saw your husband having dinner with a colleague? Not quite the same thing, is it?

So often on MN, people go in for hyperbole, but real life is a lot more nuanced.

Exactly. OP knows zero about the private lives of these people. No need to be a meddlesome busybody.

Fair enough @ShebaShimmyShake
You're absolutely entitled to your opinion - though you've misunderstood me. There's no moral judgement - I don't think lesser of anyone who would choose this. I just think it's a real pity that they're choosing to risk their health and waste their life and love on someone who clearly doesn't feel the same. You can be happy for people who make that choice if you like, but I still think it's a shame. I personally think that people deserve more. You're perfectly entitled to disagree.

@U2HasTheEdge

Tell her. You aren't close friends so essentially you have nothing to lose

@Veterinari well she does have something to lose. She risks Tom and Jess making her life hell at work for one.

That rather depends on their respective positions at work. Only OP can answer that

@Veterinari

Fair enough *@ShebaShimmyShake* You're absolutely entitled to your opinion - though you've misunderstood me. There's no moral judgement - I don't think lesser of anyone who would choose this. I just think it's a real pity that they're choosing to risk their health and waste their life and love on someone who clearly doesn't feel the same. You can be happy for people who make that choice if you like, but I still think it's a shame. I personally think that people deserve more. You're perfectly entitled to disagree.

You’re assuming everyone’s relationship is predicated on sexual fidelity. Of course you think less of those people or you wouldn’t be so patronising.

No I'm not. I'm presuming that committed relationships are built on trust, respect, and honesty. Sexual fidelity is entirely negotiable - but deceitful affairs aren't honest or respectful, and do betray trust. An open relationship agreed by both partners is entirely different. What consenting adults agree to is none of my business.
But ignorance is not consent.

If you think that me saying I think I believe people deserve honesty respect love and trust from their partner is judgemental and patronising that's your opinion. If slandering my intentions makes you more comfortable with your judgement that's up to you.

@Veterinari

Fair enough *@ShebaShimmyShake* You're absolutely entitled to your opinion - though you've misunderstood me. There's no moral judgement - I don't think lesser of anyone who would choose this. I just think it's a real pity that they're choosing to risk their health and waste their life and love on someone who clearly doesn't feel the same. You can be happy for people who make that choice if you like, but I still think it's a shame. I personally think that people deserve more. You're perfectly entitled to disagree.

You described it as "sad" and finished with the tedious sarcastic "I guess it takes all sorts". That's absolutely a judgement and not one that's your right to make.

As I explained below I do think it's sad. I think people deserve more than dishonestly and health risks and to accept that is rather sad, and a real shame.
But it does take all sorts - you clearly have a different opinion - that's ok isn't it? Or must everyone agree on everything?

It’s not dishonesty if both parties agree that sexual fidelity isn’t required and would prefer to remain in ignorance of the other’s peccadilloes.