To tell his wife....

[rachielou10]

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

@SerenDippitty

OP can you be sure the affair is still going on? What if they ended it the morning after they saw you, on the grounds it was too risky to continue?

Personally, I'd still want to know because if my H has done it once there's the chance he'd do it again.

I also think you're getting a hard time OP. The usual response on these threads from people who have been cheated on is usually overwhelming in the camp of tell her because they wish someone had told them.

And those saying confront Tom/Jess, it's not the sort of thing you can bring up on a Teams call, plus it also gives Tom the chance to get in there first with some bullshit story which discredits OP. Chances are the wife is being gaslit enough already, don't give Tom ammunition to do it more.

Also, if they have an open marriage it wouldn't matter of OP tells the wife surely?

@FlouncerInDenial

You've only met her once.

Why are you even potentially considering inserting yourself in the centre of their drama?

This. She's not your friend, you don't know the full picture.

@Member984815

I'd have a word with him , tell him he has a certain amount of time to tell her himself or you will

I can't imagine saying that to one of my colleagues.

What business would I have doing that? Tom would have covered his tracks already and he would likely just laugh in OP's face then make her life at work difficult.

You don't go meddling in colleagues lives. You are not going to come out of this looking well. Focus on your own life, not people that aren't your friends. Move on and stop giving this so much headspace.

The usual response on these threads from people who have been cheated on is usually overwhelming in the camp of tell her because they wish someone had told them.

The reality is that often when people are told they don't believe them.
OP needs to think of herself too. Unless she is happy to find a new job when this all goes tits up for her.

The most likely scenario in all this is that Tom has covered his tracks already. His wife will think OP is a stirrer. Tom and Jess will make life at work difficult for the OP. She will be thought of as the office gossip. Tom and Jess will be more careful in the future.

Stay out of it. You don't need this trouble in your life. This is just a work colleague.

"Focus on your own life, not people that aren't your friends."

God yes.

Presuming they are:
A) actually having an affair and
B) his wife doesnt already know (which are assumptions the OP and most posters seem to be working from, then it's likely one of three scenarios is going to play out:

1. Affair continues, wife finds out at some point - through actual evidence, not a near-stranger she's only met once saying she saw Tom and Jess having dinner

2. Affair ends, wife none the wiser, they stay together for now

3. Tom and Jess tell the wife and go "public" with their relationship

All of these three most-likely scenarios will eventually play out without your involvement, OP. So it may be in your best interests, professionally, to stay quiet and see what happens next.

But if you absolutely have to talk about it, then why the fuck you're suggesting going to the woman you've met a grand total of once, rather than the work colleagues you already know, I have no idea.

Wouldn't it be rather more grown-up to tell Tom you saw him with Jess and, while his marriage is none of your business, you wanted to make him aware that, if anything extra-curricular is going on, an increasing number of people are becoming aware of it? Yes, he'll deny and have an excuse at the ready, but at least you'll have underlined to him that he has been caught, and will be caught again.

Why so many people are suggesting you circumnavigate the people you actually know in this situation, and instead go straight to anonymous calls, I have no idea. Talk about drama-llamaing.

I’m not sure how I would have felt if I’d had an anonymous text about my dh, or from a person I’d met once? Thinking about it, I’d probably think, why she’s so invested? Maybe? If it was a good friend however then that would be different.

As it happens I did have my suspicions and I did my own digging, things then came out, let’s just say tracks weren’t covered very well and good old Fb public posts were my ally.

I’d leave well alone OP, even though you are coming from a good place. I imagine if you tell her, Tom will turn this round on you, he might tell his DW you’re trying to get him in trouble etc something about work, why would she believe you over her DH. Step back and stop thinking about it now, Tom will trip up sooner or later.

I think you should message the wife or perhaps call and ask to meet up briefly (as a message tends to get shown and bandied around with skewed translations as to the motive etc - however innocent). Both Tom and Jess are relying on you to keep this secret, which you did not ask to be a part of. You've made it clear it's not about anything but easing your conscience and it's understandably concerning to you because if it ends up being one of those affairs which just carries on and on, then you could have stopped her being unaware of it. Just tell her and say you don't want it to affect your job but you genuinely feel for her position, if it is indeed untoward. Can't go through life avoiding doing what's right for the sake of all the other shackles of life. IMO she'll be grateful. Job wise, you have nothing to be ashamed of but hopefully if you do this discreetly then it will show your true morals.

Both Tom and Jess are relying on you to keep this secret, which you did not ask to be a part of

Fairly big assumption there, what if she knows and is doing the pick me dance, what if she knows and they really.are just mates on a night out? What if she’d rather not know? Lots of what ifs to base doing the busy body act,

And both Tom and Jess would have a valid complaint to hr if the op is wrong and it came across like a gossipy accusation, which it is.

If one of my colleagues saw me out with a male colleague and then basically went to my husband and accused me of having an affair, I’d go to hr and I’d not stop. And I’d make sure every single person I worked with knew what they did.

It's so surprising the amount of people who think Tom & Jess were just having a friendly dinner.

Again, very few, if any, posters have said it all sounds perfectly innocent. What many posters, including me, have said is that the OP hasn’t got any hard evidence of an affair and that the situation could be innocent - and that she ought to be damn sure it isn’t before contacting a woman she barely knows.

Amazed what a bashing op is getting here.
A perplexed person comes to the sounding board which is Mumsnet after finding herself in the regettable position of the kind of information that is life changing whichever way she jumps and is criticised for trying to work out what to do with it.

Where is the bashing? In 19 pages, I’ve seen about three genuinely nasty comments. Other people have honestly and constructively suggested it’s a bad idea to contact the wife. The OP actively asked for this advice.

There’s a worrying trend on MN where certain posters describe any dissent as a ‘kicking’, a ‘pile-on’ or similar. It usually isn’t accurate, and it certainly isn’t here. The OP was torn between two options - there were always going to be robust views on both sides.

still coughing and laughing
I'm not part of a worrying trend of labelling any dissent as a kicking. I didn't read all 19 pages, I read op's posts and skimmed some others so without reading all the posts I still saw lots of posts where the main point was op being accused of all sorts of self-centred motives and lots of people telling her that she must have something wrong with her if she cares enough about this to give it some serious thought. That's not advice and I was surprised there was so much of it. Hence why I said I was surprised she was getting slated so much. Her question seemed perfectly reasonable to me.
Yes there were posts from both sides of the fence too. Yes people are entitled to judge the kind of person op is from her post, but I was surprised at the conclusions a lot of people were drawing from it and how keen they were to try to make her feel like there was something wrong with her for what is essentially a rubbish dilemma.

Keep your nose out

Since Tom is your colleague, if I did feel that I had to address the situation, I would be approaching him rather than his wife. Again, I'm not sure that I would interfere, but maybe he has friends in the office who could have a discrete word with him and let him know that things has not gone unnoticed. He needs to have the opportunity to sort the situation himself before anyone goes blustering in without full knowledge of the facts.

People always say 'I wish someone had told me'. Well there are people like me who wouldn't want to know at all. I exist so others must too.

There are some ludicrous assumptions and suggestions being bandied about on this thread.

I'd have a word with him , tell him he has a certain amount of time to tell her himself or you will

Unprofessional to make such threats in a work environment and likely to backfire as he’ll just pre-empt by describing you to his wife as a jealous, bunny boiler demented harpy who is out to cause trouble after he rejected your unwanted advances (Or some other narrative)

@rachielou10 If it was your husband doing the potential cheating, would you want to know?

You could have maybe text her to say 'I've just seen Tom in whichever hotel. I didn't realise you were both staying here. Let us know if you have some free time and we could maybe meet for a drink?!' or something along those lines? 😊 X

Argh. No. Don't send loaded texts that will confuse and distress her, don't start being deceitful and underhanded. Tell her, under your own name, what you saw (it's what all these dishonest text messages would be doing anyway, but without the extra level of confusion and transparent arse covering), or stay out of it. If you can't just do it honestly in the way that will cause her the least uncertainty and trouble over wondering what questions to ask and what to believe, then don't do it at all.

You could have maybe text her to say 'I've just seen Tom in whichever hotel. I didn't realise you were both staying here. Let us know if you have some free time and we could maybe meet for a drink?!' or something along those lines

I like this suggestion a lot.

At least no one has so far said ‘send her a link to this thread’

OP, if you send some lying cryptic message pretending you saw only Tom at the hotel, then if Wife acts on it at all, Tom will find out that you've spoken to her. He saw you there so he'll know it was you. He knows you saw him with Jess, so he'll also know you're effectively lying by pretending you thought the wife was there too, and he'll know that you contacted her only to tell her. I know someone's going to jump in with WELL MAYBE WIFE WAS THERE TOO AND THEY WERE HAVING AN AMAZING THREESOME AND WIFE NEEDED TO GET HER BREATH BACK WHILE TOM AND JESS WENT TO DINNER and if anyone believes that, I've got a bridge to sell you. It will confuse Wife as well as distress her, and as far as Tom/work is concerned, you won't be any better off because he'd know you told her. If anything, you'd also look a bit underhanded. Or if he's already told her he was going to be at Posh Hotel for business or whatever, then the message is pointless and only corroborates whatever lie he told to explain being there.

I'm not even going to go into how it'll look if you did actually contact the hotel pretending to be Jess. Do people really do that for people they barely know?

I'm coming round to the thought that you're not obliged to tell her; this isn't your marriage, you hardly know any of them and you have no responsibilities for them. All I'll say, once again, is that if you do decide to tell her, just tell her and let her know it's you. In her position, I would hate anonymous messages or loaded texts that end up indirectly telling me things (I think I'd eventually figure out that you knew) or basically messed with my head any more than the discovery of the affair would have done. I don't know what I'd want but I know what I wouldn't want, and fake breezy messages that come across as "ooh darling, I saw your husband in a hotel that night he told you he was staying over at Steve's, shame you weren't there, must dash, lunch soon?" would drive me up the wall. Tell her honestly (and kindly) or don't say anything at all. I personally would not blame you one whit if you just stayed out of it. Tom's marriage is his responsibility.

I'd prefer an anonymous message actually.

With holding your name isn't underhand or deceitful. Making up a false name, yes.