To tell his wife....

[rachielou10]

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

What the heck is a 'girl code'?

Girl code is about supporting each other as women, as I'm sure you know.

If you don't, I worry for feminism, too!

I would stay well clear of this one,

1. you aren't close friends with the wife - this is the only situation in which it's reasonable to get involved with other people's relationships
2. Tom and Jess are your colleagues - not the same as friends outside of work, what they do is their business. You don't have to like it and can certainly avoid them socially if it makes you uncomfortable
3. you have your role at work to think about, don't jeopardise that over something which is not your business but is being played out under your nose

If you tell her, she will want all the details, it would not be fair to give her half a story so you will definitely be mixed up in all the gossip and fall out.

I get that you feel obligated to tell your new friend that her husband is a cheating waste of space totally humiliating her. Be careful doing anything anonymously as she may come to you for advice anyway and then you will be in a right mess!!

I think the text stating you saw him, was hoping to see her there, let's meet for a drink is the best way forward. You've then told her without making accusations.

Good god no. Why on earth would you think to involve yourself in your colleague’s private life in this way? His marriage is nothing to do with you, for good or for bad. You’re not obligated to his wife in any way...just WHY?

It’s very easy for people to post her and say ‘do it’ and ‘I would’ - but would they really? For the most part they would not.

Are you bored or something? Feeling unappreciated? Have you got this moral crusade on the go to liven up your day and make you feel like a good person? If so, find something else to focus on.

Do not phone your colleague’s wife to facilitate blowing their lives apart. He’ll manage that by himself. Stay out of it.

Reading some of these replies some people obviously need to read more novels or take up writing.

Ring the hotel pretending to be jess claiming you’ve lost an earring? And if it’s not under her name then her partner’s name? Jesus Christ the OP has met this woman once and people are suggesting she go all private investigator to find out if her husband is having an affair based on the fact she saw him having dinner?

And as for giving Tom an ultimatum, just how is she going to know if he told his wife or not? Given the wife probably doesn’t even give the OP any thought, you know, given she’s just some woman she met at her husband’s work do, she’s obviously not going to rush to the OP to confide in her that her husband has told her he’s having an affair. Tom will most likely just call her bluff, because once she’s made the threat there is literally nothing she can do about it because the ball is then in his court.

As for “girl code” what bollocks. Being a woman doesn’t mean that you should do whatever for someone else purely because they’re a woman. Added to which, if “girl code” means interfering in the lives of people you don’t know to ruin them, spreading gossip about stuff you literally know nothing about, then you’re welcome to keep it.

Also, if the OP sent an anonymous message saying “I saw your husband with another woman,” and she found out that it was true and then found out who had sent her the message, she would likely think that the OP was the OW. I would.

My mum took a call at work once for a colleague. They didn’t want to talk just to pass on a message to tell her that they’d seen her husband walking in town with another woman. Turned out it was true, but my instant reaction was “well, if it’s true I’d bet it was the other woman ringing anonymously to force his hand.

Besides which anonymity is cowardly. If you can’t own the fact you’re interfering in this woman’s marriage then you have no business doing so.

The number of suggestions that OP go undercover, make faux-innocent texts and comments and basically act like a private detective is crazy. Do people really think this way?

OP, I am on the fence about whether to tell her or not, but all I'll say is: if you do, just tell her straight up what you saw, no speculation but just facts of what you witnessed, and don't be anonymous because that would fuck her up terribly. If you can't do that, don't do anything. Don't start ringing the hotel posing as Jess, don't start laying traps with loaded questions and comments. Tell her upfront, or stay out of it.

People do think this way but only when it’s a stranger’s dilemma on mumsnet that lends itself to a bit of creative drama.
Anonymous messages? Grow up.

@pictish

Are you bored or something? Feeling unappreciated? Have you got this moral crusade on the go to liven up your day and make you feel like a good person? If so, find something else to focus on.

I actually think this is incredibly unfair.

I posted here for advice.

If I were either of those things you have suggested, don't you think i would've just told his wife TWO weeks ago when I saw her husband with another woman?
You know, cause a bit of drama for my pleasures?!

I've not acted on this, I haven't told anyone, I'm just posting here to see what people think I should do.

I think you sound lovely OP.

Sorry if this has been said, but if they really were just on a works thing/innocent dinner, as some straw clutchers have suggested, surely they would want to come over to you and make that clear? I know.i would as I would be thinking how it looked.

Also remember you are the only one in this situation who works with him. You have an insight into that part of him that she doesn't.

I would tell her, again in the way suggested upthread, say you saw him at X place and thought of.you, how have you been? Make sure he can't wriggle out of it by saying you were ALL on a works thing though!

Ok, I’m sorry.
I still think you ought to stay out of it.

The number of suggestions that OP go undercover, make faux-innocent texts and comments and basically act like a private detective is crazy. Do people really think this way

Yup, all the batshit Jane bond stuff, and the faux innocent texts are off th chart, exactly who wouldn’t immediately guess what you were up to there.

Op, if you were genuinely worried about their marriage you’d speak to Tom and Jess, find out thr lay of the land, make a decision then tell Tom you felt the need to tell his wife, if indeed it was confirmed they were having an affair,

Not once have you suggested speaking to them, preferring to make assumptions and dream up ways to tell his wife without dropping yourself in it, this is not coming across as a genuine care for the woman.

To show once more how erroneous your assumptions could be, what if she already knows and is doing the pick me dance, that he was spending the weekend with Jess discussing their relationship. And you go wading in with that text? How do you think she would feel, like you were gossiping about her and rubbing her nose in it gleefully? Pointing out that her husband was away at a hotel, and you saw?

You’re also bigging up your relationship with her. She’s someone you met once at a social event, there has been no lunch or anything after. You’ve no idea If she’s a lovely woman or not, she’s pretty much a stranger to you, you don’t know her, her life, anything about her. Other than on one social occasion she came across as nice and she’s married to Tom. That’s it,

It's so surprising the amount of people who think Tom & Jess were just having a friendly dinner.

There's plenty of places you can go to do that. Doesn't it seem a bit odd that they'd choose a secluded spa, not even in the town they live in?

What's even crazier is that people are suggesting that Tom & his wife have an open marriage and that his wife will probably be in agreement with this "arrangement".

Look, OP, let me tell you my experience.

5 years ago I lost one of my very close friends, I was going through a very hard time. I was medicated for depression.

During this time my sister in law saw my husband with another woman.
She confronted him and discovered he was having an affair.

He worked away for his job very regularly and I was non the wiser.

My sister in law decided not to tell me straight away, she knew I was already in a bad place and didn't think I could handle it very well.

Around 6 months later she told me.

I was grateful she hadn't told me sooner, simply because I needed my husband during that time after losing my friend!
Other than him working away a few days a week (which he had done for years and I had no reason to doubt that) there were no other signs of an affair and our marriage seemed fine!!

What I'm trying to say OP, is that you don't know what's going on in his wife's life.
Maybe she doesn't want to know right now!

My sister in law is a big part of my life, she couldn't keep it from me forever.
I had no reason to think she was being malicious or trying to hurt / destroy my marriage.

Tom's wife doesn't really know you, you have been in each other's company for ONE night, she could have every reason to think you're being malicious.

You really do seem like caring, genuine person, but for the sake of all parties involved, including yourself, just keep out of this.

Op, if you were genuinely worried about their marriage you’d speak to Tom and Jess, find out thr lay of the land, make a decision then tell Tom you felt the need to tell his wife, if indeed it was confirmed they were having an affair

While I agree with most of what you’ve said, this strikes me as particularly odd. If a work colleague came to me asking about my marriage and whether or not I was having an affair, I would not be telling them the lay of the land or unburdening myself in any way. I’d be telling them pretty sharply that my personal life was none of their concern. The op approaching tom or Jess is likely to be met with a similar reaction, or a “oh we’re great friends” line. Nothing more.

So, Tom saw you too ? Surely, he must be bricking it, scared to death you’ll tell his wife and all your colleagues ? Bet it’s caused him some sleepless nights.

Girl code? Are we ten? Grow up. Life has so many shades of grey, it’s not black and white like that.

Anyway, I do think if you are going to tell her, then do it honestly and straight up- no faux innocence, no anonymity. I agree that if you are going to get involved in this, then you don’t hide it or drop the Grenada and run. That is cowardly. And only done for yourself, so that you feel better having been the nice/moral person who has “done the right thing” by telling her (so conscience clear- phew!). To hell with the fall out for others, in particular Tom’s wife.

You don’t know this woman well. You have no idea what is going on in her life, what the implications are of you throwing this bomb into her life are. You don’t know what she knows/chooses to ignore. You don’t know if she support around her. They may be separating but trying to manage things quietly. I grant you that she may well have no idea and welcome your intervention, as others have said they would have. But what if it isn’t welcome or causes harm?

You have no hard evidence. You have suspicions and seeing them having dinner- I agree it is highly likely there is something going on, but you have no proof. Your word vs his/theirs. This could get quite messy.

Just be clear who you are doing this for and why.

What I think

It's been going on ages
Telling will hugely impact you at work
Seeing you might prompt them anyway to tell her
I think you are sitting on a bomb and I would stay sat unless you are leaving your workplace
And just don't meet up with her

I agree entirely with @shinebrightly10
You have literally no idea what is going on this woman’s life or the implications/consequences to her (for good or ill). You could end up causing more harm than good.

For everyone’s sake, keep out of it.

I'd have a word with him , tell him he has a certain amount of time to tell her himself or you will

Could you talk to Tom? Say that you were really surprised to see him with Jess at the spa and ask if they are both dating now? Tell him you’re sorry that he’s broken up with his wife, you met her x night and she seemed like a wonderful person

Amazed what a bashing op is getting here.
A perplexed person comes to the sounding board which is Mumsnet after finding herself in the regettable position of the kind of information that is life changing whichever way she jumps and is criticised for trying to work out what to do with it.
Silence or no silence no-one wins here as is usually the case when a person is betraying another (there are a squillion threads on Mumsnet where this scenario would be full of people laughing the straw clutchers out of town if the op was the wife asking if this could be innocent, followed by ltb and get your ducks in a row).
Sadly op you are in a lose-lose situation here, the missing piece of the puzzle is knowing what the wife would want. Unless you have a way to work that out it's all guesswork what is 'best'.
Dropping in the innocent 'fancy seeing Tom at the spa!' message is as close to a compromise as there is, but it's also fraught with possible problems, not least making it easier for Tom to cast you in a bad light as a stirrer when she asks the inevitable question.
Personally, I would definitely want to know, and I can't help but feel that truth is usually the best choice. But the world is weird place and you can't predict people's reactions, it could massively backfire through work etc.
Horribly the consequences of Tom's actions are bleeding into your life as that little spark of possible friendship you felt can never blossom if you end up left sitting in this, because clearly you are a person of integrity and you couldn't look her in the eyes.
I don't envy your situation, wish I had words of advice but the only thing that could truly decide this would be better insight as to the wife's position (lots of possible scenarios as per various pp here).
My absolute gut reaction would be to tell her, but think in this case, with your tenuous connection to her and his plausible deniability, the possible repercussions at work for you if be leaning to not telling her.
But... I would definitely be lining up a firm clear eyed comment for Tom or Jess next time you see them. I imagine their guilty conscience might make them try to laugh of the fact you saw each other (maybe) and something like 'the office rumours appear to be true from where I'm standing, I pity the wife and am disgusted at being put in the position of knowing something so serious about her life that she doesn't (pretty safe assumption really, open marriages aren't that common). Don't expect any sympathy from me when this all blows up in your face.'

@ScrapThatThen

What I think

It's been going on ages
Telling will hugely impact you at work
Seeing you might prompt them anyway to tell her
I think you are sitting on a bomb and I would stay sat unless you are leaving your workplace
And just don't meet up with her

I think this is most succinct and realistic summary or your position op. You have my sympathy

OP can you be sure the affair is still going on? What if they ended it the morning after they saw you, on the grounds it was too risky to continue?

Hi OP

I can completely understand why this has put you in a difficult position. I do not think you should contact his wife and tell her, I certainly do not think if you did decide to tell her, there should be any embellishments as has been suggested by PPs (heard you split up/having an affair etc).
The actual facts of what you saw are clouded by the context of office gossip of Tom and Jess flirting and having lunch together. If you had seen Tom at the Spa with Deirdre or Michael, other random colleagues, would you feel as uncomfortable? I think on the balance of probability, we can all have a good guess at what Tom and Jess are doing, we would probably be right; but we don't know.

The fact Tom saw you and did not come over for a chat may "confirm" it wasn't innocent, but we can't know that either. If Tom is cheating with Jess, he has had 2 weeks to come up with any manner of complex cover story in any case.

It is horrible to think that Tom is cheating and his wife may be blissfully unaware, but there are many, many different scenarios than this-open marriage, his wife may have been there with them, Tom and Jess may have been there separately, Jess may have connections to Tom through family, it could have been a work meeting. Alternatively, you could be perfectly correct and Tom is having a fully fledged affair with Jess.

There could be terrible consequences if you tell his wife and you are wrong. I would try and put it out of your mind. Don't ring the hotel/snoop facebook/tell HR/discuss at work.

When you return to the office, I would casually drop in to conversation with Tom it was nice to see you and Jess at X, you should have joined us for a drink. Then leave it. If it was innocent, no harm done. If it wasn't, hopefully it will prompt Tom to do the right thing.

You are probably right with your suspicions, but that is all they are at the moment. Don't tie yourself up in knots over this.