To tell his wife....

[rachielou10]

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

To me personally there is nothing worse than being made a public fool of, so others knowing my DP is cheating and telling me would feel worse than the cheating itself.

My guess is she already has her suspicions as I think most women have that gut feeling but I can understand the dilemma if you work together.

The truth always comes out in the end regardless if you contact her or not.

Not* telling me

The question remains whether it still remains the Right Thing to do to tell the unsuspecting spouse?

I think morally the right thing to do would be to tell Tom you’re going to tell her what you think is going on and then do so. Very few people are willing to do that. The op hasn’t suggested once she calls Tom and informs him she thinks he’s shagging Jess nd she’s going to tell his wife.

I guess because she’s worry about his reaction, jess’s reaction and her colleagues reaction,, and what if she was wrong.

And if you can’t own what you’re about to do, and you don’t know for sure if they are having an affair , then morally you should not say anything. This isn’t something to be wrong about. It’s not something you play the balance of probability on.

Stay out of it. She will find out herself it always comes out.
Also she might know what he does but chooses to ignore it some people do.
He may have done it before.
He will get caught. X

Tom is a twat. His wife deserves to know what you saw.

Do the right thing

I wouldn't tell her. It could backfire on you. however, I would make them both squirm if and when you return to the office, esp if his wife is ever invited to a social event. I would also be tempted to discretely tell others at work and let it get out through whispers. That might put pressure on him/them to make some decisions about their future.

So the right thing, tell her

Enail tom and/or jess
"Hey there how funny to see you at the spa. The food was great wasnt it? "
See how they respond

You dont know anything about tom s marriage

I guess at the end of the day - we should all ask ourselves (messenger shooting or not) would we want to know/be told if someone (doesn't matter who it is) saw our partners out for dinner with another person, just the two of them, far from home (so the OP says) at a hotel? That's the simple question here.

No, it really isn’t- because it’s not about what you would feel

It is still NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

Can you not send an " innocent " oh you never guess who I've just bumped in to ! text to her and follow it up with are they on a course? I thought they were all cancelled ?

I wouldn't get involved. It won't bode well for you whatever happens.

How well do you get on with Jess?

I think I'd have to speak to her about it and make it clear that their selfishness has put you in an extremely difficult position.

Women who go for married men are just the worst, selfish kind of people.

I would text Tom and tell him he's got an hour to tell his wife or you will. He can concoct whatever story he likes but you and your husband saw both of them there. It's unlikely both of you are lying.

I would want to know.

Sorry, OP. I haven’t read the full thread but I think you’re getting a very hard time from other posters. I can totally see why you feel awfully stuck. It’s a tough one.

Write an anonymous letter in the kindest terms you can manage and think of a way to get it to the wife so it is not obvious it is from you?

Stay out of it. If it was a best friend then yes I would tell.
Work would be awkward. I’d leave it be, he’ll get caught eventually.

For your own good I'll stay completely out of it. For the wife's good, I will tell, because not knowing of the affair, especially if it's been going on for a while, will have devastating mental implications for her when she finally finds out. Every decent person that understands that would struggle to just hide the truth from this poor woman. It's a moral obligation, and especially if you have bonded and you care for her. So I think sending an anonymous message, a letter, is the way to go. Just tell her what you saw, be detailed (times, locations, what was he wearing etc..) to be seen as credible and not a loony. But no judgement or interpretations, and nothing that may lead to you. She will have the facts she need and you will have your conscious clean (and the job). If there is no issue there, then she will just laugh at your letter, but I bet she will thank you one day when you finally have that lunch together and you confess to her it was you.

You've only met this woman once so she's not even a friend, just an acquaintance and yet you are inventing aliases, stalking this guy on social media and posting at length on here !. . I'm not sure I understand why you are getting so interested in something that doesn't involve you. IMHO I would just stay out of somebody else's life.

It is not your place to tell her or involve yourself

I would be inclined to steer clear. But if you did want to message you could say something like "bumped into Tom at X hotel at the weekend, did he tell you? A shame you weren't there, we could have had that lunch at last (lol)" or words to that affect.

Effect

Before making any decisions on what to do I would find out if Jess actually stayed in the hotel with Tom. The following might be worth a try.

I would ring the hotel pretending to be Jess and say that I think I had lost an earing in the restaurant. If they could not find a reservation under that name I would ask them to check if it was under my partners name, Tom x. If they still cannot find it you would know they had name changed for the reservation.

I would then ask them if they could check the bedroom as maybe the earing was left there. Their response might give you bit more information this way to help you make your decision.

Really depressing how many women are minimising what is obviously going on here with Tom and Jess, and making out OP is the bad one for having morals.

Whatever happened to the girl code?

This poor wife needs to know, as I and other posters who've been in her shoes have explained. If it happened to you, you'd understand.

Girl code is bollocks it's all about morals but like I said before not the OPs monkey not her circus.