To tell his wife....

[rachielou10]

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

@sammylady37 But you have no interest in him and no interest in your female friends so why treat the friendships differently? I would not be happy with my DH ‘safe outrageous drunk flirting’ with another woman and I wouldn’t do it myself. I wouldn’t really be holding yourself up to the op as a shining example of platonic male-female friendships to be honest. Your need to flirt with a man who is married and who you have no interest in is just weird. I have plenty of male friends who I genuinely have no interest in - hence no flirting just a normal friendship the same as the friendship I have with my female friends.

I seriously do not know many people who would be okay with their partner doing this, I think you're probably an exception.It's not exactly the norm to be doing that!

Why? It’s no different to going away with a female friend. Either you trust your partner or not. The gender of your mates is simply not relevant.

And if you’re going over the side you’re more likely to lie about it, rather than I’m off out on the piss with James, see you tomorrow.

Leave well alone.
The messenger always gets shot. He knows you know. I worked with a serial shagger who moved to another company and carried on. Turns out his wife knew and was waiting for the right time to give him his marching orders. He is now late 40s, still shagging around and has 3 teenage daughters who refuse to speak to him

The widely differing views on here are really interesting.

I wonder whether those of us who were the last to know of our spouses' infidelity veer towards 'tell the wife' and those who have never experienced that gut wrenching sensation tend to be more cautious because of the potential fall-out??
I'm just pondering.

Last weekend was the weekend from hell here as our next door neighbour who we don't get on with since her new bloke moved in despite living next to her for over 2 decades previously and all getting on like a house on fire....! (what changed I wonder? ) received an annoymous letter telling her that her controlling arse - who two weeks ago she'd had a LOUD row with about texting other women and not letting her just speak to another man - was cheating on her with another woman.

God knows what happened but he convinced her it was from us and then quite literally took to the wall with a hammer for 2 hours after throwing the screwed up letter into our garden. The police and council are all involved because of his behaviour and threats and yet he's still around and she allegedly doesn't believe it.

Please don't do the annoymous letter, there's so many ways it can backfire. There's so many ways it can backfire whatever you do. That poor poor woman.

I really don’t see how OPs job could be at stake. If she messages the wife to say something neutral like - Hi, saw Tom in Chester the other day with Jess and thought I’d get in touch - what grounds would anyone have to fire her?

This assumes there is no possibility between the OP getting the sack and it not affecting her job at all. ‘Sorry I didn’t get to see you at the spa with Tom and Jess’ may be purely factual, but if it kicks off an issue in Tom’s marriage and he confronts the OP, suddenly there’s a workplace issue. Even if he doesn’t confront her, but does tell Jess, and then she tells her mate in the team, that potentially kicks off further office gossip and team divisions. If that escalates (and speaking as someone whose team went through major personal clashes a few months back, trust me - it happens) the OP may be well be able to say ‘Everything in the text was true’, but she’ll still be asked why she sent it at all. Tom’s wife is someone she met once, many months ago, and hasn’t met since - this would not be a casual message. The OP is unlikely to be sacked or even formally warned, but she could be marked out as a troublemaker. That’s before you even consider how unpleasant it will be working with Tom and Jess afterwards..

@Pacif1cDogwood

The widely differing views on here are really interesting.

I wonder whether those of us who were the last to know of our spouses' infidelity veer towards 'tell the wife' and those who have never experienced that gut wrenching sensation tend to be more cautious because of the potential fall-out??
I'm just pondering.

I think you’re probably right.

As for flirting, I’m exactly the same as Sammy, I only flirt with “safe” men. It’s fun. The bloke, on the other hand, flirts with anyone and everything, it’s totally meaningless and I take the piss when he does it.

People saying this is an innocent scenario surprises me.

I don’t think that many people have said it IS innocent. Most of us on the ‘keep quiet’ side have said it could be innocent, and it’s much better to be sure before saying anything.

@Pacif1cDogwood

The widely differing views on here are really interesting.

I wonder whether those of us who were the last to know of our spouses' infidelity veer towards 'tell the wife' and those who have never experienced that gut wrenching sensation tend to be more cautious because of the potential fall-out??
I'm just pondering.

The issue though, and you see it on here a lot, is when someone does tell the wife, they often don’t wish to believe it, so everyone says it’s a shit stirrer. Ask for proof. Don’t believe them.

We have seen multiple threads where someone tells the wife and the wife blocks them, calls them malicious, a shit stirrer, and posters on here encourage it. Even accusing the woman who told of wanting to be the ow themselves and wanting to split them up. Even worse if it’s anonymous.

It’s always the same. Should I tell yes. Should I believe what I’ve been told. No. Not unless she can prove it.

And I doubt the op can prove it.

But you have no interest in him and no interest in your female friends so why treat the friendships differently? I would not be happy with my DH ‘safe outrageous drunk flirting’ with another woman and I wouldn’t do it myself. I wouldn’t really be holding yourself up to the op as a shining example of platonic male-female friendships to be honest. Your need to flirt with a man who is married and who you have no interest in is just weird. I have plenty of male friends who I genuinely have no interest in - hence no flirting just a normal friendship the same as the friendship I have with my female friends

Goodness, this really isn’t rocket science. But anyway, again, I enjoy flirting with men. I don’t enjoy flirting with women. So I don’t flirt with my female friends. Very often, I don’t flirt with any man because as we all know some men can misconstrue harmless flirting and then get nasty, threatening or aggressive when it doesn’t translate to a ride at the end of the night. But, with this particular man, I know there’s zero chance of that happening. So I can be as flirtatious as I want, safe in the knowledge that it’s all just messing and we both know that. Similarly, he knows I’m not going to get all hurt and upset when he heads home alone at the end of the night like some women would after a night spent flirting. And he knows I’m not going to accuse him of inappropriate behaviour. So from his point of view, it’s safe. So we both get to do something that’s fun in a safe way. As I said, not rocket science.

And, despite your attempt at amateur psychoanalysis, it’s not a ‘need’ I have, it’s just something I occasionally do. I could live quite happily without doing it, but as it’s fun and harmless, I don’t.

Sorry if I've missed it OP but have you seen Tom since? How did he act?

@sammylady37 not rocket science but very odd. Personally I don’t feel the desire to drunkenly flirt with anyone I don’t fancy be it a man or a woman. My view of male friends is similar to @Bluntness100 its the same as meeting with a female friend. No difference. Someone I get on great with regardless of gender.

Anyone I’m detailing now from the op.

If this is a long term affair he could be slowly and surely fucking his wife over and syphoning off assets etc...or he just out for some fun with presumably a younger female colleague.

I would send a text saying you saw Tom and Jess at x hotel lobby, wanted to say hi to Tom and see you too but we were on our way out.

When she presumably comes back with wtf...you can be oh I’m so sorry i Assumed they were both their with partners on a weekend break.

You know it’s bullshit, Tom will know You know but this way you can uphold plausible deniability to your colleagues at face level and he can’t cause problems for you at work.

@katmunchkin

Sorry if I've missed it OP but have you seen Tom since? How did he act?

@katmunchkin

No. Most of us are currently still
Wfh.

Bluntness, hm, yes, I see your point.

It is such a paradigm shift when you realise the person you are with is not the person you thought they were.

I'd've preferred if somebody had told me or even just sowed a seed of suspicion, rather than being completely trusting and blind until a very explicit test appeared on one of my boy's iPad.
Rumbled by a shared Apple ID and a 10 year old.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

OP... the post by Quacks is the very type of post that illustrates the point that some really do love the drama as it's no skin off their noses whatever happens. Somebody's life being reduced to a soap opera. Sad but true.

Exactly. Some posters are positively salivating wanting the OP to get involved in this.

I would talk to Tom. Your primary relationship is actually with him due to work.

I would phone him and say something like FFS Tom you've put me in a fucking awkward position. What do you expect me to do when I next see your wife? then stay very quiet and see what he says.

Pacif I get that, and I’m sorry it happened, but I think for many in hindsight they say they wished to know, if they knew what was coming.

But in reality when many women are actually told they don’t want to believe it. And if their husbands, friends, strangers on the net are saying oh it’s bullshit. Ignore it. Then even if deep down they suspect, they will reject it.

And shoot the messenger.

@TorkTorkBam

I would talk to Tom. Your primary relationship is actually with him due to work.

I would phone him and say something like FFS Tom you've put me in a fucking awkward position. What do you expect me to do when I next see your wife? then stay very quiet and see what he says.

This, if you do care about her. Speak to Tom.

Yep, I cannot disagree with you, Bluntness.
The question remains whether it still remains the Right Thing to do to tell the unsuspecting spouse?

In the case of the OP, they are not close friends anyway, so there's not that much to lose.
I dunno

Not your monkey not your circus. Stay out of it. You hardly know this woman and will have to continue to work with this guy. Do you want to work in an awkward environment when back in the office.

I would just leave it. You have no idea the dynamics of their relationship, they may be separating, who knows.

Don't get involved, you have nothing to gain from this.

OP is getting wayyyy to much abuse on here for wanting to do the right thing.

Think of it this way OP- if you’re husband was at a hotel with another women and Toms wife saw and told you would you believe her? Would you be angry at her? I wouldn’t... I would appreciate that someone was looking out for me.

I think the message you had written was absolutely fine. Is Tom going to complain about you when he’s shagging someone at work? No. He’s more likely to get fired than you are,

I think it’s such a tough situation you’ve been put it in, but close or not close- we’re reminded everyday that women need to look out for one another xxx

Keep out of it. Bluntness is spot on.

Id want to know. But then again, i wouldnt risk my
Job.