To tell his wife....

[rachielou10]

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

I just really do not think it was innocent

It likely isn’t. The thing is you just don’t know.

I’m very friendly with a guy at work. You would see us hanging around. We once booked into a hotel and went out on the piss about a decade or so ago. Had a brilliant night, just the two of us. We went for dinner, then drinks. We got properly plastered. Had breakfast the next day and left.

Was i shagging him. No. Did my husband know I was there yes, did he have an issue with it. No. Did I wish to shag him, no. Did he wish to shag me, I seriously doubt it. Men and women actually can be mates. And not jump each other. It’s not that rare.

However I’m fairly sure some of the busy bodies at work would have thought we were at it. We used to joke about it. Particularly when one morning staying away at work meeting I couldn’t switch my shower off, so called him to come fix it, And as he walked out my room early morning we both joked some folks would assume we were shagging because of it. We genuinely found the idea funny.

And that’s the point, you just don’t know.

Then its totally innocent

Tom Jess and no one at work is going to buy that.

Send an anonymous text

OP, you're not in any position, not unless you want to put yourself into one. That will be your choice but it has impacts to others and maybe also yourself as has been pointed out.

You seem hellbent on doing something but actually, you have very little factual information, just a lot of gossip from the office. You haven't seen these two 'in action, other than having a drink/dinner. That's it.

Yes, chatboards are great for getting opinions but not for this. The only thing you need to focus on is whether creating a hostile environment in the workplace is worth it based on what scant information you actually have - and whether you're willing to accept any consequences yourself. Workplace gossips are a scourge.

Pretty much anytime a thread like this comes up in the relationships board women who have been cheated on day - I wish someone had told me. Which is enough for me to think that I would tell in this situation. Tbh the fact you don’t know her very well means you don’t really have to worry about whether she shoots the messenger or not.

Tbh the fact you don’t know her very well means you don’t really have to worry about whether she shoots the messenger or not

True. She just has to worry about the possible impact on her employment. Maybe she doesn’t need her job?

@Bluntness100

I just really do not think it was innocent

It likely isn’t. The thing is you just don’t know.

I’m very friendly with a guy at work. You would see us hanging around. We once booked into a hotel and went out on the piss about a decade or so ago. Had a brilliant night, just the two of us. We went for dinner, then drinks. We got properly plastered. Had breakfast the next day and left.

Was i shagging him. No. Did my husband know I was there yes, did he have an issue with it. No. Did I wish to shag him, no. Did he wish to shag me, I seriously doubt it. Men and women actually can be mates. And not jump each other. It’s not that rare.

However I’m fairly sure some of the busy bodies at work would have thought we were at it. We used to joke about it. Particularly when one morning staying away at work meeting I couldn’t switch my shower off, so called him to come fix it, And as he walked out my room early morning we both joked some folks would assume we were shagging because of it. We genuinely found the idea funny.

And that’s the point, you just don’t know.

@Bluntness100

I seriously do not know many people who would be okay with their partner doing this, I think you're probably an exception.
It's not exactly the norm to be doing that!

I don’t think I’d say anything, OP. As others have said, she might already know, they might have an open marriage... It’s not nice but you could get sucked into something quite nasty if you pass the information on.

I’d have already called him up asked him wtf??!! And told him he was a piece of shit

OP -

You sound like a caring person and clearly someone with a lot of empathy.

Of course you think his wife should know, I'd be surprised if anyone didn't think that.

BUT ... it's really not your responsibility to tell her.
Yes you've seen something but you don't for sure know it wasn't totally innocent.

I'm with you here, I highly doubt it was innocent, particularly in the setting which you have described. But non the less you are under no obligation to tell his wife and I really think given the circumstances surrounding your job, you should forget this and remove yourself from the equation.

Even if in the future you were to get dragged into this, his wife isn't your close friend so your involvement is either here nor there.
You met once at a Christmas party, exchanged numbers(presumably after a few drinks) it doesn't mean you'll be held accountable.

The only people here who are responsible for telling his wife are Tom & Jess!

I really don’t see how OPs job could be at stake. If she messages the wife to say something neutral like - Hi, saw Tom in Chester the other day with Jess and thought I’d get in touch - what grounds would anyone have to fire her?

It seems lots of people would lob a hand grenade into this woman’s life based on gossip and speculation rather than fact. Are their lives that boring and humdrum that they’ve nothing better to do than salivate over a stranger’s life?

All you know about Tom and Jess is that they are friends, flirted whilst drunk at a party, eat lunch together regularly and had dinner together in a hotel on one occasion. The rest is the result of a clearly idle mind.

This could be entirely innocent. It may not be, but you don’t know either way so you shouldn’t act based on your assumptions. You know that saying about how when you assume something about me you made an ASS out of U and ME?

I’m single. There’s a man at work who I first met when we were both training about 20 years ago. We were friends then, and drifted apart when we both left to work elsewhere. Years later, by complete chance, we have ended up working together again. There has never ever been anything between us. He’s absolutely not my type and I very much doubt if I’m his. In fact, I know I’m not, having met various girlfriends of his years ago and knowing his wife now. He likes women who are willowy and petite and I’m neither of those things. But we hang out a lot. At work and outside of it. We have a laugh together. And on occasions we’ve been drunk together, we have sometimes flirted, in an almost outrageous fashion, precisely because we both know there is absolutely nothing in it. It’s very safe flirting. I’ve been abroad for conferences with him. I meet him for dinner without his wife sometimes. He’s called to my house for coffee. But it’s just friendship. The thought that some busybody who hardly knows us would gossip among colleagues and furthermore contact his wife to tell her we were having an affair is frankly disgusting.

Don’t be ridiculous are you trying to emotionally black mail,her into telling? Seriously?

Nah, just presenting another point of view that differs to yours- @Bluntness100
I was cheated on and would rather know. Not everyone shoots the messenger- sometimes we've been gas lighted so much that we just need the black and white evidence to prove we're not going mad. I actually sat down with the OW - she had been lied to, too.

we just need the black and white evidence to prove we're not going mad

But in this instance there isn’t any black and white evidence. And you’re seriously lacking in life experience if you can’t work out multiple ways OP’s job could be affected by a very pissed off Tom and Jess @AnEleanor.

Have you come to a decision OP?
People saying this is an innocent scenario surprises me.
It's quite obvious what's going on.
She absolutely deserves to know. I would tell her
The previous message you wrote about seeing Tom at a spa should do it, enough for her to question it and then if she does ask did you see who is was with then be honest.
Please update us on what you decide to do.

Firstly I wish that somebody had told me that my XH was shagging the woman he line managed. I felt like the whole world was colluding against me when I found out and as if I was the long standing subject of gossip and entertainment and pity. I would have been grateful to any colleague who had stuck their neck above the parapet for me, but nobody did.

Secondly, I have told an acquaintance that I saw her DP on a dating site. It wasn't particularly well received but at least she was furnished with all of the information that she needed to make her own choices about her life. This is the most important part of it, or at least that's how I see it.

Thirdly, why the fuck do so many posters pile on in threads like these proclaiming 'maybe they have an open marriage'. Obviously, it is extremely unlikely that this is the case. Also, the man was in a spa hotel out of area with the work colleague he flirts with every day, anyone protesting that they are mates having a quick platonic catch up is surely being deliberately obtuse.

If it's all innocent and the wife knows he is friends with jess then a text saying how she saw him having dinner shouldn't cause too much of a stir should it?.
Especially if she doesn't go in hard and make the assumption herself.

At this Christmas party, was jess there?, did tom and jess talk to each other? Or completely avoided one another?.

@sammylady37 “ And on occasions we’ve been drunk together, we have sometimes flirted, in an almost outrageous fashion,”

This is just plain odd. Why on earth would you flirt with someone ‘outrageously’ you have no interest in. Do you flirt outrageously with your female friends as it’s also ‘safe’?? If not why not given you’re ‘just mates’ with this man and ‘just mates’ with your female friends?

OP... the post by Quacks is the very type of post that illustrates the point that some really do love the drama as it's no skin off their noses whatever happens. Somebody's life being reduced to a soap opera. Sad but true.

Can you message message tom and say that you're really uncomfortable at having seen them and he needs to make a decision. See what he says and tell him you'll tell his wife if he keeps stringing them both along.

Re his wife, if you want to be her friend you can't ignore it and not tell her, if you tell her and she dumps you it's no real loss and your conscious is clean. It's better to be her friend and actually BE a friend and tell her

Have you come to a decision...
Please update us on what you decide to do

Vile. Looking for updates as if this is a soap opera for your entertainment. And exactly the reason people should be cautious about responses here. You’re advocating potentially ruining someone’s life based on office gossip and speculation. But hey, it’s no skin off your nose so just encourage the op and make sure you get updates 🙄

“And you’re seriously lacking in life experience if you can’t work out multiple ways OP’s job could be affected by a very pissed off Tom and Jess @AnEleanor.”

Ah yes, you got me. I am but a sweet summer child who knows nothing of the world. If only I had the life experience that would lead to me to your wisdom.

But in this instance there isn’t any black and white evidence
If her DH is cheating it is very unlikely he has said, "Darling, I'm staying at a spa hotel with Jess from work". If it's innocent then he will have said the above.

We have no idea if the wife is already suspicious or having concerns. If I got a text from an acquaintance saying they'd seen my DH at a spa hotel and he'd told me he was away for work and not mentioned a female colleague it may be the info that fills in the gaps.
Like PP said, you'd rather be informed than not.

I wish someone like you had told me when I was in this situation. I felt that I was the last to know which was even more humiliating. People who are saying don't get involved clearly haven't experienced this.

Please tell the wife. A simple - "how are you doing? I saw Tom the other night in Chester but didn't get a chance to talk to him" text could be a way in...

This is just plain odd. Why on earth would you flirt with someone ‘outrageously’ you have no interest in. Do you flirt outrageously with your female friends as it’s also ‘safe’?? If not why not given you’re ‘just mates’ with this man and ‘just mates’ with your female friends?

Because it’s fun, harmless and as I said, safe. He knows there’s nothing behind it, I know there’s nothing behind it when he flirts with me. So we can say things safe in the knowledge neither will misconstrue things and try it on, or get offended etc. That’s precisely why we can flirt so outrageously.

And no, I don’t flirt with my female friends because I don’t enjoy flirting with women. And i presume he doesn’t flirt with his male friends because he doesn’t enjoy flirting with men.