To tell his wife....

[rachielou10]

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

@Tistheseason17

Just send the text suggested earlier. If she wants to look into it she will. I think she likely has suspicions so this will just give her the push. I'd want to receive the text.

Or she already knows, he has got in there with his story first, and said oh I had a drink with Jess on sat night at the spa, bumped into her. And she reads the text and thinks what a gossipy snide bitch, obvs digging for info.

I'm a chicken when it comes to work conflict so I would tell her anonymously. Maybe a letter or something. So I wouldn't mention the hotel as it will be obvious it's you.

If they've been so obvious about it, lots of people would know.

I'd want to know if I was her.

@Bluntness100 and then the wife asks by text: "was Tom with anyone else?" and the OP responds with "No, just the two of them having dinner together, alone, table for 2"

BOOM!

I guess at the end of the day - we should all ask ourselves (messenger shooting or not) would we want to know/be told if someone (doesn't matter who it is) saw our partners out for dinner with another person, just the two of them, far from home (so the OP says) at a hotel? That's the simple question here.

If you are going to do it, certainly don’t do it anonymously or by text! If you are going to throw a grenade into someone’s life, at least have the decency to say it to them directly and answer any questions they have then and there. If you can’t bring yourself to do that, then keep out of it. “Text and run” as a strategy is really cowardly.

I would tell a close friend. I’m not sure I’d tell someone barely know. You have no idea what she does/does not know or what else is going in in her life. Nor how she might react, what support she has etc. But then you barge in with a text which could blow her world apart (which as you’ve texted, you don’t have to see or hear- and can then get on with your day). It might be something she thanks you for, it might be something which causes immense harm to her. You don’t know.

I certainly wouldn’t lie for him, but I’m not sure I’d wade into this one.

It could also cause you issues at work. Friction would be one if the lesser worries I’d say. I doubt you have photographic/hard evidence that they were there, let alone evidence they are actually having an affair (though I do agree it is by far the most likely scenario)- so it’s your word against theirs. You text his wife and tell her you saw Her husband and Jess at X hotel, but whether she believes you or not us only one issue. What if he then accuses you of spreading malicious lies or harassing him/his wife etc. Or Jess reports you for bullying/lying etc. Now you know you aren’t, other people may well think you are telling the truth. But without evidence, it’s only your word vs Tom and/or Jess’s. Things could get messy.

I wouldn't tell

No. I still haven't made a decision.😞

I've been sure I want to tell her. I've thought about it from my own perspective and that's that I would definitely want to know.

I stand by thinking that anyone deserves to know the truth if their partner is being unfaithful.

After hearing other people's perspectives on how it could affect my job, his wife's life, his sons life.
How she could think I'm devious, or a liar.
How my my work colleagues all turn against me.

It's all just made me really rethink if telling her is the best thing to do!!

After reading these posts inhave also considered that if I were in her position and the news came from someone I didn't know well and had only met once, I do admit I'd question their integrity, especially if my husband tried to persuade me otherwise

Urgh I honestly wish I hadn't seen them!!!!!

I just cannot help but feel so, so sorry for his wife!

She can't do it anonymously, it happened 2 weeks ago.
If 'Tom' is up to no good he is likely to have created a scenario where he mentioned bumping into OP so it would be pretty obvious.

I just cannot help but feel so, so sorry for his wife!

I think you need to get a grip, you’re making a shit load of assumptions here. You have no idea if she knows, if they have an open marriage, if they are living seperate lives but together for the kids. You don’t know if his wife was there in The room, or coming down later.

You don’t even know if they are shagging. Other than they were there together you’ve no idea. I’d really try to calm yourself down.

Or, OP, when it does come out her DH will tell her you knew and kept it a secret from her - she is more a friend to you than Tom.

Don’t tell!
I did and got disciplined for gossiping, made my working life very difficult.

I'd keep well out of it. This would be different if she was a close friend. Keep an eye out for this relationship to impact on work though.

This stuff about women sticking together and straightening crowns is twaddle.

The OP has met the woman once. She doesn't know her or anything about her circumstances and she's got no reason whatever to get involved.

@Tistheseason17

Or, OP, when it does come out her DH will tell her you knew and kept it a secret from her - she is more a friend to you than Tom.

Don’t be ridiculous are you trying to emotionally black mail,her into telling? Seriously?

I also agree with Bluntness.

It's a real bugbear of mine that some people try to inveigle themselves into other people's relationships and by posturing that people are 'lovely' when they have no idea of whether they are or not after one meeting. It sounds as ridiculous as it is fake.

Would it be OK to tell or not tell if the wife was 'not lovely' then, OP? My advice would be not to inveigle yourself into other people's relationships unless you're happy for the consequences of your meddling to squarely hit you?

You don't have to be complicit but really the only decent thing to do is to tell your colleagues that you don't want to hear or know anything about it and that you won't lie. Leave it at that. As other posters have said, you're not going to be there for her and you're not a friend, merely an acquaintance. This really isn't your business.

As for the 'anonymous' cowards on the thread... what scummy behaviour.

'Inveigle' twice, eek!

I feel for you OP. ExH had an affair and after my experience if I was in your shoes I’d really, really want to tell her.

I would however, be extremely conflicted and may not actually do this due to the professional risk I’d be really cross Tom had put me in this position

@Bluntness100

I just cannot help but feel so, so sorry for his wife!

I think you need to get a grip, you’re making a shit load of assumptions here. You have no idea if she knows, if they have an open marriage, if they are living seperate lives but together for the kids. You don’t know if his wife was there in The room, or coming down later.

You don’t even know if they are shagging. Other than they were there together you’ve no idea. I’d really try to calm yourself down.

@Bluntness100

You're absolutely right, I don't know any of those things.

But December they seemed happily married.

Tom & Jess have been raising suspicions at work since last May!

However at that time all anyone had seen is some flirty drunken behaviour, sitting together at lunch / going out together at lunch.
All of which could've been innocent.

Now I suppose being in a hotel together could've been innocent too and whilst I don't like to jump the gun / point the finger, I really don't believe that it was.

The hotel we were at isn't just a hotel in the city centre, you might call in and had a drink or lunch.

It is the type of place you'd go for a romantic break! Somewhere you'd book for a getaway.
It's a well hidden hotel and isn't close to any other restaurants or bars.

It isn't even in the county we all live in!

I just really do not think it was innocent.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Would it be OK to tell or not tell if the wife was 'not lovely' then, OP?

Being lovely or not wouldn't make me sway from what I've previously said.

ANYONE deserves to know if their partner is being unfaithful.

I was merely pointing out that my observation of his wife was that she was a lovely person.

I wouldn't worry about work. What's the husband going to complain about "she told my wife I was having an affair with collegue during working hours"? They'd never drop themselves in it would they. Definitely tell her.

What affair in working hours? There IS no affair in working hours. All the OP has seen, all anyone has seen, is a flirtation at the Christmas party; not even a kiss - plus the two of them being very chummy afterwards. Absolutely zero issue. Staying in a hotel together outside of work is only an issue if one is in the reporting line of the other or if there’s a conflict of interest (e.g. Tom is privy to information Jess shouldn’t have). There is no evidence; only gossip. If, however, the OP texts Mrs Tom telling her Tom and Jess are at it over the photocopier, that is an accusation, in writing, that could be seen as malicious.

OP hasn't been 'put' in any position, she's willingly putting herself in it. OP isn't a friend, it's somebody she met once and seems now to building up a case for meddling in somebody else's marriage.

I've read the OP's posts and there's more than a bit of salivation from those and from other posters.

For me the crux would be that if I were in OP's position and genuinely wanted to do this for altruistic reasons, I wouldn't need to post on a chatboard to garner responses from other people who don't know the people and circumstances. But then, OP doesn't know them either and this was so important that it wasn't done straight away...

Do you need your job OP?
Are you willing to work in an hostile environment? Or to be pushed out?

I wouldn't risk my job for someone I barely know. I doubt very much anyone here would either. It is easy for posters to tell you to tell her, but I can guarantee very few (if any) posters would make this much shit for themselves. Do not let posters who will forget all about this thread in a day or two convince you to do something that you will have to live with.

You see it a lot on these types of threads. Posters egging each other on. They don't care about this woman they have never met, not really. It's just easy to say what someone should do from the safety of their sofa, secure in the fact their job is safe.

Op, I wouldn’t say a word . She is not a close friend and you don’t know for certain that her husband is having an affair with Jess.
Furthermore, don’t put your own job in jeopardy for something that you are not even sure about.

@U2HasTheEdge- I agree

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

OP hasn't been 'put' in any position, she's willingly putting herself in it. OP isn't a friend, it's somebody she met once and seems now to building up a case for meddling in somebody else's marriage.

I've read the OP's posts and there's more than a bit of salivation from those and from other posters.

For me the crux would be that if I were in OP's position and genuinely wanted to do this for altruistic reasons, I wouldn't need to post on a chatboard to garner responses from other people who don't know the people and circumstances. But then, OP doesn't know them either and this was so important that it wasn't done straight away...

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Hey!!! I hardly put myself in that position!

I had a night away with my husband and saw them together in a hotel.

Yes it been two weeks, I didn't message her right away for the whole bunch of reasons already discussed on this thread.

I've posted on here as genuinely this is the only time I've ever spoken about it to "anyone" other than my husband!!

Isn't the whole point of a forum that you can post on here anonymously and gather lots of different opinions.
And best of all, no one will actually become Involved.

I think the text about missing her at the spa 2 weeks ago, and if she is free for a drink in a few weeks.

Then its totally innocent 🙆🏽‍♀️