To tell his wife....

[rachielou10]

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

This thread shows there is a certain type of person that takes pleasure in telling another woman her marriage is a sham.

Indeed - or they’ve just a cross between the Taliban and the Stasi (< light hearted disclaimer >

You've met her once and not been in touch for 6 months?

This is about a workmate?

No keep out of it. Bloody hell.

@rachielou10

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

If their is an anonymous way of doing it then I would (although I'm not sure how you would do it) but otherwise your immediate concern is your work life which unfortunately takes priority, but again as some have said on here they'd want to know. I don't envy your moral dilemma at all, makes me feel guilty just readying it

If you are not close friends with the injured party, I really wouldn't put yourself in the middle.

Yes, in most cases, affairs are wrong (some marriages have arrangements) but you are not your brother's keeper and all that.

If it was a friend, you'd owe them some loyalty. But this just seems like you'll mess up your own workplace for people you don't know.

[quote VenusTiger]@Aridane - but what about the wife? Tom should back off!

Have some of you been in the wife's position and been told about it? I have - long, long time ago now, but I didn't lose my shit with the messenger, not in the slightest. I was glad not to have to waste any more of my love and time on such a wanker.

What's wrong with some of you?[/quote]
That's you and your experience Venus.

Some people do shoot the messenger. It happens all the time. You have seen it here before, a poster convinced that someone is just shit stirring.
Some people don't want to face the truth, so in their denial they will do anything to believe the messenger is the arsehole and not their partner. It isn't a risk I would want to take for someone who isn't a friend and when it would cause a toxic work environment.

The people advising getting a burner phone/ sending an anonymous text is cruel. You can't say you care about someone getting treated badly by their partner, then send a random text so that person doesn't even get a chance to ask questions or get support from the person letting them know (I know the OP wasn't suggesting this).

Personally, I think the wife should know because her health is at risk. That trumps everything else. You have a responsibility as a decent human being to spare someone disease and suffering if you can

No, OP doesn't have any responsibility to protect her health. Tom has the responsibility- not OP. OP tells her, work becomes toxic, she feels forced out of work because it is unbearable.. what about OP's mental health?

It will be obvious who sent an anonymous letter/text. Tom and Jess are hardly going to scratch their heads wondering who it could be are they?

If it was a close friend, yes. Doesnt sound like she us so no. It's really none of your business and you don't actually know the dynamics of the relationship. You say he's posting pictures of his family on social media but SM is deceptive. They may be in the midst of separating but want the world to see a happy family.

@Whattodotho

You have to tell her and then it's up to her. You could do it from a different number or something like that. So at least she knows and just say where and when so that maybe she can check bank statements etc

I wouldn't make it clear its from you but think she should know.

I disagree. If you're going to meddle have the guts to own it. That's just cowardly.

I think you should mind your own business. In any case the wife isn't even a friend of yours and you're not in regular contact with her.

@NiceGerbil

You've met her once and not been in touch for 6 months?

This is about a workmate?

No keep out of it. Bloody hell.

This bears repeating.

You are getting involved in work colleagues lives.

It isn't your business. It isn't your responsibility. You can't save the world, and you will come out of this with a lot of hassle. If you are happy to take the risk and look for a new job if it becomes hostile for something that isn't your business then go ahead, but you are taking that risk when you don't know anything for sure, or even if she would want you to involve yourself in her marriage.

My job is important to me. I need it. I wouldn't put myself in the firing line so I can say I did the 'moral thing'. These are colleagues and someone you met once.

I would tell a close friend.

Not my colleagues wife who I have met once and so literally don't know at all.

I'm amazed at all the people who say yes.

I'd tell her, it's the moral thing to do, if you are concerned about work then have a confidential chat with HR. This is putting you in an awkward position at work too so legitimate to speak to them for advice.

I don't want to sound hurtful but if she hasn't contacted you for six months then she's not too bothered about maintaining the new potential friendship
If it was me then I wouldn't say anything whilst you're still working from home but I would say to him next time you see him, "What did you think of the hotel in Chester?, H and I really enjoyed it".
This way he will know that you definitely saw him, haven't forgotten about it and will hopefully be squirming, know that the cat is out of the bag and have to either end his marriage or his affair.

Telllll herrrr!!

If my husband was having an affair, I'd be grateful if someone told me even if it was a stranger I'd never met before. The fact that you have got friendly with this woman is even better. Do not let her waste another second of her life with this man. Who knows, she's probably already making herself sick suspecting something. Tell her.

I wouldn't worry about work. What's the husband going to complain about "she told my wife I was having an affair with collegue during working hours"? They'd never drop themselves in it would they. Definitely tell her.

@Bloomburger

Send me the wife's number, I'll text her and tell her then block her number. You stay out of it and she gets to know.

Good grief.

What's the husband going to complain about "she told my wife I was having an affair with collegue during working hours"?

If you don’t realise there are numerous ways “Tom” could fuck OP over at work, you’re extremely naive. And I bet he wouldn’t hesitate.

@VinylDetective

What's the husband going to complain about "she told my wife I was having an affair with collegue during working hours"?

If you don’t realise there are numerous ways “Tom” could fuck OP over at work, you’re extremely naive. And I bet he wouldn’t hesitate.

Definitely.

From 'She's weird and I think has a crush on me/is stalking my wife and telling her I'm having an affair' to 'She said x about Important Client/is passing secrets to Main Competitor'.

Jesus! You've met the woman once and you want to involve yourself in drama on the basis of supposition rather than fact.
It has nothing to do with you. You're far too invested.

Telllll herrrr!!

It’s not East Enders

No I wouldn’t tell her, if she was a close friend I would but not in this instance.

I don’t think I would anyway, it’s so difficult.

Often, isn’t it a case of you’ll open up the shit storm ahead and might be blamed for causing trouble when you were just telling the truth.

Still, I’d be the same as you OP.

I think a text along the lines of the suggestion above, a breezy "Hi. Saw Tom at X in Chester on the ?th and it reminded me that I haven't been in touch for ages. How are you?"

If you get a text back saying she's dumped him, great, but if not, hopefully she'll confront him.

I think women need to stick together and expose these cheating bastards. I'd definitely want to know, just so I could whup his arse all the way to the divorce court.

@GazingAndGrazing

I’d message along the lines of being so long for the lunch we spoke about. I saw Tom at the Dorchester on Friday evening having dinner and it reminded me of you. Let me know if you want to catch up etc

It’s just enough information without blurting it out in one go.

I like this message. However, personally I'd change it slightly so it said that you saw him and made you realise how long it is since you and her have spoken. I wouldn't offer to meet up though as that could open a whole can of worms.

Honestly keep out of it, somehow it will end up causing you a huge amount of grief.

It's his mess leave him to deal with it.

If down the line you become friends with her properly then yeah maybe tell her but for now don't

Do you really need stress in your life.?

Well @rachielou10 have you decided what to do? Either leave it and never mention it to another soul, or tell the wife?

Be the woman who fixes another woman's crown, without telling the world that it was crooked.

I really feel for you! An impossible situation.

I was about to ask if you have a mutual friend/acquaintance you could seek advice from about what the wife’s preference is likely to be but as I type it I realise that option comes across as gossipy/even worse. And her preference is likely NOT to have other people discussing it behind her back, of course.

I would absolutely want to know, but this thread shows how polarising this is.

How about a new thread with vote: if an acquaintance had evidence your DH was having an affair, would you want them to tell you? YANBU yes, YABU no...

Just send the text suggested earlier. If she wants to look into it she will. I think she likely has suspicions so this will just give her the push. I'd want to receive the text.