To tell his wife....

[rachielou10]

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

What about something like this?

"Hi Tom's wife,

Really sorry to hear you and Tom are no longer together. Saw him at x spa on x date and didn't know what to say.

I'd still like to meet up for lunch if you're interested. Hope you're doing ok and let me know a good day for it.

• rachielou10"

I would tell her

The moment you send an "anonymous" letter, text etc he will know it was you. It can create a very hostile environment at work or could turn nasty, bad mouth you to senior management for any other ..unrelated reason.

@Thatbliddywoman

Is there definitely something going on? Ive been out for dinner with people who aren't anything but friends (when we've both been in relationships)? Was it definitely a romantic trip?

@Thatbliddywoman

Well I can't be 100% certain, but my gut tells me that it wasn't just "friends having dinner"

They both looked quite shocked to have spotted me and there was no waving or coming over to say hello.

I think because of the speculation about them I instantly felt like I knew what was going on and I just wanted to leave so I equally didn't make any effort to wave or speak.

I've been in this situation. We all lived in the same Street and I worked with the man who was having an affair with another neighbour. He made it obvious to me what was going on.I gave him a week to tell his wife or I was going to tell her. He told her before the end of the week. You play with fire you can get your fingers burned. I would have told her if he hadn't.

And about the "reaction" his wife would get, probably you wouldn't be the one to witness it, but Tom.

Wife reads message: Tom, there is a message here that says you cheat!
Tom thinks: Oh it must be rachieloo

I’d want to know. I’d send a message saying something along the lines of ‘happened to see Tom in Chester on Saturday and remembered I’d been meaning to get in touch, fancy a coffee?’

Imagine if it turned out they were actually doing a business deal with the spa but it was controversial work wise and that’s why they were shady.

@lurklemurkle

What about something like this?

"Hi Tom's wife,

Really sorry to hear you and Tom are no longer together. Saw him at x spa on x date and didn't know what to say.

I'd still like to meet up for lunch if you're interested. Hope you're doing ok and let me know a good day for it.

• rachielou10"

I like this idea. It’s not snitching or anything and if you talk a bit via text it wouldn’t be strange for you to offer at least text support.

The presumption that they separated also shows her that it was more than just work stuff or work friends meeting up.

If it were me I'd want to know. She could waste half her life being cheated on, she might contract an STI which could affect her fertility.

She might give up her career to be a SAHP assuming that her home life is stable.

The easiest thing to do is do nothing, but the right thing to do is to say something.

If I were the wife I'd want to know, as others have said maybe you could text her saying you bumped into Tom in Chester and leave it there - if he's lied about where he was that weekend then she'll know without you having to give further details.

Also, fuck Tom.

Don’t fuck Tom! He’s spreading his oats wide enough as it is

@celticmissey

I've been in this situation. We all lived in the same Street and I worked with the man who was having an affair with another neighbour. He made it obvious to me what was going on.I gave him a week to tell his wife or I was going to tell her. He told her before the end of the week. You play with fire you can get your fingers burned. I would have told her if he hadn't.

I think this is a good solution though you said you dont have his number so that may be a problem.

I would definitely want to be told though

@VenusTiger beat me to it. That's exactly what I would do.

If I was the wife I would want to know.

@Pogmella 😂

Having been the wife in this situation, it’s awful when you eventually find out and realise that you’re the last to know. Also, you think back to his work events and realise why some people seemed to be acting strangely around you. In your mind, everyone is laughing at your stupidity even though they’re probably not. My fucking (!) ex was having an affair whilst my mum was dying and I was juggling trying to work, travel to the hospital to visit mum and look after the family at home. It was the most awful time in my life when I found out about the deception and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

Most men are rubbish at maintaining an affair without leaving some clues, but if you’re blissfully ignorant, you won’t spot them. If you text the wife saying you’re sorry to learn that they’re no longer together, at least she can start looking for evidence, if she wants to know.

All those posters saying to keep quiet, presumably have never experienced the nightmare of discovering you’re being deceived. It’s not something you ever forget even though it’s been more than 20 years in my case.

This thread shows there is a certain type of person that takes pleasure in telling another woman her marriage is a sham.

@lotsolove

This thread shows there is a certain type of person that takes pleasure in telling another woman her marriage is a sham.

@lotsolove

Hmm. I can't speak for others, but if I personally took pleasure in that then I wouldn't be wasting my time asking for opinions on what to do.

I would've messaged his wife two weeks ago when I saw him out at dinner.

@lurklemurkle

What about something like this?

"Hi Tom's wife,

Really sorry to hear you and Tom are no longer together. Saw him at x spa on x date and didn't know what to say.

I'd still like to meet up for lunch if you're interested. Hope you're doing ok and let me know a good day for it.

• rachielou10"

This is a great idea, that way he can't outright accuse you of "causing trouble"

The most decent thing to do would be to tell her that you saw him, as suggested up thread. That’s a fact, it’s what you know. She might want more info, your thoughts etc in which case she can ask. She is an adult and deserves to have all the facts so she can make decisions about her own life.
The most likely scenario is that he is having an affair, she doesn’t know, but the very fact that he is deceiving her is driving distance between them (it is known that this happens) and making their marriage worse, she can unconsciously feel that but doesn’t know why.
You know, it’s true that “only the two people in a marriage know what’s going on in it” etc etc but honestly the likely scenario here is that one of the people in the marriage DOESN’T know what’s going on. In her own marriage.
Of course she MIGHT know and be ignoring it, they MIGHT have an open marriage, but those scenarios seem to be a lot less common, really, let’s be honest.
And Tom and Jess MIGHT be just friends but again how many people do we all know of whose spouse has been “just friends” with somebody who turns out to be their affair partner?
But the only actual fact you know is that you saw them together so you can tell her that, on the basis you saw him, it reminded you of her etc.
You can make sure that she knows only she has that information so she can decide what to do. I think rather few people would throw out a husband on the basis of suspicion alone but this gives her a chance to actually find some evidence that would satisfy her.

I'd want to know if my husband was cheating on me.I'd send an "anonymous" letter to Tom's détailing the facts you do know rather than the gossip including the hotel.

How strange people are, reading malice into the OP'S position because they can't comprehend her having a conscience. It just goes to show you shouldn't take advice from people you don't know and respect.

Personally, I think the wife should know because her health is at risk. That trumps everything else. You have a responsibility as a decent human being to spare someone disease and suffering if you can-and a STD could certainly cause those things. I'd also be aware that she may not be in a position to fully consent to sex with her husband in these circumstances-she may be aware and fine with the situation and the risks but it would seem...less likely, given our society where monogamy in marriage is very much the norm.

The tricky part is how to make her aware with no unnecessary suffering for either of you. She doesn't know you well enough to trust you so I think you could inform her anonymously and it would carry similar weight with less responsibility for you and shame for her. I can't think of other circumstances where I'd suggest an anonymous letter but here, it seems like you would have done just enough and she would be free to make further inquiries with the hotel or ignore it as she wanted. Her DH may tell her it's you but it seems unlikely. I would stress that you're giving the information in this manner because you barely know her, don't want to get further involved but wishes to give her the opportunity to take whatever steps she might feel necessary.

I like the idea of saying ‘saw Tom at the hotel the other week, reminded me that it’s been too long and we should meet up’. Something like that

But saying "saw Tom" isn't really telling her anything. If anything, she could check with Tom, hear his lies and think they're likely to be true because the OP was so breezy. She might not recognise the veiled hint. I wouldn't.