To tell his wife....

[rachielou10]

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

OP you were in a tricky situation from the moment you met his wife at the works do. During that works do you were already 'covering' for Tom. You didn't say 'Tom usually spends these events draped over Jess.' If you had pursued the friendship and started meeting for coffees etc, surely it would already have been an elephant in the room.

I would stay out of it as far as the wife is concerned. If you are really unable to let this go, I would talk to Tom. Email him to say can we arrange a time to talk, whether by phone or online call. Then just tell Tom his behaviour has put you in this position. Complain to him and leave his wife out of it.

So to recap. You met a woman once at a party, got on with her and now want to drop the bomb that her husband is having an affair

Back off!

@Manolin

you think she'd admit to it if she was?

Yes it's possible. For reasons stated. Rachel and Manolin and Venus Tiger are all fiction.

I stated in my post "let's call them", which tells you I'm not disclosing their real names.

I'm sure "Tom" or "Jess" aren't on MN, but telling you their real names would be pretty stupid of me!!!

I'd tread carefully - is there anyone trustworthy at work you can discuss with?

The wife isn't a close friend you're protecting, you barely know her, so while it is awful what her scummy husband is doing -by the sound of it- you dont want to find yourself in a tricky situation in your workplace due to the inevitable fallout.

@Aridane - but what about the wife? Tom should back off!

Have some of you been in the wife's position and been told about it? I have - long, long time ago now, but I didn't lose my shit with the messenger, not in the slightest. I was glad not to have to waste any more of my love and time on such a wanker.

What's wrong with some of you?

@RedHelenB

Could it have been work?

@RedHelenB

Well I suppose there is that, but it seems strange that work would send them to a spa.

We're all in the same office building, but different areas of work.

If they did the same job I could perhaps believe it MAY have been work related.

@VenusTiger - what about her? She is a virtual stranger to the OP.

Arrange to meet up with her. Mention you saw them at the hotel in Chester and act surprised as if you assumed it was work. I’d also innocently ask Tom and Jess how they cleared such a nice hotel with expenses and maybe drop in I was meeting wife later that week- I bet she was jealous when she saw the pics!

I am in the “it’s not your business, stay out of it” camp. You might split up the child’s parents and their affair might be short lived. She may not rather know in the grand scheme of things.

I’d ask the latter q about expenses in front of a group at work tbh

As someone who was the last to find out, I wish someone had told me and I hadn't wasted years of my life living a lie.

It's true you don't know her that well, but maybe you'll end up getting to know her better because of this?

I'd be completely straightforward, call her and tell her you saw them, it's been playing on your mind, you were unsure whether you were overstepping a line by telling her but you felt it was the right thing that she had the information and you're sorry if you've done the wrong thing by telling her. Say how nice it was meeting her before and you'd love to see her again if she'd like to meet up.

Yes I have been in the wife’s position

I wasn’t told but I knew for some time And of course he denied it. It was painful it was humiliating but it was our relationship to sort out

As much as I would have liked to have known sooner I don’t think it’s for others to act as moralIty saviours

Expect backlash at work in the nastiest way possible if you do open your mouth about this

The whole fucking point is that one person in the marriage doesn't have a clue what is going on and is being kept in the dark by her selfish philandering husband

And you know this? You and OP don’t know if they have an open marriage, if she’s unconcerned about his infidelity, even if they’re still together. That’s a massive assumption you’ve made.

Yes.

You might split up the child’s parents and their affair might be short lived.

Oh FFS! What utter bollocks is this?! No, OP will not be responsible for splitting them up @Mummadeeze - it's Tom who's responsible for that, and Jess for that matter. Good grief!!!

@BlackSwan - interestingly, if the whole of work find out because Tom and Jess start openly being dicks towards OP - do you think other work colleagues and HR will be blind to it and not do anything?

What planet is this? Hollywood?

If you were my friend I'd murder you if you didn't tell me
....SO shame there's no code of conduct between women that if someone tells you hubby's cheating you don't drag her name into it but they do this... all the time.
....And telling will cause trouble at work
....And finding another job during a pandemic might be hell.
So...sadly... NO I wouldn't

@Aridane - how many strangers do you meet, chat to and swap numbers with?

I'm still very sad that none of my exH's work colleagues who knew what he was doing and with whom didn't tell me. I thought it was very odd that they actively avoided me at work events.

I made some big life decisions based on the fact I thought my marriage was fine. Ones that made it much more complicated when I realised it wasn't. If only someone had been 'brave' enough to tell me. It would have saved me so much heart ache.

Please tell her just the facts. Where you saw him who he was with and the date you saw them. Nothing else. She'll work it out. She is probably already struggling to understand why her H is being such an arse towards her. People having affairs tend to be quite unkind and cutting to their partners, to get a reaction that allows them to say to themselves 'I'm justified doing what I'm doing because they are angry/mad/crazy/unpleasant'.

@Rossaloony

What's Tom like op? (Obviously apart from being a cheating dirtbag) Do you talk at all?

I'd like to say he's awful, but actually he's always seemed to me, like a decent guy!!!

We do speak, it's usually in the canteen.
Just general conversation really.

We started to speak more after the Christmas party, but I think that's because my husband and I were on their table!

I haven't really spoken to Jess all that much. A few hello's inside of work.

A few of us used to go for a few drinks on a Friday after work and she'd always come but she's a few years younger than me, I've never really seemed to have much in common with her.

Could you say to Tom you'd seen him & jess & hadn't realised he had split up with his wife & you must txt her as you hadn't spoke for a while. See what he says

I'm always surprised by MN when it comes to these threads.

For me, absolutely the right thing to do is to tell her. However, it's not the easiest thing. You risk a whole bunch of negative implications.

In reality, I know what I would hope I'd do, but I don't think I would know until I'm in that situation.

I think / hope, that I would send her a matter of fact message. "Hi xx, I saw Tom out in Chester the other day with Jess. Just checking there's nothing odd going"

Is there definitely something going on? Ive been out for dinner with people who aren't anything but friends (when we've both been in relationships)? Was it definitely a romantic trip?

Get a burner phone, a cheap sim only one. Send a text, wait for confirmation and throw it away. She knows and you're not involved.