AIBU to think my sister is being an idiot?

[Rainbowsandpotsofgold]

Ok so my darling sister (29) is pregnant with her 1st baby after trying for 2 years. Shes decided she wants an elective c section ...no medical reason...she does suffer with fibromyalgia but so do me and my mum (2 natural births each).

Shes made this decision based on
A) She's afraid of a long labour ( I was 15 having my eldest while living at home, was in slow labour for 5 days and 17hours active labour but my daughter was born stargazing which wasnt picked up until she was coming out)
B) She doesn't want to tear ( no idea where this fear has come from 🤷‍♀️)

My argument is that...

1. Recovery from surgery can take longer for fibro sufferers
2. Anaesthetic/ epidurals don't work as well on us either
3. She lives 30 miles away from us, near her husband's family and knowing my sister, she will expect us ( our mum at least) to be there every day ( mum has fibro, ms and 2 Foster kids of school age plus my elderly grandparents who we both care for)
4. With all the uncertainty regarding covid, she will possibly be in hospital alone for a few days after the birth
5. After trying for so long I dont understand why she wouldn't at least want to try a natural birth?

She's a nightmare to try and talk to and once she's made a decision (even bad ones) she wont change her mind (typically baby of the family syndrome - brat)

Just to add...I will be showing her the replies as she is refusing to listen to me, my mum or my gran (who has had a natural birth and a c section...50 years ago but I dont think the basics have changed)

AIBU to think shes being an utter idiot in thinking a c section is the 'easiest' (her words) option?

Every one of your posts makes you sound worse and worse..

Reread them:
she is refusing to listen to me
want to lock her in a room
help her choose the right path

Shes a grown woman. You’ve told her your opinion, now you need to let her do what she wants.

It’s completely her choice. I had horrible labours with both my DC, I wish I’d chosen to have a c-section. I wanted to but people convinced me to have a vaginal birth despite having a few of this, it still traumatises me

(typically baby of the family syndrome - brat)

I'm the younger of my siblings. There's less of a gap between us but even so as you get older, any gap just diminishes. She's 29, she's an adult. She's plenty old enough to have a family of her own. If you want to shift the family dynamic, then you stop being the bossy older sister. The youngest don't have to be brats - that's just offensive.

C sections are major surgery, yes. We have evolved to give birth yes. However, as a species we're pretty shit at it and before modern obstetrics evolved maternal mortality was ridiculously high. Walking upright has narrowed the pelvis and our bigger brains and bigger heads mean we are, in comparison to other mammals, trying to get a bigger baby through a smaller gap. (Even allowing for the fact that we give birth comparatively earlier in the foetus's development). If she wants surgery leave her to it. Pushing her the way you and the rest of the family do will make her dig her heels in and will perpetuate family roles in which she is not allowed to be fully adult.

Tl: dr - back off.

Butt out. None of your beeswax, once you've told her what you think.

Mind your own business OP.

I'm still in pain from my natural birth 2 years later.

Her birth, her choice. If you don't want to help her afterwards, that's your choice.

I'm always slightly wary of the phrase 'we just want what's best for her/him etc' It usually means we want to control what they do and we know better.
Wind ya neck in.

I have fibro and I've had two c sections both no problem recovering from, but the second was far the easiest as it was planned and I hadn't been in labour for 48 hours before hand.

Just to add, I don't see your post as judgemental or none of your business. It seems more like you want her to consider the cons of a c-section and think it through. Having a c-section does mean you need a lot more help in the weeks after it and take much longer to feel normal and pain free again.

So you, your Mum and your Nan have all piled on her because she wants to exercise her right to have her baby her way? You are treating her like a baby not a 29 year old. Part of being an adult is making decisions and sometimes learning later on that you actually made the wrong decision. Surely she has looked into all the options, taken medical advice and based her decision on that advice. You can’t live her life for her. You may or may not be right about her decision but it’s her right to choose and her consequences to suffer if its the wrong decision. Whilst you say you are not bullying her, you are all hounding her to change her mind. I would be really peed off if I was her right now. It’s ok not to agree with her choice but not to badger her until she caves in and does what you want.

A WOMANS CHOICE IS HER OWN TO MAKE.

Don't be surprised if she distanced herself from you for this.

I had an emergency c-section and could pick up my baby!

Pain is subjective she is probably frightened, it up to her surely.

It’s up to your sister what she chooses to regarding the birth, not you. However, she needs to discuss the fears she has with a doctor or midwife for her own sake.

I don’t doubt you care about her but you do sound like a bit of a bully and if your relationship with her is anything like mine is with my sister (and you sound a lot like her tbh) your aggressive way of going about things won’t make her change her mind.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-20348463
Are women with a fear of childbirth being supported?

At Liverpool Women's Hospital, consultant midwife Simon Mehigan helps women overcome these kinds of fears.

"There is a misconception that it's all women who are too posh to push. But the vast majority are women who have had babies before.

"They think about what happened last time - when they had no control - and it makes them very fearful."

His approach is to see them regularly during their pregnancies, build up their confidence and unpick the causes of their fear.

"The key is not to say 'no' to a request for a Caesarean section," he says.

Instead, Simon spends time explaining the birth choices available and discussing the 'what ifs' so that they (and their partners) are not going into the experience blind.

Giving them the right information and support makes them feel in control and that can lead to a change of heart, he explains.

"The majority end up up opting for a vaginal birth rather than C-section. My desk is covered with cards from mums saying 'I'm so proud of myself for doing it'."

But that approach does not work for everyone.

This guy has a specialism in birth fear. He holds the view that the very worst thing you can do is say to a woman who is in this position that they should not have a CS. All it does it puts the barriers up and makes them MORE DETERMINED to have a CS instead of allowing them to build up a relationship with their Health Carers and this bond of trust to unpick what is going on. He views the best way to deal with this is to actually respect the woman and her views and to treat them as valid rather than having an attitude that she is somehow infantile and incapable of making such a decision.

He found quite the opposite. In many cases these women are more informed than the average woman and have spend a long time researching it. Women who suffer from tokophobia often delay pregnancy because of all these fears and the need to work out a way to manage the birth.

I SERIOUSLY suggest you read up on the subject PROPERLY rather than spouting UTTER nonsense.

Start with the NICE guidelines.

If you would like more to read to try to understand why your sister might be doing this, and y'know employ a little empathy towards her, there are plenty of women on MN who can help you do this.

If you want a whole load of background reading I'm happy to provide here or via PM.

Educate yourself on the subject.

No interference from me..my mum, gran and myself have had 1 conversation with her to try and get her to CONSIDER a natural birth and nothing has been said since.....I would never not support her decision but in our opinion she hasn't considered the pros and cons for each option and I was hoping that by asking for as many different opinions as I could.....maybe I could have worded my original post differently and honestly I didnt expect to be called obnoxious and vile...but silly me expected an adult conversation/ debate with a lot of women who have pros and cons for both natural birth and a c section.

Yes it is her decision and I will 100% support that...doesn't change the fact that we dont think she has considered her decision from all angles and is blinkered by what she thinks is her easiest option without considering the risks involved. Yes there are risks with a natural delivery but what about the risks involved with, however routine it may be, what still amounts to major surgery

Also even if does come round to the idea of a vaginal birth and then needs a c section after all, your scare tactics are going to freak her out which isn’t helpful.

I had a natural birth with DS1 - long ended up with episiotomy and forceps

Ds2 short labour ended in emcs - it was a breeze to recover from in comparison

You just don’t know how it Will go and if dr willing to support it due to her fybro then that’s her decision

Stop bullying your sister into having the birth you think is best. It is fuck all to do with you.

Her birth is her choice. Not yours.

When interviewed, a third of consultants said they would opt for an elective c section over a natural birth.

I had an ELCS for exactly your sister’s reasons. I was up and about just as quickly as friends who had natural births.

I am appalled that you are treating your sister the way you are.

@Iamthedevilinthedetail

She's all worried about her fou fou being not as tight afterwards. In the end it's her choice. Docs like ceserians. They can fit their busy days around them. I'd hate to pick a date and decide that was going to be my kids birthday though.

What a revolting post. There are many reasons for a woman wanting a section and all are legitimate.

I wouldn’t have made those choices for myself but that’s the beauty of body autonomy, I made my own choices. Keep your beak out.

"I've called her an idiot because she is refusing to listen to any advice, experiences (good or bad) she has closed off any other options other than a c section...."

No no no OP. She doesn't have to 'listen to advice ', although from your ranting on here it sounds like the poor woman has had more than an earful. Why should she listen to you? She is an adult. She has made a decision. It's not something you need to change.

You say she is 'refusing to listen to experiences'. In fact that is exactly what YOU are doing on this thread. Loads of us have presented alternative views and experiences, all of which you have disregarded!

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold none of what you said matters as its not your choice!

Leave your sister alone. And if everyone is piling on you, GUESS WHAT?! YOU'RE THE PROBLEM

You’ve all given her your two cents, now you need to drop the subject and leave her alone. She will discuss this all with her midwife and doctor, if they have concerns they can discuss it, but it isn’t your place. You’ve expressed your concerns, it’s up to her what she does. You can think she is blinkered, but you can’t know how she feels. Just need to leave it now and support her through it, with no judgement.
And that includes after, if she DOES struggle, all your family need to make sure that no one says ‘I told you so’, because that will be the last thing she needs.

Here is the thing - it is a medical decision and if she is cleared to have one then it is fine

I have had a ELCS and a VBAC and there is no easy option - but actually I didnt find the recovery that different between the 2.

ELCS was really painful for around 24 hours afterwards but then calmed down. Painful for a week and stayed in then find afterwards

VBAC had a 2 hour constant labour that was the same as those 24 hours of pain and then stitches with no pain relief. 3-4 days of discomfort and pain (internal and 2nd degree tear) then fine.

You’re being really unreasonable. It’s her birth, and she’s entitled to make whatever decision she likes about it.

She isn’t an idiot because you disagree with her or would do things differently.