AIBU to think my sister is being an idiot?

[Rainbowsandpotsofgold]

Ok so my darling sister (29) is pregnant with her 1st baby after trying for 2 years. Shes decided she wants an elective c section ...no medical reason...she does suffer with fibromyalgia but so do me and my mum (2 natural births each).

Shes made this decision based on
A) She's afraid of a long labour ( I was 15 having my eldest while living at home, was in slow labour for 5 days and 17hours active labour but my daughter was born stargazing which wasnt picked up until she was coming out)
B) She doesn't want to tear ( no idea where this fear has come from 🤷‍♀️)

My argument is that...

1. Recovery from surgery can take longer for fibro sufferers
2. Anaesthetic/ epidurals don't work as well on us either
3. She lives 30 miles away from us, near her husband's family and knowing my sister, she will expect us ( our mum at least) to be there every day ( mum has fibro, ms and 2 Foster kids of school age plus my elderly grandparents who we both care for)
4. With all the uncertainty regarding covid, she will possibly be in hospital alone for a few days after the birth
5. After trying for so long I dont understand why she wouldn't at least want to try a natural birth?

She's a nightmare to try and talk to and once she's made a decision (even bad ones) she wont change her mind (typically baby of the family syndrome - brat)

Just to add...I will be showing her the replies as she is refusing to listen to me, my mum or my gran (who has had a natural birth and a c section...50 years ago but I dont think the basics have changed)

AIBU to think shes being an utter idiot in thinking a c section is the 'easiest' (her words) option?

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

I've called her an idiot because she is refusing to listen to any advice, experiences (good or bad) she has closed off any other options other than a c section....my biggest concerns are her increased recovery time due to her fibro and the extra pressure this will put on my mum...as I said, being the 'baby' of the family ( something she plays up to I might add for all the comments about me still seeing her as a baby) she will expect for us to be there every day....something I'd be more than happy to do ( my 1st niece on our side...I have niece and a nephew through my ot) as my auntie is/was my absolute favourite person in the world.

Can I just say to everyone calling me obnoxious and having a go at me......yes I'm calling her an idiot but have any of you stopped to think that I am genuinely terrified for her and the thought of her going through major surgery actually makes me want to lock her in a room and take care of her? There is 6 years between us and I was brought up to look after her and help her choose the right path....I dont think a c section is the right path for her...she isnt a homebody who will be satisfied to sit at home everyday, she is a compulsive cleaner (thank you mrs hinch 🤦‍♀️) who rearranges her furniture on a weekly basis, has 2 stepchildren who they share custody of, who hate being indoors and she has a holiday abroad booked for 8 weeks after her due date .....shoot me for wanting her to understand that most natural births hurt like a bitch but dont take 6+ weeks to recover from

If you were brought up to look after her that sounds like quite an unhealthy family dynamic. There is also 6 years between me and my sister, she is my baby sister and sometimes she does make bad choices (don’t we all) but you can’t control her like this. Do you really not hear how controlling this comes across?

By all means say “I will not be able to help every day given you may have a long recovery time etc” and she will have to factor that in. I get her personality of being the baby and all the other stuff but she’s going to have to grow up now and your family will have to stop pandering to her. All you can do is give her the best advice and let her get on with it.

@TitianaTitsling

This is the most sanctimonious, judgy post have read in a while-- leave her alone! Your constant post of 'we think' 'we say' is awful. Were you this judged and overshadowed at your first birth? Am assuming as you say you were only 15 and living at home your parents helped you? Whys this help not forthcoming to her?

Yep.

I've read A LOT of posts on this subject over the 12 or so years I've been on MN.

This thread, is by far the worst I ever seen.

I wonder if the OP is still going to show her sister this thread...

OP - I think you're labouring under the misconception that your sisters birth wishes have anything at all to do with you.
You really are taking a whole packet of hobnobs with your post.
Are you serious?

You are going to alienate your sister if you keep trying to control her and make her do what you want her to do.

Are you going to tell her how to take care of her baby and force her to comply?

A loving sister accepts their siblings making their own choices but supports her. You are not supporting her.

And you would be incredibly nasty to show her a thread where you repeatedly call her an idiot and a brat. If you were my sister I’d stop talking to you as I wouldn’t be able to come with how overwhelming you’re being.

She is going to have to give birth, with all its risks, either way. Stop talking about her like she is having a boob job.

I’m calling her an idiot because she refuses to listen to advice, won’t listen to experiences good or bad and won’t consider any other option
You can see that’s exactly what you’re doing OP?
I’ve had 1 VB one emergency cs and two elective cs. Give me a c section any day. I also have severe Crohn’s but I’m allowed to go into labour so you might want to check your judgemental attitude hasn’t caused your best mate to lie to you.

Oh and, it’s none of your business.

I'm with those posters that think she should make her own decision, though appreciate that you're trying to look out for her.

I can't give any view on natural births as I had two planned caesarians (for medical reasons). They were both straightforward and we enjoyed the births. For the second, I was back home 24 hours later and didn't find the recovery process too difficult to be honest. I have arthritis and perhaps that strangely helped as I'm also used to living with pain. When my husband's paternity leave was over, I was cleared to drive though I avoided unnecessary heavy lifting.

Hope your sister's birth goes well, whatever she chooses.

Fucking hell you sound like a nightmare. You called your sister and idiot and brat because she's doing something different to you. Are you going to be the same when the babies here? Telling her that her parenting choices are wrong and that she's an idiot and a brat for doing it differently to you. I hope she tells you to piss off. Here you can have my first ever biscuit given on a post. Actually have 2.

This isn’t a reverse or something is it, actually?

Its really none of your business so for that yabu however it is my absolute pet hate when people say a c section is the easy option take it from someone who has had 3 IT IS NOT EASY, its can be a painful recovery, i actually nearly died during my 2nd (planned) section as i had a bad reaction to the mix of drugs given.

I had a difficult vaginal birth (3rd degree tears) for my eldest then a c section for my second child.
The c section was far worse. I could barely move for 6 weeks. I couldn't sit up from lying down or stand up from sitting without agony and a strange rolling method. Stomach muscles are important and took YEARS to recover. It's major surgery.

I couldn't bend over to pick my newborn from her moses basket / cot and then stand up.

Is there a man / instagram telling her that a birth will make her vagina less sexy / tight? As that is bollocks!!! Doesn't happen. Vagina is designed for this, especially when youre young. It springs back.

My stomach has never recovered from cs and I have a nasty scar and 2 inch sticking out, by 5 inch wedge (or shelf!) of fat/ muscle just over scar. With vaginal births you don't get that, so re man / instagram view VB is better.

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

One of my points exactly! Its major surgery!

as I said before, subject to any co-morbs, it’s straightforward and routine surgery which isn’t even performed by a surgeon.

Its not without risk of course, but nor is vaginal birth. Do you think someone cutting your vagina with scissors and shoving forceps up your vagina, before pulling them out potentially causing catatastrophic and irreparable tearing is in some way “minor”? Because if not why do you persist with the “oh but it’s major surgery” comment as though VB isn’t also a major process?

You sound very judgy about women’s birth choices.

Having had a C section, I thought during and for several hours after the birth that it was great - no pain - until that evening when it set in with a vengeance. It meant 3 horrible days in hospital, horrible pain and barely able to move for a couple of days and weeks of recovery. I can't compare it to labour and a natural birth as I haven't had one, but I think it would have been preferable as the pain wouldn't have lasted as long or recovery time been anything as long.

The way you talk about your sister is so patronising and disrespectful - I can't believe you were actually going to show her this thread! I wouldn't ever speak to my sister again if she spoke about me like that.

I'm guessing that you won't now show her this thread as 90% of people have voted Yabu and the réponses here explain why.

You honestly need to listen to the responses here and take on board that nearly EVERYONE thinks you're being unreasonable.

Also maybe think about why you are so obsessed with how your sister gives birth and why you're unable to respect her choice. This all says a lot more about you than it does about her.

I think anyone who thinks a C-section is easy is seriously deluded. I've had two and they were absolutely horrific. Not so much the surgery, more that you are expected to recover from major surgery without the pain relief that you would get if you were anywhere else in a hospital other than the maternity ward. Two paracetamol and 'you've just had a baby, you're not ill you know' does not help when you have been cut open and had your insides pulled around. The way you are treated is barbaric

The way you were treated is barbaric, but that is not everyone's experience. I most certainly was not just given paracetomal. I got other drugs too that really did eliminate all pain. I loved the c-sections - I started life as a mum feeling alert and refreshed, pain free and trauma free.

YABU.

The vast majority of women tear. Lots are left with permanent birth injuries. Lots are incontinent after birth and some permanently. Lots have PTSD. Lots are left in the care of midwives without the equipment or resources to properly care and monitor them. The rate of forceps use and associated complications is highest in the UK compared to similar countries in Europe.
I had natural births and think she is right to consider both options and choose the one she feels most comfortable with.

It's her choice.

And to be honest, if she's that worried about a vaginal birth anyway, the anxiety will only make it harder and more likely to end in intervention as it is.

There is no guarantees with how birth will go ie no actual guarantee that an attempted vaginal will be more straightforward than a planned section? Yours and your family experiences cannot preface hers, we are all different.

Have her medical team even approved this? Her reasons seem shaky to me but it really is up to her.

You could perhaps support her with some literature (your baby your birth) around Hypnobirthing etc so she feels more informed but ultimately it's her right. If you can't help out so much after just make sure she knows your and your DMs boundaries.

It’s not for you to decide what’s best for her. It’s her decision. You need to mind your own business.

Yabvu

Her body her choice
I had a textbook first birth and skipped into hospital for the second one, which took me two years (and a prolapse as souvenir) to recover from. I am now booked for an elective section in 4 weeks time. I don’t believe recovery from a natural birth is always easy nor from a section always that bad. Beak out.

Op did you get a lot of attention for being so young when you were pregnant with your first? Are you still getting help with dc? Is this your real worry? Again were you OK with you getting help but not for her? How long did you and your baby live with your parents? She would have been 9? So a big disturbance for her.

Is there a man / instagram telling her that a birth will make her vagina less sexy / tight? As that is bollocks!!! Doesn't happen. Vagina is designed for this, especially when youre young. It springs back

While I absolutely don’t think a man’s opinion of her vagina should in any way be something a woman has to consider when giving birth, it’s bullshit to say it springs back. It might. For a lot of women it doesn’t.

Minimising what a vaginal birth can do to a body does women no favours.

I'm surprised at how harsh some of the comments are on this thread. It's obvious the op just wants the best and easiest option for her sister. Both ways of giving birth have their pros and cons - either can go well or result in many weeks of recovery, so I don't think there's ever a "best" option.

I'm the older sister in my family, and although my own sister hasn't yet had her first, I won't be telling her what to do. She's a grown woman and lives her own life. If she asks for advice I'll give it, but I don't expect her to do something just because I think it's best.

Her body, her choice

Why do you think she should listen to you?

Are you always telling people what to do because you know better?

Butt out!