AIBU to think my sister is being an idiot?

[Rainbowsandpotsofgold]

Ok so my darling sister (29) is pregnant with her 1st baby after trying for 2 years. Shes decided she wants an elective c section ...no medical reason...she does suffer with fibromyalgia but so do me and my mum (2 natural births each).

Shes made this decision based on
A) She's afraid of a long labour ( I was 15 having my eldest while living at home, was in slow labour for 5 days and 17hours active labour but my daughter was born stargazing which wasnt picked up until she was coming out)
B) She doesn't want to tear ( no idea where this fear has come from 🤷‍♀️)

My argument is that...

1. Recovery from surgery can take longer for fibro sufferers
2. Anaesthetic/ epidurals don't work as well on us either
3. She lives 30 miles away from us, near her husband's family and knowing my sister, she will expect us ( our mum at least) to be there every day ( mum has fibro, ms and 2 Foster kids of school age plus my elderly grandparents who we both care for)
4. With all the uncertainty regarding covid, she will possibly be in hospital alone for a few days after the birth
5. After trying for so long I dont understand why she wouldn't at least want to try a natural birth?

She's a nightmare to try and talk to and once she's made a decision (even bad ones) she wont change her mind (typically baby of the family syndrome - brat)

Just to add...I will be showing her the replies as she is refusing to listen to me, my mum or my gran (who has had a natural birth and a c section...50 years ago but I dont think the basics have changed)

AIBU to think shes being an utter idiot in thinking a c section is the 'easiest' (her words) option?

YABVU

It’s her birth, her decision (with the advice from her midwife)

You and your mum don’t have to “help” Any more than you want to. Tbh if your idea of helping is overruling her decisions she’s probably better off without that kind of help anyway

Sod natural childbirth. I wouldn't even attempt it ever. It's not on my bucket list. I opted for epidural and felt nothing.
I'd have been properly pissed off if anyone had challenged my personal decision.

Also, my midwife told me not to listen to anyone else experiences and I didn’t. I know some serious things happened with friends and family, one person was nearly paralysed, another nearly died, I don’t want to hear their experiences or anyone who ‘loves birth’. Because EVERY birth is different and it’s up to mum what is best for them. The MOST important thing is that mum is happy and comfortable. Happy mum, happy baby.

This is what we are trying to get through to her....a c section isn't the easy option. It may seem it now but the recovery from it will be hard for her.

I’ve had four c sections. I have fibro (and SLE, RA and SS) and recovered very well after each, despite having a massive haemorrhage on one occasion.

Yes it’s major surgery but vaginal births can also be a major trauma for the body. It’s your sister’s decision and one of the worst things you can do to someone is take away their body autonomy and it sounds very much like that is what you are attempting on your sister. Support her and respect her decisions.

Iv had a c section and vbac. C section recovery was 7 weeks and vbac was 12 weeks! I was I much more pain recovering from vaginal birth. You and your family really don't know what is best at all. She only needs to 'consider' what is best for her. Like other pp it's only her opinion that matters here not yours or your families.
If I were your sister I woukd have shut down by now and not want to discuss anything with you at all.

It is none of your business. Your sister has every right to choose for herself. I am absolutely shocked that you think you should make this decision or her. It might not be your choice but it is a choice that some women make. Personally, I would not want to go through surgery for many of the reasons you specify but it is your sister's choice!

This thread is almost comedy gold. Only on MN....

If there's a thread where a c section is considered an easy way out or cheating, the uproar about how hard it is, 'it's major surgery!', how long recovery is etc is very very loud and clear.

But then on this thread, those claims are being refuted, c sections are actually a walk in the park and a VB is basically certain death.

OP, yanbu for being so worried. But all you cab do is voice your concerns, and leave it there. Please don't try and influence her birth choices. That's really not on.

I’ve had two c sections, one emergency and one elective. I was up and about 24 hours after each time, with nothing stronger than paracetamol. Absolutely no drama.

My children are also only 16 months apart and I managed alone, when my husband’s went back to work, just fine.

It’s her choice and her business, presuming she’s not asking any one to come over to look after her and her newborn.

I’ve had friends who’ve had vaginal deliveries and ended up with third degree tears and have been in recovery far longer than a section delivery.

Ultimately whatever she has it’s her decision and as long as her and baby are well that’s all that matters.

Stargazing - was she born with a telescope in hand? No wonder it was a long labour!

Our relationship isn't an easy one ...she can be very difficult to deal with....I dont interfere in her life at all usually but I dont think she has really truly thought about this decision (both her stepchildren were born via c section and at the time both parents were home)

Its none of your business. You sound very interfering.

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

No interference from me..my mum, gran and myself have had 1 conversation with her to try and get her to CONSIDER a natural birth and nothing has been said since.....I would never not support her decision but in our opinion she hasn't considered the pros and cons for each option and I was hoping that by asking for as many different opinions as I could.....maybe I could have worded my original post differently and honestly I didnt expect to be called obnoxious and vile...but silly me expected an adult conversation/ debate with a lot of women who have pros and cons for both natural birth and a c section.

Yes it is her decision and I will 100% support that...doesn't change the fact that we dont think she has considered her decision from all angles and is blinkered by what she thinks is her easiest option without considering the risks involved. Yes there are risks with a natural delivery but what about the risks involved with, however routine it may be, what still amounts to major surgery

The way you are approaching it, is NOT to get her to consider the pros and cons because your level of understanding of the risks is not accurate. Its based on your opinion NOT the actual risks.

Your pros and cons are therefore utterly biased and do nothing to help her make an informed choice.

By the same token YOU who should be reading up on the reason why women decide to have an ELCS. It is often very much more complex than people believe because the subject is taboo and riddled with the fallacy that people who go down this route are 'too posh to push'. The reality is the vast majority have some deep routed psychological reasoning or traumatic experience which they don't want to talk about with anyone. It takes a lot of time and building of trust for women to feel comfortable enough to discuss this honestly.

Your attitude certainly WILL NOT put her in a position where she can do this. And that in itself will put a wedge between her and you.

As a mother of a 2 weeks overdue, breech baby delivered by appointed caesarean, who punched the air when the Consultant said it was the only reasonable, safe way, I agree entirely with your sister.
I'm sick of this smug 'natural' label, too. Caesareans are Natural, baby is pulled from our body. Long has this been used as a passive aggressive way of belittling caesarean mothers, I'm sick of it. If a woman is afraid of hours of labour, and of the horrors that can unfold, let her take the just as savage pain that comes with a caesarean, and all the complications therein (placenta left behind thus bleeding to death for me-irapid weight loss the silver lining )...
They are both natural, and as long as they result in a healthy and safe baby, and mother, I wish women would stop with the superiority.
Let your sister be. She is not an idiot, is that how you regard people with real & understandable fear?

Read your own posts , all ‘ I think, we think’ not one of you appears to be listening to her, all trying to make her change her mind

The majority on her say you are being unreasonable, but you take no notice, just argue back that it’s not the right thing for her. That’s YOUR opinion I am sure she has discussed options worth her medical team and she still wants a section

Have you thought about what would happen if she caved in to you and had a bad birth? Lots of stitch’s, pain, and god forbid something happen to the baby. She may end up with an emergency section and all the trauma that involves, how would she feel about you then when she could have done as she wanted and avoid that trauma

Have you thought that your constant banging on about what YOU think she should do is in fact destroying her joy in her pregnancy? This is her first pregnancy and it’s been spent having to put up with her family bullying

Just leave her alone, she is an adult and can make her own decisions

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

Our relationship isn't an easy one ...she can be very difficult to deal with....I dont interfere in her life at all usually but I dont think she has really truly thought about this decision (both her stepchildren were born via c section and at the time both parents were home)

And you are a breeze to deal with?

Good bloody lord.

Your main concern is that it'll affect your mum once her husband goes back to work 2 weeks after the c section?

I call bullshit. How much support did you get when you had a baby at 15? I imagine that impacted immensely whereas between you and your mum you could help her out.

You are making a vaginal delivery out to be a piece of cake. I know many people, myself included, that are suffering the effects of tears and injuries sustained many many years later.

YABU and sound jealous. She's not a baby either

Back to back...the dr who delivered her called it that and it has stuck

It's her body, her choice.

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold
Whilst I whole heartedly support a woman's right to choose how she delivers her baby, c sections are not 'natural'...

As someone who has multiple failed ivfs, and then was finally successful, I was terrified of normal delivery. Evidence shows a straightforward vaginal birth is the safest for mum and baby, closely followed by an elective CS. But in my late thirties, with a big baby, being induced at 40 weeks, I obviously ended up with a full dilatation emergency section. The recovery was horrendous but having had a second elective CS (Much better recovery) - I wish I did that the first time too.
Please let her decide.

It's her choice entirely, I had an EMCS, no issues recovering at all, the more I read about VBs the more I am grateful I had the CS.

I didn't need any 'extra help' after DH went back to work, We'd just moved 100 miles away from family and friends so no one local to help, I coped fine.

Not every woman has a blissful, straightforward VB.

If you’ve gone about it by calling her an idiot then I’m not surprised she’s sticking to her decision! She’s not going to regret a c section as long as her baby’s okay, let her get on with it and support her the best you can- just as you would if she was having a ‘natural’ birth

Honestly OP, it is HER body and therefore HER choice. Whether you agree or not is of no consequence. It has FUCK ALL to do with you, FFS just support her

It's entirely her decision how she wants to give birth. It's her body. Whether or not you want to offer your help to her in her time of need is up to you. But you do not get to tell her that you wont help if she has a birth you dont approve of.

Again, not your body, not your decision. Not even sure how you need that explaining to you.

Oops, that should've been for @m00Ma

Whilst I whole heartedly support a woman's right to choose how she delivers her baby, c sections are not 'natural'...