AIBU to think my sister is being an idiot?

[Rainbowsandpotsofgold]

Ok so my darling sister (29) is pregnant with her 1st baby after trying for 2 years. Shes decided she wants an elective c section ...no medical reason...she does suffer with fibromyalgia but so do me and my mum (2 natural births each).

Shes made this decision based on
A) She's afraid of a long labour ( I was 15 having my eldest while living at home, was in slow labour for 5 days and 17hours active labour but my daughter was born stargazing which wasnt picked up until she was coming out)
B) She doesn't want to tear ( no idea where this fear has come from 🤷‍♀️)

My argument is that...

1. Recovery from surgery can take longer for fibro sufferers
2. Anaesthetic/ epidurals don't work as well on us either
3. She lives 30 miles away from us, near her husband's family and knowing my sister, she will expect us ( our mum at least) to be there every day ( mum has fibro, ms and 2 Foster kids of school age plus my elderly grandparents who we both care for)
4. With all the uncertainty regarding covid, she will possibly be in hospital alone for a few days after the birth
5. After trying for so long I dont understand why she wouldn't at least want to try a natural birth?

She's a nightmare to try and talk to and once she's made a decision (even bad ones) she wont change her mind (typically baby of the family syndrome - brat)

Just to add...I will be showing her the replies as she is refusing to listen to me, my mum or my gran (who has had a natural birth and a c section...50 years ago but I dont think the basics have changed)

AIBU to think shes being an utter idiot in thinking a c section is the 'easiest' (her words) option?

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

Shes my baby sister

No, she is an adult woman who gets to make her own decisions, with or without your advice, whether you think she is right or wrong. I am sure you mean well but stop trying to infantilise her.

There is no guaranteed "easy option" when giving birth. Your sister will find that out for herself, like everyone else has to. Everyone's experience is different; and you cannot guarantee that she will have an easier time if she does things your way.

You do not have to meet her expectations. What your mother does is up to your mother.

I've called her an idiot because she is refusing to listen to any advice,

Well, welcome to the real world. Being her older sister doesn't make her an idiot for not listening to you. Try thinking of her, not as an idiot, but as an independent adult who is capable of making up her own mind based on the information she's been given without her elder sister's intervention. And who may make better decisions if she isn't having to resist an overbearing older sister at the same time.

expecting a degree of neutrality and objectivity that does not exist in sibling relationships and where families are concerned.

I am not expecting it - the OP may not have it - but she at least needs to try to step back. She is being overbearing and it's not healthy when she starts thinking of her sister as "an idiot" for not agreeing with what she says.

I am not saying she shouldn’t step back. The fact you say she needs or step back is just proving my point about families and siblings, well sisters in particular

OP why can't you accept that this is not your choice to make? Your sister does not have to hear the first hand experiences of other mothers as you insist she must. YOU may have wanted to do that but she might not care to hear it. That is not your choice to make.

At 16 weeks your sister will not have have a discussion with her midwife about her preferred method of delivery. It will be discussed later down the line. Again, it's nothing to do with you.

You clearly love your sister but your attitude stinks. As other pps have said, the language you use is very telling. If you were my sister I'd be giving you a very wide berth.

I want her to make a FULLY INFORMED decision....she's currently 16 weeks pregnant and hasn't discussed this with her midwife

Well, it's not just going to happen out of nowhere is it? Sooner or later she will have to discuss it with the professionals and then they will give her the information that she needs to decide.

She is allowed to make an informed decision about how she gives birth. YABVU to not support her choice.

After watching one friend suffer possibly lifelong incontinence after a horrific forceps delivery, and three others who told me in detail about their painful and humiliating episiotomies, tears, forceps and emergency caesarean deliveries I decided to research my options when expecting my first.

I never regretted my choice to have a c-section, and have now had three. I gave birth at the time I chose, had significantly less pain and healing time compared to that of my friend with a three degree tear, and was happy and secure that I had a team of people and specialists ready and waiting throughout the whole birth.

If men had to give birth...c-sections would be the default option.

Forgot to add that there always seems to be a small contingent of women who feel that everyone should have to go through the pain or injuries they did, or that a caesarean isn’t a ‘proper’ birth.

Your sister has made her choice, you are just making yourself look unhinged trying to control her.

Tears can heal nicely, barely noticeable.

A C section can leave an apron of skin no exercise or treatment can heal.

If she's doing it for cosmetics, C-section is no less risky. Wounds can fester and open. Scars can heal hideously. The core muscles can be damaged.

I had some stitches, my core is fine, abdomen flat, no external scarring.

You genuinely don’t seem to understand that this is nothing to do with you.

It’s her pregnancy, labour and child, not yours. She will have done her research and have her reasoning and you need to respect that.

You are not respecting the boundaries that she is setting and you are quite frankly treating her like a child when she is a 29 year old woman.

She’s a better person than me if she’s not told you to fuck off already.

Tears can heal nicely, barely noticeable.

Or can cause lifelong pain, incontinence, need repeated surgeries and mentally scar women for life.

A C section can leave an apron of skin no exercise or treatment can heal.

Or it can be a barely there silver line hidden in the bikini region with no skin overhang at all.

All of those scenarios can be true. We often pick and choose which to mention depending on our own personal birth choices.

It's not necessarily the easiest, sometimes it is.

Frankly, it's none of your business. Her body, her birth, her decision. If you were my sister I'd be telling you to fuck right off.

@TempestHayes

Tears can heal nicely, barely noticeable.

A C section can leave an apron of skin no exercise or treatment can heal.

If she's doing it for cosmetics, C-section is no less risky. Wounds can fester and open. Scars can heal hideously. The core muscles can be damaged.

I had some stitches, my core is fine, abdomen flat, no external scarring.

Same for any birth though.

I had four c sections and have no apron. I do have an external scar but it’s flat and on the natural line that my knickers are so isn’t at all obvious. I did Pilates after my last child and my core is now good. My pelvic floor is also absolutely fine. It’s not a given how you will ever be after any labour.

I’ll be in the minority and say YANBU and that you’re not wrong to try and help her see that it could be bad for her.

You are being unreasonable and sound like an unkind, unsupportive big sister.
Who are you to decide what she ‘should’ do? It’s her life and her baby, if you can’t be supportive butt out and leave her to enjoy uer life without your interference.
It has nothing whatever to do with you.

@Zombieseverywhere

WOW Sorry for the posts you've received today, shocking some of the replies. I've had 6 sections and tbh I've been fine but I wish I'd experienced natural birth. You aren't allowed to drive for 6 weeks afterwards, insurance dosent cover it as it is major surgery. I personally wouldn't worry about half the nasty replies you've had on this thread.

I was able to drive after 2 weeks. As long as the doctor gives the OK, and you can do an emergency stop, your insurance company will be fine with that. Each insurance company is different.

There is no standard "you aren't allowed to drive for 6 weeks afterwards".

I was also allowed to drive after 3 weeks after a quick check over by my GP. I was told this after my second c-section, didn’t know it on my first, I wish I did!

Yeah same, I drove after 2 weeks, I called the insurance people and they agreed that if a GP said yes, I could do it. Mine was a planned CS and just lovely all round.

Since OP is now saying all she wants is for her sister to be informed, I wonder if she'd react in the same way if everything had happened identically but Dsis had instead set her heart on attempting a vaginal birth? Would there be a similar tantrum about her not being fully appraised of all the risks?

I had a vaginal birth and it was in no way a straight forward labour, birth or recovery.

I couldn’t walk for approx 12 weeks due to my stitches coming undone and basically feeling like my insides were falling out of my vagina every time I stood up. Also having to piss in the shower because I could not wee without screaming my head off due to weeing into an open wound which couldn't be re-stitched and basically having to dig my poo out with my fingers because I couldn’t strain 😂

I’m sorry for the gory details and I’m in no way saying a c-section is an easy option AT ALL. But vaginal births are not always flowers and sunshine either!

Also... it’s none of your business.

So you’ve now got over 1000 objective strangers telling you’re being unreasonable and should back off, but that wasn’t what you came here to hear so you’re not listening. I think all your accusations about your sister are actually confessions about you. I think you need to take a good look at your behaviour and try to set more healthy boundaries and learn to respect other people’s choices, or you’re going to end up pushing your sister away until she no longer wants a relationship with you.

She's a nightmare to try and talk to and once she's made a decision (even bad ones) she wont change her mind

I am glad you are not my sister! Honestly I think you need to stay well out of this as it is not your decision to make. Trying to force your opinion on your sister is totally inappropriate and probably counter productive too. Stop 'trying to get through to her', the only discussions she needs to have are with her husband and the medical professionals caring for her. Everyone's experience is different, I have had 3 children, two natural births and one emergency C section which was no where near as bad as I had feared & recovery was straight forward.