AIBU to think my sister is being an idiot?

[Rainbowsandpotsofgold]

Ok so my darling sister (29) is pregnant with her 1st baby after trying for 2 years. Shes decided she wants an elective c section ...no medical reason...she does suffer with fibromyalgia but so do me and my mum (2 natural births each).

Shes made this decision based on
A) She's afraid of a long labour ( I was 15 having my eldest while living at home, was in slow labour for 5 days and 17hours active labour but my daughter was born stargazing which wasnt picked up until she was coming out)
B) She doesn't want to tear ( no idea where this fear has come from 🤷‍♀️)

My argument is that...

1. Recovery from surgery can take longer for fibro sufferers
2. Anaesthetic/ epidurals don't work as well on us either
3. She lives 30 miles away from us, near her husband's family and knowing my sister, she will expect us ( our mum at least) to be there every day ( mum has fibro, ms and 2 Foster kids of school age plus my elderly grandparents who we both care for)
4. With all the uncertainty regarding covid, she will possibly be in hospital alone for a few days after the birth
5. After trying for so long I dont understand why she wouldn't at least want to try a natural birth?

She's a nightmare to try and talk to and once she's made a decision (even bad ones) she wont change her mind (typically baby of the family syndrome - brat)

Just to add...I will be showing her the replies as she is refusing to listen to me, my mum or my gran (who has had a natural birth and a c section...50 years ago but I dont think the basics have changed)

AIBU to think shes being an utter idiot in thinking a c section is the 'easiest' (her words) option?

And the title of your thread is horrible. I'll just add that your sister isn't an idiot but you sound like one through your ignorance.

Her birth, her baby, her choice.
Yes it should be an informed choice but it’s her healthcare team’s job to inform her, not you.

Honestly despite having had three straightforward vaginal births myself (longest labour 4 hours). I had a clear threshold for opting for a c section. No way is a 24 hour induction followed by forceps better than an ELCS. Even if a vaginal birth is your preference then it’s good to know when to call time.

Birth trauma is caused by lack of control in birth, respect her right to make her own decision. An ELCS carries risks but so does vaginal birth especially if complicated and you can’t predict that ahead of time. She is entitled to opt into the set of risks she prefers just as you were.

One of my points exactly! Its major surgery!

I think your real issue is you don't agree with elective sections and you're dressing it up as concern for your sister.

It's her choice. Just because you had a good experience with a natural birth doesn't mean she would or wants to. But regardless of the reasoning, its nothing to do with you.

I'm would guess your sister is finding your interference over this very stressful at a time when she would appreciate your support.

I hear you, but it's NOT your choice. She is a grown up. You're going to make her hate you! Step back and stop being nasty. People have elective sections every day and are absolutely fine.

It's none of your fucking business and you sound like an absolute delight.

Her birth, her choice!

I hate all this birth shaming crap and the notion that a natural, vaginal birth is best. Yes it can be, if things are straightforward but if it's not it can be hell! Put simply, with a planned c section you know what you're getting.

I say this as someone who had a horrendous first birth experience, leaving me physically and mentally traumatised, and then a wonderful, elective c section, which I healed from quickly.

Instead of taking the high and mighty position that you know best because you were LUCKY enough to have an easy vaginal birth, how about you start supporting your sister?

Had an elective c section, no regrets at all - very easy recovery too. I was in and out of hospital in 30 hours.

Regardless of anything else, you need to get your nose out.

90% of 1st time vaginal births end in some form of tearing or episiotomy. 25% with instruments. In pre modern era, around 20% of women died in childbirth.

She has a point, no?

And even if not, how is it any of your business?

YABU and sound hard work. I bet she feels suffocated by all of your opinions and judgement. It’s her body, her baby and her birth. Just because it’s her first doesn’t mean she can’t have her own view and wants. I know 3 people I’m close to who had elected c sections from fear of natural birth. If that’s what she wants then support her or mind your own business.

Listen to the overwhelming responses here. YABU and you need to stop.

yes I'm calling her an idiot but have any of you stopped to think that I am genuinely terrified for her and the thought of her going through major surgery actually makes me want to lock her in a room and take care of her?

Grow the fuck up. Seriously! You sound like a teenager, a really moody one. You really do. Except you are in your mid-30s. Actually, my teenager sounds more mature than you.

You have no idea what her recovery will be like. It is NOT your body, your birth or your choice.

Lay off her, beak out and support her as you can.

A) She's afraid of a long labour ( I was 15 having my eldest while living at home, was in slow labour for 5 days and 17hours active labour but my daughter was born stargazing which wasnt picked up until she was coming out)

Fear of childbirth is a recognised mental health condition. Jog the fuck on.

B) She doesn't want to tear ( no idea where this fear has come from 🤷‍♀️)

Does it matter where the fear has come from? What is the problem with her being concerned about the possible long term physical health conditions that can result from this? Is she not allowed to make an informed decision about this?

My argument is that...
1) Recovery from surgery can take longer for fibro sufferers
Her choice

2) Anaesthetic/ epidurals don't work as well on us either
She will be best advised on this by a doctor not you.

3) She lives 30 miles away from us, near her husband's family and knowing my sister, she will expect us ( our mum at least) to be there every day ( mum has fibro, ms and 2 Foster kids of school age plus my elderly grandparents who we both care for)
She might not have this option under the circumstance, and you are a) making assumption b) your mum is capable of saying yes or no to this request c) 30 miles? And? Thats not that far if she really does need help. Which she might not need (nor indeed actually bloody want once the baby actually arrives)

4) With all the uncertainty regarding covid, she will possibly be in hospital alone for a few days after the birth
And? Her choice. She might be out in 2 days with an ELCS. She could have complications from a natural birth (especially if she has a EMCS) and end up in hospital for longer anyway. There are no guarentees either way.

Under the circumstances if she isn't allowed a partner there during labour - which could be several days, in theory that might mean shes in longer alone than if she has an ELCS anyway!

5) After trying for so long I dont understand why she wouldn't at least want to try a natural birth?
What the fuck has waiting to get pregnant got to do with method of birth? Why SHOULD she want to try a natural birth? Stop imposing your birth evangelism on her.

Maybe part of the reason for not getting pregnant has been stress over the birth bit of the picture. It doesn't mean she somehow wants a baby less.

Sorry but outdated backward views like your, in which you think you know better than another grown woman, really really boil my piss.

Butt out.

Otherwise you are headed for a breakdown in your longterm relationship with your sister.

What does anything you’ve done have to do with it??

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold I can see that you care a lot about your sister but in any case even if you were to convince her to go for a vaginal birth, she may end up needing an emergency C section and she won't benefit from horror stories about it.

I really was afraid of a C section personally but I spoke to as many people as I could about them to try and be reassured in case my birth went that way.

Birth injuries from vaginal deliveries are extremely common, hugely under-reported and not taken anywhere near seriously enough. Many of my friends - I would say at least half - are still living with the impact of them now, over a decade since giving birth.

I had three CS - the first two were unplanned and both emergency sections. At the time I desperately wanted a natural delivery but knowing what I know now I would rather live with my CS scar and the occasional twinge than what some of my friends have been through.

I think you should, quite frankly, mind your own business. How will you feel if you convince her to have a VB and then she suffers significant birth injury?

She's an adult, with medical support available from medical professionals to help make medical decisions about her body.

Step back and leave her be.

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

One of my points exactly! Its major surgery!

Do you actually KNOW any of the risks involved??

You do NOT.

Seriously look at the actual data on this. You are talking out of your arse.

Her choice I'm afraid.

It's absolutely nothing to do with you. I wanted a C-section as I was terrified of giving birth. As it happened my baby got in distress so I needed one any way. She needs your support not criticism.

Yes sounds crazy to me. My first Labour was 48h but I requested an epidural and it was fine. Second labour was 24h with only 3.5h in labour ward. I had a herniated disc after my first baby - not related.

There is no way I'd want a c-section unless I had to it had had a terrible first birth. There is nothing to say she will have a bad labour and v-birth much quicker to get over.

I have had 4 children, each totally different! First was emergency c section under general anaesthetic, in effect I missed her birth, heartbreaking. Recovery was actually ok, first night in a very busy hospital ward with no staff to help was not a good experience.
Next one was forceps delivery. Lots of stitches. It was the most painful thing, much worse than the previous c-section.
Third, total normal delivery, good recovery.
Fourth, another emergency but with epidural. Not too bad recovery, worst thing was not driving.
There just isn’t any idea how any birth turns out. She could go for ‘your’ natural birth and have any possible outcome, still a c-section etc.
It is HER birth experience, you and your mum and grandmother and anyone else who wants to try and tell her what to have are being unreasonable.

Urgh! Why do sisters treat each other like this? Every post you write makes this sound worse. It doesn't matter what you want; it's not your birth. In the kindest possible way, butt out. Your relationship with your sister will suffer if you don't. Surely family means loving and supporting each other, regardless if you agree with each other. She needs you to just be there for her, listening to her not judging her.

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

I've called her an idiot because she is refusing to listen to any advice, experiences (good or bad) she has closed off any other options other than a c section....my biggest concerns are her increased recovery time due to her fibro and the extra pressure this will put on my mum...as I said, being the 'baby' of the family ( something she plays up to I might add for all the comments about me still seeing her as a baby) she will expect for us to be there every day....something I'd be more than happy to do ( my 1st niece on our side...I have niece and a nephew through my ot) as my auntie is/was my absolute favourite person in the world.

Can I just say to everyone calling me obnoxious and having a go at me......yes I'm calling her an idiot but have any of you stopped to think that I am genuinely terrified for her and the thought of her going through major surgery actually makes me want to lock her in a room and take care of her? There is 6 years between us and I was brought up to look after her and help her choose the right path....I dont think a c section is the right path for her...she isnt a homebody who will be satisfied to sit at home everyday, she is a compulsive cleaner (thank you mrs hinch 🤦‍♀️) who rearranges her furniture on a weekly basis, has 2 stepchildren who they share custody of, who hate being indoors and she has a holiday abroad booked for 8 weeks after her due date .....shoot me for wanting her to understand that most natural births hurt like a bitch but dont take 6+ weeks to recover from

You are being obnoxious, interferring AND ABOVE ALL ELSE ignorant about what the ACTUAL RISK AS LOOKED AT AND STUDIED BY NICE is.

This has been fully looked at by medical professionals and assess to be - on the balance of evidence - not much more risky than a planned VB (which includes all the possible risks of a vb with surgical intervene and an emergency csection because they are also outcomes of attempting a VB).

Why do you actually think YOU know better than NICE?

Really do tell us.

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

I've called her an idiot because she is refusing to listen to any advice, experiences (good or bad) she has closed off any other options other than a c section....my biggest concerns are her increased recovery time due to her fibro and the extra pressure this will put on my mum...as I said, being the 'baby' of the family ( something she plays up to I might add for all the comments about me still seeing her as a baby) she will expect for us to be there every day....something I'd be more than happy to do ( my 1st niece on our side...I have niece and a nephew through my ot) as my auntie is/was my absolute favourite person in the world.

Can I just say to everyone calling me obnoxious and having a go at me......yes I'm calling her an idiot but have any of you stopped to think that I am genuinely terrified for her and the thought of her going through major surgery actually makes me want to lock her in a room and take care of her? There is 6 years between us and I was brought up to look after her and help her choose the right path....I dont think a c section is the right path for her...she isnt a homebody who will be satisfied to sit at home everyday, she is a compulsive cleaner (thank you mrs hinch 🤦‍♀️) who rearranges her furniture on a weekly basis, has 2 stepchildren who they share custody of, who hate being indoors and she has a holiday abroad booked for 8 weeks after her due date .....shoot me for wanting her to understand that most natural births hurt like a bitch but dont take 6+ weeks to recover from

She has made her choice as a woman - I am sure you are aware of "my body, my choice"? Because right now you are crossing over the lines of this. Leave the poor girl alone. If you love her the way you keep protesting you do, the listen to her, support her, stop thinking you are God, and quit forcing your choices on her.

OP I’m sure your heart is in the right place but...

1. You have made a thread to show your sister she is wrong and her choice over her own body is stupid.
2. In the thread of that title you have called her stupid
3. in the content you have called her a brat Some of your concerns are valid but so are hers and since it is her body you can raise concerns to her but the decision is hers. Your tactics are controlling (you know best because you are older) you suggest she isn’t listening but perhaps she has listened and still believes that c-section is what she wants. You portray her as a spoilt younger sister who simply will not listen but you appear to be a controlling older sister who simply won’t listen. Doctors will tell her of the recovery issues and give her that information as well. You are too invested and need to review your dynamic with your sister, she is an adult and about to be a mum. It’s time you stopped seeing and treating her as less capable of making an informed decision.